Man pursuing my Mom in Alzheimer's Assisted Living, Staff and admin are not concerned!

I go there every other day.. Its a 40 mile round trip for me.. since April-- its taking a toll on my older vehicle cost me over $1700 in repairs and gas expense is horrible.. But what can I do-- Its my Mom.. I shudder when I think about all those other elders with no family to look out for them as I do for my Mom.. Yes, I wish I had taken pics and had a staff person come look before I began cleaning.. Its just so automatic.. The Nurse + Daughter kicked in..Just clean this up quick! I need to focus on a paper trail now.. making one!

They want u to do their job. You're going to have to do what I've read other posters had to do. You will need to go there daily and supervise, clean after her, etc. I wished that you had taken some photos of the mess and of that man being undressed. Do you have a strong male friend? I noticed that mechanics, waitress, stewardess, etc.. seem to pay more attention them than us females.

OK - that's it - I've had it!! Time to call in the troops. I say we gang up on them and get something done now!! When is the next plane to VA? Who's with me???
Geesh, Helen - I don't know how you are standing up under this nightmare! Really wish we could come and help you out! Hope this bit of levity at least makes you smile.

It's 3:30pm.. Sent Admin email detailing the events.. no call return email or contact made by him.. I checked w/ desk and the floors were cleaned according to her.. Nurse Admin, knew nothing- No Communication in that place.. Spoke to Umbudsman & Licensing.. Umbudsman calling Admin today- and Licensing took all data, names, dates- the facility is on 6 mos Provisional License- so.. they are being watched closely.. Sigh.. trying not to freak out.. No place else for Mom to go.. All the (Self Pays) are playing hard ball

I take it this man is private pay so even though they can't handle him, he is higher on the totem pole. That is so unacceptable. If that happened to my mother after I have already met with administation, my hair would be on fire. How can they leave a mess like like for over 3 hours!! Disgusting! They have a serious problem with the staff. Things like that (accidents) do happen unfortunately, but they should be addressed immediately. And, they are still not following the plan the director agreed to. It's time to escalate it further. Hang in there.

Take photos of mess on your cell phone, document everything, include as part of your complaint. Write a journal of your mom's stay. When requesting for help on anything, write down their names as you log each entry. Keep the journal simple but descriptive. No emotional info as much as possible. Date time, whom you spoke to and the results. Download photo from cell phone to your computer or "cloud" and document. Down the future, if your mom catches CDIF, you have proof of unsanitery and what you did to correct the problem and how NH did Nothing. Document, document, document.

They had to move her to a private room last month- due to a failed attempt at moving a room mate into her old semi private -- Mom pushed her out and locked the door- she thinks the person is lost and invading her room.. Staff apparently not able to handle it.. so they just moved mom to private.. But Admin said last week- he has people asking about private-- and since Medicaid dosent compensate for private rooms- she will have to eventually have to have a roommate and move out .. of the private. Its so crazy-- and yes.. Mom dosent make it any easier with her fears! :-(

What is so flooring to me is.. Staff dosen't think its a big deal? Why not? They are just like.. well.. he wanders and they all go in others rooms and that's just the way it is.. and Mom tells the staff to get out-- when they try to interfere with having him leave her room- and they are not supposed to 'violate' her wishes or privacy-- What? My Mom dosent go in others rooms.. yes.. she is a little more high functioning.. But she dosent tolerate room mates-- she tries to kick them out .. she is territorial about her room.. locks the door constantly - that's why this is so (unlike her).. and its really because.. of long periods of time where there is No activity for her-- and shes not taken down stairs-- and too much idle time.. the staff isn't communicating to her.. or supervising.. I think the residents may be hungry-- and most definitely bored! Yes.. this is a health hazard!

This is beyond crazy! Call Ombudsman, file a formal complaint with Medicaid, call in the Board of Health, call the local news channel !! Demand a new room for your Mom, and write up a formal letter as her POA, barring this man from entering your Mom's room. He now constitutes a health hazard to her as well. Maybe call the police and get a restraining order against the man. I wouldn't hold back from throwing the book at this place. Hope you can get her out of there very soon.

