My MIL moved in about a month ago. While things could easily be worse, I find myself irritable and annoyed majority of the time. I work from home and have no dedicated office space, so the dining room table is it. My MIL sits at the dining table for hours and has distracting ticks, which inhibits my ability to concentrate. She has a tv in her room, but seems insistent on being in the main space all of the time. She prefers to watch the living room tv - the only one in the house besides hers- but we have to limit it because she blasts it quite loud due to poor hearing. Part of me feels the need to claim my own space in my own house, rather than succumb to being stuck in MY room (no tv!) all day. She’s really not doing anything wrong at the end of the day, but I’m stuck in the house all day since she needs constant supervision, and I just want her to go away sometimes and not CONSTANTLY be hovering in my space. Any advice to make this situation work better for both of us?
Move her back into assisted living, nearby, or memory care. Choose a facility that has both so she can just change to the memory care floor or wing when she needs it (she might already). She'll be near family but she'll also have social interaction, activities, and staff trained to get her to bathe, change clothes, and deal appropriately with her incontinence issues. If she chooses not to engage and enjoy all that's offered there, that's on her (talk with her doctor about antidepressants).
Bottom line, she isn't enjoying the current setup any more than you are, so stop trying to make something unworkable work. It's going to cause you marital problems if you keep going like this. You deserve peace, quiet, respect, and enjoyment in your home and life that you're working to pay for.
You are allowing all of this simply to happen. No one is sitting down with MIL and a good glass of wine and saying.
1. We need to see an elder law attorney and work on a shared living costs contract and a contract of rules of the household. (important, as "rental" is taxed and "shared living expenses " for food, cleaning, mortgage, upkeep is NOT).
2. We need to come to solid agreements on the time I need ALONE in my own space to do my work; I work from home. This isn't optional. You will be watching the TV in your own room. We will have family time at meals and outings (or whenever you choose).
This is your choice and up to you, and in your own control in your own home. If you take the cowards way out then you have moved from someone attempting to allow your MIL to move in and stay DURING THAT TIME WHEN IT IS SUSTAINABLE AND WORKING FOR EVERYONE --moving TO being someone who gave up your own home and your own life.
Speak first with your husband. Mediate the rules with him FIRST. The you sit with MIL and HE takes the lead (as the son of his mother and co-head of his household).
Good luck. Remember, whatever way you choose, this is your own choice; it is in your own hands; it is your own responsibility.
Not too late, but it soon will be. For now you can say "It was wrong of us not to make clear the rules". You can also inform her that when the rules are no longer something she's capable of keeping to, you won't be able to have her in YOUR HOME.
You don’t mention your husband, but you need to discuss with him that this can’t go on. If he refuses to consider other options, such as a care home where she’d have entertainment, friends and outings, tell him that’s fine but he’s going to have to find a job where he can work at home and take care of his mom. He will most likely refuse, and then you decide what YOU will do to put a stop to a plan that neither of you went into knowing what you were getting into.
I also fail to see how you can be expected to work from home and keep an eye on her. It is either one or the other.
Take the TV out of the living room and put it in your bedroom. Explain to her the TV in her room is for her and this one is for you. What is it with seniors who insist on commandeering the main tv of the house??
Tell her that since you work from home and don't have a closed off area she can't be in the dining room or living room during work hours. Three strikes and she needs to go back to AL.
As with any "roommate" situation there are ground rules that need to be established. (this actually should have been done a Month and a half ago. )
You do not give an indication in your post as to why MIL moved in to begin with.
If MIL has dementia then no ground rules are going to help. She is not going to retain any instruction for long.
If she has dementia she should get enrolled/involved with an Adult Day program that would get her out of the house for the day. This way you can work without distraction.
If there are no programs in your area then a caregiver should be hired (MIL pays for the caregiver) and the caregiver keeps MIL occupied for the day while you are working. As a matter of fact it would be good to take your computer and go to the library or other location where you can work in peace.
The caregiver in addition to keeping MIL occupied can do her laundry and light cleaning.
