How do I get myself to mentally accept my Mom living with me?

If there is another option, consider it FIRST. If this is your last alternative, my heart goes out to you. It is tough and there are many stages to this...I would avoid it if you can. If I could back in time, I would have found another way, definitely look into Medicaid for long term care (nursing homes, etc) and for in-home assistance (depending what state you reside in). Get all the help you can get now and definitely get the Health and Financial POAs in place NOW. Do not wait. My mom had a stroke and it was months before I could get to a point where she could sign an POA, and even then, she didn't want to do it. It is a LONG journey ahead so do everything you can to benefit YOU, NOW. Good luck.

First, block the negative and stressful thoughts immediately and instead get to the business of your life and your caregiving. Those thoughts will eat you alive if you let it, don't let it. Second, hire a health aide for awhile as much as you can to basically learn from them, they'll show you how to take care of your mom, then if you can't afford them any longer, at least you've learned some basic caregiving, even a health aide coming in once a week for a few hours will help, be there to learn from them. Third, love your mom, be a loving caregiver, but overall treat the caregiving like a job. All of it, and this is the most important part of caregiving, it is why some people walk out of caregiving when it's done stronger, and others are ruined, I'm not kidding. That means you schedule a routine, there is a day to do shopping, stick to it and have a list so you don't have to go back until that next scheduled day, a specific day to do laundry, do not let mom send you on errands at her whim, keep control of the caregiving work you do, it's a job. Keep a calendar, keep to do lists for every day, the caregiver work, and your other stuff. Schedule doctor appointments well in advance. Keep paperwork on everything and a file system, you'll need it down the road, trust me. By doing this, you maintain control of your life as a caregiver, you maintain more free time for yourself, and you're more likely able to do things for yourself, it works, I've been doing it for two years and my parent cannot walk, cook, clean, or even do restroom breaks alone, he's in diapers. Hang onto whatever hobbies you have or things you love, even just a little, it's a must. Hang onto your friends, it's a must. Next, set mom up with her own mini living quarters, it'll make her feel more independent, and it'll give you privacy and quiet time when you need it. If you can't go out as much, and you likely won't be able to, like I said, hang onto your friends and have them over instead of you trying to go out as much, ideas would be; have a book club at your place if you like to read, invite your friends, include your mom if she wants, if she doesn't want to, she has her own mini apartment to spend time in, this could be her bedroom and another spare bedroom made up for her with a tv area, maybe a mini coffee pot and microwave for her, a library, my dad has that and he loves it, no microwave or coffee pot, but he has a snack area he can get to, a stereo because he loves music and games that he loves. We watch tv together and go shopping together for his list, but he doesn't always want me around either. Parents don't always want us around and they don't want to be stuck in a bedroom either. Anyway, if friends don't read, just invite friends over, girls night, movie night, etc... let mom hang out too. Those hobbies, interest and friends are important in the long run because you can reschedule trips, you can travel later in life, but you cannot replace friends, and even hobbies are hard to get back. Anyway, just saying, I've learned this in my caregiving and I've seen and heard of a lot of people losing themselves in caregiving, it doesn't have to be that way.

My situation; I'm 55, widowed, one year from losing my husband, still raw with grief, my dad falls terribly ill and moves in with me, no help. Two years in now taking care of dad in my home, he doesn't want to go to nursing care, and although dad takes several hours every day to take care of, I still have somewhat of a life of my own, have plans for my future and I can see the possibilities. My life changed when I was widowed, I had no idea what I was going to do with my life or how it would be after I lost my husband, but after two years of caregiving, I know when my caregiving job is done, I'm having a life for myself, the sun will shine and I'll be ready for it, I savor ever moment of my life more because of the caregiving I've done and the loss I've seen in my life. I wish you well, and much strength in the road ahead of you.

Have you considered checking into assisted living facilities in other areas of your state or even a different state that has a lower cost of living? There are nice assisted living facilities that are half the cost or less of those in a higher rent district. Maybe you could find one that is midway between you and the other sibs.

