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I live with my 74-year-old father in the family home. The house is in disrepair. Ceiling tiles are falling in living room. There are huge holes and rips in the linoleum in the kitchen and first bathroom.


The floor in front of the toilet in the first bathroom is sinking, and I'm afraid it will eventually break through. The sink and the bathtub haven't been used since my mom died in 2017; my dad claims they leak and it took him forever to find the sweet spots. I am not allowed to touch them or move the hose in tub.


We have an unknown plumbing issue. Every so often, the pipe in the basement will "gurgle up," leaving toilet paper, feces, and urine all over the basement floor that then needs to be swept out and sanitized. This happens approximately every two months. My father's solution is to pour bleach down the basement drain.


The gutters haven't been cleaned in 5+ years. When it rains, water pools on the back patio and drains down a hole in the side of the house, into the basement.


All kitchen and household appliances are approximately 20 years old. The washer finally broke two days ago, and the dryer is on it's last legs.


I have tried, several times, tactfully to raise the subject of getting these things assessed and repaired, and have offered to go half on the expenses. Each time, I am met with excuses. "I can't afford it. The foundation might be cracked. They'll have to dig up the driveway. I'm too old. I don't have the stamina to deal with that."


When the washer broke, I was met with hostility and personal attacks that were out of place and confusing to me. "What did you do to the washer? You can't afford to own a home! I can't afford this! This house is nothing but a money-sink! It'll cost $20,000 just in repairs!"


I then suggested selling up now, while he's still alive, and move into a smaller home that is much easier to maintain. I was given more excuses. "I'm too old. I don't have the mental or physical stamina to do that."


I agree with my father that making these repairs will be expensive. However, whilst the home remains in this state of disrepair, he keeps giving away large sums to churches and charities. $1200 to a neighbor's church last month for Christmas. $800 every three months to Second Harvest. $300 every month to another neighbor's church. He is two months' behind on his phone bill, and he owes me $185.97, which he borrowed to buy xmas presents for my siblings. I did not get a xmas present.


I have suggested donating to charity after the house is repaired. I have suggested making a single repair one month, then a charity donation the next month, then a repair the third month, and so on. I have suggested that he would be in a better position to help others if he wasn't suddenly caught by a broken bathroom floor, for example, but instead dealt with it head-on. Each time, he gets a constipated look on his face and shuts down the conversation. I have even said God helps those who help themselves. It had no effect.


We are getting a new washer, but it took an enormous fight and I'm going to be washing my clothes in the sink for a couple of weeks while he "makes up his mind.".


I have just gotten a second job and have started to look for an apartment close by. I am angry all the time. I cannot deal with him in close quarters every single day anymore.


What do I do, aside from re-establishing my personal space and new boundaries? What on earth *can* I do? I am Power of Attorney. Do I have grounds for filing a motion for a mental incompetency declaration?


I'm also Executor and it is in the Will that I'm to sell the house immediately upon his death and split the proceeds equally with my siblings. He wants those proceeds to go to us as his gift to us, our inheritance, but if he doesn't take care of the house, and doesn't leave any money to repair the house later because he keeps giving it away, what inheritance?
Is he doing this on purpose?

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Sounds like you need to talk to an attorney asap to find out what your responsibilities and legal rights are. Ask his MD / his medical provider to test / diagnosis him, which may be necessary for you to move forward, legally. If you haven't done this already, I question why not? In other words, what are you waiting for? You are the POA agent and you are the Executor. You need to learn what you need to do with these designations - and when. Are you intimidated by your Dad?

Moving out sounds like a good idea. Although, does this mean your dad will be alone? Will he allow a caregiver to assist him? How does he feel about you leaving?

Sounds like you need to assert yourself - stand up to your dad and get the repairs done (before things get worse, which it will). If you do not have a legal standing, he will need to decide how to live. You cannot do for him what he won't do for himself, unless you can make decisions, legally, on his behave.

If you do not take control now - the house may continue to breakdown and then what - ? Is your dad waiting for it to cave in ? That he doesn't seem to care about the condition of the house would call into question his mental functioning; sounds like your dad is unable to make these needed decisions and instead rationalizes leaving $ to you/his family. Yes, the floor could cave in. There could be rot / water, etc. or worse. Waiting will certainly make the situation worse.

