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Mother is 77. Healthy. Refuses to accept it. She had a long addiction and heavy use of Xanax that has ended. But lies, manipulates to get it back, which is part of addiction. She is down to 3 doses of the lowest possible amount. She is dispensed medicine from a machine to keep her away from the Xanax. She refuses to take her antidepressants and other medications. She insists they make her sick. She is diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. She whines and groans of false pains to avoid meds. Her health has been checked from top to bottom regularly. No issues not even a cataract. The mood disorders are life time. The manipulation and lies lifetime. Grandmother was the same way. Mother swore us two daughters to never let her behave like her.


She began it early. Grandmother trained her well. Hide pills under tongue. Get sick at holidays so families are forced to visit. Only one daughter lives close and the other is disabled 2 hours away. Me. I was called in by aunts to control Grandmother when they could not get any cooperation. I had to treated her with tough love. Mother knows this is how I will treat her and has had me removed from all information. While I was sitting next to her. "I don't want her contacted ever." Thanks mom love you too. But my sister isn't as direct. Mother melts in her arms. They had a strained relationship for 52 years. I am still very active in her care from a distance as she is too much for 5 people to handle let alone just one. She remarried and his view is she is grown and can't be forced. Our father was more like me and saw that it was accomplished. Her new husband is abusive verbally. His personality has changed likely due to a stroke. We visit he calls the police. I visit when he is hospitalized and watch her take 20 mg of Xanax in 2 hours. He calls and has me thrown from the premises.it is a big mess. She went to a behavior center for 10 days. They state it is the worst anxiety they ever saw.


My sister is younger and told of a normal life and childhood. I had to drive back and explain the abuse from her Mother, her mental health my years at home, her abandoning my disabled sister. Finally hope is seen. Yet here she is. We know she isn't taking her meds. She demands each be identified. Not so she knows for knowledge but she knows what not to take. She doesn't have dementia or Alzeheimers. Her husband thinks she does so she deliberately asks dumb questions to feed this thought. He hates lights on and cabinet doors open. She leaves them open and lights on because he hates it so much. We don't know what to do. We are desperate for help, she is very competent. Considerably healthier than me. Her behavior effects us girls, spouses, and kids. We are desperate for ideas.

