I am married but have no support system. Any advice?

Yayyy! Good for talking it out! I hope things get better, maybe if it's affordable hire someone to come in a few times a week to give her me time... Good luck to you both!

Glad you're both talking. Communication is THE most important thing in any relationship. Best wishes!

Is it possible to hire another carer to come in for the same rate of pay you are paying your spouse? If so, then Grandma doesn't have to be facilitated & your spouse can stop caring for her. Grandma gets a carer, your spouse gets to stop doing the caring, and if spouse is comfortable being present while the carer is there you also have a second pair of eyes on the carer to ensure that Grandma is safe & comfortable (that the paid carer is doing her job). If possible the upside of this is while there is someone else paid to do this the spouse may change her mind (may not either) but being home & watching someone else do what she could & earn the money she was earning she may or may not ask you to stop paying the carer & take the job back. Maybe not. Either way at that point it would be her choice (not yours) which would put a whole new attitude on it. My parents have been in facilities & if the option is available to pay someone else for some of the hours then your Grandmother will be happier at home.

Lol thanks....it was alot more involved then i obviously said but we got to this point. This is all i have asking for was a talk. A starting point, a ref point. Something to work with. Thx countrymouse

Flowers and hugs, goddess - that's a great start. Best of luck x

Ps....eddie u are hilarious

Hello everyone. I just want to give an update. Since our last argument my wife came to me and actually apologized. She admitted that things where a little different than what she had expected but also realized that communication has always been an issue with us. We had a long TALK and she said thank you for everything i have done for her. She told me what she needed from me and I from her and we are starting there. I dont expect things to be perfect but this is a step in there right direction. We discussed counciling and are looking into it. Again thank you everyone. I will talk to you all soon.

Poor grandma. Unless she is totally selfish and has no feelings, she has to be aware that her presence is probably going to break up a marriage and feel terrible about it. There is nothing worse than being somewhere you're not wanted. It's too bad the wife didn't say no to begin with. The saying that no good deed goes unpunished is proved by this situation since the husband is trying to do the right thing. The suggestion I like best is wife gets job and uses the money to pay someone to care for grandma. I sympathize with her but her method of solving the problem makes me think he'd be well rid of her.

goddessrp, I hope none of us have offended you. I think I can safely say that was not anyone's intent. We are caregivers first, last and in the middle. We want to offer bits of wisdom and support. Our 'job' on this forum is support and help. I know you said you wanted to avoid a conversation about your unique circumstances, but it's kinda hard to avoid. We're all sorry if we did anything to make your life more difficult. :0/

Well, strap me to a pig and roll me in the mud. ... Better yet, slap my face and call me Mary. First I saw the "significant other" phrase; then "wife" here and there. Something didn't add up, but I didn't want to come across as intolerant.

Now let me take the foot out of my mouth and do a RuPaul: "I got one thing to say: Keep granny and kick the snickety wife to the curb until she cools off.

Eddie, you need to read a little closer - G is a woman ;)

G:

No disrespect my man. ... Intense emotions definitely cloud our judgement at times, but handle your business. The ball is in your court.

Braida, you're a scream girl. ... Boy, I needed a good laugh today and just got it. G's situation is like an onion, and you might have just peeled a few layers. This triangle is a challenge to everyone, because we all want to help this young man. Two women he cares about, and stuck in the middle. Remember that song "Torn Between Two Lovers?" Ok, it doesn't apply here. ... But I've been there several times; "feeling like a fool."

Your wife sounds like she has always been "high maintenance" with issues (unhappy with situations where she is not in control, i.e, job) before grandmother moved in. The third person in a marriage changes the dynamics and leaves the maintaining partner (you) with less time to maintain the high maintenance partner. I think Braida has a point about your wife being jealous of Grandma getting attention from you.

I've also wondered if your wife is depressed (long standing) and the depression is manifesting as bad behavior.

Also Countrymouse's comments about her neighbors' reasons for splitting up may have bearing on your situation. Your pace may be exhausting her. You are busy, she is unhappy/bored/frustrated/jealous/depressed. It looks like the busier you are trying to fix everything, the worse your wife behaves.

