How do I get myself to mentally accept my Mom living with me?

Hi oh really 51. I am 58, Single and many years from retirement. My very disabled Mom is a darling. However she does not fully comprehend my circumstances. It is a day to day struggle for me to keep my head above water. I can only tell her in the nicest way possible that I can not fulfill her every wish in her old age. I wish I could, but I do not have the economic means. I would also like to to do something nice for myself - like taking a very long overdue vacation. Mom is in a safe and secure place, for which I am grateful. She was a caring mother, but lived her life very fully with travel and friends after she divorced my Dad. I would happily do more, yet this is my time to do something for myself. I have no husband, kids or property. It is my time to enjoy what life has to offer. I help my mom as best as I can, but not at the cost of sacrificing my money and future. I need a vacation like nobody's business! Really not prepared to sacrifice my own small savings to fulfill my mothers's fantasies and desires. If she requires medical attention that is one thing. Amusement and company is quite another. I am at peace with the decisions I make because I realize it is the best I can do and, quite frankly, my mom has led a very interesting and adventurous life. It is my turn.

I wonder what b1digit has decided to do?

Kid#2

I'm 66 and if the money was there, would have Mom in an AL. I agree that she lived her life the way she wanted, now its your time. As long as she is safe, clean, fed and you visit and do what u can, I don't see why you should feel guilty.

Hi JoAnn29
Thank you for your comment and support. The problem I have is that visiting my mother would be an enormous expense to me. She lives in a senior residence 1,000 miles from me and has no extra bedroom. Her apartment is filled with her medical devices and so on. I cannot afford to fly there, stay in a hotel and pay for ground transportation. If I had that much money I would take a much needed vacation myself (have not had one in 13 years). In her mind, a trip to see her would be like a trip to paradise. That is certainly not the case. She and other family members are frequently sending me travel bargain updates as to how I could "afford" to go visit her. It is very annoying. How about sending me a check if they think it is such a "bargain"? This creates a lot of stress for me. I can barely pay my own bills, live alone and if I had the money I would take a actual vacation for myself. They have no clue and seem to think I do not care. I am weary of their instructions on how I can visit my mother. She purchased a non refundable 4 day vacation package for $4,000 earlier this year. Due to yet another fall she took, she was unable to take the trip.
That is too bad. I never had $4,000 for a vacation package. If she wanted to see me so badly she could have sent me the money for travel, hotel and ground transportation to visit her. She did not. So why should I dig into my pockets to satisfy her desires? It never ends. I will spend my hard earned money as I see fit. I am very tired of the guilt trips and so on.
I do only what I can. She is comfortable where she is and as you say, I am not guilty of neglect. I can hardly talk to her anymore as she never lets up about me coming to visit. I love her, but these requests are out of hand and are causing me a lot of stress.
No one goes out of there way to
visit me or help me. That is okay, but I am not able to fulfill what they seem to think should be a priority for me. My priority is to make sure I stay sane and keep a roof over my head. It is sad that all she can see is that I do not visit her.

By the way, before she moved to Florida for health considerations (warm weather easier with her medical condition) she lived very nearby and I visited as frequently as possible, especially when she was hospitalized or needed medical or physical assistance. I told her when she moved I understood she needed to take care of her health, but it was unlikely that I would be able to visit her there. She said I hardly saw her any way so what difference does it make. She soon forgot how many times I was there for her when she lived nearby. None of our family live in Florida. A person can only do so much. I always hope she is safe and as happy as possible.

Gold Lady,

You rock!!!

Update! Mom and Aunt just announced they got a refund from the trip that was cancelled due to Mom's fall! Great!
So now they are planning a luxury 2 week cruise to Barcelona. These are the people that keep sending me bargain updates on how I can visit Mom. I am glad she is going on a cruise, but really how can these people badger me to spend my money to visit?
The irony that she spends so much money on her own amusements and is not quite so interested in having me visit her that she would pay for it (this would not be a "vacation" - just a labor of love for me) is so shocking.
I am now definitely sure I will take a vacation when I can afford one - and skip the visit to my mom for the time being. As the world seems to revolve around her, I am sure she will offer to pay for a visit if some time passes and I do not have disposable funds of my own to do it.
I'll be!!

