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First I want to clarify the variable of whether or not the person was this way (manipulative and negative) BEFORE the disease. Yes, very much so.
If it's so out of the patient's character to begin with (before) you know it's the disease (after). What about the one's who were controlling and manipulative before the onset? And now it seems they are using the disease as a reason to justify their behavior? I'm talking higher brain functioning here.... remembering consistently ONLY the wrong thing to do, consistently doing ONLY the very thing you have asked them not to do. When an opportunity to do the wrong thing in a situation doesn't come up for awhile and then does, NEVER accidentally making the RIGHT choice. I guess that's what it comes down to. It seems her intent is negative by choice because she NEVER "accidentally" gets it right. Consistency and intent. IF a patient with Alzheimer's is consistent in every way with the execution of getting it wrong, does it not imply that they can therefore be consistent in the other direction? And Yes, I'm talking about a person who was a mean, nasty and manipulative person before the disease. Those are the ones we have to talk about honestly and quit muddling up the discussion by grouping them in with the one's who were never like that before the disease. It warrants honest discussion and clarification.

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If you cannot connect via a router, then you may try finding a spy camera that is self contained that can shoot video for a couple of hours at least. It would really be great if you could do this via the computer however as you could "check in" randomly during the day. If you had a problem with your router and others hacking in, there is a way to select only your computer which will not allow others to access the internet via your router....of course you probably know more about this than I do. I have just been dealing with this myself is why I mention it.

Is your Mom ever lucid and does she ever actually say things like, "Oops sorry, it must be the dementia!" Does she really say things like this?

I don't know the facts about stroke induced dementia so I hate to say something that may not be true. But I just feel like she may be playing you at least to a degree. Is she taken care of in a facility? If so, I would ask them to keep an eye on her and to please see if they thought she was putting on a show.

If you are caring for her at home, is she manipulating you with the dementia scenario to keep you with her or at her beckon call? Wow so many questions. I really think that somehow you need to be able to watch her and see if her actions are consistent or vary widely depending on who is around her....showtiming as "margarets" put it.

My mother tries her hardest to be normal when we go to see the doctor, but if he would spend longer than 10 minutes with her he would see that she in NOT normal but forgets she was even in the doctors office by the time we get home which takes about 10 minutes.

I hope you can work this out and not be held hostage by her if she is indeed faking it!
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I don't think you will get a clear answer because we still understand so little about dementia. It makes perfect sense that someone who is already nasty and manipulative would use their disease to excuse their behaviour. People with dementia can be remarkably consistent, e.g. "showtiming". So, I'd say you have a situation that could go either way.
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Yes, you got it right, yes I was pussy footing around and thanks for saying it like I was unable to. I have thought about the camera and the only reason I haven't done it is because I connect only through a modem and not a router. My router was connected "insecurely" or signal "open" awhile ago and the nightmare that followed (I'm in a small town with a college university thus surrounded by poor students) keeps me from connecting a router again. Any suggestions of how I can do it without router capabilities? Her diagnosis is "stroke induced dementia" which I think adds to my beliefs that you clarified so well. I am not entirely sure if medically this can or does change anything, I'm still researching the subject. Anyway, thanks again.
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Your question is written in a way that makes it a bit difficult to understand and thus answer. I think you were trying to be kind in the way you stated the question. My father use to call it "Pussy footin around." Whatever it is, if I am understanding you, your parent is believed to have Alzheimer's and this parent has been negative and manipulative all their lives and basically made your life hell. Now that they have the diagnosis of Alzheimer's you think they may be manipulating the situation again and clearly only doing the WRONG thing in every situation thereby manipulating the situation and you and of course they still have the mental capacity to say, "Gee it must be the disease I have." I hope I am correct because that is what I am going to base my answer on.

You are in a heck of a situation. A friend of mine about 7 years ago was in your exact shoes. Her mother was placed in an expensive Alzheimer's living facility. She swears her mother would be fine when she walked into her room and they sat and conversed but when the doctor hit the door this woman became mentally incompetent. She swore it was all a put on, but I could not understand why this woman would want to be hospitalized in an Alzheimer's facility if she was not ill.

My own mother has dementia, but as you said, given a 50/50 chance of getting something right, she does do things right on occasion. I think any person would at least get something right part of the time.

Therefore if your parent is not severely ill with Alzheimer's I too would be suspicious of them getting every single thing they do wrong. Honestly what are the chances. Have they ever done something wrong then said, "Oh it must be the Alzheimers?" If they have chances are they are playing you in my opinion.

In all honesty all of us who have parents with Alzheimer's or Dementia have at times wondered if we were being "played" by our parents. The thing is at times they seem absolutely lucid and normal and in 5 minutes may be throwing money in the trash can. There are times that will make you go crazy because you believe nothing is wrong with them. This is a problem I have with my sister, she acts like my Mom is acting the way she does on purpose and that she is actually fine. I however take care of Mom and know that she is NOT FINE. I see the ups and downs and it does make me crazy, but I am getting so much better in seeing what really is happening.

Have you ever taped your Mom when you are not around, like with a spy cam to see how she acts? You might want to do this to see for yourself what is happening when you are not around. If she is dancing the jig and planning her next move, then you know she is playing you, in which case she needs psychiatric help for sure and you need to walk away.
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Thanks, in the end it always is about us (specifically, me) and not "them" isn't it?
I know what your saying is right. I also know doing it will be difficult but I'm getting started....thanks.
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I can't answer your question, but I can sympathize. I know it is hard to take care of someone who was consistently negative before needing help. It adds an extra dimension of difficulty to caregiving. People always say avoid people who drag you down, but you can't. You are the caregiver. Keep as much emotional distance as you can. Be kind, but distant. Show no emotion when the patient "gets it wrong". Kindly correct the patient. Showing irritation, or worse yet loosing your temper only encourages the manipulative types. Develop a series of pat answers off the top of your head. Even practice. "Hmm" " You don't say?" and "Really" spoken very evenly are options. Good luck
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