How do I get myself to mentally accept my Mom living with me?

I'm close to dealing with the same situation, as my father has dementia and mobility issues and should not be living alone. But I don't want him living with me as I also value my solitude and we are very different, starting with temperature tolerance. None of my siblings are volunteering. I've given up the last 10 years of my life including work (I'm 60), being his lifeline while my siblings have been attending to their own needs. I've depleted my retirement savings in the process. You will end up paying for everything unless you have a family meeting, with your mother present, and divide up how you are going to care for her. Get it in writing. At a minimum, they should provide financial support if you are providing the day to day care. They should also agree to be available for your mom to visit several times a year to give you some respite. Then hire someone to help offload you with some household chores such as cleaning so you can be available to help your mom run her errands, as she will probably give up driving. You will be cook, chauffeur, shopper, business manager, laundress, and companion. Thought Nolagal had some good suggestions how you can carve out some quiet time for yourself and mentally accept the situation. In our case, while Dad was living alone, I hired a friend to provide companion care a few hours each evening and a couple of days a week to ensure he was eating, walking, taking his meds and getting some fresh air while I took care of my own affairs. This allowed us to postpone the decision on assisted living vs. living with me. My house is small and cannot be expanded, so to take care of Dad myself, I would have to find another house, move us both into it, fix it up, and sell my house, which I can't afford and don't want to do (although I did look). Instead we visited some places with a menu of assisted services several times so he got used to them and I notified the family that I am putting him on a waiting list today. He's lonely and I am concerned that if something happened to me, it would be a major disruption in his daily life.

{Q}not financially able to be in assisted living, maybe seeking out an elder attorney on how to file for Medicaid{EQ}
t took me five years to discover there are "Frail Elder Waivers" that we received with the help of a elder lawyer who is savvy in things medicare and medicaid. My ADW is now receiving terrific caregiving paid for HER medicaid because they separated my assets and income from her's. Processing a waiver is for the strong of heart. We have had terrific advice and suggestions from our local Alzheimer's org. Funding for A Aging Agencies is such that if they don't know you and you you luck out with a seasoned case manager you don't learn of publicized help. Ask and push for help ...be assertive and nice...

You say she didn't raise you but there is some closeness. This may be a factor, do you really know her. You talk about the "daughter" not "sister". Just assuming, if this is an adoption thing where u got together later, I wouldn't do it. This may sound harsh, but u owe her nothing. This is a responsibility of the " daughter".

I wouldn't make a decision until you think everything thru. Is she living in her own home or rents? If rents, then u will have her SS if you choose to have her live with you. Maybe a pension? This money could be used for daycare or have someone come in to give her meals and bathe her. Do not quit ur job. Your only 10yrs or so from getting full SS. They only go back 35 yrs from the date u retire. If you haven't worked any part of that time, ur SS will be lower. You need to consider ur future. Please don't feel guilty. Mom has been with me almost a year and I still have a hard time with it. I was retired 1 1/2 yrs when I agreed to watch infant Gson parttime ended up being fulltime till he was 20 months at which time my Mom could no longer take care of herself. At least with the baby I had my weekends but with Mom its 7 days a week and she is easy. Make appts with your local Social Service and Office of the aging. You may be surprised what they offer. If u don't have POAs, I'd get them while she can sign papers. See if any daycares in your area. Talk to them. Mom just started 3x a week. They offer bussing and bathing. She came home yesterday complaining about the bus. I called, this being new, she was confused and thought they were leavingher. She is second run. She said she would only go if by car, I said no I wasn't taking her. Bussing is part of the cost. I get her up and dressed. She hasher tea and paper while she waits. Once picked up, I can get a shower and then run my errands. I get my me time without the guilt.

Some of the people here make it sound like a death sentence to take care of a loved one. Don't get me wrong, it does affect how you live your life and yes it is often very difficult to not have time alone. My elder mother lives with me and although I still work, it is hard to come home and have to care for her every day. I can't travel anymore because she can't stay alone overnight. I do feel resentful at time but then I think, what is more important. Then I find the good in the situation and find other ways to be happy. My alone time is in the early morning when she is still sleeping and late at night after she goes to bed. I will get a cup of coffee and sit on the patio and enjoy the morning. At night I relax in the tub or just curl up and watch a movie. Yes, it is hard, yes I get frustrated and sad at time but most of the time I am happy and have several wonderful friends that I have lunch with or see a movie or go to a museum. I suggest you join some clubs or get a group of friends and tell your mom that you are taking Saturdays for yourself and go out for the day either with friends or alone if you need that time. Sounds as if she can stay alone for a few hours without a problem. You have to push the negative defeating thoughts out of your head and decide how to find joy without sacrificing taking care of your mom.

