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I'm checking my mom into a memory care facility Thursday. I'm so scared that it'll do more harm than good. What do I tell her upon arrival? She calls me Mama, been living with me for 19 months. She's 81 with dementia. She has always been an introvert, never went anywhere alone.

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So, 3 weeks into moms care I removed her for neglect! So disappointed! Now she's back with me and my life is not my own again.
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Reply to Angelmommy57
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Angel mommy,
You got through the worst part-hurray!
It was the hardest but best thing I ever did. She had been living in a non-assisted senior apartment building and getting worse by the day. When someone told me they saw her sitting in the dining room at 3am waiting for breakfast, I knew I had to place her. I had been worried about her "wandering", so the first night she was in the Memory Care facility, I slept like a rock.

You now have your life back and can recover from caregiving. You can revert to being the daughter again.

I know it's hard but it's for the best. My mom's facility said to not visit for 2 weeks so she could get settled. When I went, she attacked me for putting her there! Hopefully your mom isn't the fighting type.
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Reply to SueC1957
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Thank you. So far mom is doing pretty good. We could only afford a shared room so it's challenge as she isn't used to sharing. She did try to wack a staff member with her roommates cane and wouldn't let her roommate come back in the room (it's her house. .lol). The staff got it handled quickly and all is well.
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Reply to Angelmommy57
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Angel, tell,your mom what ever she wants to hear. She’s in rehab to get stronger, she’s on vacation in a nice hotel. Don’t try to explain reality to her. Her reality doesn’t match yours.

My dad is in memory care. Sometimes he thinks he’s in a hospital, motel or Kroger’s. Mom died in April but there’s a lady there he thinks is mom,so that’s fine. They sit and hold hands sometimes.

It will be an adjustment but it will be for the best.
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Reply to Windyridge
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Thank you gladimhere .. I am really struggling, but your words are very encouraging.
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Reply to Angelmommy57
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The decision to place mom in a facility is one of the most difficult to make in our lives. It is quite emotional and is relying on people we do not know to care for them. It has nothing to do with panties and those statements are extremely uncalled for and do not represent the type of caring people you will find on this site. I find these statements offensive and rude and not at all appropriate as I am sure others do. Knock it off Ahmi.

When my mom was placed it was difficult for all of us. Two sibs, mom's hubby, her sister. Non of us felt exactly the same about it because of the differences in our relationships with her. I had provided care for mom four years prior to memory care. There were disagreements between us as to what was best for mom, but there was support, everyone was sad.

I decided to stay away after the move because it was very emotional for me. Mom was so terribly confused. Angel, you have to trust your decision that you have found the best place for mom. Try to relax knowing that the staff at the facility have seen it all and will know how to best deal with changes that will come in mom.

They may ask you to not visit for awhile to allow mom the opportunity to get to trust her new caregivers. Remember they are specially trained so you need to trust them. It Will awhile for them to get to know your mom and to know how best to deal with issues that will arise.

Welcome Angel. Never be afraid to come here to ask questions or vent, anything you need at all.
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Reply to gladimhere
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My mom went into MC at the age of 93. Honestly, she had no idea where she was. She thought she was in an apartment in Chicago and that she was a famous stage-actress in New York City.

I know it’s difficult, but when you drop Mom off, you’ll need to wear your big girl pants. Save the tears and hand-wringing for when you get home; NOT in front of Mom. Keep it upbeat. Don’t go into any long, emotional explanations of where she is and why. She won’t understand. If she sees you are upset, she will be too.
Don’t be a helicopter daughter. Visit her, but wait a few days before the first time after drop-off. I kept in touch with my mom’s nurse and even her aide if the aide was available, over the phone. When you visit, have lunch with her or bring her favorite lunch. My mom’s was McDonalds and I brought it once a week for her.

Good luck and keep us updated on how she, and you, are doing.
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Reply to Ahmijoy
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