Your dad cannot continue to live in an unsafe home. Find out what legal rights you have and get the house repaired. He needs to be in a safe structure / foundation whatever the cost. Right? I agree, you need to leave. And he may need to be in an apt for a few months while the house is getting repaired. Something needs to change - and soon.

Gena / Touch Matters
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CoraSmith: Per your profile, your father suffers from Alzheimer's disease so his cognition is not present. Be aware that elders, even ones of lucid mind (this, of course, is not your father) fall prey to charity organizations and the like 24/7. My own late mother, who was on a poverty wage of $1,237/month willingly gave away her last $5.00 to many such organizations until I moved in with her and put a halt to that. It is appalling that you and he are living with raw sewage in the home! As a result, you both are susceptible to getting quite ill if this isn't remedied. You should retain an elder law attorney immediately to go about the process of using your Power of Attorney as your father's agent for remediation of the house as presently no human should be living with raw sewage and other things in the house that are FAR PAST livable conditions.
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Poor decision making is an early sign of loss of cognitive function. Im seeing this with my own parents too.
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Assuming that may of these charities are sending envelopes, can you get to the mail before he does? My mom does this...she is on every charity list....we intercept the mail. Maybe talk to the people at the church and ask them not to cash his checks?
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Apply for guardianship and put his money in an account and give him a debit card with $100 limit. Seek advice from the ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES on issues like Conservatorship and Power of Attorney.
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Adult Protective Services should evaluate Dad's living conditions and see his bank statements to evaluate his mental stability.
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U could have the mail go to a post office box. U could get ur dad a place next door to u. I don’t believe in sending parents away. I’m sorry. If the parent has a home they could stay. Sometimes instead of putting ppl away try social worker as has been said or seek counsel. Sometimes they need to hear words from others bedsides they children. Tables turn u know when we were in our teens we felt like our parents were the enemy parents may feel we are. U could also have like an appraisal or someone prof’l to come buy to point out the issues and it’s urgent that they should be repaired immediately Bc it’s very unsafe and unsanitary.
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Wow. That’s slot ur father is a tough old man. Tell him to send me money. Lol, just kidding. Show ur dad in the Bible Micah that it’s fine to give 10 percent. Take pictures of everything that’s falling apart. Tell dad ur there to help not hinder. Otherwise, ur going to have to move. Make sure no one moves in and take over . I know it’s hard try going to counseling. Let him know that it’s going to look like he’s unable to care for himself and the house will be taking. Tell him ur helping and ur trying to keep things together for everyone. Whatever u do don’t let anyone come in and try to take advantage Bc ppl will and become like a squatter snd u couldn’t get them out which would be more trouble.
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This type of gifting has bothered me for years. Is your father religious or was he in his youth when he may have been taking in religious teachings? There are MANY churches that teach that to be obedient that everyone must tithe 10 percent PRE TAXES. That's a lot of money. The idea is to give without restraint so that you allow God to give you what you truly "need." While your father may be suffering from dementia, he may still be trying to follow a pattern that he has built up over years. My husband tithes pre-taxes and has for years. It has definitely affected our ability to keep up home repairs.
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I was POA for my mother. She needed to move to Assisted Living about two decades ago and I was charged with selling the family home that had been in our family for 45 years in order to pay for her long-term care. The neighborhood had become relatively affluent during the time of our family's ownership. Both my sibling and I were long-ago grown and out of the home when the need to sell it arose. No essential maintenance or upgrade had been done to it over the years aside of a furnace replacement. The real estate agent's report was that the house was borderline teardown and start from scratch due to its condition. The sale price was far lower than that for homes in the community with a better maintenance/upgrade record. The buyer couple was a contractor (husband) and a financial professional (wife). I have never met them or spoken to them but I have to commend them for taking the house on in the first place. This is what happens when homeowners can't keep up with even basic maintenance, much less being as fancy as the neighbors.
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Sorry about all that you are enduring. I hate to say this, but your father isn’t in his right mind, and has no business saying what should be fixed and what shouldn’t be fixed. The plumbing issue alone is a health hazard and dangerous. I bet the health dept would have a thing or two to say. Bring them in, if you have to.