You don't sound like you want to do this and it doesn't sound like you have any support. Neighbors tend to think it was your decision to bring your parent home so why should they offer help.
I had a relative that actually enjoyed assisted living after not wanting to go there. Like others said it would be much harder to change your mind once she is in your home.

Lots of good advice and viewpoints on here. Hopefully a good solution will come to you. I wish you the best

I just reread ur post and this struck me

How do I get myself to mentally accept my Mom living with me?
"we get along fairly well because i do what i have to make it that way"

It sounds like you bend over backwards to make sure she doesn't get mad or upset. Not good. You think you will be able to do this day in and day out. Believe me, u will end up making yourself sick. Checkout some things that have been listed. If you can't find the services she can afford than she may need to get Medicaid and be placed in a nursing facility. If the "daughter" has POA, she will need to do all of the paperwork. Don't get sucked in out of guilt. Again harsh, but she chose not to raise you. Be there for her, help when you can but don't bring her into your home. Because you have carried the responsibility of raising a child on ur own, its your time. You know yourself. If I had a choice, Mom would be in an AL facility where I could visit daily. I have always been the one who did for my parents. Two brothers not near to help. Raised my girls and babysat Grands when small. Tired of taking care of people. Want a life where I can do what I want when I want. That means my quiet time.

For those who feel she should "suck it up" remember this woman didn't raise her. This is a whole different dynamic. The mother and daughter bond may not be there. More like an Aunt or friend maybe. I feel the decisions should fall on the daughter she raised. She needs to get involved.

My mother and I have lived together for three years. She is 89, I am 55 and in my first year of graduate school. I am her only child and she can no longer live alone. We didn't grow up together and for a long time, had a contentious relationship. We love each other, we just don't like each other sometimes. At first it was impossible. I resented the idea that I was now going to have to care for someone that hadn't created that kind of foundational base of care when I was young. I realized this attitude was not going to make the situation better. The first year I relied on family and friends to listen when I needed to vent.
I also realized many of the fears I had that made me angry were about death and dying. Were about aging and illness and loss of ability. I was witnessing my future and it terrified me. I also had to live in a space where the conversation of death is frequent and casual, which can be depressing if it doesn't seem to be the immediate reality of your life.
Then I got the opportunity of a lifetime to get my doctorate in another town. This meant moving to a smaller living space and entering into a demanding program. We moved and have been in this place for three months. It is challenging--there are somedays when I think I'm not going to make it. It is those days when I look for my community that knows what I am going through. Reaching out pulls all the doubt, anger, impatience, frustration and exasperation you can easily apply to your parent, away from them. Because it is not their fault they are old, frightened, forgetful, obsessive, hard of hearing, slow to move and stubborn as heck.
They're going to fight, you're going to fight back within reason and not in anger. They're going to push as hard as they hold on. They're going to wake up, oblivious to how angry they made you the night before. They're going to accuse you of lording over them, your youth, your memory, your agility, your life, pushing buttons you didn't think could still be pushed, or that you thought therapy had helped you to remove.
What I do know is that it is a partnership and is one of the most exasperating relationships you will have with another human being. I also suspect that what keeps me going is that all of this, will seem like nothing when I no longer have to do this. All of this is what I will hold on to, once this dance is over.

Perhaps if your Mom was able to move into a Subsidized Senior apartment she would be able to hire some of the chores done, get grocery and RX delivery and you could set up her medications and take care of some of the other details.
Even if the other children live a ways away they could be scheduled for one weekend a month to come and do errands and take her to the hairdresser.
There are some creative ways to reduce expenses and free up some income to pay for support to come to her.
Have you considered moving to a place where she could live in the same building as you but you could have your own private space? That could be either a Condo Complex, Senior Apartment building or even a small duplex or home with a Mother In Law Suite. There are so many issues with living together like, how high the heat is set, how loud the TV is, who like to eat what.
I will be facing this issue with my Mother soon and I already know she keeps the house 86 degrees and the TV on the loudest setting. I could not stand that day in and day out.
We are planning our next house with a Mother In law suite that is at ground level, no stairs and has it's own heat and air conditioning control as well as a sitting room and kitchenette so that we don't have to be all in the same space all the time.
I know every one does not have that luxury but often having two apartments in the same building gives the caregiver time to be in their own space when they need to.
Good Luck.

