Medicaid process and bowel incontinence. Very overwhelmed... and beyond frustrated.

Just want to hug you all, especially Caregiver who has to wear a helmet and pads to bathe mom, makes me sad to hear that anyone lives that on a daily basis. Doc was a general practitioner decades ago, and most recently worked as an occupational physician for GM and Ford. He wasn’t in a hospital setting, rather he was the guy the line workers would go to for restrictions and the like for on the job injuries and conditions. He used to have a few dr friends but they’ve drifted or passed away with time since he has refused invites so many times beginning years ago. I wish we could call a carpet cleaning company, but they don’t clean walls and counter tops, and I’m not going to live with poop smeared in the carpet for days til they get here. I’m a neat freak so I’d go nuts waiting even 5 minutes, and certainly cannot afford to call a carpet cleaning co multiple times a week. As far as help goes, we have no extra money to hire help since we are working half time, and are still figuring out what help might be out there. Recently, my mom had a bad fall and broke her back. She had several people come to help, and each one just sat there like a lazy bum staring at the phone and it was a complete waste and disappointment, so me and my sisters help her instead. I call “workers” like that “clock watchers.” I’m not too keen on leaving the likes of those I’ve encountered alone in my house with so much confidential info of clients. No wonder there’s such a high turnover - none I’ve met yet take this job very seriously. I can’t take that risk. No one will care for your home or loved ones the way you do, and the best thing will be to move him into a home where they have full responsibility. Last night, I told him after cleaning a huge puddle of urine in his bathroom, that I don’t want him wearing his house slippers because he cannot feel if the floor is wet and is tracking it all over the house. He denied the urine was his (it’s his own bathroom), and shook his head in disbelief that he is doing that. I gently told him it is a part of life that we have to deal with, he’s at a stage in life when he needs extra help, and that I love him and that’s all he needs to remember. Soon we will have the conversation about going through the transition to a home. Even though he may not understand or remember, we will, and I think for our own conscience, it’s important to not spring such a drastic change on him without a word. I have not spoken to any elder law attorney at this point - what kind of info could they offer on our situation? I don’t think Doc is a vet, and there sure is no private insurance. Curious to know what a bathroom schedule is and how to enforce it? Sometimes, like right now on this quiet Saturday morning when all is peaceful, I wonder if it’s really that bad and if I’m doing the right thing to plan his exit. My heart is so twisted in knots - overcome by the uncertainty and guilt. Thank you all for accompanying me on this rocky road. You all are angels.

First thing, if you know you be going somewhere for more than one hour, get a home health Aide ...2nd thing, your husband should not have to leave his job to come home to clean shit from carpet...get a carpet cleaning service....
Medicaid process is all about being intrusive...that’s what they are there for...was your father a Vet? He can get a lot of services if he was...You can get help w Medicaid application from Social a Worker or Dept of Aging.
I also suggest putting Dad on bathroom schedule & have Aide change his diapers ...good luck & hugs 🤗

Interesting he was an MD. He does not have any medical friends or even the Hospital he practiced at if applicable, that would help him?

Caring, have you thought about consulting with an experienced Elder Care attorney?

Caring,

Glad you sound better this morning.

You mention you have claimed Doc as a dependent for the last couple years. I don’t know how or if this will change the Medicaid process at all. Let’s hope not.

Someone may come along that has experience with having claimed a parent as a dependent then applied for Medicaid.