Is there a social worker you can work with? Can you speak with your fathers Dr about his living situation? Will your siblings assist you? Are they aware of the living conditions? Can you call the center for aging or the Natl Aging Assoc (not sure of names exactly) they can maybe give you a push in the right direction. Maybe he’ll listen to a social worker (doubt it, but you’re going to have to bring in agencies to help you).

I hate to tell you, but you’ve got to take the bull by the horns (prepared to be gored) and get your father some help. He (and you ) can’t stay in those conditions. The house won’t sell for much either so, so much for inheritance. Any money from sale of property will (and should) go to your fathers care.

Quit “making suggestions” and start “taking actions”. It sounds like you are still your fathers child, and he calls the shots. The thing is, he isn't thinking clearly. It’s not that he’s doing anything on purpose…he sounds like he cold have dementia. He’s unreasonable and doesn’t accept things as they truly are. There’s stubborn, but then there’s delusional. It’s time to get him diagnosed and into some place that safe, sanitary and where he can get help. He won’t like it…again it’ll be a battle that requires all his children.

If you can’t get help for him from siblings, his Dr, and/or a social worker then you will have to at least get your own place and let one of the other siblings step up to help with his care. I’ve said this before on this site, you’ve got to save yourself.

I know this wasn’t the answer you want, because I can tell it’s not going to be pretty, but you have to get your father somewhere safe (you too). He won’t do it because he’s not thinking clearly. You need to do what’s right for you both and living in unsafe conditions isn’t it. If he has any funds use it to get him into a safe place. At some point, consult with a realtor and they can give you suggestions on whether to spend much on the house to put it on the market as is and sell it so someone can bulldoze it and have the land. That’s for down the road. The priority is getting your father somewhere safe.

Good luck and keep us posted here.
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Sewage in the basement is a health hazard so contact Adult Protective Services for advice; there may be agencies that do some of these repairs free or at reduced rates for seniors/disabled. If Adult Protective Services finds the home unlivable there may be no choice but to move. If the house was sold, the poor condition would decrease its value; that is something to consult with a realtor about if possible. And it sounds like your dad needs a full medical workup including for cognitive/neurological issues. If the house is rotting around you both that can cause health problems due to mold, etc. Find out how to 'freeze' your dad's bank accounts to preserve his funds until he is evaluated. All the best.
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My father was the same way. I don't think he had dementia, but he was 85 yrs old. He would get the mail and then sit there and write checks all day. Every charity in the world was begging for money. And he gave it to them. And he wouldn't fix anything around he house. I started getting the mail before he could get to it. And a lot of these charities I would call and tell them to leave my father alone. It helped a little.
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You are dealing with a man who is extremely stubborn and not with it - he definitely has dementia and what he is doing is horrible and disgusting. Since he absolutely refuses to cooperate in any way, I would seek an eldercare attorney's advice and see what your legal options are to take over and make his decisions for him - he will only get worse and make your hell ten times worse. DO NOT LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS ANY LONGER. I think since you have the power of attorney, check with all banks and creditors and close all accounts and see what the banks can do to keep him from accessing the money. Somehow YOU must get control of this. At once, set boundaries for him and make it very plain he is going to cooperate - or else. I think he should be placed at once where he is supervised and controlled. I am not sure of all the legal ways involved but you need advice at once. And for heaven's sakes, get out of that horrible house and find a tiny apartment that is clean and safe. He has dementia and needs to be controlled and someone must step in to make it impossible for him to spend and give this money away. Do NOT feel guilty. It is his problem and now he will have to pay the price. Then as soon as he is gone, then decide what you will do with the house. Sounds to me, it is best to get rid of it and take the loss and cut all ties. Good luck. This man is purely insane.
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Riley2166 Jan 2022
You can also go to Adult Protective Services for help - they can step in and help get things moving. He has to be STOPPED IN HIS TRACKS - NOW.
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According to your profile, dad suffers from Alzheimers/dementia which is in line with ALL that's going on in his house, his stubborn refusal to make home repairs AND his giving away money willy-nilly to every Tom Dick & Harry that comes along. You're both living with raw sewage in the basement which is a huge health hazard, although some posters may disagree. I will be DAMNED before I'd clean that up myself without a HAZMAT suit on, and even with one on, I wouldn't do it.