Having been through being in charge of care first for my Dad and now my Mom with Dad passed.....I really find it sad that so many do not know of all the resources available or how to find and get answers about them. Had my parents not already had their eldercare attorney, I also would not have a clue.
First of all, two resources we are using: VA Aid and Attendance. If your father is no longer alive, and they were married when he died, and he served even one day in an authorized war, Mom is entitled to this, to help her pay for AL etc, or to get help in her home if her doctor deems she needs any kind of help with her activities of daily living....moving, dressing, toileting, eating, cooking, shopping, driving etc all come under this. If she has a medical condition that precludes her from certain self care activities too. My Mom has Alzheimers and is forgetful about meds and cannot drive anymore, so even though able to do all her own ADL stuff, she is qualified. Dad was qualified, as a WWII vet. Then, the next thing is Medicaid, for which everyone is qualified, and in most states there is an option for payment for helpers in the home. Basic qualifiers include $2000/mo in actual cash coming in, after medical costs and certain other allowable expenses....and only assets being a house and a car. So if there are extensive investments still left, Medicaid doesn't pay until those are spent down. There is a 5 yr look back period as to how money was spent to assure there were no gifts given away to others to make a person eligible faster. If there was, there is a matching penalty period, but still, eventually Medicaid will cover costs to some extent. Each state takes the federal guidelines and puts them together differently. Then, there are resources through your local Council on Aging or Senior Assistance. With having a stroke, there may be some assistance you can find through a stroke association or such. And there are day care programs in most cities, for seniors, where they are picked up and have daily activities for approx. 6 hr/day...fed lunch and cared for while socializing with others, and then taken back home. May be some co pays for that in some places. So IF you determine she must live with you and not on her own with some care giver help or day care help etc, even Meals on Wheels....THEN, in the situation you describe, I would recommend not even starting it without an agreement that there was going to be some kind of caregiving helpers coming in so it was not YOU 24/7!! You will be crazy in a month. I have a mother as you describe yours.....perhaps worse. I could never bring her in to live with me...besides I already have a hubby with Parkinson's so I have to plan to be there for HIM first! My recommendation is to pay to consult with an eldercare attorney or a geriatric consultant or social worker who could help you determine what options there are to get supplemental money for care...and if that would allow for helpers in her own home or for AL before looking at bringing her into your own home. IF your home is the only choice, then you need caregiving help somehow. NO ONE can do this type of thing 24/7 until death, even in the best of circumstances, very easily. Just read all the others postings on here. FEW are able to pull it off, and those who ARE, become increasingly stressed and have it affect their own health, well being, and even their future retirement securities due to having quit working etc.to do it.

Understandably, without experience with disabled people, you have fear of the unknown. What is best for you and your mother has to be looked at realistically. Because of your lack of a dependable support system, (siblings) living out of state, going at this alone will be challenging and possibly catastrophic. However, if you believe that bringing your mother into your life as a one on one caregiver,my advice is to seek out a medical professional who is familiar with geriatric patients. He/she can share what the best aids and medically necessary aids are. You need to make sure that your mother's willing to spend her money on her needs. Too often people's lives change because of these kind of circumstances but no one wants to make the necessary changes financially to accommodate the change. For example, your mother may need a shower chair but insurance won't pay for it. Mother must be willing to buy it. There is a plethora of changes coming to you; this is a day-to-day challenge that will take months to master. God bless your mother and your efforts.