Another thought, she may be mourning the job she disliked, missing the social contacts she had at the job.

BTW, who put you in charge of everyone's happiness? As I eluded to in a prior post, making someone else happy is an impossible task. Happiness is an internal function not something that is derived from external circumstances. Certainly, externals influence happiness but the final determining factor of happiness/unhappiness is an internal of that person .

Did you ever tell us what your Gramma's impairments are? How old she is? What kind of care she needs? I see people mentioning dementia, but I don't recall you saying that. Did I miss it?

Not that Gramma seems to be the real issue here, if you have offered to move her out and that isn't satisfactory either.

Definitely get joint counseling. That may not work either, but it is definitely better than giving up without trying.

I just finished reading all these comments. Goddessrp, I think your wife is behaving like a spoiled brat. All of the help you have offered her after SHE was the one who wanted to quit work and take this on, and she won't even communicate to you what is bugging her so badly about having Grandma there. I doubt that it's anything like some of the comments suggest about Gma being nasty to wife when you're not there. Wife would tell you that. So what else is so bad? After all, she gets to stay home, have time off that you have offered her, have people come in to help, and Grandma isn't even that demanding of a case....yet. AND, it's only been a month. Your wife certainly doesn't have staying power. She's probably just bored, doesn't like it now, and is behaving like a petulant bratty teenager. You've even offered to have things go back to the way they were, and she doesn't want that either. Something else is bugging her, if you ask me. She's just using Gma as an excuse. Have you ever thought that she is jealous of Grandma, and the love you have for her? That's a possibility. She may be the type that can't share love. Whatever the problem is, it's good that her true colors have come out now, Goddessrp, because chances are this is the way she IS, and it's not going to change. As Captain and Debralee might say, "it's a dog eat dog world out there!" LOL. And I don't think your wife is up to the challenge.

Couple's counseling seems in order. "There is no we" says it all. I don't think grandma has anything to do with it. There is no communication, just passive aggressive treatment from both sides. This is a very dysfunctional relationship, with no one having the skills to fix it. Get help, then if that doesn't work, find a new life partner.

Goddessrp (yes, I see now, there was a clue) I do beg your pardon. I should have said "my granddaughter the heroine." Hope I didn't drop any other gender clangers (probably did, oh woe).

Well, after all this, it does sound as if you've tried everything and your wife doesn't know what she wants. Very difficult.

I suppose, the next time she's doing the "I'm only washing my towels" thing you could look her in the eye and say "shall we stop this, please." Anything that will get her to pull up, sit down and THINK where she'd like you all to be heading, instead of reacting to a situation she's perhaps panicking about? Do you think?

The only other thing that rings a bell is: there you are all nicely set up, you're rushing off to work and back, rushing around at home, trying to take on everything; meanwhile your wife's world has shrunk down to the home + grandma. I thought the depression query was worth a good look, by the way. But the lovely couple two doors down from us have recently separated (after fifteen years, I think) not because they didn't love one another but because one couldn't cope with the pace the other set - she was constantly exhausted. She works from home, too; and from what she said she began to feel as if her partner was a whirlwind who blew in and scattered all before her. Do you think the two of you might need to realign?

Maybe she's not the caregiving type... it is a big responsibility. Sounds like resentment has started. I'm a private CG for a non family member, and get no support from my husband. I chose this career, if you get frustrated quit. It's different with a live in relative. I agree with the people who say find the root of her anger. As much as we love our family, you have your own. Your in a situation where I'm sure you feel caught in the middle. Reading your posts, it's not you or grandma, seems she gets irritated if things don't go her way... seriously no offense to either one of you. I don't know either one of you. Just hope you two can come to an understanding and find happiness. But try to get to that deep root. I gave up on mine. Just remember you can't please everyone, but in this situation, who do you want happy.... SI OR GMA... Good luck to you

Just like a baby changes everything, so has your grandmother. But I don't blame her. It was your idea, and your partner went along with it. The problem here is that your profile doesn't say much; and all we can do is guess as to how best to a brother and fellow caregiver in need.