Kid#2, I sort of know where ur coming from. My MIL chose to move to Fla away from Family. We were 2days away the closest child 7 hrs. She stayed even after my FIL died. Once DH retired she kept trying to get him to move down there. I'm the only one here for Mom and nephew. She went down thinking people would visit all the time. Our girls were young and we only got there every couple of years later once or twice. I hate when people assume you have money. Don't u hate when they don't listen. Take that vacation because if u spend it to go see Mom I guarentee won't enjoy the visit. You Mom and Aunt are in their own little worlds. Sounds like they have never pinched pennys.

Kid#2.........for some of our mother's, there's no such thing as 'enough'. No matter how often I go see my mother (she lives locally in an ALF), I 'never stay long enough'. She constantly reminds me of what I'm NOT doing, or how disappointed she is with the 'short' visits or phone calls from my kids, etc. So what's the point? That's the question you need to ask yourself. Save your money & take a great vacation yourself. There is a website I've used called Vacationstogo and there are lots of really good/reasonable deals on there, especially for last minute trips (like 3 or 4 weeks away). It's not a 'sin' to treat yourself with loving care.......it really isn't. I hope you are able to find the time & the extra funds to go somewhere & have a BLAST! :)

I sympathize Kid#2 - my Mom lives on the other side of the country. At least she will reimburse me for travel costs, which will be going up now that the house is on the market. My Mom can't travel anymore, so she's not going to Barcelona or anywhere else. If your Mom really wanted to see you, why can't she take a side trip to your town/city?

Please go take that vacation - for yourself and for me who won't be getting a "real" vacation for a while.

To Joann29, Snickerdoodle & lealonnie 1
Thank you all for your thoughtful replies and your support. I really appreciate it! Glad to know that others in the same position "get it". In addition to my mom I have 5 siblings, most who think I am selfish and insensitive. They all have money and property (I rent an apartment and am almost finished paying off debts I incurred after a long illness). I support myself and have very modest means.The trip is going on the credit card too! They have no Idea what my circumstances are, they do not pay my bills and they have been very liberal in their criticism of me. I always helped my mom when she was here. Also as a girl I was the oldest daughter and did plenty of housework, cooking and babysitting when my mom divorced my dad. I am never married (they all have been) and take plenty of vacations as well. It is really ok for me to concern myself with myself. Thanks you all for the thumbs up:)

Kid#2 - The words used and tone of your comment sounds like you're not all that close to your mother anyway and you kinda resent the vacations she spent on herself after she divorced your dad. So, if I were you in this case, I would just take that vacation as soon as possible while her health is stable, and plan a small vacation every year, even if it's just a weekend get-away to a lodge or cabin somewhere with a friend or two. Once you do that, you won't feel as put out for not taking a vacation that you've wanted. You needn't feel guilty for not taking care of her as the Asians do because it's not really as easy or wonderful as you think. You need to walk in their shoes before you guilt yourself into doing something you're not comfortable with just because they have been known to do it. You are right though, if she now has the $4000 back, she could have made a side trip to see you since money is a problem for you. From your age, your mother is probably around her late 70's or early 80's. She also feels the need to do the things she can do regarding vacations and visiting while she can. She probably needs a "bucket list" and you can help her with that with the idea in mind that your part of the trip must be paid for, at least in part, and you can accompany her wherever she wants to go. Spending her last years with her will benefit you as much as her; once she's gone, there won't be a chance to "change your mind" about a trip. In a few years, you may be planning a move down there for the weather too. One option to consider, get her a laptop with a camera on it and teach her to use Skype or other softwares. It's great to be able to just log on , click on someone's name and when they answer, you can see them, their room, their family members, etc. and it seems just like you were sitting at the table talking with them. You can visit all your want without paying for a flight, room or ground transportation. I do this with my son who lives and works for an oil company in the Philippines. Our days and nights are opposite but we coordinate a time for his family to be there (my DIL, 2 grandsons) and we just chat about everything. He isn't able to come here but once or twice a year so we depend on these visits to fill in the gap and it's great. You could talk with her for hours if you wanted. It will take a small investment up front for the laptop and download the program. Then you show her how to use it if she isn't familiar with computers. Then, take your money you saved and spend it on yourself!

