This is messy but I am not sure what else we can offer them in terms of options. Mom and Pete have lived together for the last 18 years in Pete's home. Pete's adult son (in his 50's) and his son's girlfriend also live in the home. This is where things get messy...the home is in the son's name as of the 90's but Pete claims it is "his home".
His son is a hoarder. The girlfriend can't stand the hoarding and also clashes with mom constantly...she has said some insanely mean things to mom that are absolutely unacceptable. The son also blames mom for Pete's weight loss (Pete has a diagnosed thyroid problem) and since mom is "frugal", she talked him out of a weight loss supplement that was quite pricey. The son went ahead and purchased the supplement but Pete didn't gain any weight...and it is still mom's fault somehow. Things progressed to constant arguing over finances (either the son never contributes to household bills, or Pete is not being honest about who contributes what, we aren't sure which) but this has caused a significant distress between residents in the home. The final straw was when the board of health showed up. Instead of directing them to see Pete or the son who were in the back of the house, they told mom they would be back the following week and she wrote it on the calendar...she has dementia with memory loss and lack of comprehension, she did not understand who these people were or why they were at the door. There are a few potential factors as to why the BOH became involved, 1 is the hoarding, 2 is the massive fire they had in the yard because they had inadequate hose length to reach the fire pit where they burn cardboard and this caused a loss of buildings and animals (shed and pigeon coop). Regardless of WHY the BOH came to the home, mom was kicked out because the son blames her for making the initial call. We (my husband and myself) do not believe she was involved in making the call but that the conniving girlfriend who hates her boyfriend's hoarding problem called and gave moms name because she is very nasty toward mom and wants more control within the house. Pete has lived in town for well over 50 years and knows many people, and he has confirmed and also believes it was the girlfriend that called the BOH but will not confront either the son or the girlfriend.
Mom has been moved in with us because they left a dementia patient practically homeless. We live 1.5 hours (3 hours round trip) from Pete and we ask them to talk daily and we visit every time we are in Pete's area for appointments. Mom and Pete want to live together, they cry constantly and are sincerely missing each other. We are not comfortable in even letting mom spend a night because of the son and the girlfriend, we just don't feel she is safe there. She also has been able to talk Pete out of her appointments because she would rather ignore her condition than get help. Her son and I are *adamant* that she will no longer be missing or rescheduling appointments because we are now personally bringing her to all appointments and are both MPOA's/HCP's for her care and insist she continue to live with us in a safe environment where we know 100% she will receive the care she needs without issue. After yesterday's visit, we discussed her moving back to Pete's (we declined to allow her because she is not/has not been well cared for), assisted living which Pete declined (he is 15 years older than her and also has health problems & would likely benefit from having AL staff available but he wants a garden and some chickens), she has too many appointments to travel to their home in Florida alone with Pete for the winter (which she tried to ask us to "just reschedule them"...even though we have been waiting MONTHS for these appointments!), and Pete has countered with "What if we buy our own house and you can have it when we die" (we have a home, we do not want their home or his children arguing over another property), not to mention Pete is 86 (who buys a home at that age???) which we said we would discuss with the estate attorney at our appointment next week to see if it was even a viable option without financial repercussion for either of them. We offered to make room in our home for Pete (as in build an addition for them), but he declined again...even though we have a wonderful garden and chickens which is the reason he doesn't want to consider AL. I am out of options to offer them and my heart is breaking watching them cry and pine for each other. Any suggestions for two broken hearts? We hate that they are not together when they want to be, because of his son's interference but we also require that they are close enough that we can bring mom to appointments as she was asked by neurology to stop driving and Pete probably won't be driving much longer either (he recently ran 2 red lights and a stop sign because he didn't see them...). Thanks in advance, we are open to all suggestions!