Provided her health is relatively good, Grandma can go back to wherever she came from. But even if she left, you'll still have to deal with the fallout. How about you going to work as usual, your wife finding full-time employment outside the home so she can defuse a bit, and hiring a housekeeper?

One of the biggest problems in caregiving is that when you're supposedly "off duty" your mind is still working. Even at night, when in the throes of passion, the thought -- and fear -- that "intruder" might knock on the door is enough to kill a the half-o-----sms you might be having. No one gets to enjoy anything.

Marriage is a contract between two people who've chosen to surrender many of their liberties. But a third person can inadvertently drive a wedge between the lovebirds, particularly when the one of them feels his/her freedoms are being lost along with the privileges and pleasures s/he expects to have. A loving marriage can turn into a love-and-chain relationship; add a needy party and you'll have slavery.

Holding grudges and lashing out here and there is just sitting on a timebomb. When it goes off, everyone will fly in a different direction; and everyone will lose. If you want your wife back, one option is for you to sit down with grandma and discuss other living arrangements. Or the 3 of you could sit down as a family and work on some sort of compromise beneficial to all.

Hi, so sorry you are having such a time with your wife while trying to help your grandmother. My sister and I had taken care of my grandpa and we were pretty young but enjoyed every minute of it and have so many memories of him that I still miss him even today. Then my Dad developed Alzheimer's disease and we took care of him for about 5 years while my Mom--who by the way acted just like your wife--did whatever she wanted to do. Now Mom has Parkinson/dementia and she's been a pistol being her care giver.
Is there an Adult service (ours is "Just Friends") where you live that can take care of grandma while you are at work? Agency for the Aging helps out with that and the programs at these facilities slows down the dementia/Alzheimer's. Also, the Agency for the Aging can have someone come in and help grandma/or take her places.
If you can get your wife and you into counselling that would be a step to at least see if this can be worked out. Glad you are reconsidering having children.
Keep posting-You are by no means a lone. Hugs!

I'm sorry to hear things have broken down to this extent. I do wish you guys could get into therapy so all the real issues can come out with an objective "ref" there to help navigate the tough parts. Maybe your partner should get on here too to "voice" her side of things. I think you all could get on the same page, but there is so much hurt right now- on both sides. I think I speak for the rest of the posters that we hope for all of you happiness and peace.:)

I fewl for you. You are in a very difficult spot. I also feel for your wife and grandma. Your wife is probably feeling overwhelmed. She had no way of knowing how involved and how consuming caregiving is. Part of her anger may be with herself for agreeing to something abd then finding out she is not really ready for such a challenging long term commitment. More than a few caregivers in support groups express feeling that way. What to do now? Really assess what is going on. Ask your SO what she finds most difficult and work with her to find a way to ease the situation. What can each of you do to find a solution. It may be that grandma has to go elsewhere. Not everyone is cut out to be a full time caregiver. That doesn't mean she or he is not a good person or that he or she has failed. Not everyone is cut out to be an artist or a an athlete either. Bless you both for wanting to help Grandma. Now it's time to help one another.

tamarakustka, Hi
Unfortunately you are mistaken in correcting Elfgarden's reply. You wrote "please remember that the wife BEFORE the grandmother moved in, only took care of herself". Where goddessrp wrote...

"As far as cooking and cleaning it has always been shared. But now its such a separte issue. She makes it a point to let it be known she is only doing her things"

Just keeping things straight. While I don't believe in the "crying for help" she (the SO) needs something that is for sure.

Please understand it is one thing to say "OK, I'll do this - I'll take care of her" and it a "whole 'nuther ball game" when you come down to the reality of it. It is obvious your partner/wife is sorry she agreed to provide care; she is feeling guilty that she can't cope, and she is resenting you because you have the freedom to leave the house and go to a job and she is stuck there taking care of grandma. This happens to everyone eventually - more quickly when the ill person is not your own mom/grandma. You need to take a big step back and immediately look into another option for providing care for grandma. Stop the blame game; it is no one's fault and there's already enough guilt floating around to make everyone miserable. In my family there were several of us helping to care for mom, but it only took a few months before we all began to feel resentment. It is normal - at least we had others to share the burden. You may find your wife more willing to help care for grandma if she is part of a scheduled group of caregivers, who each has their allotted time period. But for right now, you need to find a caregiving agency quickly and get some help scheduled.