Go see a certified Elder Care attorney at once to see if you have the right to USE your POA to get your name on dad's checking account. If necessary, you may get him deemed incompetent and THEN you can make even more decisions on his behalf. Although right now you may be able to make a lot of financial decisions with POA. I'd just get it checked out with a CEC attorney FIRST, to be sure. Then I'd start writing checks to get the necessary home repairs done. Like the sewage problem in the basement, the holes in the linoleum which create a big tripping hazard, hoses in bathtubs, etc. You don't have to renovate the house; you just have to make it HABITABLE for humans to live there. Dad doesn't have to like it, either!

The biggest thing you need to accomplish is to get him to STOP giving away all this money to 'charity'! Your father has dementia, so he's doing these things b/c he has a broken brain. "Hostility & personal attacks" towards you also go with the territory of a broken brain, unfortunately. If you are able to get him to the doctor or call his doctor, meds can be prescribed to help his agitation. If you have medical POA for him, that would be very helpful too. Understand that dementia makes a person not the same person he once was; he's morphed into an unreasonable & angry human now. It's not his 'fault'; it's the disease's fault. That doesn't help you deal with the BS on a day-to-day basis, of course, but it helps explain what's going on.

I don't get the feeling you're wanting to run away as much as you are wanting to help get things fixed and stop the money bleed to 'charities' that's going on. While it's a good idea to get your own place to reestablish some peace and sanity for yourself, it's also a good idea to go see the CEC attorney to see what you can do for dad as his POA.

I'm sorry you're in such a bad situation and hitting a brick wall with your efforts. Sending you a hug and a prayer for a reasonable solution to an unreasonable situation.
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You dad needs to understand (if he's able) that the Lord helps those who help themselves. God doesn't need donations to his house-- he wants Dad to fix his own house first.

Even if he is competent, he may have a bit of "house blindness" where he's used to the quirks of his home and doesn't really notice them anymore.

My dad was a bit like yours in that he thinks everything is going to cost X dollars while having absolutely no idea whether that's the case. My parents' roof leaked for years, but Dad wouldn't get it fixed because "it'll cost $50,000." He got that number from his backyard neighbor whose roof DID cost $50K. That's because his roof was a custom irregularly patterned shingles on a Tudor-style house. My folks' house was clay tile, and fixing the roof consists of taking off the tiles, replacing the paper underneath, and putting the same tiles back on. Dad finally caved in on the roof and -- surprise! -- the repairs were less than $15,000. Pretty good for an 80-year-old roof that had NEVER been fixed. The only bad part was that he didn't have the roof done on the addition in the back of the house, because that addition was only 70 years old! (And yes, I've had to get that roof redone now.)

Look into getting someone out to look at the issues in Dad's house and give him(you) an idea of what exactly is wrong. Dad's fears of the expense are quite possibly the worst-case scenario rather that reality, so it's better to be informed than not. Getting a plumber might cost a couple hundred bucks, but that investment will give him a better idea of what repairs could cost, or even better, the seriousness of the issues and the expected consequences of not fixing them.
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Giving away/ donating your “ assets” ABSOLUTELY WILL affect Medicaid. You can’t give your money away ( or donate it….same thing) and then expect the government to “ take care” of YOU !!
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Geaton777 Jan 2022
It only affects things if the charitable donations happen within the "look back" window of their state's Medicaid guidelines (5 years in many states).
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Let's say $20K was put into the house for repairs. What would it be worth to sell? Is it possible for all the siblings to sign on a loan (or pay out of pocket) to do the repairs and recoup when you sell? If it looks like putting $20K into the house would still net a nice profit for all to share, then your investment would be a win-win for everyone, including dad.

As for the donations he makes, total up last years amounts and show it to him. Maybe he's never considered the annual amount and what all could have been repaired at his own house. You might even tell him if he starts requiring in home care from outsiders, they are going to report things that appear to make his living arrangement unsafe and then he'll end up HAVING to move out whether he likes it or not. At that point, the house will be in such disrepair no one gets anything and he has no house to live in safely.