Just brought Mom home from the nursing home with Hospice support. Even with this I get only minimal help and have to hire aides to assist me in running my own full-time nursing home. I have one on the way right now to help me get Mom up bathed, dressed, etc. and then let me run to gather many supplies necessary for her care. It is a thankless job and the courts and the n homes thing caregivers deserve nothing yet if we put a parent in a facility we pay 8 to 10k per month and hopefully that person has excellent insurance. Medicare pays very little. If you do not have a 2nd insurance to Medicare they will bill private pay until you get to a certain amount which is not much of your parents assets. I truly believe that home caregivers should be paid for what they are worth. A parent with the correct amount of support and a aides and nurses is much happier in a home with children. They aren't waiting hours for an aide to get to them because that aide is covering 10 people and it is almost impossible for that aide to do this. Yet the aides get paid very little in most n homes, they do the most difficult clean ups and the nurses also do not get paid enough in my opinion. There needs to be laws changed in n homes, through the medicaid system and through the courts to stop seeing caregivers and there to take the parents money and are owed nothing for what they do while they have to stop their lives and not every sleep well again. I am challenging this exact fact as my Mom is now home with me in her home, my sister is taking me to court for guardianship even though my Mom has all set up as she wants as far as her estate. PODs and TODs. Yet my sister wants to reverse all this and put it in a guardianship knowing my Mom cannot speak against this as she has been declared incompetent. I will go to court and see what the judge decides but I am almost ready to hand it all to my sister and say "get in here and change Moms pads (diapers) make sure her oxygen and pulse rate is correct many times during the day, make sure she gets fed enough, is moved enough, is socializing enough, and is happy. Do this for a week then tell me if you want to take Mom and all that goes with this job. I commend you for keeping your Father with you and the advice I give as the biggest thing is hire good help. That relieves you for hours and you can go do other things and give your mind a break. If this is not possible and there is really good insurance that will pay for the nursing home; then check out many and find the best fit then visit your Father there as often as you are able. Once he settles in he should be okay in a good facility.

Thank you for the caring responses, you guys remember my situation well. Doc was a practicing MD until recently, and yes things have rapidly devolved. Our two teenagers are angels about it, and understand Dzia Dzia (grandpa is Polish) needs help like a toddler, doing all they can do to contribute. But it all takes time, energy and money - that you can’t get back. I was shocked when we took him for an evaluation for dementia that the dr just asked several questions, conversation like with Doc, then talked to my husband and I for a bit and boom, he has some form of dementia. We were told to pick a Friday, any Friday, and call him when we are ready so we can take him to the ER. That he’d stay there likely for 3 days (max 21) and then he can move to a nursing home. We were told to go find a few we like, and I did go to one that I believe is a perfect home for him. We can wait for a bit to move on this, I was thinking after New Year, so we can all start fresh and get past this stressful but joyous upcoming season. I expressed this to the director, but we both agreed that anything can happen between now and then that may hasten the move. I will print out all his bank records for Medicaid and see how that goes. We’ve claimed him as a dependant for the last two years so I’m wondering if that makes us financially liable? Thanks to you all again for talking me back to sanity. This site helps more than words can say.

Caring,

I just want to repeat what the others have said. Medicaid is interested in all things Doc. Financials, bank statements, investment information, properties, etc. This does not mean yours and your husbands or anyone else in the households financial information.

Be prepared, just because you submit something for Doc you may be asked to resubmit or submit for a third time. Things fall into a black hole, get lost. Keep copies of everything.

You really do sound exhausted. If you have started the Medicaid process there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

You need a vacation and a stiff drink!
Im so sorry to hear of all your "poopy" troubles. This situation has gotten out of hand and should not be tolerated any longer.

Medicaid should not be asking for any of YOUR cpersonal financial information. Of course, they have a right to know about his, since he's applying for government aid (Medicaid).
Do NOT agree to release your info or pay them anything on his behalf.

You need to get your father placed in a facility ASAP. Can you afford a couple of months care while you wait for Medicaid to go through? If not, (and I hate to say this) but take him to the ER for some complaint (maybe diarrhea) and then refuse to take him home. Explain you take care of your small grandchildren and they have come in contact with your fathers feces. That should start an immediate emergency placement while Medicaid is "pending".

I had to place my mom (stage 6 Alz) when she started being incontinent of stool. My hubby (her part time caregiver) drew the line at poop. 💩

Good luck. I know you are ready to tear your hair out. 😩

This sounds horrible. If FIL lives in your house, why does Medicaid need to see all of your financial info?

Too bad FIL (a former MD?) was financially irresponsible, but that doesn't mean YOU have to pay the price for it (which you are doing right now, correct, including a particularly high emotional price). I think you also mentioned in an earlier post that your own child(ren) haven't gotten the attention that they should have?

Things have gotten considerably worse than your posts of 5 months ago, yes? What was the result of all the testing that you wrote was going to be done?

You do NOT have to be stuck in this endless "chitpalooza" (word coined in another thread)!