How do I make my husband understand our marriage is in danger because he refused to put his Mom in assisted living (6 years now!)?

This has been going on for 6 years and he is how old? Forget it! It sounds like it's too late for him. Tell him to go move in with mommy and live the rest of his life, but that you are not moving there and he can send you alimony. If he is a truly mom enmeshed man, at what I guess his age might be given that his mom is 90, there is really not much beyond a major miracle that can be done to win his heart back home.

Josephine1948, curious what has been happening since you posted back in November. Hope there is a For Sale sign in front of your mother-in-law's house.

Yes, it sounds like just going quietly on a sit-down strike might work. Husband probably does not "get it" and will not until you stop putting in time and effort into this dry hole.

I like New2This' idea -- kind of like a boycott. You could give your husband the courtesty of letting him know that as of ___ date, you're no longer involved, but all the best to him and his mother.

Marriage comes 1st, before children and before parents. Without a solid marriage parents and children end up with very limited resources. Once there are two places of residence for each newly divorced person to pay for, separate utility bills, do the mowing, vacuuming, cooking, run separate laundry facilities, do the shopping for, there will be no money and no time or energy left to contribute to anyone. You probably know this, but, ...does he? Six years, you have been really patient, does he understand that much?

I hate to say it, but saw a relative's friend become the caregiver to her awful MIL and her druggie stepdaughter both. Let them live in her home with DH and herself, catered to them, fed them, cleaned up after them, spent her hard earned dollars on all of their woes for 5 years. She stopped doing all the things she'd loved, lost herself. Then she got sick and died. All I could think was it's too bad she couldn't have enjoyed her last 5 years of health and life, and all the things that made her who she was, she was a really special person. As for the "extras", am sure they are all fine, and griping at someone else today. Makes me think maybe a person has to be careful about how deep they get in, how long they stay in.

Wonder what happens if you "remove" just yourself slowly? What happens if you just state you don't feel like making the drive over to her old house, helping with the work, but rather state you're too tired, staying home? Then screen your calls, hold your ground, divert some funds, go get a new shirt, haircut, lunch with a friend while he's doing her things? Maybe he'll get tired of being alone with it, realize how you feel about being alone with the things he could have been doing with you sometimes. Then when he comes to you and complains about being on his own with it all, you can sweetly say, well yeah, that's sad, I wish you'd been able to be with me and so and so at lunch the other day too, honey. Might work. :-)

Mom's doctor needs to be involved here if she is declining to the point it's not safe for her to live alone. A good geriatric specialist can provide a lot of helpful information for a family struggling with these problems. There is typically more than one problem at hand besides just age-related decline.

Tell your husband plainly that he is married to you and not to his mom, plus that you want a man for a husband and not a little boy.

A lot depends on your husband. Did you tell him in very specific words why you can no longer tolerate the situation as it stands? He may assume things are just fine. Or he may think there's no way that you'd end the marriage.
You need to talk to him, and give examples of how dealing with your MIL's problems are making you miserable. You might also go and check out some ALFs and NHs. Some of them are quite nice. Take your husband along with you. It might convince him that his mother would benefit from being in one.

1) Marriage counseling. Saving your marriage is worth crowding out something else on you overcrowded to-do list. See one on your own if hubby refuses.
2) Hiring professionals to handle some of the tasks you are doing on your MIL's behalf, or to free you up to get those things finished. For example, do you have a house cleaner?
3) (Last resort) See a lawyer. Find out your separation/divorce options. Explain to hubby in the hope that this will get his attention and inspire him to take you seriously. I am NOT suggesting a divorce without lots of effort to improve the marriage first. I'm just thinking of ways to underscore the seriousness of your unhappiness.

I hope that you have had many conversations about your feelings and his feelings regarding MIL over the last six years. If not, it is certainly time to start. If so, it is time to escalate.

Josephine1948, is the issue your mother-in-law or is the issue the house in Ohio?

Good heavens, enough is enough in regard to that house in Ohio. Get a Realtor and put it on the market immediately if you can legally do that. As you already know out-of-state property is difficult to maintain. Hopefully there are tenants in the house and it is not sitting vacant. If vacant, did your mother-in-law change her home owner's insurance to reflect that, if not, the insurance company might not cover any damage. Premiums for vacant property is quite expensive.

Now, regarding your mother-in-law, is she in the same town/city where you live? You mentioned she is in an apartment, is she in an Independent Living apartment? Are you the Caregiver? If she is in a regular apartment, she might enjoy being in a community of people of her own generation, there is less boredom that way.

In addition to the good advice from the others might I suggest that you and your husband seek counseling? I particularly like what Pam said but your husband would need to be on board. If he is struggling with feelings of loyalty and guilt it might be really hard for him to do that (I say that because I do with my own parents).

If you feel your marriage is at stake I would make that the priority. Your marriage comes first. A good counselor will help create a safe environment for you and your husband to discuss how to proceed with your MIL AND keep your relationship intact.
Wishing you well. This stuff ain't easy.

Get Guardianship and that way you can sell the house and move her to an appropriate facility. In the long run, it is cheaper than feeding the white elephant.

Have you told him outright how you feel? Does he have her POA? Why is he not listening to you? It seems that he would see how she needs proper care. This type of care is a full time job.

At my cousin's former Assisted Living facility, there was a very friendly resident who was 100 years old. She was wheelchair bound, but able to get herself in and out of the wheelchair with one person assisting. She had some dementia, but was able to function there instead of in a nursing home. I'm not sure if that would be practical for your mother in law though.

If she was eligible for Assisted Living 6 years ago she's probably ready for a nursing home now. Where is your mother in law now?

Have you discussed this with your husband? I'm thinking that if he didn't want his mom in an AL he probably doesn't want her in a NH either so is she going to live with you?