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My mother has been in a rehab facility for 2 weeks and she is insisting that she go home. She has been homebound for about 4 years with myself and her sweet neighbor doing all her errands, shopping, taking her to DR Appts and house cleaning. She landed in the rehab center after not eating, drinking or taking her meds for almost a week. She got very ill and dehydrated. She went to see her primary care doctor and he sent her straight to the hospital to be treated for the dehydration. But he told her before she left his office that she was in such bad health that he thought she needed to go to a nursing home to live. After 2 days in the hospital she showed her butt really bad. She ripped out her IV in front of a very young nurse who was terrified at her behavior! My mother is very mean and will do whatever it takes to get her way. She will show her butt and throw a tantrum as she did that day. When my mother told me that story about terrifying the young nurse and how blood was squirting all over the floor, she was laughing and she had the greatest look of joy on her face...She is a terrorist and gets off on causing others pain. The nurse called me shortly after it happened and I could still hear the tremble in her voice. She said the doctor was releasing her, which was unbelievable to me because she was in such bad shape. They wanted her out of there because she was being so violent. I said to the nurse that I couldn't believe that the doctor would release her in such bad shape, to go home alone. That is when the nurse told me that mother had lied and said that she didn't live alone, that she lived with her neighbor. She had called the neighbor to come pick her up but the neighbor refused. She told me that she was washing her hands of my mother, that she couldn't handle her anymore. My mother is a sociopath and has been very abusive to everyone in her life. Especially me because I have been the only one stupid enough to keep coming back around her. A friend told me once that I have "Beaten dog syndrome". He said no matter how much she beats you down, you are still right there for her whenever she needs you. Which is BTW the ONLY time my mother calls me...when she needs something or when something is wrong...She never asks how I am or how her granddaughter is because she could care less. But I have always came running to rescue her, not because she deserves it because she had been terrible to me, but because there is something deep inside of me that feels the need to take care of her.,,the need for her approval. I just always try to be hopeful that if I do enough for her or pay her bills or buy her whatever it is that she needs that maybe she will change, that maybe she will love me one day. All to no avail unfortunately. She looks a me and speaks to me as if she hate me...She does hate me and that is very hard to deal with. She told me once that she wished she had gotten an abortion. That's pretty damaging to hear let me tell you. She has no one left but me and there is no way that I can take her out of that rehab center and care for her on a daily basis. She is too damaging to my soul. I simply can not take the emotional, verbal and mental abuse that she dishes out to me when I am anywhere near her. Not to mention that I live an hour away from her with a family and child of my own to take care of. My husband travels a lot for his company and that leaves all of the child care and the care of our home up to me.
I was told that Medicare would not pay for home care and I just don't know what to do at this point. Any advise would be greatly appreciated,

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Thank you all for the brave inputs!! I share the same "quality relationship" with my mother but she's only half of the issue. Dad's (86 y/o) in l/t care with non-quaking parkinson's & dementia, fully incontinent, 6'3" 240lbs, wheelchair 24/7 (she's 5'3" 85 y/o), she tried for nearly one full year to take care of him on her own, wore herself down and Dad ended up in the hospital in June then rehab now l/t nursing home. I'm POA on paper, she has the say in everything. She is and has been depressed, chronic worrier and will not listen to anyone then when things gets super bad she'll look at you with those pathetic browns eyes then I find the answers, she refuses to do anything then lashes out at me for "helping"! I'd scream but I live in a condo. Anyway, it has reached a crisis point -again- Dad had a rare lucid moment so now Mom wants to bring him home (he's been in the nursing home 114 days, it's private pay, at Mom's demand @$9,400 a month). She doesn't want extra people, let alone me, in the house but a few nurses and therapists have told us that Dad needs 24 hour care with two skilled people to care for him. Mom just shuts down, asks me many questions. I research answers but it's not good enough or she "needs to think about it". IT TAKES MONTHS EVEN A YEAR for her to acknowledge things by then the crisis is over and we all know, we have to start all over again. Health care doesn't wait. Anyway, thank you all and thanks for listening. I wish all of you the best, this is soo hard. My situation is dealing with two lonely, depressed people who can't take care of themselves alone, won't accept help and are begging for help. What a conundrum!
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I really don't know how much I need. My husband is having surgery and he is my muscle to help care for our daughter. She has end stage multiple sclerosis,and it takes both of us to care for her.most of the time she sits in a recliner and listens to her books or TV,but in the morning she gets a shower or I wash her up while on the toilet. I really don't know what kind or how much help to look for.Any ideas?
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My mother didn't always treat us awful, but once in awhile was enough. I begged my sister who was disabled with arthritis, not to answer the phone 20 times a day and not to go to Mother's at least twice a day. Well, Mother outlived her. You need to think about your own health, too.

