MIL doesn't understand why she has to stay in skilled nursing. Any advice?

Is there a psychologist/psychiatrist who visits patients in this present facility? There was one in the AL section where my mother is now in SN and one in the facility I hope to move her to. This type of professional could possibly help with the adjustment both with talk therapy and possible medication if proved necessary.

I know that there are times when my mother can accept advice from a kind staff member as opposed to me stating certain facts and realities.

I would advise against moving her unless there are blatant issues that are problematic. Changes can be a difficult adjustment. Her husband will still be gone. He can't be erased with a different environment.

I hope you find a solution that fits the needs you all seek.

Just a question ..was she the type who enjoyed these activities prior to her injury/ related issues and dementia? I can’t imagine it ..since my idea of activities are mostly more solitary. I like reading , some tv or movies, walks, bike rides, going to the beach , being with immediate family , and while I can be sociable I’d hate to be forced into it in a daily basis. Maybe if I were not in my right mind it would be different ? I’m also a light sleeper so forced cohabitation would be awful and I do hope more places develop accommodations that allow privacy - can’t understand why being roommates during hospitalization and in skilled nursing was ever a thing! Is she now okay mobility wise? Would she possibly do okay with an apartment at a senior living place with perhaps prepared meals she just has to heat and her meds prepared along with the hospice help and some additional aides ? What about a small care home ? Heartbreaking that she is so unhappy.

I personally believe that when you have dementia, visual becomes very, very important. You may not be able to interpret what is being said, the food is often not very familiar, leaving your eyes to clue you to what is happening in the world.

Is she is a Memory Care unit or is she truly in Assisted Living? Why does she cry when you visit? What about it does she hate?

Try to see if you can "fix" what she hates in her current place. However, it is very, very possible that the place holds too many sad memories for her and you should move her to another place. Yes, she will probably be unhappy in whatever place she is, however, the "unhappy" might be more manageable at a new place.

Some people with dementia don't know they have dementia. People with dementia are also likely to decline mentally and physically over time. She will need more care, not less, as this happens. She needs to be in memory care/assisted living. In time, she is also likely to forget her husband. My mother did, as her dementia progressed, even though she had a very happy marriage. She reverted to her early childhood memories. Some women with dementia are comforted with stuffed animals and baby dolls. You might try this. When a person with dementia wants to go "home," it is symbolic - it means they want to go back to a time when they were independent and capable of caring for themselves. It's difficult to adjust to an assisted living facility with their schedules and routines, but give her some time. She may get used to it. Your mother has dementia; her judgement is impaired. Her medical POA must now be the one to make decisions for her best interests.

SherryH1968: Perhaps your MIL requires a higher level of managed care facility living.

Hip fracture causes delerium in many older people. For some they return to previous cognition, almost normal. Sadly some will continue to fluctuate, having periods of confusion or staying confused. A step-down into a *new normal".

I’ve been there once. My wife was in care after a broken hand. She had other issues which I thought skilled care could improve. In reality it made things worse so I brought her home. She is not getting better but is happier. She has dementia and can not walk or stand. I would not want to be that way but that is me. I don’t think you will find care better than you can provide because it is all about money. If you can afford to stay in 5 star hotels then maybe you can find a good care facility

keep visiting, keep an eye on her for being in that state, its too emotional for her that is why she crys when visiting, say calming things ask dr to give her buspar a mild tranquilizer.

With her issues she is probably very vague about his dying there, or will be before long. Moving her seems like opening a whole new can of worms. They often don’t react well to new surroundings, especially at first.

I presume she's in Hospice? Perhaps a family appointment with the doctor and Hospice people can bring her clarity and acceptance. Asking a Geriatric Psychiatrist to meet with her would give her an opportunity to talk and get medications; no one should have to face that nightmare sober: Hell no!

I would never expect happiness from anyone who is suffering with a terminal disease and forced to live in an institution. I watched my mother die of lung cancer (who refused Hospice) and that's why I'm opting for the Death with Dignity program so that I can be in control of when and where.

Let the professionals help her deal with the 5 Stages of Grief with heavy doses of relief. Blessings.

if maybe she’s given drugs she shouldn’t be having. I was told from the few ppl whom were going there it’s really a transition to going to a deep sleep.

U gotta have mad love and selfish less ppl

Getting old sounds so scary from the stories I’m hearing.

How is it she’s going to hospice? To me it’s sounds like once u go there they automatically start given u drugs so u can die off. What a shame. I pray to God that he will guide me through my old age. Place hood God Fearing ppl my way. Bc I want to bd in my own home dying no extra drugs and definitely not having ppl that really don’t care about me. I pray I could be home have ppl come attend if need be. Otherwise I hope to be able to be fit enough that I can take care of myself.

It’s possible it maybe that reason bad memories of her husband. It doesn’t beat a try to see if she can live on her own she probably pay someone to assist her and place cameras in the home. No one wants to live somewhere other than there home. I don’t under why ppl don’t adhere to than. I guess when it’s our turn or in there foot steps we only get than see what that person was feeling. I’m noticing not playing a quilt trip I see some ppl must be place. It seems like some ppl give up on parents quick, fast and a hurry when they were there for us. We didn’t asked to be born however, we’re here. We must all do the best we can to help and at least fulfill someone’s request at least u or we can never say we didn’t try..