I think you are getting some wonderful advice here - take what you want now, and leave the rest behind, but keep it on hand.
I would look into senior centers where your Mom can go during the week days, to give you space, and also to build some friendships - as it's a fact that seniors gain from being around other seniors. that should be a MUST before you agree to take her. I recognize the issues around finances, and agree that you should look into qualifying her for Medicaid, and learning the system of options regarding how to get her into a Medicaid community. That should also be a condition for allowing her to move in. It is absolutely true that seniors who are isolated live a shorter life, but more importantly being around other seniors gives them a sense of belong, a sense of purpose, and a sense of intimacy. You can't give them that. I've seen it time and time again that seniors thrive in communities.
Just get to know the system for long term care in your area. You have to build a Plan B.
Find a helpful support group in your area. Try several of them - caregiver support groups. Build in time for yourself, ie, when your Mom is not with you. Plan a regular date for yourself each week. But you will learn these things in a caregiver support group.
Good luck.
Good luck

Many situations in life make it necessary to accept something other than what we had hoped for. For some it's an unplanned pregnancy, or a sudden illness in a spouse. Because you're looking for help to adjust shows that you're already attempting to accept it.
What I would suggest is #1 develope patience (I mean to the extreme) and #2 plan some specific alone times for yourself, whether daily, weekly, or whatever you need. If she doesn't require a lot of care, then planning the alone time won't be too difficult. It might require some physical changes to your home to give you more privacy there, so you wouldn't have to leave the house to be alone.
I agree that setting boundaries with her now is essential. You said you can't talk with her about how you feel, but can you talk her about exactly what each of you expects of the situation? Use leading questions such as "what do you think a typical day living at my house would be like?" Or "If I spent several hours in my room (or other area) by myself, would that make you feel neglected?" If her answers are alarming, then you may need to think of some option aside from her moving in with you. On the other hand, it may open up some good communication and perhaps this responsiblity won't be as dreadful as you might expect.
Even if you need to write out the pros and cons. If possible, have her do the same (or if there's anyone she trusts, a friend, doctor, or someone else have them go over it with her).
In any case, just don't jump into the situation.
I hope things go well for you!

It's all part of being family. Much depends on your mom's financial situation, and what level of care she needs. If you work, you may need a sitter, which is about $20 an hour. If she can afford that, you don't have a problem. You my have friends/family which could help with this. If you can keep her by herself for 8-10 hours that's one thing (at which case I don't see any reason to put her in assisted living)--but if she needs around the clock supervision your options are limited to either you having to quit your job to watch her OR put her in a nursing home if she can't be trusted by herself. Other factors include what is your employer willing to put up with. It all depends on her level of care, the financial situation, your resources for sitters (or lack of them), and what your employer is willing to put up with. Now if YOU are living off of disability I don't see any reason why you can't care for her full time unless you can't take care of your own basic needs and hers yourself.

In response to Nolagal: Nobody's saying it's a death sentence to take care of a parent (although under extreme circumstances it can be). It's more like a prison sentence, except that you have no idea when you might be released, or paroled, and good behavior will only suck you into harder and harder labor.

You use the phrase "take care of a loved one" as though it's a foregone conclusion that we love the person we're caring for, but in many cases that's questionable, or just not true. In my own case, I've proven beyond a doubt, both in my failed marriage and my caregiving history, that I'm simply incapable of loving in captivity. Being backed into a role and a set of expectations you don't want can turn a relationship sour very fast. And once the relationship is sour, the sense of imprisonment becomes all the more noxious.

Some people can make this work, and more power to them. I once read a story in which an elderly mom was lamenting the burden she was placing on her daughter, telling her daughter "I'm stealing your life!" In response to which the daughter lovingly assured her "No, Mom. This is my life."

I think that's lovely. But it's not my mother, and it's not me. I don't get the impression it's the OP either.

Many people seem to have "assisted living" and nursing home confused. Assisted living means you can still take care of yourself but just can't manage the home by oneself anymore. Nursing home is when a person can't take care of their basic needs by oneself: Needs help bathing, cooking, medications, and is a danger to oneself living alone (e.g., wanders).

