Man pursuing my Mom in Alzheimer's Assisted Living, Staff and admin are not concerned!

I understand your concern. While it's very common for people with dementia to engage in sexual behaviors they wouldn't have otherwise, I think, from my experience with my mother's memory care facility, that your mother's facility staff should pay a bit more attention. Here is what happened when my mother was "caught" half undressed with a man: the facility sent her to the E.R. to be examined (she has brittle bones); the facility insisted that the man's family hire an aide 24 hours a day to make sure he didn't try anything with other residents (he had his eyes on several); and the staff tried hard to redirect them. I think the E.R. visit was extreme, and I refused an internal exam for her. I also don't think it was fair that the man's family had to pay for private aides. But at least the facility was paying attention. I talked about their protocol with the facility director, and she explained that they have to keep in mind that some female residents never had a sexual partner, some would not welcome it in their former lives, and some were not heterosexual. In my book "Inside the Dementia Epidemic: A Daughter's Memoir" I write about this episode and how I encouraged the facility staff to both be understanding and patient with this kind of behavior, and keep a watchful eye.

Well you have some choices: (1) remove your mother and hire someone to stay in her or your own personal home 24/7 to care for her. That will resolve the issue of a man visiting/companionship. (2) report the NH for having locks on the patients room and keep hounding them (3) If your mother doesn't want to be rude to him by asking him to leave, then you need to again speak with the NH people and keep hounding (4) its a disease of the mind and will only get worse, she might do some things later that she never would ever do in her normal lifespan, but when the mind detiorates(?) it has been replaced with other notions, thoughts, actions. And just because she is/was a Christian and would never do anything like that out of marriage, its her mind taking control over the actions she is now performing. But seriously, I don't think anyone was being rude to your post, just expressing what they might be dealing with and trying to help you understand. I too have a father in declining issues of the mind and with the help of this forum I have recognized I cannot change anything, I have no control over that and neither does your mom. Just make sure she stays safe and love her. But if it bothers you that bad with the NH, either take her out like I mentioned in (1) OR move her to another facility.

Contacting social services was a good idea. The locked doors is a safety issue. I'm sure this has been very scarey and confusing for you. As my Mom changes, I've learned to accept her likes and dislikes, which are often different than they were before. The bottom line is to get the security issues and response by the facility fixed, through social services, or think of moving her elsewhere. Let your Mom tell you how she feels about the gentleman and if she's not comfortable, the facility should take action. Love her for who she is now and don't have any expectations of who she should be. Acceptance of the changes in her personality will give you much more peace and allow you to focus on loving her unconditionally.

I'd find her another place like the one Anne mentioned...even if it was further. It sounds like the facility considers them as a couple.

You've gotten some very thoughtful answers on here; I'm sorry you didn't like some of them. When I read about your mom, I immediately thought of Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, whose husband with Alzheimers developed a new love while in the nursing home. If you Google her name and 'husband love' you can read about it. She was happy he had found companionship, which made his Alzheimers more bearable for him and his family. One of the quotes from one of the articles about it: "Lisa O'Toole, manager at the assisted-living facility, said there are three romances among the center's 48 residents. She described the relationships as almost childlike, with the couples holding hands, hugging or simply having dinner together."

Since your mom's current facility doesn't seem to share your concern, and it seems like institutionally they're not set up to honor your wishes (locks on the doors), I'd look for another place for mom if it was me and I had your views and beliefs. I'm not religious, but I would believe that a compassionate God would understand your mom's situation. I'd only be concerned if your mom really didn't want to participate in whatever was happening and didn't have the capacity to say no or resist. Then I'd be bent out of shape and looking to get her somewhere else.



I totally agree with others that there shouldn't be locks on doors in an Alzheimer's unit. That's just ridiculous. I agree with the other comment that maybe you should find another facility that respects your wishes and keeps the men and women apart as far as their sleeping situations go.

I am very surprised that a locked memory care unit would allow doors that lock. My FIL is in a locked memory unit, and the doors do not even hook closed. It is for safety reasons. Also, the unit my FIL is in has men on one side of the hallway, and women on the other. They are not allowed to go into each other's rooms. There are many reasons for this. My FIL has a woman that has attached herself to him and they enjoy all the group activities and meals together. Nothing wrong with that. You are obviously as uncomfortable with this as I would be. Could you search for a better facility that has accommodations that would make you feel your mother is safe? I do not think it can be considered "consensual" if they don't know what they're doing anymore. It's like taking advantage of a child, because they have the mind of a child. My mother had Alzheimer's and was like a three year old. Her favorite activity at the facility was a bubble bath. She would giggle like a little girl at all the bubbles. My father would have been very upset if the facility allowed locked doors and men in the women's rooms. It just isn't right when they can no longer make rational decisions by themselves. You want to protect your mother, and I can only see that as a good thing.

Well, I am guessing you feel badly because your mother would "in her right mind" never do this sort of thing. Right? But, she is not in her right mind. And I am guessing God already knows this. So maybe, this is just a time to not be so judgmental and let this go.