With all due respect to "tamarakustka's" reply... its easy to be judgemental about the wife and be an armchair psychologist from afar -but none of us are there and we only have one side of the story. Maybe the wife is depressed... and it would be understandable if she felt she was unable to cope. Let's remember this is the husband's perspective only and since the wife is not on this forum to speak for herself I was trying to be fair.

Yes, please listen to all these many wise advice givers and get to counseling. I hope you and your wife can work things out. Reading your situation brought to mind some empathy for your wife. Bear with me here: My first husband was a legal resident (green card) from another country long before I met him (who later became a citizen). I bring this up because he had been in this country for over a decade before we met, so it's not like he was using me to get here. We met in college, and got married at age 21. A few years later, he asked me if his brother could come (from the other country) to live with us. We were far from well off (both working multiple jobs, and I was going to night school), living in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. I felt that I had no choice but to say "yes", which at the time, I thought would be fine, since I liked his brother. This went on for over a year, during which time, we had almost no privacy, I was cooking and cleaning for 3, driving brother around, etc. Brother eventually went to live with a cousin, due to getting a job closer to their area. Then my husband asked me if his sister could come (from the other country) to live with us. Again, I said "yes". I liked his sister, and thought it could be fun, as I do not have any sisters of my own. Again, I also felt that I had no choice but to say yes. Several more years of no privacy and cooking and cleaning, etc. for an additional person ensued. I know that all this stress took its toll on my marriage, which eventually ended (my ex cheated on me then lied about it).
I bring this up, because even though your wife said yes to taking in and taking care of grandma, and I'm sure meant it at the time, I'm also sure that she had NO IDEA of what it would be like to have someone else's (dependent) relative in her home 24/7.
Add on top of that, that she is the caregiver for a senior, again, a new experience. I now have the care of my 92 year old aunt. Nothing prepares you for the stresses of taking care of a senior, not even a nice one who you love, let alone someone else's relative.
So I'm just saying, yes, get to counseling and please try to understand that your wife may have genuinely intended to help out and thought it would be great. But you go out to work every day, and she does not. And you are not the one living with someone else's relative. As much as I meant well, I later regretted saying "yes", but didn't feel that I could kick them out. Your wife probably feels the same (but worse because it's a senior and she's the caregiver) stress and regret.
Best of luck with your situation.

I'm sorry to say that you may be seeing your wife's true colors. She says she wants to work from home but really doesn't. She says she wants your gma to stay but really doesn't. This sounds like the first time she has ever had to put anyone else's needs before her own. I can't imagine what it will be like if you have kids- and she won't get paid for that job....and it truly is 24/7. She probably will expect an au pair.
This may be an eye opener into who your wife really is. I totally get that she regrets what she agreed to, and she has a right to change her mind but her way of handling it is immature and not that of a committed wife. I also think you need to get the other family members to step up. You are the grandchild, your uncle and dad are the children. I hope you agreed to this because you wanted to, not because you were made to feel it was your duty. You have every right to expect gma's children will contribute.

I don't know what to say about your wife. She wanted to work from home in her trained field. What other arrangement was she expecting? Was she going to do elderly daycare in her home? I don't get it.

If you want to save your marriage, you'll need to change the arrangement. Then you'll need to decide how you want the rest of your marriage to play out. Please look into counseling, couples or private, if your wife continues acting this way.

Elfgarden I think it would be helpful for anyone to walk in another's shoes in order to better understand the situation ...also my fil treated me completely diffrent ( when my husband wasent around ) so even if you do that know that grandma probably is nicer to her grandchild

@ captain
I have more compassion for that hungry dog than some of those so called human beings rotting in prison for the astrocious crimes to human kind. No animals have ever vicimized me, can't say that about another human being especially now that they are older.