Words cannot express how thoroughly I disagree with this statement "Many times in life people just have to do things they do not want to do, but it is the "right" thing to do caring for your mother."

The poster who said this is in an entirely different situation, IMO. Caring for a spouse. A spouse is someone you choose, someone you make commitments to that are intended to be for life, and someone who hopefully would do the same for you if positions were reversed. I do believe in caring for one's spouse if he or she becomes disabled. I don't agree with any obligation to sacrifice yourself for someone you did not choose or make any mutual commitments to. That's not living up to your end of the bargain - it's out-and-out self-sacrifice. I don't believe you have any obligation to sacrifice the quality of your life for the quality of your mother's life, especially not for an indefinite period of time that will only end upon her death.

It's one thing to give up a week or two, maybe a month even, while looking for a placement for Mom. It's another thing to become the placement, indefinitely, when you already know you have neither the desire nor the willingness to do that.

It would be nice if home health care could come every day for an affordable rate. I hate the idea of my mother going to a nursing home, but it may come to that. Take care of yourself too and do what you think if best for your peace of mind.

By the way, my mother is much happier this way, and so am I.

I wasted about 5 years of my life doing my mother's bidding. She lived in her own apt, I lived in mine, but on the same apt complex. The solution was for her to live in a place where other seniors lived, a reasonable distance away from me: about a half hour, and now I live in a senior place where rent is cheaper which is helping me to survive from the miserable 5 years that I could hardly work while I was stupidly cow-towing to mother.
We had horrible blow outs as she slowly realized she could make the mental switch to relying on others and having me as her backbone support: my duties are one daily phone call, once a week shopping, emergencies, and anything else she can't get someone else to do or do herself. She's 94 and relatively healthy. I am lucky but it was hard emotional work to go through this.
She'll be aging in place no matter what.
Use every darn resource your community and the government offers while we still have it! It's a matter of survival. Good luck!

At 84 yrs., I am sure she has heard everything. Express your feelings and you may be surprised at what she has to say. Your "alone" time will come when she passes, so unless you can figure out another living arrangement I highly suggest you put your "me" feelings on hold. Many times in life people just have to do things they do not want to do, but it is the "right" thing to do caring for your mother. If she can be alone, get out by yourself for your "alone" time. I carve out mine as much as I can, but one of these days my husband will die and then the silence will be deafening.

Please look in to Adult Family Care or Adult Foster Care. (Ask the Medicaid folks in your state.) If you are not her legal guardian (and I assume you are not), you can receive a stipend for taking care of her in your own home. This is an alternative to placement in a nursing home or ALF and acknowledges that caregivers lose income in provided needed care. If you feel that you may not be in a position to do this, please look for someone else who would be willing to provide care in their own home (and receive the stipend). This may help you with the boundary issues.

Everyone already said it all. This is your call; no one is forcing you to do this. I took care of BOTH my parents for 5 years. Dad now passed. I had coffee with a friend just at the beginning of my elder caring days, crying, and said I can't handle this. She said to me, "You did this. You were the one that decided to do this." While it crushed me at the time, she was right. I did this. It ruined me but luckily not my marriage. Darn close! Mom is now in a home after a series of strokes, she too gets around with a walker but needs 24/7 care. We spent down her money and she is on Medicaid. The NH is close, I see her twice a week and do her laundry. That's what I got left, (mentally and physically). 1 child in college and the other just flew the coup. We are starting to live again. Please think about how this will be a life changing experience for you. No joking. I agree with the thought of placing her in a facility to be with others her age. Best of luck and take care of YOU!!!

If you are feeling this bad about it now, you will not feel better after she actually moves in. My advice would be to re-think the situation and find another option for her. It may not appear to be the best thing now but based on my own experience it is what we should have done with my mother in law. We thought it was our only option and bit the bullet thinking it would get better with time or we could somehow get used to it. That has not happened. A year and a half later we have no life and neither does she. What little family she had has suddenly fallen off the map and our friends have given up on us ever being available again. There are certain people who are cut out for this, but I think if you go into it thinking you will be unhappy, you probably will, times 1000. My husband would agree with all of what I'm saying. If I knew then that we would be as miserable as I thought we would she would not be here with us now. Just my two cents.

you will probably NEVER mentally accept it if your having issues ALREADY. I had to tell my mom 6 months after she moved in that this was the WRONG thing to do and 1 year later shes STILL on a waiting list for an apartment an my whole life has been ruined. My relationship with my mother is now just SAD. I don't think well ever get back what was lost because I am filled with so much resentment its probably not possible. Take my advice and make her do as much for herself as she possibly can or she will turn into a bump on a log and EXPECT you to do everything while shes complaining to the other ones about everything you DONT do. My mom even flat out LIES to my siblings about what goes on here. I know because they tell me what she says. Then it makes me realize how un grateful she is ( if she was grateful she wouldn't make up stories that paint the ONLY person to offer help her in such a bad light ). Get ready for a roller coaster ride and buy yourself a new helmet because your going to need it. Read here and take advice from these people who have already been there.

