My 95 year old MIL has not given her new Assisted Living place a chance (been there for a week) but uses her cell phone to call family members (that have been mostly unaware of the details of her decline over the last 2 years) to bad mouth us. She tells them we don't care, don't do anything for her, etc. and to come get her out of AL. We believe she is in early dementia as she has cursed out people in her previous retirement community and lashed out at my husband and me for making her go to Assisted Living. She connived to briefly get out of the place to go to the hospital (which was not really necessary) and when my husband returned her to the AL place yesterday, she cursed him out saying he was her son by birth only! What a terrible thing to say to her only child who has taken handled her matters for the last 10 or more years!!
She is using her phone to conspire with others to get her out of AL. We do not want to isolate her from the world, family members and friends, however, why should we allow her to spread lies and make others think we do not care? Should we take her phone away for a short-term until she acclimates herself to AL the best she can?
I would suggest not visiting for a few weeks to let her get settled. If other relatives fall for her stories and try to break her out, let them. And let them suffer the consequences and see she how she really is. Just make sure they know the two of you will not be coming to clean up the mess. My grandmother was the same way. Badmouthing my parents who came every week to help her. Other son lived nearby and rarely showed up but he was golden.
Take a a little break from all of this and let her settle into her new normal.
Ask if there is a geriatric psychiatrist who calls in at the facikity who can see her and assess for medication ( if she doesnt have a UTI).
Sometimes this is a phase we have to get through. If visits from your husband are agitating, he should consider not visiting for a while, to let her settle in. If he visits and she becomes abusive, he needs to leave with a cheery "I'll see you soon mom, when you're feeling better". He should NOT try to argue, engage or reason with her. "I know you're feeling sad mom" is about the best you can do. Validate the feeling.
As for what others think, well, they aren't in the thick of it, are they? If they contact you, you tell them that she's there on medical advice and that she has dementia. That her reasoning skills are broken.
Getting older isn't easy for some people. How long ago did your father-in-law pass? If they had a very close relationship, Mom-in-law is still missing the love of her life. Thus angry the world that he isn't there with her.
FIL past away 20 years ago. She divorced him because he would not cater to her every whim (she has always been a queen bee type) thus making her personality much more exaggerated now! She is going for a check-up next week. I will have my husband advise her internist beforehand to see if she is in early dementia and to just make sure she does not have a UTI.
Thanks.