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My previously super smart husband (PhD, JD and med school) was diagnosed w/MCI. He is 76 and still works part time legal/political/policy advice, NOT a litigator. It is not my first rodeo as my mom (she passed a bit back) had dementia (not sure which type, no point in doing deep dive diagnostics, she was in a nursing home by then) and her cognitive and physical impairment was obvious 24/7).
My husband, is "on" sometimes and seems like his prior self. Then at other times, back in the impaired state. Not much of a patterns yet, not sundowning. And yes, I get it this is not atypical w/MCI or even dementia; they can be "on" and totally with it or not.
My problem, and question is any advice on how to handle the NOT knowing which state they may be in. If I sometimes, slow down things and give a few steps on something, he snaps and says, "Why are you talking that way, I am not an idiot." Other times, if I just plough through something, he has the "deer in the headlights look" and I then know we are back at the impaired level and I need to not rattle on or rush through things.
Any good "test" comments that might help me assess which state he may be in, so we can both avoid or mitigate this? Thx in advance.

I don't think you should expect yourself to be a mindreader here! All you can do is the best you can do. With anosognosia on board, things are even more difficult than they should be. If DH is snapping at you, I'd tell him to cut it out....,,you know darn well he's not an idiot, for petesake, so relax. These highly educated types seem to love bringing it up constantly, reminding everyone how intelligent they are. Unfortunately, dementia is an equal opportunity disease which affects folks from all walks of life. From scientists to dish washers, pointing out we humans are all the same, ultimately.

Just see If you can feel him out before you start a conversation. If he's snapping at you, I'd leave the room and tell him to let you know when he's in a better mood. You've got a long road ahead of you, so set out your boundaries now, even if you have to do so repeatedly. I found that with my mother, when I told her I didn't deserve her nastiness, she'd often stop it. Even as her dementia became advanced.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I'm afraid there's no silver bullet and mistakes will be made. But I like the stoplight approach. Start with a statement or question that presumes he is "with it" and if he gives a coherent response, that's a green light to continue. If you're not sure he's tracking with you, that's a yellow light and you proceed with caution a little deeper into the conversation. The "dear in headlights" (I like how you spelled that 😉) or frustration response would be a red light so you back up and simplify your message. It takes a lot of work (and prayer!) I'm afraid, but this approach has helped me. So have Pauline Boss's writings on ambiguous loss. My DH has progressed to mild dementia and that actually makes him a bit more predictable but yours may not go that way. Either way, you're doing well to seek help and be the best support you can for him. Know that acknowledging his failing cognition may be extremely difficult for him if his identity has been bound to intellectual success and higher education, and given he is male that makes it even harder with the strong provider/protector mentality. He will need you as a safe listener when he feels able to discuss how he feels. Encourage, but don't push or rush that. DH struggled with denial for months after his MCI diagnosis but now he laughs and jokes about his condition freely, even with strangers. God bless you as you care for your hubby ❤️
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Reply to TheOrderCoach
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Nope. Does not see/accept it.
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Reply to Sohenc
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Is he understanding/accepting his diagnosis? Or does he have anosognosia?
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Reply to Geaton777
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