You already sound like you're going in to this with a heavy heart and you're going to hate it. You really need to think of a way to keep her out of your home instead of bringing her into it. If she didn't raise you, there really isn't that bond between mom and daughter that usually exists when a child is raised at home with mom. You still have a few options though. You can contact the siblings and ask which one will step up and let her live with one of them and if you get one to do that, help get her to their house and visit often. Or, you can help her file for Medicaid to get into an assisted living facility close by. Once you get her in, you can visit as often as you like without burdening yourself. Do it quickly. Get the POA's signed for the one who will be making the decisions for her if needed. If she can get around with a walker, she is still fragile and can fall easily. You can do your part in making sure she has the right clothes, houseshoes, etc. that won't get in the way and cause her to fall. Both of you will be much happier if she's in a facility instead of your home. Your feelings at this point won't get any better after she moves in and your quiet calm is exchanged for sudden outbursts and orders dictated which usually comes with elderly people. And, until she does get into the assisted living facility, talk with elder care in your town, in the local hospital, find it in the phone book, wherever you can find it and see what the options are. Have a CNA or sitter come in while you're at work and have them stay as long as necessary to make sure mom is bathed, fed and dressed each night so you two can keep the workload light for you. If you're working, you're already what you can to bring in the money to pay for what Medicaid won't. Inform the siblings that while she lives with you waiting on the ALF is making a place for her, the expenses you incur will be divided among ALL the children, and not just you. They don't escape scot-free just because she's living with you temporarily. good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

Being a caregiver is a full-time job that is thankless meaning, you are going to work the hardest than you ever thought or dreamed. Personally, if I did not have a reliable support team, I would not be able to be a caregiver for my loved one. Caregiving is a four -person job. Without that amount of help, you may have to allow mother to live with someone else or AL. I have experience as a CNA and HHA, with support from co-workers. I was exhausted after my shift both physically and mentally on a regular basis,so the thought of going at it alone is very unrealistic.

There is a principle that is very important in making these kinds of decisions. That is, if you as the care-giver wear yourself out either physically, emotionally or spiritually, you will not be able to care for your mom or for yourself. As others have suggested, look carefully at the options! The only one is not that your mom live with you. Explore every avenue. The worst thing in the world for your mom is not that she live in a place where she can be cared for 24/7. In fact, if your mom were living in , what I am going to call 'a nursing facility', you would find that you are rested, she is rested, you would have time to visit with her, take her places etc but not have the 24/7 responsibility. It would be hard for both of you to start with but that hurdle can be overcome. Check out ALL of your options.

Same boat. Resentful too. We're oil and water, not able to communicate, mom says "you know that thing, um, you know, the thing, that, you know, the what-cha-ma-call it thing". About 20 times a day, I'm guessing, is that a real need, conversation, or just whatcha-ma-call it? She can't remember what day it is. She's the kid I never wanted.
She spews negative comments, can't get a button undone, hurts all the time, and it hurts me to watch her slowly dying. I left home, for college, at 17 years old, I'm 57 now. I've survived breast cancer for 3 years now, am on disability for the pain, and chemo brain. I thought it was fate that brought us together, her needing me at a time I was forced out of work.
It's been 2 years of complete togetherness. I've nursed her through stroke, ileus, severe arthritis. Fixed her cars after her wrecks (no longer drives), fixed her condo after water damage, sold her condo, moved her in, moved her stuff into storage, set up her legal, doctors appointments, her injections, her meds, and am trying to get senior activities started at the county park hoping that someone there will drive her and take her away for a few hours....please!
My husband and I have little couple's time, our friends are few, and vacations even fewer. When mom was hospitalized the week before our prepaid vacation we had to beg, fly my brother in, pay his salary for a week to get him to stay with her at the hospital. Turns out she came home the same day we did.
I have gotten in-home caregivers help, in order to take a weekend off ($300-$500), or to take her to the nail salon, (4 hour min.- $60) advance notice required. Have to train each person that comes to "help", things don't get done anyway.
Folks tell me that I will forget all the bad parts when she's gone. I had to see a psychotherapist now. I don't have children, I'd never do this to them. Please buy long term care insurance before it's too late!