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wvavet. I understand!! It is maddening that a doctor prescribed my Mom 4 10mg Xanax a day. That isn't a strength anyone needs. If she were 20 they would not hesitate to call her an addict. A drug seeker. But because she can go and be stressed to them they worry about her hyper anxiety. My Grandmother's drug of choice was Valium. She took it into her 90's. No one would agree Grandmother was an addict just like my Mother is today. Having a chronic illness with high pain levels my family is quick to call me an addict. Doctors assure me there is a difference in a pain Med for quality of life and addiction. I have been assured by numerous that in no way would I ever be addicted. Yet there are those who use the same drug that become addicted. I am highly monitored. When my Mom took 10mg at 7 and another at 9 in the morning I new that if she takes 20mg every two hours she is abusing and taking far more than the 4 per day. She has 24 hours and she took half in 2 hours. I KNOW elderly deserve good care. An addict has no age. No racial bias. No economic bias. She is an addict. Fentynol isn't necessary for cancer pain and many with my disorder. I cannot go their as I do not want the dependence. I do not want to loose control. My need to maintain control is far greater. I do not know what it will take for medical professionals to stop supporting their addiction. I know my Mom changed doctors 8 times to avoid AntiDepressanta. Changed another 6 until she got her precious Xanax. My sister tried the placebo effect. Her health did improve and she gained her weight back. But if my sister wasn't crawled up in her lap she would take Xanax. I stay away due to her addiction and the never ending personal attacks. I discussed a girl I hated in high school over 30 years ago but like now, bro in law stated he still hates her. My Mom starts shouting that all I do is hate hate hate. Sadly this idiotic behavior makes me laugh at its stupidity and quiz her on her logic. Which makes her madder. So the visits stopped. I have been trying to get my sister to listen regarding tough love. She will not. I have to step further back and wait for her to make that conclusion on her own. Meanwhile. I am willing to be disowned and trashed if they leave me out of the loop.
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Let her go. Maybe when she's gone you can have a better relationship with your sister.
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Just wanted to say my 72 yr old mom is dying from overprescribed fetanyl and zanex too. Both of which caused cirhosis of liver. In hospital this week STILL threatened suicide by pulling her iv out if she didnt get her zanex! I give up...good luck to u.
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I admit that by 30 I realized I was on the same path as my Mom and Grandmother. I medicated. I then had the unmediated family against me. They attacked often. Emails were ignored. They knew. Mother decides to message me in the comments as I had to see them. I created a filter and never saw another. She falsified an email sent it out to family as from me that I had said she was dead to me. For years I wondered why people had quit communicating with me. My sister in anger told me to apologize. I was clueless. Decades of counseling I learned to step back into big girl shoes and walk away. I went last year to visit friends and cousins. Mother looked like her next breathe would be her last. She wasn't eating. She looked dead. Her husband had these fits to have us thrown off the property. He insisted it was Alzheimer's he still does. I went back when he was gone hoping to see normal behavior away from him only to find her prescribed 10mg of Xanax 4x a day. Yet she was taking more. I called an ambulance. Thus my black ball from Mother. If sister is medicated we do fine. She had called yesterday to complain about it. I haven't been back in a year. Doubt I go back this year. It is toxic. I will not allow myself to be in it. My sister is stuck caring for her. It comes down to letting her kill her self or baby her. It gets crazy. I thank you all. This is wise advice. My Mother is manipulating the doctor, my sister and her husband. She wrote me off as She knows I will not be a victim. I need to teach my sister the same. She tells us she wants to divorce him he is mean. Then it is he will divorce her unless he has power of attorney. Yet I have heard her say to him that she loves him and that I am making up lies. Then turns and chews me out for making up stories. She also has told me since our father died of each penny she has given my sister. She told me I would get it back when she died and that hers will be shorted. I told her I wasn't fighting her battles and to forget that. Last year I was sick of all the stories about my sister. I made her talk. She was furious and told me I was causing problems. Talking isn't problems. Well our eyes opened up. She had been telling me lies about my sister. She willingly gave her the money it wasn't stolen or not paid back. Mother also lied to her about me (like the I am dead to her). Her Mother did this to her sisters. I have lived away from her most of my adult life. My sister was always close at hand. I had to wait for my sister to be medicated and attacked before she realized Mother had a serious issue. I had tried for over a decade and was attacked that I had the problem. Me completely withdrawing from the family helped my sister realize there might be an issue. When I was young I moved overseas and never wanted to come back. LOL I have big girl shoes and panties and I leave.
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I'm sorry. Having a mother with mood disorders had to be tough growing up. However she has the right to not medicate herself. You might be addicted to her drama. My advice to you would be to get therapy for yourself. You can't control your mom. You can't get back what you didn't get as a child. You can practice the tough love with yourself. You can learn to let her go and let her life and yours unfold. If in the future you are called back in after the husband has passed or moved on, you'll be better able to help your family if you choose to. Your example of taking good care of yourself will benefit your sisters and your aunts. Don't withdraw out of anger but with acceptance.
It's great your mother has found a way to get off of the Xanax.
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Yes, we as people need to learn to step away from situations that are hurting us and are out of our control. I understand that you have some loyalty but remember that you are not a victim if you do not allow yourself to be. You cannot be manipulated if you do not allow yourself to be. Step away............eventually your mother will figure it out.
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Give her all the Xanax she needs and keep your distance. Maybe get your own meds for the depression/anger/resentment that you harbor. I'm not sure what you are trying to punish her for, but you have to let it go before it eats you up.
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I agree, too. And if you take that advice, I can't see how your mother's behaviour will continue to affect you, your sister, your children or your spouses.
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I agree. If she is competent, she can make her own decisions regarding her health and medication. I would not attempt to interfere. Some people do not want help, support or guidance. They may be their own worst enemy, but, I'm not aware of how to prevent that. Being around her sounds like a lot of drama and danger. I'd be very careful of that.
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Why are you involved with this toxic person? Really. Why?

As you state, she is competent to make her own decisions. Step away. Live your life.
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