If she is not watching tv in her room remove the tv and place it in your room so that you can watch tv. (If the tv is yours)
I do hope you are getting payment from MIL, she should be paying her fair share of ALL household expenses.
If MIL is of sound mind and she does not abide by the house rules then you begin to look for a place for her. Either Independent or Assisted.
Since you say she needs constant supervision I am guessing that she does have dementia and you need to have a talk with your husband about how you are going to manage when she needs full time care. You certainly are not going to be able to do that and work.
I also hope that your husband is doing the majority of caregiving if she does need assistance.
Rule #1 is she is absolutely needs to get hearing aids, pay for them herself and agree to put them in first thing in the morning and take them out last thing at night.
I live next door to my Mom (now 96). When it became *very* obvious that her hearing was getting really bad -- and she was in absolute denial of it -- I told her that in no way was I going to be her care giver or manager if I had to YELL everything at her. I would never take her out in public because I didn't want to have to repeat or YELL conversation at her. And, because she couldn't hear, she kept insinutating that I "never told [her] that" -- because she didn't actually hear me say it. She was even insinuating that it was *my* hearing that was bad. Then I told her if she's so confident that her hearing was perfect then she can prove it by going to the audiologist. She eventually did (but not before being a total pain-in-the-butt about it). Then she refused to buy them from the audiologist because she was convinced he was getting a "cut" from it (he worked in a very large clinic system).
It was exhausting. But she eventually bought hearing aids at Costco. When I walk into her house every morning I look at her and point to my ears and ask if she has her hearing aids in. If she says no I do not even attempt a conversation with her. She resents them, but it's a condition I won't negotiate on. I'm so glad I went through helping her get something that works in her own best interests, and mine.
The loud tv: my MIL blasted it. Now my Mom blasts it and it's insufferable. It would make me lose my mind. In YOUR house, you get to live in it comfortably. You're doing her the favor. You don't accommodate her, she accommodates you. I'm assuming there's a husband or spouse in this situation. It's their parent. They are the one who needs to get MIL to be accommodating. Either that or she pays to spend the day out at a club or adult day care program.
I believe there are multiple studies that show how hearing loss contributes to the advancement of dementia. I think the isolation is causes adds to a senior's depression.
Rule #2 is that she makes your spouse her DPoA for both financial and medical.
These 2 rules should be non-negotiable.
You need to get your husband on board to understand that the main level is your workspace during work hours. Your MIL would not be hovering around an office all day; therefore she can't hover around on the main floor all day either.
But, that seems to defeat the purpose of "constant supervision." Why does she need that? Since you can't supervise all day while working, she needs to go to an adult day center, have a hired caregiver who will keep her out of your workspace, or she needs to move to assisted living or memory care. Or, your husband comes home to work and supervise her, and you go to an office.
Think of what you and your husband would have done about her if you worked full-time in an office instead of from home. Do that.
Did you voluntarily choose to have her move in, or did your husband and/or his siblings push it on you? It's very kind of you to do it, but it isn't working, and it's only going to get harder as she declines, and you feel more and more out of place in the home that should be your haven.
If you work out of your dining room, she cannot be in there. That is non-negotiable. She has to watch tv in her room during the day because you have to have things quiet so you can work. Working from home is the same as working from an office. It's still work and the same rules still apply. This too must be non-negotiable. If she 'prefers' the tv in the living room, she can get her own place and watch tv in her own living room.
She should also be going to the local senior center, adult day care, or have a paid companion taking her out of the house during your work hours. Having her on top of you 24/7 is not sustainable. Anyone would lose it, especially if you're trying to work at the same time. I had a similar situation with my in-laws a few months ago. I work from home some of the time. I'm not sure if it's for me. Anyway, my in-laws had friends from out-of-town visiting them and they decided to 'pop over' without calling first and asking. They wanted to show them the house. I did not let them in. I was on the phone with clients and working. Work is work and even if it's done from home people need to respect it.
Your MIL hasn't been living with you for too long, so you can still lay down the law in your own house before she gets too comfortable and set in her ways. Do it before it's too late.
See All Answers