I don't know that your MIL would be happy in ANY managed care facility, whether it's Memory Care AL or Skilled Nursing, truthfully. Wanting to live in her own home is her desire, and that won't be accomplished in ANY managed care facility, let's face it. Her dementia doesn't seem too 'mild' either, if she's not aware of what's transpired with her health and why she needs to stay put where she's at. The belief that she can live alone with no help is a delusion that only an elder with advancing dementia would believe.

The goal is to get MIL involved in activities where she's at, involved with other residents and out of her room. Is that happening, or is she staying in her room all day with too much time to think? My mother was in both Skilled Nursing and Memory Care; the SNF was for rehab for about a month and Memory Care was long term for nearly 3 years. She was okay in both places for one reason: b/c she got OUT of her room and went to the activities, meals, movies and other things that were offered in BOTH locations. Both environments were similar except the Memory Care ALF was much smaller, and her room was nicer (no roommate in either place). The ALF was homier; she was able to get to know the staff on a personal level and she made a few friends there too; the routine was constant every day and the care was excellent (in both locations, actually).

Go tour a few Memory Care ALFs and see if MIL would be qualified to live there, IF she has the funds to private pay. See what you think and if you feel she'd be happier in a Memory Care or if she'd just be complaining the exact same way about wanting to live alone, etc. Many elders just reminisce about wanting to go back in TIME to when they were younger and healthier and living independently, which is no longer feasible. THAT situation cannot be recreated for them, no matter what you do.

Best of luck.

Just need to comment on MJs reply. She had a bad experience but my Moms was not.

After time in an AL, money ran out and I had to place Mom in LTC. I requested she not be left in her room all day. So Mom spent her time in the common room. There were activities every afternoon. Either playing games or watching a movie. There were special aides that their only job was the common area. Mom was in a wheelchair but able to scoot wherever she wanted to go. It had a large sitting area that looked like someone's livingroom that vistors could take the residents. A gazebo outside where the lawn was landscaped. Even had a small vegetable garden for the residents to work in that could. The residents were clean and happy.

So maybe tour some of the other facilities in the area and see if things would be better.

If she does not NEED Skilled Nursing I think a transition to Memory Care would be a better option.
Is there a MC option where she is currently? If so maybe a "visit" for some activity and getting to know people. Try that for a few days and see how she adjusts.
And...because it is me and I am such an advocate...Is MIL on Hospice? If not you might want to see if whoever is her POA would consider having her evaluated to see if she qualifies, she most likely would, she would have a Hospice Nurse come see her 1 time a week, a Hospice CNA come do bath and order supplies. (the SKF CNA would no longer do her bath) but you would have all the supplies you need provided (briefs, wipes, gloves, ointments, etc..) and you would have the option of having a Volunteer visit her 1 time a week and if available music or art therapy if she/you wish.

There is at least a 50/50 Chance that her crying has very little relationship to the facility, since she had adjusted relatively comfortably to it previously.

Other much more relevant factors are likely to be her progressive dementia, effects of a anesthesia during hip surgery, and the inevitable toxicity of the drug load she must take for her other issues.

Assuming that her PCP has done everything to help her manage the “lot of meds” she is taking, have you asked for a trial of an anti depressant and/or anti anxiety medication?

The likelihood that a major shift in her care setting would be helpful is pretty low, but depression can and does certainly occur as part of dementia. Maybe give that a try?

I would make a decision independent of her being unhappy. In other words, look around for another living situation, talk to the director where she is about whether another placement such as memory care might be a better fit, do your research, but don’t include MIL or her opinions in any of it. That may sound inconsiderate but it’s the opposite, her life has changed drastically with many health changes and a huge loss, what “happy” was could well be over for her, and whatever hoops you jump through may or may not help. Try really hard not to get caught in conversation with her on this, change the subject often, it will only frustrate you both. I wish you the best in figuring this out, she’s blessed to have you

Skilled nursing can be pretty miserable. My mother was in it for seven months because I didn't know any better, but after they darned near killed her from neglect (she wasn't sick enough), I decided to move her to memory care and life was happier.

Is her cancer such that her death is coming relatively soon, or is she mostly rehabbed from the hip and just in there taking lots of pills? Memory care might be a better option for her if it's a facility that have different levels of care where the more highly-functioning people have different activities than the lower-functioning ones. Be sure you have one that will care for her through the end of her life.

My mother was in a wheelchair, had heart failure, was nearly blind from macular degeneration, and mostly deaf -- all in addition to her dementia issues -- and she did very well in memory care. She improved vastly after leaving skilled nursing, too, because the focus was on mental stimulation and having things to do, rather than being "sick." They got her up and dressed every morning, got her out to the common room for breakfast, and she didn't go back to her room unless she had to go to the bathroom or be changed (later). They had activities all day long, and she received a ton of attention from the caregivers, because that's the focus. She eventually went on hospice there, and she had twice the attention because the hospice nurse was coming a couple times each week, and she died peacefully there.

It was a good decision to move her.