Long story short. My MIL hates me. Not something I "sussed out" over the course of the years, although I knew going into my marriage she was NOT on board and was always saying "I can't believe the two of you are still together".....anyhow....43 years of dealing with this gorgon, I am still trying to figure out how to "deal" with her. She called me about 12 years ago and TOLD me she hated me and that she was cutting all "toxic people" out of her life. Ok, fine. Great by me. I was OUT. Yahoo!
Dh has had SO MANY accidents, near death experiences, not one of them were remotely related to my being married to him, but to hear from MIL, I have spent the last 42 years trying to kill him. he had HepC for 40+ years, developed Liver cancer, received a liver transplant, then had a post op infection that should have killed him, 84 weeks of the most brutal chemo possible, relapse of HCV, had a stroke during the chemo (unrelated to TX), climbing accidents, multiple car accidents (he's kinda spacey) motorcycle wreck 5 years ago that also should have killed him and in June/July had 2 major heart attacks within 2 weeks of each other. So--he's basically walked to death's door, what 6? 7? time and survived. I nursed him back from every single event.
Did his MOTHER at ANY points in this life of trauma EVEN ONCE call him, call me or even send a get well card??!
For 43 years she has taken EVERY opportunity to cut me down, say nasty, horrid things to me, but always "on the sly" never where anyone could witness it. I was so shocked, and of course told DH, who did not believe me. Just told me to be the bigger person and that she was "old" and to make allowances--blah, blah, blah. She was 46 when we got married. That's too old to know what you're saying??
So last year, she did actually "forget" that we were at a family party and she starts in on me---in front of the entire family. I just sat there--shocked speechless as she began her rant about what a horrible person I was and how I had done nothing but ruin her son's life---and the whole family sees and hears this...except my DH who is nearly deaf. My niece was in TEARS and said "Grandma, SHUT UP!"
I walked out and asked my SIL to take me home. He said "You leave, she wins, Stay and you're the better person" He put his arms around me and we rejoined the (now ruined) party.
Somebody said something to DH and he FINALLY---believed. Kind of. Still maintains that I have not worked hard enough to be a 'good DIL'.
Last night, as I was putting the finishing touches on today's dinner, DH comes home from work and announces that his mom has nowhere to go on Thanksgiving. He's going to call her. I balked. For one thing, I have place settings for 7--actually had to go out and buy ONE extra one, since I didn't have a setting for 7, just 6. I wasn't going to fight him. I said "call if you want, but I am not happy. I planned for 7, I am set for 7. Your mom will want to go home an hour after we eat. She hates the grandkids. She hates me. Your guilty feelings are NOT my responsibility".
He'd been sitting on this for 3 days--the jerk.
So, he called his sister instead and she said "Oh, mom came here on Sunday, she just will be alone today, It's not a big deal".
Dh says "well, I hope you're HAPPY. You don't have to put up with my mother after all."
why in the name of all that;s HOLY do I have to be the bad guy??
Really, there's nothing to DO. I just get so angry that DH throws me under the bus. He spends NO TIME with her, and when he feels too guilty to go any longer, he'll stop by, but inevitably comes home angry and somehow, it becomes my fault. ALWAYS.
I know the MIL dynamic can be hard. I AM a MIL to 5 people, whom I absolutely ADORE. Have I had to adapt myself to include them and learn to love them. Yes, but that's WHAT YOU DO.
And she'll live forever.