You might call those churches that he has been faithful to. Ask them if they have any workgroups that do repairs on elderly homes. Might be time for them to give back to a loyal patron. Then contact an elderly attorney to find out what is needed in your state to stop all his donations since those will probably impact his eligibility for Medicaid if he ever happens to need a facility bed. It sounds like he has too much income/savings to get Medicaid, but atty can lead you in right direction as to dad living in a bad way while funding things he cannot afford.
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Katefalc Jan 2022
I do not agree that his kids should chip in for home repairs when he is GIVING money away to strangers. As stated his daughter works 2 jobs ! Time for dad to be evaluated mentally. This is reckless on his part and he needs to pay his bills and fix his home . The way it sounds now, 20 k won’t even pay full price for a bathroom Renovation.
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As POA, you can take hold of his finances. What I did was go to his bank, show my POA and get my name on his account. that way, I paid his bills online (let him fill out a check).

I'm wondering if you can have some kind of well-check on the house? Or even take out a loan, and pay yourself back through his finances. tell him you won the lottery - lol. Those things can present a hazard, and if he got hurt badly, and social services came out, you might be asked why you haven't provided more safety measures.
It's hard for those of his generation to receive blessing from others, but in this case you need to find a happy medium where he has some independence and you are able to do your job as the caregiver.
It's hard. My Dad didn't want any help either. But once we started doing repairs together, painted a few rooms and things started looking nicer, he saw it as projects "we" were doing. He'll change his mind if you just do it. Don't ask. Just do it.
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While reading your letter, I was certain you were a minor child living at the mercy of your demented father’s choices…until you said you had POA. You need to step up your role as POA and take control of your dad’s finances. If he’s writing checks to those charities, arrange a meeting with his bank. (Bring your POA paperwork.) Those charities (or the neighbors) could be defrauding your dad and the bank might be willing to help you control that. See a lawyer if necessary, using your dad’s money. And, I agree, do not spend any of your own money on dad’s home repairs.

Meet with your siblings to enlist their help with dad’s behavior and perhaps another place to live. Dad’s home sounds like it should be condemned. You need to move out.

Take care of yourself.
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Jagermeister Jan 2022
How do you just show up at the bank with POA paperwork? Aren't we required to present certification by a doctor that POA has been invoked? We have been trying for 2 years to take over BIL's finances, etc and no one will invoke his POA. He is clearly making very bad/harmful decisions (living in filth, bedbugs, non-working toilet, hoarding/squalorism) and EVERYONE says he can choose to live like this. APS even contacted him and told us the same thing. I told them BIL's decisions affect other people (bedbugs, odor) in his apartment complex. STILL no help from anyone. Since he is not MY relative, I give up. My DH can deal with him from now on. But it is so frustrating!!!
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Please get your father a medical, neurological, and psychological exam. God does want each of us to be generous, but He also expects us to be good stewards of the things He entrusts to our care - like the house. Seems the house is not safe to live in. Your father obviously is not able to care for his home. Please get him the treatment he needs so you can work to get you both into a safe living situation.
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If you have Durable POA, you can take over paying his bills, etc. I would seek the legal counsel that helped you with the POA if you are uncertain as to what you can do. You may be able to get conservatorship over his estate, but it will likely come at the price of angering him a bit. It sounds like he thinks he is competent to make decisions himself, which he is clearly not able to do. You may be able to approach the places he is donating to and inform them of the situation, perhaps even ask if they have any handymen there that might volunteer to fix his home since he has donated so faithfully to them. Otherwise, ask that they return the money so that he isn't living in a dangerous situation himself. It sounds like a very awkward situation. Perhaps your siblings can help? I am sorry you are in such a spot. Praying for you to find answers for all concerns.
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You state in your profile that your dad has dementia. Alzheimer's.
At this point he is NOT competent.
YOU need to take control and stop him from spending his money that is not for his care. That includes upkeep of the house.
Do what needs to be done in order to enact the POA.
If that does not give you enough power to do what needs to be done then you may have to become his Guardian. (or another family member if this is not a role you want.
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I agree that if you are his financial PoA (and not sure what county you reside in) read the PoA document to see what is required to activate your authority to take over managing his finances and making decisions. Probably requires at least 1 medical diagnosis of incapacity. You may need to create a "therapeutic fib" to get him in to his doctor. Do not tell him the real reason why he's at the appointment. Instead discretely pass the staff a pre-written note asking for the cognitive and memory exam (or whatever is required by the PoA). Make sure you take the PoA paperwork there with you and don't let him see you submit it to them.

