Manipulative mother-in-law who lives with me. Any advice for this situation? - AgingCare.com

Manipulative mother-in-law who lives with me. Any advice for this situation?

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My mother in law moved in with us 4 years ago. I have tried over the years to be patient and tolerant. She is very manipulative and is mean to me especially when my husband is not home. She will cook food and tell me what is for him and what I am allowed to have. She ruins most holidays as she knows they are important to me and holds me responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened to her since she has lived with us. Trust me...nothing really bad has happened. She has 3 grandsons...ages 16, 11 and 9. The younger 2 she only refers to as "those boys" and not by their names. She is like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. When my husband comes home from work she will welcome him with open arms and greet him at the door. If I get home before him she will shut the door in my face and go about her business. If I say anything to her about her passive aggressive behavior toward me in front of my husband, she will lie and ignore me. He will support me whenever I say anything.

I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I adore my husband and know this is hard on him as well. I had a wonderful relationship with his father in law, who on his death bed told me that someday she would have to live with us and she is extremely difficult to live with.Their marriage was a rocky road due to her mood swings which I am so fortunate to now have to endure. I've tried being kindness, patience, civility, silence, yelling..you name it. Nothing stops her from being mean to anyone. If you ask her to do something, she will deliberately do what you ask her not to do even when my husband asks.

Does anybody have any advice for this situation? I just am at the end of my rope. She is 85 and extremely overbearing. She can also not live alone.

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UpsetinFL, she is not going to change. You need to have a discussion with your husband, maybe with a counsellor to keep things on track. This should not be about your MIL. This should be about you and what you need to do to be able to care properly for your family.
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teeniejade, it is not a good idea to put your email or other personal information on a site like this.

Why don't you tell us more about your situation? Plenty people here know a lot about manipulative parents, and/or alcoholic parents. Maybe start a new thread with your concerns. If you want to have one-on-one conversations, you can also do that here, through private messages.

Do you have any local support? Do you belong to a caregiver support group? Do you have family members who are helpful? Are you seeing a therapist? I believe that you feel like you are going crazy! Get all the support you can.
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You cant change her and shes ruining your family live. What's more important?
Taking care of her or your family? Once you answer that you'll know what to do
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If $ is an issue, there are board and care homes where your MIL can have 1/2 a room and 3 squares a day for not too much money. Even if it means taking a 2nd job, it might be worth it to get the woman out. You are teaching your children a lesson about it being acceptable to be taken advantage of. Not the best lesson for them to see. Kind insistence on her moving including visiting several spots and packing her bags for her, perhaps when she's out of the house.
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I agree. She should move if she can't treat you and your boys with respect. No one should tolerate such abuse. Assisted living can see to her needs.
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You've put up with this for FOUR years?! OMG! That is about three and half years too long, given the circumstances.

Time to look for alternative housing for her.
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She needs to move out and be in assisted living if she cannot live by herself. There is no obligation for you to have her live with you if she is treating you and your sons badly. It sounds like your husband is supportive. Four years is long enough.
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