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Long story short. My MIL hates me. Not something I "sussed out" over the course of the years, although I knew going into my marriage she was NOT on board and was always saying "I can't believe the two of you are still together".....anyhow....43 years of dealing with this gorgon, I am still trying to figure out how to "deal" with her. She called me about 12 years ago and TOLD me she hated me and that she was cutting all "toxic people" out of her life. Ok, fine. Great by me. I was OUT. Yahoo!


Dh has had SO MANY accidents, near death experiences, not one of them were remotely related to my being married to him, but to hear from MIL, I have spent the last 42 years trying to kill him. he had HepC for 40+ years, developed Liver cancer, received a liver transplant, then had a post op infection that should have killed him, 84 weeks of the most brutal chemo possible, relapse of HCV, had a stroke during the chemo (unrelated to TX), climbing accidents, multiple car accidents (he's kinda spacey) motorcycle wreck 5 years ago that also should have killed him and in June/July had 2 major heart attacks within 2 weeks of each other. So--he's basically walked to death's door, what 6? 7? time and survived. I nursed him back from every single event.


Did his MOTHER at ANY points in this life of trauma EVEN ONCE call him, call me or even send a get well card??!


No.


Nothing.


For 43 years she has taken EVERY opportunity to cut me down, say nasty, horrid things to me, but always "on the sly" never where anyone could witness it. I was so shocked, and of course told DH, who did not believe me. Just told me to be the bigger person and that she was "old" and to make allowances--blah, blah, blah. She was 46 when we got married. That's too old to know what you're saying??


So last year, she did actually "forget" that we were at a family party and she starts in on me---in front of the entire family. I just sat there--shocked speechless as she began her rant about what a horrible person I was and how I had done nothing but ruin her son's life---and the whole family sees and hears this...except my DH who is nearly deaf. My niece was in TEARS and said "Grandma, SHUT UP!"


I walked out and asked my SIL to take me home. He said "You leave, she wins, Stay and you're the better person" He put his arms around me and we rejoined the (now ruined) party.


Somebody said something to DH and he FINALLY---believed. Kind of. Still maintains that I have not worked hard enough to be a 'good DIL'.


Last night, as I was putting the finishing touches on today's dinner, DH comes home from work and announces that his mom has nowhere to go on Thanksgiving. He's going to call her. I balked. For one thing, I have place settings for 7--actually had to go out and buy ONE extra one, since I didn't have a setting for 7, just 6. I wasn't going to fight him. I said "call if you want, but I am not happy. I planned for 7, I am set for 7. Your mom will want to go home an hour after we eat. She hates the grandkids. She hates me. Your guilty feelings are NOT my responsibility".


He'd been sitting on this for 3 days--the jerk.


So, he called his sister instead and she said "Oh, mom came here on Sunday, she just will be alone today, It's not a big deal".


Dh says "well, I hope you're HAPPY. You don't have to put up with my mother after all."


why in the name of all that;s HOLY do I have to be the bad guy??


Really, there's nothing to DO. I just get so angry that DH throws me under the bus. He spends NO TIME with her, and when he feels too guilty to go any longer, he'll stop by, but inevitably comes home angry and somehow, it becomes my fault. ALWAYS.


I know the MIL dynamic can be hard. I AM a MIL to 5 people, whom I absolutely ADORE. Have I had to adapt myself to include them and learn to love them. Yes, but that's WHAT YOU DO.


And she'll live forever.

I get the impression that this is a long standing argument between you and DH. I can certainly understand why. However one answer to how to handle it would be not to discuss it, even if it means putting ear plugs in, in DH’s face, whenever he mentions her. For you, that might be enough to make it very obvious what your comments would be (and anyway you say he is deaf). For him, it leaves him to sort out his own feelings himself, rather than turn it into being about your relationship with her.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Midkid58 Nov 22, 2018
Oh yeah--longstanding, but we really don't argue about it at all unless he throws a wrench in the works-like yesterday. IF he had mentioned this even yesterday morning, I could have easily bought 2 place settings and no problem..but to wait until I was DONE prepping the meal and setting the table and running all the errands and shopping--and to somehow try to make it be MY fault is patently stupid. He knows it. I called him on it and he admitted, very reluctantly, that yes, he should have said something on Monday. Truth be told, she probably wouldn't have come anyway.

Mostly, we simply don't make her a part of our lives. She's an angry, bitter woman. Had terrible marriage to DH's father and never misses a chance to malign this poor man--who has been dead for 15 years--and divorced for 14 before that. DH's oldest brother has zero contact with his mother--he breezes through town and never sees her, If he does it's for 90 minutes for a quick bite to eat and minimum chat. He usually drags DH along for moral support. Then he'll stop here for a migraine pill b/c he inevitably gets a migraine just from 90 minutes with her.

And he's 70 years old and a psychiatrist!! (BIL, not DH).

So it's not just me being "crazy"....it's--well, it is what it is.

So sad, she had so much love she could have enjoyed all these years and she chooses to be hateful and angry.

And she will live forever. She's a VERY healthy 87. The "joke" in the family is that I am the only one in good health--she very likely will outlive both DH and BIL AND SIL, Then she will only have me to "put her away".

I bet that thought keeps her up nights.
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Tell your DH you'll fix a plate for him and his mom when the meal is ready and he can take it over and be with her - in fact, insist😡
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Midkid58 Nov 22, 2018
Good idea-- i may just do that. We're eating early enough he could run by her place with a plate-but he won't.

I'm just upset with him for always facilitating this exact type of dynamic: he "forgets" to tell me something about a party or get-together until the absolute last minute. And often I cannot go or bring a dish, whatever. The he is the poor guy whose wife is a pain to deal with.

In my defense, he DOES KNOW how his mother feels about me. It's no secret. But in 43 years he has never, not ONCE stood up for me. If he'd done it ONE TIME, say back in 1978---this would never have gotten to the point where his mother doesn't even acknowledge our grandkids as being related to her. "It's too stressful, I can't deal with them, there's too many" (14) She does not even know their names.

Actually, a few weeks ago he asked me if I would have married him, knowing how bad she was--and I was pretty darn quick to say "No way". She did everything short of kidnap my DH and whisk him to a foreign country to stop our wedding.

Having had this experience, I have to say, I am a damn good MIL to my 5 inlaw kids. I love them fiercely and proudly...and I knew it was MY responsibility to make them feel welcome and loved in the family.
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