I came by to pick her up to go out to the zoo today after church.. Found the Man had been in her room (Unsupervised) again.. He had a Loose Stool explosion.. all over her bathroom, floor, carpet, bed, chair, and left a poopy sock in her trash- then took one of hers and was wearing it.. It took me 30 minutes to try and clean and disinfect.. with Lysol wipes, and an old washrag.. I took her out- asking that they get housekeeping in there while we were gone- I was gone 3 hrs-- came back to Nothing done! Its so frustrating! Also after telling the now evening shift about it.. (Day shift left without sayin a word) I find out.. Mom and the Man were locked in her room last night and refused to come out for supper-- Neither one ate supper? I was then furious.. What is with these aides ? Why do they not know how to negotiate with ALZ disease? U bait them with something they would like.. They could have told Mom I was calling.. or even called me.. I have given them permission.. you know why no call? Ill tell you why.. because they were allowing her to babysit him.. for them! again.. and have been told not to let him stay in there unsupervised.. Well- so.. now.. Mom has crap all over her room, carpet, rocker everywhere.. no matter what you do-- you cant sanitize that out very well--Believe me.. if I could move her I would. (Long Story) but mostly, since she is 'Medicaid' pay- choices ZIP! this place is on 6 mos 'provisional' license.. due to several violations.. I'm notifying my Umbudsman tomorrow .. after talking to the Admin.

I would do exactly what you are doing. I have a mom in a retirement home. She has had a friend for maybe 40 years who has visited her occasionally all those years. She has been widowed twice, and now is in obvious dementia. The old friend has helped her mentally, by giving her someone besides me to care. I am afraid she might be thinking of marrying him to get out of the "home". I know she loves him as a friend, and vice versa, but I seriously doubt he would take on the responsibility of 24/7 care of her. He has his own problems. (I may be on here in a few months asking " should I let her marry him?"). God forbid I should have to go through the last 6 months of getting her in a home, helping her get caught up on doctor visits, glasses, and a hearing aid, and deal with her confusion and rebellion over having to be widowed, lose her home, income and car, plus having me put her in this "prison". She is 87, and doing much better and becoming more accepting of her situation. If she left there and was widowed again or the dementia got more than he could handle, I would have to go through all this again, I say NO WAY! But as I said before, I would do everything I could to keep things on a friendship basis only.

