I am 30-years-old, and I'm marrying a man who takes care of both his parents How can we make this and a new marriage work?

Congrats on your wedding and it's very wise that you are thinking ahead about what your marraige can handle.
Do both of you work? Who is supporting everyone right now?
I definitely vote for not living in the same house.
I know it's hard but it's sounds like they need 24 hr care of a group of professionals.
Have you thought of looking into a nursing home nearby to where you would live?
You wouldn't be abandoning them. You'd be closeby and when you visit you wouldn't be working all the time. You'd have time to actually spend with them, looking at pictures or whatever they can do.
I know the thought is heartwrenching. I put my Mom in a nursing home 7 yrs ago w/dementia. Now my Dad has dementia and a host of physical problems. I don't have a life and don't want to put him in a home yet.
Everyone tells me I should for sanity's sake and i know this is right but very hard to do.
It sure would get your marriage off to a better start w/less stress.
Let us know what is happening. This is a great place for advice or just to vent!

DO NOT MARRY HIM AND MOVE INTO THE HOUSE! BEFORE you get married - LONG before you get married, move both of them into assisted living or a nursing home. They can share a room if they'd like - either facility probably has a couple or two living together at any given time. You can still be a good daughter in law by helping with their errands, trips to the doctor, visits, getting them out for a drive or taking holiday dinners IN to them. If you do this right before or after the wedding, you will be the reason and there's too much room for resentment. If you do it now, everyone has time to adjust.

I'm impressed at your fiance and his devotion to his parents at such a young age but he should not risk both of your futures by moving into the house. If he insists on it, I'd evaluate why he really wants to be married...

hum, "clearing my throat." A brand new couple needs privacy to develop their couple identity just like a young person needs theirs. From my observation of young married couples and parents, it is far too often a set up for division. He's going to be constantly either in a triangle of mom vs you with him in the middle which will be the hardest to untangle or in a triangle of dad vs you with him in the middle which might not be so easy to handle. There is sound reasoning why a couple needs to leave mom and dad in order to cleave to each other. By living under the same roof, there will be one big unanswered question looming each day over your head, 'am I the # 1 woman in his life". I'll write more latter.

I would suggest getting some pre-wedding counseling and bring up how you are now planning on handling this situation which you two have made very healthy choices about in light on your feedback on my wall. It's great that he is so concerned about his parents, but I'd want some third party input about this marriage so if he needs some one on one help over his family dynamics and can get such help early on and start on it before getting married itself which wow is quite an adjustment!!!!

I say this for two reasons. 1. My cousin saw some issues related to her present husband and his mom while dating. She said nothing then, but his issues have caused problems in their marriage. Now she's riding his case and that is not getting anywhere. Big things are much easier dealt with before the wedding than after. 2. My wife had some issues with her mother that I never addressed until I saw their impact upon her us and our family once children came along. It was like she was not fully present with me nor with the family. To complete the story, I've had my own mother issues to work through as the only child of a single parent mom which was not a good experience as 'mommy's little man' which she called me constantly and treated me such even after she got married again to a man who was nothing more than an escape ticket.

Chinese have a phrase for this: Eat bitter herbs. In Chinese traditional ways the eldest son is expected to care for the parents in their home. He marries and guess who really cares for parents? Wife, that's who. Meanwhile old gal has been waiting for this day: she had to serve her foul mouthed and cruel mother in law...now it's her turn to turn to seek vengeance, be demanding, be bossy, with impunity... However, in China, unlike here in the states, there is an upside for this couple. The grandparents might help babysit the couple's children...the man goes off to work and earn money or run his business. When the old folks pass away, this eldest son couple inherits the family estate. The other siblings have gone their own way to make their own lives. There is a built in balance to this system. Even here in Silicon Valley, I see the old country Chinese walking around town during the day, caring for their grandchildren. Look up Filial Responsibility for more info. or maybe Filial Obligation

So...as this having them at home might not last long under the best circumstances, perhaps you and your hubby to be can rent or buy a travel trailer as escape hatch...or even tent if weather is nice. hire occasional caregivers so you can have nights free...or set up closed circuit TV. If they go into nursing home, the house might be sold from under you to pay for NH. OR you might be required to pay rent in this house, for instance. I think if one of the couple stays in house, then not so crucial...you might look at that angle when figuring this out. Even though couple may be apart, there is some comfort knowing that the house was saved, and that the one in the NH can come visit...

Chinese use to wrap women's feet. Starting a marriage in your parent's home wraps an emotional nose around her neck and the emotional umbilical cord represented by mom strangles his neck as well. Yuck!!! The only one worse that this I once heard from a newly married bride was on their honeymoon his parents went along for the ride. Can anyone spell much less understand the words privacy and boundaries anymore?