I get lots of advice like yours. I do not work for a small company in the Philippines, do not have a laptop and do not Skype.
My mother may take any trip she wishes and she always has. She moved away when she divorced and that's what she wanted to do.
I was very sick for 10 years and she never came to help me. That is okay, but it left me very broke (in debt, no money).

You and others suggesting there is something personal or psychological is not accurate. It is a practical financial matter. I know this is a hard concept for people with lots of disposable income to get their head around, but I simply don't have it. That is the crux of the matter. If she dies I am at peace.
Thank you for your comment.

BTW, she does Skype with her granddaughter and my brother. He is an Engineer and has all kinds of computer equipment and money. Best I can do is FaceTime on my phone, but she is physically disabled as can not use a hand held device.

The concept of "I wish I had done that" does not usually cross my mind. I really have given it my all. I even got her a place to live right around the block from be but she wanted to move to Florida.

What bothers me most is the insistence of others of how "easy" this would be and how I would "regret" it if I did not do this and that.

Our family is not close and they are all over the country. I always spent lots of time with my grandparents and elderly relatives who stayed nearby. (I live in NYC - that is where our family is from.) None of the younger ones who are far away are particularly welcoming regarding visits and frankly I can't afford the trips. That's just how it is.

It's really sad that you were ill for 10 years and had no support from your own mother. Why is it they have no empathy, and no concern for anyone but themselves? But then they expect The Royal Treatment, after NEVER giving it to another? ? Mind boggling. Besides, you can try to jump thru all those fiery hoops she holds out, but it likely won't ever be enough anyway. All you'll do is keep getting burned. In this case, phone visits will have to suffice. Its nice to hear you say that if she passes away, you are at peace......that's the best feeling of all.

I am glad you are able to stay connected to your family via technology and that your son brings his wife and 2 kids to visit twice a year. Do you have any idea how much money that costs? It is great that they do that, but it does cost a LOT of money, as do computers, software and internet service. I am a long way from retirement, no kids, no husband. I really do my best. Each situation is different. Count your lucky stars. I am glad I recovered from my illness and still have a home. I have taken care of my mom while she was here plus her mom and my aunt. I can't go flying all over the place to fulfill her wishes.
You have a very devoted son, apparently, who has economic means. That's great. Not everyone is in that position.

P.S. Try not to concern yourself with other people's opinion of how you're handling things. There is an old AA saw that's very applicable here: "Other people's opinions of me are none of MY business". If you are at peace with this, that's all that matters, you know?

I understand completely how you feel, I'm there. My mother could no longer live alone nor had the money to go into assisted living. And as for Medicaid here in Texas you must private pay until Medicaid kicks in which could take up to two months unless they go into the hospital then it can be expedited. But I resent not having a life not being able to go any where. Tried taking her with us but if it's not what she wants to do she complains the whole time making us miserable. But I've never gotten along with my mother, so this is doubly hard. Sounds so said I'm just waiting for her to pass on. Just like you I get no help from siblings, they don't want to be bothered so I'm stuck all day with a woman who never wanted me to be born ( her exact words to me while I was growing up) never speaks except to complain. So yes I do know just how you feel.

Thank you lealonnie1 Yes it was a very lonely journey being sick so long. The only person who helped me at was my late aunt who passed away last year at age 93. She was the kindest person I knew. We were very close and, if you can believe it, the others resented the fact that she was so kind to me. She helped me with my medical insurance so I was able to get treatment. I still had other bills, but thank goodness she helped me with that or I never would have made it. Still have debt and lost a lot of income, career, social time but I am alive and well.
I miss my aunt very much. She lived nearby and I spent as much time with her as possible. She was the only sensible one in the family. At least I had her.
Thanks for writing and understanding. Some family members can really put you through the test. Good luck to you too!