I never dreamed that my mother would like a NH, but she does and she is great, health wise. She has been there 18 months and is 95.

I feel bad for the young nurse that your mom unloaded on. Can you imagine how she felt?
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Any home care needed post-rehab is written by the Dr. but it's not permanent. Only the bath aide will continue to come if you want her to twice a week and that is covered by Medicare. But the other services: OT, PT, RN will be temporary and they're not there all day to care for your mom. They're usually there for an hour at a time until the next appointment. If you need long term care for your mom on a daily basis your best bet is a nursing home.
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Thank you...I will try my best!!
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You will know you're going down the right path when you tell the nursing home to do her laundry. ;) ;)

Stay strong, my friend. And keep us posted.
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A friend told me the other day that she thought I was a great mom. And I told her that I have always tried to be, to my child, the mother that I never had.
I can't imagine being any other way with her. She has my heart forever!!
I never really knew how screwed up my relationship was with my mother until I got pregnant. I fell in love with my baby girl before I ever even laid eyes on her. I knew that my mother could not have possibly ever felt that way about me or she would not have done all the terrible things that she has done to me.

Thanks so much for your kind words. My brain has always told me to run far away but I guess it's my heart (or just sheer stupidity) that keeps pulling me back. My mother and I have been estranged for months. She said and done some things to my child that I just will not tolerate. It is one thing for her to abuse me but it is an entirely different matter with my child. I had no one to protect me from her but I will be damned if I won't protect my child from her nonsense.

The first time I saw mom in months was when they took her to the nursing home. I felt bad that she was there all alone and that she didn't have any of her things with her. So I went to her house with my best friend, I packed her things and I went to see her. I had hopes that she would be different this time.
My husband was very upset with me for going. He has watched this go on for 18 years now and he is so tired of seeing me hurt by her constantly. He said to me before I left to go see her that day that "the hope is gone now honey." He said she is never going to be kind to you. She is never going to be what you want her to be...which is just A MOTHER...I knew he was right and that I probably shouldn't do it but as usual I went anyway...I hoped and prayed...and she was nice that day, but only because she had a roommate at that point. That was on Sunday, by Tuesday she had cussed the roommate out, had packed her things and told them she was leaving. They called me because she was losing her mind and being evil. Long story short...they moved her to a private room upon my request and as far as I can tell they are keeping her sedated just to be able to deal with her.

She insisted that I do her laundry because she didn't want them to lose her things.....So as always I just agree to whatever she wants. I have been up there 8 times in 2 weeks and it is really wearing me down....I will try to take your advise and just stay away for awhile. I can always have someone bring her laundry to me at the front desk and just drop it off there I guess.

Thank you and I'm sorry for the long post...It was good for my soul to vent..thanks for listening :)
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Do NOT pick her up. Do NOT order home care, that is unthinkable. The rehab will court order her for psychiatric evaluation and that is the best possible help she can get. You STAY AWAY and let the system work. No guilt trips.
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Well, first the practical side of things. If the doctor prescribes "home health care," she'll be eligible for a visiting nurse (2X a week, usually), a physical therapist, an occupational therapist and a personal aid (to give her baths/showers/sponge baths). Medicare pays for that. It sounds as though her doctor will have no trouble prescribing that for her, so I'd say that part's golden.

Now to you. God bless you. You are one of the most insightful posters I've read on this site in the short time I've been here. You know what's going on. You understand the reasons you do what you do. Having a loving mom myself, I so feel for you. We want our mom's love. All of our lives. Perhaps having this hole in your heart because of your very troubled mom has helped you be the mom to your child you've wanted all your life. I so sincerely hope so.

Having said that, if I were you? I would not pick her up from the nursing home. I would, for the present, cut my ties with her and let her manage herself. They won't send her home alone if they don't think she can manage. She will become THEIR problem instead of yours. (Notice I said "for the present". Not to say you won't pick up at some later time in some other way.) But THIS mess? I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole.

I hope you are strong enough to do what your brain tells you is the right thing. Put your heart on hold temporarily; don't rescue her; take a break. And let it allll go.
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