Thank You All for such warm responses.. Since posting, I had a meeting with the administrator- I followed it up with an email- getting him to respond to each item we discussed in (writing) also. His standpoint is- yes they should be redirected as much as possible when alone in room- and when in group setting, fine to show attention/friendship etc. The issue with my Mom being unwillingly confused about staff asking him to come out of her room once he is there- will take some practice in luring with a good reason- to interest them .. Which can be done if staff is willing.. Admin vowed to continue to work on this with staff thru training and meetings to share what works. I was able to get him to also set up an emergency key at the desk right outside her door- and more keys to staff, not just med tech.. I want a lock on her door- I welcome it, due to people men/women that roam in.. even at night while she may be sleeping.. She is very paranoid that way- asks me about the door there is it locked several times an evening- She did this at home in my house too- and reclosed the blinds over and over..Locked door is comforting to her.. I have no problem with it- as long as she herself isnt locked out all day, and keys are not available readily.. Looks like we may have met half way on that.
As far as Mom's ability to retain her faith and values- she totally does- she is acting as a minister even to this very day in the facility.. she prays, sings and helps everyone she can coming and going everywhere.. Staff and resident alike.
She reads christian books, literature and her Bible daily.. She prays for me on the phone as I pray for her, we sing hymns together and she can still remember the words of many of them, as well as play them on her portable keyboard- My Son joins in on his violin sometimes.. My Golden Retriever (Katie) comes to visit her weekly, she helped me raise her from a puppy 3 yrs ago. My Mom has a deep love for Jesus (Not religion) as do I in my heart- I believe and have faith that love will (Never) die due to ALZ. I see her going home to be with Jesus in heaven and she and I professing his love and singing all the way.. as she exits... God has undertaken and done extreme miracles in my life and watched him do it in her life.. present and past.. He never changes.. So, I speak to all of you reading- Have faith in God and regardless of what you see with your natural eye here, the loss, the pain, the deterioration of your loved one- God in you and them is the 'only hope' of glory! That glory and new mind, body is to come! My Mothers name is very fitting for her.. its *Hope :-) My Name Helen, means "Light"- I pray that all of you be comforted by God (One true God) and that Jesus be welcomed into your heart, so that you to can have relationship you were created to have and if your Mom or Dad dosent know him, that you would be the one to introduce them. How wonderful it would be! My Mother and I share this common love for Jesus, and when I call her every morning as Im getting ready to do right now- I Encourage her, pray for her, sing to/with her.. and I pray for protection, and God's peace to cover her every day.. Its calming to her, and she responds with several "Amens".. I trust God thru this journey.. 100%.. I also listened to many of your comments, advice.. I have been looking for other facilities..long story on that.. She is (Medicaid) and there are few ALZ AL availble in this area.. that will deal with Medicaid. It is a complete miracle of God she obtained both Grant & Waiver $ *The 1st in my entire area to do so and be placed in Assisted Living from the outside..) there are some grant cases for people already living in AL that have exhausted funds.. But My Mother is 1st from outside (Lived with me) The Facility she is in *Never took anything but Self Pay.. But, with the help of God moving hearts/minds to cooperate.. Wonderful people at Medicaid, the Grant & Waiver & SSI she has over $2700/mo funds available. God undertook to get this done and I am greatful! Although her distance is a problem for me.. so, I am pressing in to get more options open for us.. especially closer to me.. I drive over 40 mls round trip to her everyother day as it is now.. cant afford this gas.. but have to go.. She needs me.. I love her, and I go ..with a greatful heart until such time God intervenes on our behalf.. I have yielded much of my anger to him.. and in return he has supplied me with joy, and with his spirit of sharing his love.. both with Mom and everyone I meet-- Thanks for the conversations.. God Bless You All, he cares for what you are going through, and your loved ones too. :-) Ill leave you with a precious poem I founf while sorting thru my Mothers room after she moved, may it bless you as it has me.. I printed it and have it on my desk at work.. :-)
STEP BY STEP: He does not lead me year by year, Nor even day by day..But step by step my path unfolds; My Lord directs my way.. Tomorrows plans I do not know, I only know this minute; But he will say, "This is the way, by faith now walk ye in it." And I am glad that it is so, Todays enough to bear; And when tomorrow comes, His grace Shall far exceed its care. What need to worry then, or fret? The God who gave His Son Holds all my moments in His hand And gives them , one by one. - Barbara C. Ryberg

There was a time in my life that I was very religious. I followed the Bible based on God's Word. I was so happy to have found God that I shared my knowledge to those I met. Then my mom was diagnosed with dementia when I was age 23. I cried because I did not want to do so - due to my dysfunctional childhood-adulthood years. I was so angry to have to do this that I turned my back on God in that I stopped anything related with religion, bible and God. But just because I turned my back does not mean I reject all these things.

Your mom was a minister for 40 years. I was gungho into my new religion for 3 years. Your mom had 40 years of deeply ingrained beliefs in God and His principles. She not only preached about it, but lived her life accordingly.

I think you all are forgetting something. Even when my mom was 99.9% into her dementia and did not see us or recognize us, She Was Still Inside!!! If you all are observant and KNOW your parent, I bet you saw that Rare old personality. We all were there when mom had a very short few seconds in the HERE and NOW moment. She was staring at her favorite child - my oldest bro. We All saw her eyes resting on him with such intensity. You see, mom hasn't spoken or had an alert look in her eyes for years. That day, we all saw her looking at bro. Scared him silly. Then there was the times when father was physically or verbally abusing me, she became physically agitated. You see, while growing up, mom protected us from father. And sometimes, when I'm quietly talking to her, and she has this spaced out vacant look in her eyes, suddenly, tears will fall down. Towards the end of mom's life, she had tears falling down her eyes.