Once your PoA authority is in play, you can do what you think is in his best interests. In the U.S. you'd need to bring the paperwork to his bank in person and they'll probably have you go through their own protocol in order to add you to his accounts.

FYI clinging on to expectations of inheritances causes a lot of division in families and causes the PoA to make money-based decisions and not decisions about your father's best care (and paying for it when he actually has the resources — such as proceeds from the sale of his house).
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Maybe if you rent a room you can think clearer and come up with a Plan . Do you Have siblings and they should be helping you reason with him. Hire a elder attorney and get a referral for a Nuero Psyche eval . Does he have a credit card you can use for Task Rabbit ( They do repairs ) he shouldn't be giving Money away that makes no sense if the House is falling apart . You shouldn't Have to be cleaning up after him either . I would feel very resentful if I were you . in a way Its abuse - Let everything fall apart and have you clean up the mess . This sounds Like a full time Job just dealing with the House . Maybe Its time for assisted Living . No I don't think he is doing this on Purpose - he is being stubborn and for some reason your the step and fetch it person . Get yourself out of that role . Get yourself some space before you Lose your sanity . He doesn't sound reasonable and your being taken advantage of .
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If you have POA over your father use it. Is the POA medical or financial? Its time you get your own place and look into getting him the help he needs. If you can get help from a doctor on his condition if he has the start of dementia it might be good to get representative payee for his social security if he is at that age. I had to do this for my BIL because he had no sense of money he would draw out and leave it in the negative range then complain someone took his money. I have been rep. payee now for 4 yrs.

Prayers to you
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Many issues here, I'm only going to address one. Politely ask your NEIGHBOR to decline any donations. Also the church. When I was in the hospital I gave my father power of attorney and he sold all my stuff on Craig's list (5 bed/3bath worth) I tracked down some of my stuff like the 2000 bike he gave to a sports equipment dealer for 35 since he was POV I didn't really have a leg to stand on.
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It sounds like it might be time for a conservatorship to manage his finances. My 90 y.o. mother in law with early stage dementia has the same tendencies - we suspect that she thinks she's somehow trying to 'score points with God' by 'denying herself and being generous'. She was assigned a conservator years ago when she fell prey to the old 'Jamaican lottery' scam and lost tens of thousands of dollars. She still thinks to this day that the consevatorship is undeserved 'punishment' and that she 'was going to give all her "winnings" to poor people'. Now, if her house needs repairs, or she has other needs, we get an estimate and have it sent to the conservator. My mother-in-law gets a small allowance to do with as she pleases.
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"We have an unknown plumbing issue. Every so often, the pipe in the basement will "gurgle up," leaving toilet paper, feces, and urine all over the basement floor that then needs to be swept out and sanitized. This happens approximately every two months."

Does Dad have local sewerage or a septic tank? If sewerage there is probably a blockage in the pipes. For us it was tree roots growing into the pipes. Your Township can have a chemical put into the pipes that kill the roots. I would call them, ours caused a problem in one of our neighbors houses where it all backed up to her house and came up through a toilet in her downstairs and flooded the downstairs. If he has a septic tank, it may need cleaning out. This is serious, its a health problem. Your Dads house can be condemned because of his septic system.

I agree, I would give him no money to fix up the house. My Moms was the same way. Years of neglect because she didn't have the money. The bathroom floor was ready to cave in. In front of the kitchen sink was "mushy". I ended up selling it for 40k and that covered the tax and Medicaid liens. When all was said and done we children got about 10k to split between us. The man who bought it gutted it, new foundation and used the outer walls. Its not my parents house.

You are wise to get a place of your own and let the chips fall where they may. When things get bad, you call APS for a vulnerable adult.
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He should first have a neuropsychological test on him to make sure he is not developing a dementia. If the test shows that he is losing his cognitive functions, he should be taken to Court to have him declared mentally incompetent, unfit to make financial decisions. Then, you can be appointed his guardian with full powers to administer his finances. You will need to hire an attorney to help you with all the legal steps.
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