MIL (80) has Parkinson's and dementia. She has a portable toilet in her room. Her room has carpet. Do I keep her in depends all day?

You know your husband, we don't.. could it be that he's angry at the situation in general because he hates believing his own mother is now incontinent and needs to wear "diapers" so is in denial- that if he ignores the situation it will go away? This can be difficult for some people when they see a parent like this. I speak as a daughter who had to witness her father go through this as a result of sepsis that destroyed a kidney and left him incontinent as a result. Mom had just died, too, so I was trying to find what did and didn't work for him as delicately as possible without talking about it too much... I mean, he's my dad and was always a strong man that I admired... I hated to even think about him having to wear those things. After trial and error we found that the pull-ups worked best. They are now just referred to as his underwear.

Dad is fully independent and mentally cognizant and thankfully didn't fight it. Now he wears men's Tena briefs which is a great help for those moments when he just can't quite make it to the bathroom in time. They are not bulky at all and you can't even tell he's wearing them.

Good luck to you, I hope you and your husband can work together to do what's best for mom.

Mammajae,

I posted early on in this thread. I want to add to my thoughts on the topic.

I know first hand how you feel. My mom has Parkinson’s disease. It’s very hard to care for family members day in and day out, especially as they need more and more care.

I asked in my earlier post, “How do you feel about the position that you are in.”

Your response was that you didn’t like it. I don’t know anyone who would especially like it.

There are some people who feel caregiving is a calling and is fulfilling a purpose in life. For others it is an enormous burden.

You also said that you are doing the best job that you can but felt your MIL deserved more.

I understand this completely. I often felt the same way. I was doing my best too. I was also completely exhausted 7 days a week!

How can one person at home do the work of a complete staff in a facility?

Is a facility perfect? Probably not. Many are short staffed.

Is home care perfect? No, I don’t think so. We can’t always stretch ourselves as far as needed. If we are able to do it all, we pay a high price, both physically and emotionally.

The question becomes, is it worth it? Only you can answer that question.

There is no right or wrong choice. It’s a matter of finding what works best for all concerned.

Do not ever feel ashamed of saying that caregiving has become more than you can handle. Many of us have been there. You would not be the first one or only one to admit that it was too much to handle alone.

We support you whatever your choice is. If you decide to continue caring for your mother in law, please at least tell your husband that help is needed. You are not his employee. You are his wife.

Best wishes to you and your family.

I am saddened by your DH's attitude. "He says that to pee your pants on purpose is degrading". I think he must have a lack of knowledge in this area & of Parkinson's Disease & Dementia.

I lived with incontinence after both childbirths. I adapted by finding the right products until PT & time healed me. Many, many people live with continence problems for various reasons. It's part of life.

A continence nurse told me 'when cure is not possible, the aim becomes containment'. So yes, I'd provide the right product for your MIL. Start with Poise type pads or Pull-ups & move to Depends if needed.

Sometimes an Alzheimers help line have knowlegable staff in this area for advice. They may also advice of some family/carer support groups for yourself or your DH.

A some point MIL's care needs may outstrip what you can offer as one carer. It may be prudent to start that conversation now. Wouldn't it be good for your DH & you to work together to find extra care as needed? (Rather than get burnt out & resentful if he is in denial & hides his head in the sand).

PS cleaning up is NOT degrading - it is caring, helpful, necessary & hygienic!

No, it is not degrading to clean up after someone who needs help. Good grief.

Mind you, that goes for your husband too, of course. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

I haven't been able to figure out from your post exactly what's going on or what the problem(s) is/are. Several issues can end up with pee where you don't want it, including:

incontinence
immobility
messed-up reflex responses, e.g. peeing immediately on contact with cold air or on standing up
physical disorientation, i.e. not being securely seated before peeing
loss of sense of urgency, so that the person doesn't give herself enough time to get to the bathroom
etc etc etc

The main disadvantage to MIL's wearing continence underwear is that because it's warm and waterproof it incubates microbes beautifully, so you would have to step up her personal hygiene and change her pull-up frequently (which also gets expensive). Other than that, they are comfortable and inconspicuous (if you buy decent quality ones) and save both rushing and heartache.

Another option for you and DH to try is a bathroom schedule: you take it in turns to encourage MIL to visit at regular intervals, according to how often she normally has to go.