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Just to clarify, mom is only 71 and in the early stages of Alzheimers. I am so grateful every time I ask a question here (even though this is only my 2nd...) because another's perspective of our issue can be so enlightening. I have been so busy trying to brainstorm solutions that I didn't even notice that Pete has already rejected all of the options other than the purchase of a new house, which is a potential solution but it also comes with it's own problems (such as who will be performing maintenance, and his choice of location is not close to us even though my husband and myself would have to bring mom to appointments). I do believe that AL is the best solution for both of them, Pete is also in need of some care but not as much as mom, and since she seems to be readily able to talk him out of appointments and medications, living totally alone is not the best solution for either of them, especially her! You're right! Pete is going to have to make some concessions if he truly wants to be with mom. I feel better for having stuck to our original decision to have mom not stay there, I truly feel she is in better hands with us, even if it means she misses Pete (and vice-versa). Once again, thank you for the input, it has been quite enlightening and shown me that we have offered them what we can and they need to decide within those parameters.
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Sorrynotsorry, I think Mom is 15 years younger than Pete, so she's 71, if I read that correctly, since Pete is 86.
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Your mom is 101? Pete is 86 rt? Are you able to provide all the care an 101 year old dementia patient needs at home? I definitely do not think she'll get care she needs there.
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The home is in the son's name as of the 1990s... when, exactly? Before or after Pete and Mom got together? And anyway how did this come about? At that point, Pete was 66 or less. Why was the house transferred? When did the son move in and start hoarding?

Actually, you know what? Who cares. The important thing is that your husband and you have successfully extricated his mother from this snake pit. I'm sorry that she's breaking her heart over it; but Pete has had ample time to sort out his long-term partner's status in his life and to make provision for their future as a couple if he chose to - and he chose not to.

Too late for regrets, but in your husband's shoes I wouldn't regret seeing the back of this man anyway. He wasn't always 86.

In case I'm being too hard on Pete... If you have really sound reasons to believe that he has been the victim of coercion or abuse, make a statement to that effect and submit it to the appropriate authorities. But for heaven's sake don't make him your problem. One sorrowful lady with dementia is plenty for you to have to deal with.
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I'm going to summarize this for my benefit (and anyone else who is trying to follow all that)
Mom and Pete shared a home with his adult son and GF. Son is a hoarder, GF is resentful. Someone called the health department because the home was unsafe, which resulted in all kinds of accusations and in your mother being kicked out. You brought mom to live with you, but she and Pete long to be together again. The problems with the solutions offered are:
1/The home is not a safe place for mom (or Pete either by the sound of it).
2/Pete refuses to consider assisted living
3/Pete's proposal of buying a different home is unrealistic for someone his age and it is doubtful the two of them could manage doctors appointments etc without supervision.
4/Pete refuses to move in with you, despite your generous offer to built a suitable addition.

Have I got that right??

Sorry, but I agree with the others that the ball is really in Pete's court, you have already offered several solutions to the problem and been rejected.
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Pete has decided that a yard and chickens are more important to him that living with your Mum. Next time he starts to whine about not being with Mum, remind him that he has made his choice.

Sine Mum has dementia, there is nothing to be gained from telling her that Pete is choosing a yard and chickens over her.

The same goes to Pete's winter in Florida, he is saying that his travelling to Florida is more important than Mum's long awaited medical appointments. One again it is his choice to put travel over Mum's health.
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First of all, this isn't about the possibility of returning mom to "Pete's house.' Pete does not have a house. His son has a house. If Pete is confused about that maybe he needs some serious reminding. Pete does not have a house. His son is in charge of the house Pete lives in. His house, his rules. Pete doesn't like it? Pete can move.

I don't see the harm in Pete purchasing a house for him and your mom -- ideally close to you. Or if the estate attorney thinks that is not advisable, then what about renting somewhere near you? Just be sure they can have a garden and chickens! Get them both out of that toxic environment.

The truth is, though, that Mom is going to need more and more care for her dementia. It would really be best, I think, if they could move into assisted living at this point. What if Pete had to choose (as he does, actually, because you are not going to allow Mom back into that environment): you can only have one: 1) have a garden and chickens or 2) live with Mom. Which will it be? If he chooses chickens over Mom, I guess that tells you something about how to prepare for Mom's future.

This is a dreadful situation for you as the daughter, as well as for Pete and your mom. I think the next move is Pete's though. He needs to decide upon some priorities. You can help him put his priorities into practice if that seems suitable to you. But you can't decide for him.
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You have to do what is safe for Mom. She has dementia, and it will only get worse. Anything other than assisted living is a very short term fix. If Pete loves Mom more than he loves chickens, he'll move too. There are no solutions which will give them what they want, which is to be healthy and independent.
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