What do I do about the melt down everytime I try to get outside help? - AgingCare.com

What do I do about the melt down everytime I try to get outside help?

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The psych Dr. wrote up a rx for HHA from medicare. I made a few calls to, at home nursing facilities, and they are saying that medicare will not cover bathing MIL because it's not medically needed. I'm not sure if I'm talking to them properly to get MIL what she needs. The bottom line is she needs help at home. My health is quickly going to hell in a handbasket, and no one else seems to think she needs help (she is an exceptional showtimer) I tried every coy way to get someone in to help, including but not limited to paying the home health aide to go to family parties to introduce her as a family friend (not once but 3 times) Mil still won't let her in the house. Yesterday, I mentioned to MIL that the Dr. wants her to bath at least 2 times a week, and that's why I need help (once a week has been her life long bathing schedule but now that she is over weight she needs more) She had a melt down... her blood sugar reading was 279 (with out additional food) so the stress knocked the number out of wack. I am in the process of calming her down...walking her and givng her water. This has been the most significant change in her health in 3 years. I'm in need of advise because I know it's only going to get worse...but I need help. I don't know what to do. It's easier to just let thing be but I need help. It's a vicous circle.

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Things are not that bad, yet. Tomorrow is bath day let's see what happens.
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Oh, yes. The wiping down with a diaper wipe or a wet rag, is supposed to be good enough. How about the not changing out of her nightgown, for 2 weeks. And then, we had the just hang the towels, that she had wet on, out on the railing!

Long story short, the bath lady called 911 and from the hospital to rehab to AL to NH, in a few weeks and she is clean and healthy as can be. Why? Because everyone else is and the aides don't take no for an answer.

I never would have believed it.

My sister and I stayed out of the placing her in the NH, and let a grandson handle it. Can you try to get her the help that she needs?
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You do it anyway. My daughter didn't want to be bathed. I let the aide in and I left her alone with the aide. She didn't want a hospital bed, and stamped her little feet on the floor while I rolled her to the bedroom. You don't offer options. You become Nurse Ratchet. Tantrums be dammed.
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I had a "temporary suicide" and slept 14 hours. I think I really needed to sleep cause I'm feeling a little better. MIL blood sugar is still spiking but I have the doctors figuring it out. It ends up it's not the end of the world. Not being so accessible might be the answer. Thanks for all your input .
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Where is your husband??????????

Get the help or refuse to participate in MIL's care anymore. You can do this. It's allowed. This old lady thinks that all she has to do is refuse and she gets her way. You're taking care of her and if you deem it necessary that she need more assistance then you are obligated to get more assistance.

And your husband should be helping you with this. He should be in charge of managing this situation. This is his mother. If he sees you suffering at the hands of this old bat he needs to step in and not leave it to you to figure out all on your own.

If you want to leave, leave. You can stay in a motel overnight or with a friend. You need a break and no one is going to care if you get one or not so you're going to have to get what you need on your own. Inform hubby that you are leaving for 24 hours and he can stay and take care of his mother.
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You need a shrink, a therapist. One who will teach you how to set boundaries, and enforce them. Stop worring about your MIL's feelings and think about your own. If you don't take care of MIL who will ? No one, your all she's got. That is real power.
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Love, if your MIL's sons can in unison harden their hearts, why can't you? Take this as your consolation: that if MIL keeps up her nolle prosequi, and they continue with their blithe indifference to her welfare, the issue will very soon be forced without further effort from you.

Seriously, DON'T keep banging your head against the wall. Fold your arms, sit back and wait - it won't be for long, and God willing it won't be anything she can't recover from.

You say this is a significant change after 3 reasonably stable years? What does her doctor make of it?

And the next time she turns up a blood sugar reading like that, DON'T nurse her back to health. Call her doctor, or take her to the ER, and let her health care team deal with it. Her health care team, by the way, should not mean "you."

As long as you're carrying this, everyone else will be content to let you. So you have to stop, for her sake as well as your own, or she won't get the level of support she needs. Come on, work on those boundaries. Best of luck.
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This is so difficult. I have no support (except for you guys). No one in the family will take part in a family meeting. Last time, it was like an upper middle class Jerry Springer show. There is so much hate between the brothers. MIL is so good at show timing that I get confused. All I know is that I can't continue at this pace. The Dr. is insisting on me getting help. Yesterday I had to spend my only day "off", actually the only day I have to clean my house, nursing MIL back to "health" with a blood sugar level of 274 I wasn't sure if I should have done more, but last night the number was 137 what I did worked. I am despondent. I tried to make my stand and get her help and ended up doing double time. I wish I could just walk away. Did any of you try to get help and had it go bad? I think that's the part that worries me the most. I you had to do it again what would you have done different.
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My Dad Parkinson's has worsened, and he starting early dementia. I hired my sister to get two days a week off. She quit after 2 weeks. I have hired a wonderful women who does the laundry and takes care of me and Dad. Dad was giving me the same guff. he is worried about money, when he is rich. After a week of him moaning I set a boundary. I told him if he fires the caregiver, I will have to leave and he can make other arrangements. I heard all the guilt, the pie in the sky, thinking one of my siblings would step in to help him. I stood firm for my health and sanity. I say what I mean, and mean what I say, so he knew I meant it. Good luck. Be clear and unemotional. It is wonderful having someone who cares for me also. Th two days of the week is pure freedom. I am so much healthier mentally and emotional. Do it for you.
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It is difficult when the situation reaches this level! As hard as it is, you have to be the adult and just get the help you need. MIL will adjust, it may take time, but once she knows you aren't going to play her games things will settle down.

Family meeting is in order and MIL has to understand everyone is on the same page and want the best care for her. Sometimes you just have to not give them any options. It is what it is and we move forward. It really is not a matter of what she "will let you do" but rather what you need for your own health and wellbeing! That could be finding other living arrangements for MIL.
Best of luck!
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