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When do we start the process for the DPOA? MIL won't discuss it and we understand why, but we really need to get the paperwork in order. She lives with us full time and has to have help with everything. The doctor is trying to wait on her and us to get her finances in order before he moves forward with documenting anything else about her condition. I guess my question is how bad does she have to get before she can no longer make those choices?

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MIL is Mother in law. POA, Power of Attorney and DPOA is Durable POA.
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LOL, Thank you MountainMoose for the John Denver reference. I really do thank you and we are taking steps to get the finances in order. BTW I love John Denver!
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almostheaven: (Oh, good, now John Denver's voice is running through my head! :-) ) MIL: Mother-in-law (also FIL, DIL, SIL: Father-, Daughter-, Son-). POA and DPOA: Power of Attorney, which (depending upon the terms in the POA) usually ends upon incapacity; Durable Power of Attorney, which continues after incapacity and ends upon death.

If your husband's parents have their mental capacity, they can make their own decisions for medical treatment, where to live, et al. If they're not mentally able, your husband will need the DPOA for finances and health care to act on their behalf. There's a sub-forum called "POA and Guardianship" here on this forum that may help answer your and his questions. If his parents have a lawyer, DH (Dear Husband) may want to consult with him/her.
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Hi almostheaven,

I think you might find our Common Caregiving Abbreviations and Acronyms Glossary helpful for navigating posts in the Caregiver Forum.

You can find it here: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/common-caregiving-abbreviations-and-acronyms-435589.htm

Take care!
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Is your husband on mil's financial accounts as POA or Co Owner? If they are sizable, it would be beneficial for her to put them Transfer on Death so the change is immediate.If the broker or bank suspects that she may be incompetent, they will not allow the change and the amount rolls right into the estate. One way to accomplish the TOD is to tell mother that if she does not do this, when she eventually passes these accounts will be reported on probate, and everyone who wants to snoop can go to the courthouse and see exactly how much money she had! She does not want the old biddies to have that satisfaction, does she? At the same time she adds a TOD, she can add a POA to the account, which has to be done on the bank or broker's own form. The only paperwork banks take is guardianship, even if a POA is recorded at the courthouse.
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What is a MIL and POA and DPOA? Just curious since I just started taking care of my parents.
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Thank you all for your advice and I always share your advice with my husband. I am the total caregiver for my MIL and I am also the one who takes care of her bills (and our own) and I tell my husband what money needs to go where. It's just stressful trying to take care of 2 households and trying to keep from going nuts!!! I may already be there because now my kids laugh at me because after a long day, I can't remember what I had for dinner. Just kidding. It is hard but I'm so glad I have this safe place to vent to. Hugs to you all.
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If she refuses to sign, I'd inquire from the attorney about Guardianship.
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Momof5and8, sometimes we need to use what are called "theraputic lies" to get a love one to do what is in their best interest.

I had to use the theraputic lies to get my parents to update their Wills which were older then dirt. I told my Dad that because of new laws over the years, the way his Will was written, the government could get half of his estate. His ears perked up. Couple weeks later I took my parents to see an "Elder Law Attorney".

One time in the hospital with my Dad, I used another theraputic lie about how I couldn't make any decisions for Dad, that Mom should have come with us since she was his POA. Mom didn't go as she could barely see and was very hard of hearing even with hearing aids. The Attorney did new Power of Attorney where my parents were still POA for each other but my name was also added.

Make sure on the POA that the address of Mom's home is fully stated, otherwise you could run into snags with the Settlement/Title Company at closing when the house sells if no address is mentioned.

Our Attorney also did a Medical Directive/Living Will.

You mentioned your Mom still owns her home. Hopefully your Mom had contacted her homeowners insurance carrier to let him/her know the home is vacant. If something should happen to the home and the insurance carrier wasn't notified the place was empty, the carrier may not pay for any damage. The insurance on a empty home is much higher was such homes are a higher risk.

Whew, things can get so complex as we age.
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I guess i do need to be more clear. We have had the DPOA drawn up she just wont sign it because she still thinks she can handle bills and money matters on her own and still thinks she will get pass this and get better. (We have been taking care of her finances for months with her money. My husband is on all her accounts) But she does own her own home and lives with us. The house needs to be sold and she will not sign the DPOA because she still thinks she is going home and going to be able to take care of all this on her own. We need the DPOA signed so that we can take care of the home. We are also starting to find paper work on other accounts she has that we didn't know about. My husband is an only child and their is no other family members except his children and they wont no part in her care or her situation at all. They are still young. The doctor is waiting on us to get it signed before he gives us the stage of dementia that she is in. She has had it for 5 years but we just found out October because she has stayed out of our lives (Her choice). She has a will but everything was left to her youngest son. He died at 22 years ago and she has never had it changed. We just want everything in order because she is getting worse and do not want any surprises in the future.
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Are the saying that you have a POA, but, it's not Durable? Well, the attorney should be able to tell you what you have, but, the issue is that if she is refusing to sign the DPOA, she isn't going to sign it. Even if she did want to sign it, the drafting attorney may ask her questions, interview her without family members present to make sure she understands and is freely doing this. If she's struggling....the attorney may not precede.

Depending on her status, I might inquire info from the attorney on Guardianship.
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Respect, Isthis! I'm glad you did get the right result for your father.

Only... you do know what you told him about complete strangers and his wishes not being honoured wasn't true, right? Those court-appointed complete strangers would be just as bound as any family member to take his expressed preferences into account.

You couldn't be righter about responsibility without authority.
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I had to tell my dad that if he did not sign the DPOA, if he got hurt, had a stroke or something else that caused him to be incoherent or unconscious then complete strangers would have all the control and say about him, meaning his wishes would not be honored. He signed right away, the thought of strangers holding life and death decisions on him really woke him up. I also said that I would have to walk away because I could not go thru watching others do whatever because he didn't trust me. I felt threats were warranted and it worked. Responsibility without authority is to brutal to go through if it can be otherwise.

I pray for you and family that you can get her to sign.
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I'm not clear what you want to do.

Do you mean that there is already a DPOA in existence and you are waiting to spring it? If your MIL won't discuss it - you may understand why, I'm not sure I do - then you could try calling her bluff: go ahead and spring and let her try to stop you.

I'm also not clear what the doctor might be wanting to document that would be better not mentioned until the finances are in hand. Unless... do you mean that you *don't* have a DPOA yet, and he is trying to help you get one by not declaring your MIL incompetent until you do?
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Moving your question up so people with answer might see it.
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