Many of us are finding ourselves in these situations. I am an only child so have no back up. When my father was alive, I was going to my parents house a few times a week and cleaned their home and did some yard work. Hard keeping up two homes. My father passed and my mother insisted on staying in her own home. I began having health issues and finally convinced her to let me get a housekeeper twice a month. She does not drive so we had to do her shopping, banking, etc. She does not have long term care insurance either and is very tight with her money. Well, I call to check on her one morning and she had fallen. I again rush over there and it was obvious she had broken her wrist. She lived with us for 5 months then insisted on going back home. I then had to go there daily and akso had to start showering her. A few months later, she got ill but refused to let me take her to the doctor and she got pneumonia, had to call an ambulance. She was in Rehab fir almost two weeks so I was there daily. Home care is too expensive. We decided to move her in with us. I then, pretty much by myself, had to sell her home and pack it up! Did I mention I am not well myself? She is now 93+, has CHF, COPD, Arthritis, etc. I did register with an agency to at least come in and shower her for me. If I have a doctor appt. out of town, need someone to be here which is expensive. My husband and I are now in our mid-60's and, even if I feel up to it, are pretty much stuck here. We wanted to go see our daughter's new home and try to take 4 dats away. To use the agency for 4 days, it would have been around $1,400! I found a woman through a neighbor that is a caregiver who stayed with her and charged $150 a day. She is very good and comes highly recommended but has other clients and is not available all the time. It is not easy trying to find someone you can trust but I suggest you ask around fir referrals. You can contact the County to see what might be available for her and you. Because of my mother's assets, which we are trying to protect as long as we can, she does not qualify for much. Yes, you should contact an Elder Care attorney and do set up a POA. Hope you have discussed this with your siblings and they are on board.
Wishing you luck and know there are many of us out here in the same boat.

Maybe this is why she wants to be with you. You are gentle and kind, and she knows you love her. Maybe the other siblings not so much. I am sorry for your situation, maybe medicaid can help. Check into it.

Dear Digit,
Please don't sacrifice yourself for the sake of your mother. If she was truly thinking clearly, she would not ask you to do this. Don't underestimate how brutal this will be on your mental health. You are already getting intuition that it isn't right for you, please heed your internal cues. I didn't for so long, and it brought me to many breaking points, before I insisted what I needed to do. Once she moves in it will be much harder to change the living situation, so please avoid that unless it is something you truly *want* to do.

If you are not wanting your Mother to come to live with you then you have other options. If she has not assets then she should qualify for Medicaid. You can also hire someone to come in a care for her so that she doesn't have to leave her home. It would not surprise me if she doesn't really want to move in with you either. People normally don't want to leave their home. A Senior agency might also be of help is offering other options. I have cared for a friend. I found several avenues of places for her to live that were based on her income, when she could care for herself for the most part and then found a wonderful nursing home for her that she loved. I do know that all nursing homes are not great places. She landed in one of those fight from the hospital a couple of times. I currently care for my husband that has Dementia and is legally blind. Sure....I would love to be able to get out and do what I want to many days, but I made the committment nearly 30 years ago when we got married for better or worse. Sometimes I feel we just need to step up to the plate and do the right thing. Certainly it is tiring, certainly I am falling behind on everything and some days just need someone to talk to. I am happy that I can give of myself however as I feel the Lord would do for me. So....my thought is that you need to contact your local Senior agency and take good notes. You may need an attorney also, but that may not be necessary, if she has nothing of value. Good luck and do post your decision and if you find other options that work in your situation. You just might be helping another person in your shoes.

You need to keep searching until you find another solution. Check with Center for Aging. Social Security. Get a social worker. Be prepared to stay on the phone many days in a row, but if you find some help to take this burden off of you , it will be well worth it. There may be other areas she qualifies for through a previous spouse. Veterans benefits. Keep digging. My mom has lived with me going on 4 years. 78/needs minimal oversight. But she still has appointments. Labs. Follow up's. You will be alone doing this. If you have resentment now, wait til you have to miss work or cancel your plans. For the umpteenth time. Don't feel guilty, keep searching. Once she moves in, it's all you. Good luck.

Gotta add one more thing. Even if other family says that theybwill help younout, or stay there if you need a break/vacation, Don't count on that! I was assured by my brother, who lives out of state, he would need to come occasionally. 4 years in, only 1 visit. I was here. And no monetary support or even a well-done, sis. And guess what, he is moving away in 2 years. To Hawaii. I live him dearly, we are close. But once you assume total responsibility for her, trust me on this, you will never get any family help. Please keep searching.