I had a neighbor who had Alzheimer's. He went into a nursing home, fell in love with a woman and who knows what went on. His wife was fine with it. The man she knew and loved was long gone.

Other than safety issues, I would let it go if she is happy.

I agree that there shouldn't be a lock on your mom's door for safety's sake. That's ridiculous.

I understand where you're coming from. Take all the details out of the equation and it's probably a good idea for a NH to have a rule about spending time in other residents rooms. You're clearly not in agreement that it's ok where your mom is concerned and you're frustrated at the lack of action the NH is taking to prohibit this.

Having said that and having been a member on this forum for a long time I don't think anyone was deliberately being condescending. You ended your initial post with "Any advice would be great." But later you amended that to wanting advice from "like-minded individuals". I'm sorry we disappointed you but you seem like a woman of strong spiritual convictions who doesn't need reassurance that the actions you're taking are right. If you object to your mom being alone with this guy and you don't want her to be in a delicate situation that may enable her to behave in a way she wouldn't ordinarily behave if she didn't have dementia then you know what the right thing is and you're taking steps to ensure that your mom is not taken advantage of. My dad was in a nursing home and when we had a big problem I had to bang on a lot of doors and make a lot of noise to get any kind of a resolution. You may have to do the same.

From one Christian to another allow me to say that your mom may enjoy her friendship with this man. When our loved ones have dementia or ALZ we have to make all kinds of adjustments because their personality changes, sometimes daily. Trying to hold our loved ones to previously held beliefs and standards is a losing battle and in direct contradiction to the disease. Before her dementia set in maybe she loved chicken. Now that she has ALZ maybe she hates it. Just an example of how the personality of our loved ones changes. With dementia and ALZ everything we ever knew or believed about our loved one goes right out the window. This is the new normal. And if your mom finds contentment sharing company with this man why is that so wrong? I don't think spending time behind closed doors is a good idea in a NH just for this reason. You're her daughter and you object and your objection should be heard and respected but bigger picture? I don't see anything wrong with it.

If you need support because you are caring for your mom this is the place to be. You won't find better or more caring support anywhere on the internet. And if you don't care for the advice you can come to just vent. But if you just need people to agree with you then this probably isn't the best site since we all have our opinions and our experiences that we share with eachother without judgement or condemnation.

I posted this (Yes) for comments- and input.. I agree Mom should have a say in her happiness- when I ask her, she says enjoys his friendship- but dosent think he has any place to go- is why she allows him to stay in her room. And she said she did not know how to ask him to go without being rude. Therein lies her true feelings, a friendship is what she seeks. (Not intimacy) Supervison is what I seek to see that she gets what she wants. Being Christians as my Mother and I are- iregardless of disease, to honor what my Mother's moral standards are and have been and is still able to articulate to me is what I want.. We value morality within marriage- Outside if that- it is displeasing to God- Will I sit here and debate accountability for them? No, That is for God- will I pretend to know what his decision would be, (No) I would hope that from what I know of his character, he would not hold it against her due to the disease and altered judgement.. I do find some of the comments above condecending and actually making light of both Mom and I my moral values(also divorced and sex-free) several years myself and content. We believe God created Man and Woman for intimate relationship- when in marriage.. On a basic level, neither one of these individuals have the cognitive ability to make those decisions (I am a nurse by the way) my pofessional opinion as well as her daughter --
This is an issue of the moral fiber of my Mom, for the entire 50 years I have been her daughter, abstaining is what she would choose.then and now. Protecting that is what I am supposed to be doing.. while still allowing a friendship- Staff's job is to supervise to see this is accomplished. Debating God's morality and our content within that guideline isnt what I was looking for here in my post.. I am looking for (like-minded) individuals who have dealt with this and have found support or ideas/suggestions.. Mabe this is just not the forum to take it to?

God created a man and a woman for a reason. If their companionship is not harming each other, what is wrong with them enjoying each other's company? Your mother should be allowed to have some choices if it does not hurt.

First I can not believe there is a lock on the door. Next time I visit I would be tempted to take a screwdriver and remove it. That is definitely a safety issue.
Now to your other issue. What is the worse thing that can happen other than him murdering her in her locked room. They may have sex. You would not be the first relative who has removed their loved one from a facility because they had found a new partner and were enjoying some happiness in their final otherwise bleak years. Some people even get married. Your mother is no longer married and may have said she was happily sex free but remember part of this disease is the loosing of inhibitions Being a minister has nothing to do with it, she enjoyed 30 years of marriage and must have had sex at least once to conceive you.
You and others may find my reply offensive and believe those old people must be prevented from sexual activity at all costs. That is your right but please consider the happiness of your loved one. Have you noticed that she has become more content with her lot since she began this friendship?
I will leave you with the information that Ruth Batter -Ginsberge the Supreme Court Justice (hope I spelt her name correctly) has a husband who is in the advanced stages of this dreadful disease and no longer recognizes her. He is cared for in a facility and has formed a relationship with another woman. This compassionate and wise woman has given her blessing to this friendship.