These themes are in many of the excellent chinese movies. Amy Tan also in her novels. But as I said, there is a balance to the arrangement that is "forced to eat bitter herbs," but then it the tables are turned. New wife becomes the old .... darn can't use that word in this forum. Think I start own forum where swearing and outside links allowed. Sometimes a few well placed bad words are appropriate, $*($ it! :-) Clarissa Pinkola Estes, who wrote Women Who Dance with the Wolves...she has very kewl Facebook page, astounding. Once she promised us a mini online class on swearing...as long as it was done like Shakespeare. Have to remind her...sorry got off topic... ;-) hope you amused...

Perhaps in the Chinese culture, this could work out, but I think we have to start thinking about finding our own place. I agree with the emotional noose analogy, and I've already felt some of that. I want to be able to love his parents, and enjoy my time with them without resentment. It seems more and more like that means living nearby, but not with them.

We don't have enough info of your situation, but I just heard KaChing...and I don't mean Chinese. Do you think your husband is thinking in cost saving terms. Kaching..no pay rent by living at parents's house. Kaching...no pay paid caregivers cause "WE" will take care of them... Kaching...WIFE take care of them. Kaching...not spend fortune on nursing home and private caregivers, have more to inherit. Kaching...if they move into nursing home, the house will be sold and put into fund to spend on nh fees...there goes inheritance. It's normal to think this way and consider all options, but you might want to find if this is true.

Also, if you are really a solid pair and stand in this together really together and support each other...you will strike gold in each other. However all too often too much fools in this situation...good luck

We have discussed financial issues, and I know without a doubt, that his concern comes from making sure his parents recieve the best care possible. I think it must be difficult to hand that over to someone else when you have done it so well yourself. Yes, it will be more difficult financially to have our own place, but I know he considers his parents money to be their money. His brother feels the same way. They want what is best for them, and didn't expect this great girl to come in and shake things up :) There is no "Kaching" in this. Don't assume I am stupid enough to be sucked into a situation where someone just wants help in taking care of his parents.

Chinese culture is almost a polar opposite of western culture. We've gone to the extreme of hyper individualism but I'm not sure how much real individualism people really have. However, in the east, it is like they are just discovering individualism because it never existed before.

amyjoydon, be careful of the frog in the kettle technique by which the water is made hotter only by degree and it finds itself cooked. Separate houses sounds very good, but hopefully not too near by so that he's constantly running 3 or 4 houses down the street. The other thing to look for is does he really seem totally present at home or is his mom like 'another woman in his life." Believe me, it's a horrible experience when you feel like there are more than two of you in bed because of the extra one in the other person's head.

amyjoydon...glad to hear your hubby to be is an upstanding dude. In that case, you may all survive this whatever you decide. You'll keep discussing options, overcome small barriers and large ones. And his brother is involved.

May I say that in my family Kaching is the primary concern from them...the longer mom lives, the less inheritance. "She should have been dead already, then we'd have our inheritance." yep, sister yelled that at me...and worse. Even I am aware that the longer I keep mom alive, the less inheritance I will have to start my life over. Perhaps there will be no inheritance...and I am out on the street with awful teeth, age 70 and almost zilch in SS. That's where it's headed and I am still here.

Anyway, just removing the Kaching out of the equation. I still think renting an RV might be the way to go. private escape hatch. Occasionally drive it away for mini vacation...even use to transport parents...they can lie down...if you can get them in the little door and up the steps...

Please, please if you want a marriage, get them set up comfortably in a home together, where they get 24 hour care.

"Your already panicing over this by asking, and a young couple cannot have a real marriage with this".

"I was almost 30" when married my husband. Sick mother-in-law, and 12 years of caring for her (all was left on me to handle, in my home), she past away in 2005....and now for over five years, father in law (Dimenshia, heart, copd)

I have not had a marriage, yet! Seriously, if he loves you, he won't subject you through this. They will be cared for better (24 hour round the clock care of nurses, medications, doctor appts, aides, people cooking & cleaning for them, daily activities) in a decent nursing facility. You can take them out for trips, and family time, holidays anytime, as well visiting them!

Your choice, but no way to start a marriage...."I have been living this since I walked down the isle"! That was 1997.

This will affect your marriage, children, vacations, finances, let alone romance or being a young happy couple. You need to start your life, and so does he. Parents do need help, but when real bad, you need to make the right choices and see they have the proper 24 hour care.

I already filed seperation due to this (3 yrs ago), but the fact we own a house, we live under the same roof still. The day my father-in-law passes, or he goes to a home, my husband is out ! "That's how hard it is, it's not easy, at all".

I have 3 sister & brother in laws..."they have done nothing to help, they disappeared or would have excuses when we needed help". (However, their words were much different in the begining, before we got married, the excuses started really fast when they seen how hard it was in our home!)