Although my dad, 83, is still living independently, I know that it is a good possibility that I may be face with the same challenge. You said something in your question that stands out to be, "she refuses to be anywhere", but with you. There is a level of trust & comfortably she's handing to you. You also acknowledge that she did not hope for this either. I know all will work out for you & mom and I am confident that any feeling of anxiety of the unknown will soon pass. I have found through my personal experience having taking care terminally ill siblings who have passed that the very last thing they want is to burden someone. I also am very aware I too will face assistance as I age & I hope my children won't find me a burden. All I would want is to be around someone who I trust with my life when I can no longer be able to do this independently. It is not your "obligation" to take care of your mom, it will be a choice. If you strongly feel this arrangement is not right for you, you should feel no guilt. This is about the quality of one's life. * Your mental state when caring for someone else is extremely important. The environment you create will effect all those within it. Good luck and just a side note, you can still maintain a "personal" life whether you carry the title mom, wife, and even Caregiver!

In response to CarlaCB. You state you are "incapable of loving in captivity". Sorry but that really just sounds like an excuse to justify running away from responsibility. I know people who do that a lot. If she doesn't have an attachment to her mother then she would not feel like she needs to be there for her. If she can walk away without guilt and find a better solution then I say go for it. You are right some people tend to be more self centered then others and those people probably don't make good caregivers because they are always worried about what they are missing out on and resenting it. As i said before yes, it is sometimes hard and yes there are moments of resentment and frustration but you look at the big picture and do what you think is right for your own peace of mind. If her mother is still capable of caring for herself most of the time then she can certainly get away whenever she needs to be alone and she can still live her life. When the time comes that her mother cannot be left alone then she needs to reevaluate. That has to be her call.

I'll say one thing here: If my mother had to move in with me, I'd swallow a bottle of pills and end my life, period. I'd rather be dead than forced to live with her again. Fuggedabout 'doing the right thing' and all that guilt tripping nonsense we've had forced down our throats since childhood. Some people CANNOT behave themselves properly and should NEVER be invited to live in your home. You can't make blanket statements about 'right' and 'wrong' and what children 'should' or 'should not' do. Do what's right for YOU, and know that you ARE entitled to happiness and a life of your own.

The End.

I agree with so many comments above that tell you not to do this. One person made the remark that by not being honest with her in order to maintain the peace basically, is a 'good' relationship based on dishonesty. I thought that was an excellent point. Find your mom another place to live besides with you. Every fiber in your being seems to be saying don't do this. Listen to your gut. Whether you mom is upset or not, you can be a better caretaker for her if you don't subject yourself to this situation. Just my two cents. Agree as well that with a spouse, you take vows. You expect to take care of each other. Very different situation. That also puts things into perspective. Wish you both well and hoping you will find resolution that will leave your mother safe and you sane!

My mother thinks I should drop my entire life and move in with her. But she doesn't even know when her own mother died! I asked for dates for my grandparents as I might do some genealogy and she claims she doesn't know birth dates or death dates for either parent. She did grow up with them.

What she claims she expects of me she never did herself. I resent these constant double standards and besides, she has no idea of the difficulties involved in caregiving because she never did it herself! I have also noticed that when her friends get sick, she is gone. She doesn't have a scrap of guilt about any of this. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I did become her live in caregiver, she would think I was a weakling and use that to justify bad treatment. I notice she is constantly dredging up my choices from the remote past and using them to justify obnoxious treatment of me now. I didn't want to be a teacher forty years ago, she now claims she wanted me to be a teacher, and this is why I now have financial problems. My dad was the one who had some interest in me becoming a teacher because his mother was one. I can't remember my mother saying a word about it.

Does your mother want to live in her home? If so, then you might consider applying for Medicaid Long Term Care. If she has $2000 or less (house and car not included) she can qualify. She could stay in her home and get a home health care provider to visit her (paid by Medicaid). She could also get Meals on Wheels (delivers food once a day for free). Medicaid has other benefits, too...day care, where she could go to watch movies, play games, socialize, etc., and other benefits based on her needs.