you mentioned that she is not financially able to be in assisted living, maybe seeking out an elder attorney on how to file for Medicaid. they will go over all her assets,etc and they should be able to let you/her know what to expect. it might even be good for her to move into a facility with others her age, she could do more things (watch movies, puzzles, games, they do some outings, etc) that would give her something to look forward to. we all like that freedom to ourselves from time to time (I know I do) but there is always something that comes up. neither or your faults, its just life. but again, check on getting her "assistance" so she can go to a facility and you can visit as much as you want/when you want. this way you won't take the chance of "chewing off each other like mice caught in a box" when you just want to stay friends. I love my mother/father but I would never move them in with me, it would cause terrible hard feelings and resentments. (and they actually said they would never want to burden their families either). good luck and God bless.

I'm right behind Countrymouse when she says "The level of calm that exists between you is based on the falsehood that you are happy with this situation." You are planning to enter into a situation where you know you will be miserably unhappy and you also know you won't be able to voice your feelings about it. I'm in that situation now, and trust me, it will eat at you. I lived with my mother for a year or so but I couldn't stand it - I had to leave. It eats at me even being compelled to live within a certain distance from her, close enough to come over and perform her chores every week and rush over to attend to every little household or personal crisis.

I like freqflyer's idea of establishing boundaries in advance, but it wouldn't have worked for me and it still really doesn't. I had no idea how my mom was going to respond to getting help from her children. Greedy, demanding, entitled, always asking for one more thing than I would have done voluntarily. Responding to any resistance with hissy fits and guilt tripping. To this day, I can't get her to ask for help in a manner that sounds like an actual request and not a politely-phrased order. Those parent-child dynamics freqflyer mentioned - if she treats you like you're twelve years old, it almost doesn't matter how you respond - if you're anything like me you'll be furious no matter how you respond.

The likelihood is you'll also become furious with your siblings for not contributing, not calling you to offer support, going on their regular vacations instead of coming to relieve you with Mom for a week, etc.

Don't go into a situation knowing you'll be an unhappy caregiver. It's much harder to unwind one of these situations than to not step into it to begin with.

Best advice I'd offer anyone moving some one in to their home is to meet with an elder affairs attorney and get all POA's in place and a written contract with the person regarding long term care and rent. Been there; and verbal agreements are subject to memory of all parties and when things get riffled you are in deep yogurt

Sometimes we feel backed into a corner, as if we have no choice. I've been there. There is the option of in-home care for her with frequent visits from you. I understand the craving to have alone time since I need more of that than most people seem to. It's part of our sanity. You've already given a lot. I'd consider in-home care as one option. Please do come back here and as was mentioned "talk it out."
Take care of yourself!
Carol

B, I'm curious why you think that this is your responsibility. Who is telling you that this "must" happen? Please give that some thought, and as CM says, come back and talk this out.

Your last tw statements concern me. Not being able to voice ones thoughts or feelings is not good for your mental health. It's like a kettle simmering and then will boil over. Get counsel to help you in this matter

There are options other than living alone help can be brought into her home to help her with chores, and other needs. Moving in with you is not the only option to be explored. At 55 I assume you are still employed so who would watch her while you work? You need to not just give up and do what may seem the only way...and mom doesn't get to dictate how you can live your life. That is not her choice. Explore options other than assisted living.

Is this a plan, or a fait accompli?

The level of calm that exists between you is based on the falsehood that you are happy with this situation. I'm going to mull that over for a while and come back to it. Would you like to do the same?

What's with the "too far away" with the other siblings? Too far away from what? Why does she have to move in with you?

Digit, you mentioned that your Mom maneuvers fairly well using a walker, is her medical issue just mobility or are there other medical issues?

Before your Mom moved in set boundaries NOW. Depending on her medical issues, you and her can be like best-friends room-mates each with your own set of chores. If you plan to be away for the day, you should be able to leave the house without having to answer to Mom, just let her know you are leaving. Maybe for an extra sense of protection, get her one of those medical alert devices to wear.

If Mom no longer drives, she will need to plan ahead on what she needs... that is where I had wished I had set boundaries with my own parents, they had me on the road going here, there, and everywhere, and got to a point where I hated to drive. I couldn't get my folks to use the internet to shop and have deliveries made to the house. Nor would they call a taxi.

And whatever happens, try not to have the child-parent dynamics happening where Mom thinks you are 16 and needs to know what you are doing every minute. Even though you mentioned that she didn't raise you, she might want to correct that by wanting to oversee everything you are doing.

Hope this will be a win-win situation for the both of you :)