So there are many ways to tackle and mitigate, if not altogether solve, the issue. You and DH snapping at each other isn't one of them. Is he in the habit of assuming you'll be happy to deal with all the donkey work involved in caring for MIL?

Mammajae - do you have to do as your husband tells you?

If she's peeing on the floor she has lost bladder control. She should be in Depends pull-ups during the day which are disposable underwear with leakage protection. Or you can have her use regular underwear during the day with a Poise pad in it. She should do fine with it if she only has mild urinary incontinence.
I've read the rest of the responses here and I want to say, don't you dare put yourself down by saying you wish you could do better for your MIL. You're the only one doing anything for her and she's not even your mother. I'm sure she's far happier with you taking care of her in her home then she would be in a nursing home.
Your husband needs to quit running his mouth about how you're taking care of his mother or he can start doing it himself.
Please look into maybe getting her a few hours a week of aide care. It can be a real help with caring for her, housekeeping, and running errands. If you will have to pay out-of-pocket then look on a caregiver website and hire privately because you can negotiate the pay. If MIL is on Medicaid use an agency because they will pay.

You may explain to your husband, who must not have prostrate problems, that as people age they may not be able to control their bladders anymore. Especially woman who have had children. The muscles weaken and you can no longer "hold" it. My Mom wore a pad from her 30s because if she laughed or coughed she would pee a little. She was introduced to pull ups in rehab in her 80s and loved them.

I am the one doing the caring, so its what is easier for me. If its just a drip, I may use incontinence pads, but more than that I would put her in pull ups. Taking her to the bathroom every couple of hours is good. And checking with the doctor about medication sounds good too.

Why are you the one who has to clean her up? When/how/why is MIL living with you?

One of the many Parkinson's symptoms is the feeling of having to go when the bladder is not full and frequently. So if she gets up, she may go right there.

So the first thing you do is talk to the doctor, there are a few medications on the market that do something to the brain receptors that curb the immediate need to go. The second thing is to put her on a bathroom schedule every two hours, this should decrease accidents.

UTI TEST.... THE EASIEST.... Why the sudden change?

If not that,,, then what?

What changed in her world? environment? location? emotion? stress?

Did she have a physical issue? stroke?, seizure? recent blood test sow anything?

someone needs to give him the instruction kit.... social services, her insurance and what they offer,,,24/7 care, and what that costs...
medical testing,,, uti concerns... ABRI forms... L4.,,, depends, adult diapers with tabs ... like baby diapers.... role reversals have changed.... he needs to talk to her doctor, insurance company, get the tests done...
does she have a UTI? CAT SCAN... ETC, ETC...

Do Please Politely tell him,,, IT IS OKAY;.... This is what happens... surprise!! ahhhh poop...... things happen... he needs to get involved.

Your hubby is not conditioned yet to take care of his mom. and he needs to learn, that the tables have turned....
He needs to look on this site, and get ideas of how to deal with this situation....
Life does turn,,,, and he needs to learn.... show him this forum, and give him tools.. If you two have had kids,,, he knows... not it's time to do over again.

Mammajae -

Who is cleaning up the pee after his mother?

Whoever does it gets to do it his or her way.

Your husband obviously doesn't understand how disease & dementia works. He needs to educate himself and stop telling you what constitutes 'degrading' oneself when it comes to old age & disease. You should go check into a nice hotel for a week, on his credit card, of course, while HE takes care of HIS mother and does as he sees fit with the Depends situation, wash cloths & 'puppy pads' in bathrooms. When you come back, all nicely rested after getting a massage every day at the hotel, then you can have a chat with him about how everything went while you were gone & how you should share the care of his mother, or whether it's now time to place her in managed care moving forward.

Good luck!

You should not be caring for his mother. If he doesn’t wNt her in Depends, he should clean her up.

Tell him it is degrading for him to expect you to care for his mom.

I feel for your MIL. This isn’t her fault but it isn’t yours either. Nor is it your husband’s fault but expecting the impossible from you falls on him.

Please tell me why he isn’t writing to this forum regarding concerns about HIS mom.

How do you feel about being in this position?

I don’t know what else you can do.

You can consider hiring a helper to assist at home, which is costly.

You can call Council on Aging but they don’t hire overnight workers.

You could look into suitable placement for your MIL.

I am so sorry that you are struggling with this situation. I hope that you find a solution soon.