Spam

b1digit: "I just to know how to find a way to accept my new responsibility?" (Yes, I get that you left a word or two out there.) But the point is if it's yourself who is telling you that mom's your responsibility, you're incorrect. Have you had a meeting with your siblings? I strongly urge you to consider Churchmouse's words "fait accompli." Has mom applied to Medicaid? You say that neither you nor her "looked forward to" or "hoped for" living together, then it's going to be a virtual "sob fest" every day. Consider another solution. Possibly mom would be happier in an AL.

Forget that answer. This thread was a year old and "Emily5" apparently removed her question about a natural product. A big hoax!

I see this is an old post and I hope you were able to resolve the problem. I hope you were able to make this work or find her alternate placement because yes, you definitely sound like you need your space and privacy. Sometimes when someone either moves in on us or we must move them in, they can wear out their welcome and we may actually start resenting them because we feel they've been there too long. I don't think it's intentional, but they're definitely comes a time to be taken in for a time and then a time to move on. I think those inner feelings may be God's way of helping us to regain our space, freedom, home and independence. I'm not 100% on this, but I know God does work in our hearts to move us in the direction in which we really need to go because everything has a season. I'm not sure if you're even cut out to be a caregiver, some people aren't and that's OK. I know I'm not cut out for it but I can help and do simple tasks. I think if there was a group helping this person with different assigned tasks, it would probably be much better to take care of someone else instead of the full job falling on just one person. If there was let's say four different people doing different stuff for this person, it would be much better to help an aging loved one. You shouldn't have to do all of this by yourself, this can lead to resentment and abuse if you're not careful. Though you may not ever abuse the person, you probably will feel some level of resentment sometime. If you need to rest and your love one needs something, I personally would make them wait if it wasn't anything important. As long as you don't have a medical emergency or need to go to the bathroom, it can wait. I used to put everything top priority to the point I ended up breaking each and every time because as I learned in first year college, not everything is top priority. What I was doing is unintentionally bringing myself to the breaking point by putting everything on top priority instead of realizing not everything is top priority. There are some things that can wait, those are lower priorities. There are others that can still wait but maybe not as long as low priority, these are medium priority. Medical emergencies and other similar issues like bathroom and such are top priority. Other things like paying mandatory important bills to keep the lights on, running water, a roof over your head and food in your belly are other top priorities. What you need to do is learn to prioritize based on this example so that you don't get stressed out and have a fuse burning at both ends. When you have a fuse burning at both ends, you'll burn out and especially faster if you're trying to do something you're not cut out to do. If you're not cut out for this job, then you must move her to alternate living arrangements where she can get the care she needs and deserves

Trust me - when she moves in your dynamic will change. It is totally different when they are under your feet constantly. You said she is a beautiful person - but with age comes personality changes - and not always for the better. I would rather my mom live away from me and she did for awhile but is back with me. I am looking into assisted living because she will need more help than I can give down the road. Funny - she acts like she's going to be able to drive and live FOREVER! I have 2 older brothers and they seem to think she's still in her 70's...not 91! Yes she still drives/cooks/baths/and is mobile but she is declining and let's face it. It could take just one fall to send her into assisted living and/or a nursing home. I still work full-time and am a solo homeowner. And no matter what I do it never seems to be enough. It does get to be exhausting but I've taken some of my power back. I'm getting a t.v. put into my bedroom since she has taken over mine and watches ALL of her shows and I'm planning a two day getaway with friends. I'm going to take advantage of her being independent...for now. She can also be very demanding and say very ugly things - that literally make no sense. She's narcissistic for sure - it's all about her. She actually pouted when I told her the cable company is coming Saturday to install an extra line. That got met with - "I guess I'll just move out and get out from under your feet"...whatever! Good luck and I love this site - it's been a life saver!!!