Best of luck, and talk to your financee about proper care for them (Does not mean he nor you do not love them either!).

"Again, your already questioning this, and not even married yet". That should be a sign.

Really wishing you well on this. Talk to a Pre-wedding Counselor or Pastor on this , maybe they can help?

May I ask have you told him directly you do not want to live with them and if you have what is his answer that would be the telling point would he still want to marry you if you do not become their caregivers-his answer is very important-please ask him this and let us know what he says.

For the first two months or so I thought that I could do it - I just thought I would be positive and we would get time away, and it would be enough. Then it just clicked one day that this is just too much. He came to the same realization right about the same time. 195Austin - I don't know if I want to ask him that. I would like to make both work, rather than making him choose. I don't mind living nearby, but I almost think it needs to be on our terms. I don't want to disregard them, but I also wonder if I have the right to change how things have been.

So when I did finally bring it up to him, he was very agreeable. He had been thinking the same thing, but doesn't quite know what changes to make. He wants our own lives too, but he struggles with guilt - feeling like he doesn't want to abandon them because they certainly didn't ask for this either. His parents are only 68.

I think everyone on here has basically confirmed what I thought we should do, and he agrees. Now that we are sure, we just need to make it happen.

This will have to be your choice, but I do think you may be setting your marriage up for undue stress. If there is any way that you can get some help with the parents, and you can live nearby, I'd recommend it.

Certainly, you should get some couple's counseling to help guide you through this process. Caring for two aging parents in the same home is challenging for anyone. For a newly married couple, this seems to be asking a lot. Please look at all options before deciding how to proceed. Get input from clergy, caregiver supports groups (Alzheimer's Assn.) or other places. Talk it over carefully and make a "plan B" should you choose to live with the parents. Please move carefully. Best wishes to all of you.
Carol

If your MIL is bedridden and you and/or your husband to be work, you definitely need to hire more care. There is no way you could live elsewhere with her in this condition and the Father with dementia. He could unintentionally do anything to cause the house to catch on fire, blow a gas pipe, flood the basement, etc. I think it's great that you are marrying a great guy who respects his parents enough to be doing this for them, it should show you how he would take care of YOU if something were to happen to you. Somebody needs to be there to watch over things at all times and make sure MIL is well taken care of. Even hiring a "babysitter" to come and sit with them once a week will give you both time to regroup and keep the romance hot and heavy! Blessings on your marriage!

Amyjoy,
I hope you take all the information given you to heart, because that is the way it is intended.
As an RN and a seasoned care giver and a woman, my heart goes out to you. this is a very difficult situation to be in.
You are in love and I am sure that marriage is very important to you. I believe that you have concerns and that is why you are on this forum.
So first, let me say, you are wise to ask these questions. Marriage is hard enough for 2 people to start and work a relationship. You are starting with a built in family of BIG responsibility.

My first suggestion to you is to have a family meeting and get a clear understanding of what is expected as far as the future health care needs and plans for the parents. One thing many care givers do not realize when they start the journey is- that it is a commitment that may be months to as long as 20 years. Yes, 20 years. or longer.
So, I encourage every care giver to have a family meeting to determine what the senior family members want and expect from their family caregivers.
This works 2 ways- the family care giver needs to let the senior family member know just what their limits are- like, hey, you start to become incontinent of stool and I cannot deal with that , I need to get more help in the house- or it will be time for other arrangements.

I think that it is also important that family caregivers discuss importance of their own time off- vacations, weekends etc.

You may think I am silly, but, trust me, I speak from experience. After you hash this out, you put it in writing and everyone signs it. This is better for everyone.

I hope this gives you some ideas. BTW, family meetings should be a regular thing.

Diane

Amy,

His guilt issue really needs for him to address with I suggest a trained therapist. I might sound picky or like a nay sayer, but from what I've observed of both male and female spouses, it is a marriage saver to explore and deal with. I appreciate how open you have been in sharing with us and how open you have been to the input here plus telling us how you and he are responding to this. Since, you are 30 I assume, that you have been working and living on your own, and standing on your own two feet so to speak. Ok, here's the gutsy questions that I find bubbling up inside of me. Has he lived some where other than in the house with them? For how long and doing what? How old is he and how long has he held his current job? Has he ever been married before or had broken engagements and if so, why? Is this fear of them feeling abandoned when for sure they must realize this is a normal step in life? Is is guilt mixed with fear over having a life on the upswing when theirs is on the downswing which is just part of the human life span thing? Or is this guilt mixed with both fear and a very strong under toe of obligation that it is his job to make as well as keep mom and dad as happy as possible, but if they are happy then it is all his fault? I'm not asking for your answers here. I'm just asking questions for possible consideration.