So, I just want to remind you all, that sometimes we may think that they're gone, but they could still be inside - the Old personality parent. So, if your mom has been a minister for 40 years, I wonder what she feels like being trapped inside her body and mind Seeing what is happening. Yes, her dementia is doing this to her, but I bet her old self is inside, trapped.

I wish you all could have read the poster here on AC who had dementia. He wrote from his perspective. He wrote how he could hear what people said about him but he could not respond because he was stuck inside, lost, trying to find his way out. So, Hvluv, go with your instincts. It's correct.

Right on, Raven!!

I am sorry but I am with you, this is not a good idea in my mind. First of all how can they possibly allow locks on the doors in an Alzheimers Facility??? Really?

Secondly, yes your Mom enjoys this man for company and she feels sorry for him, but she also said she did not know how to ask him to leave without hurting his feelings because she believe he has no place to go.......Oh yes he does, his own room, but your Mom is not of sound mind and able to realize that fact. She does have a good heart and I have no doubt that she has his best interests at heart. The thing is she realizes he should leave her room, but she is under the assumption that she is helping him by letting him stay. She is confused on this issue.

If I were you I would raise such and incredible stink that they might not realize I was indeed a Christian! To me there is absolutely no excuse for the Administration not taking care of this matter....everyone needs to stay in their own rooms. Visitation should be done in a central room where everyone is and they are supervised all the time!!! Why was he in your Mom's room without his underwear and yet his pants on? Had he pooped? Where is someone to take care of this unsanitary matter? Did he undress in front of your Mom.....probably!

In my opinion there is no excuse on earth for this being allowed. My Mom too is a Christian and has led a Christian life, I would not want this to happen to her and to possibly even be taken advantage of by this man. What if he raped her? Seriously, he could not be held responsible because he has Alzheimer's too but you could sue the pants off the facility. But would you want your Mom to go through this....I wouldn't.

When we place our parents in these facilities we place them there for care, care we are unable to give, your Mom is receiving "housing," she is just living in this facility but they are not watching out for her best interest. They are letting a free for all go on because it is easier than dealing with the patients and trying to make them abide by any rules or regulations. The chatting by the workers needs to STOP and they need to have their feet held to the coals and have to answer for their LACK OF SUPERVISION AND CARE.

Why don't you call Adult Protective Services and just have a talk with them and ask them what they think about such a policy?

As for me...my Christianity would probably fly out the window as I expressed my displeasure with what is going on as I called every agency in the book to get it stopped. You say you have no alternative, but I can tell you this, if something happens to your Mom, you are going to kick yourself in the butt for not taking action immediately even if it meant removing her from the facility. You have the knowledge of what is happening and if you do not act on it immediately, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Personally I don't care what Ruth Ginsberg says about her husband and his friendship/affair, when it comes to my mother and her lifelong values and standards, her loss of memory would only make me realize how much she needs me to assist and guide her, because she would never do this in her right mind. As a child she guided us away from this behavior when we didn't know better so why would I not do the same for her?

In stage 5 dementia will take care of stage 6. they need to have a purpose. Doors should never have a lock on patients room in any facility that I know. Dannie Butler wrote a book "My Past is Now My Future" and has worked with the elderly 34 years. Excellent book. I went to a seminar of his. I learned a lot! If your mother was a pastor, did she wear a robe when she gave a sermon? If so, put one on her and see what happens! Give her a Bible. Lannie had a NUN who started cussing. He put a Habit on her and she she stopped! He had a pastor who quit talking. He gave him a Bible and he started reading out loud passages as if he was giving a sermon! One big thing for everyone to remember is cologne and perfume! If one person smells like their loved one--watch out. Lannie had that problem with several of his patients! Support groups are excellent! You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else. Never argue with someone with dementia. They can not reason and can not relearn. You have to step into their world and valudate what ever they are talking about. 5 minutes later they will have forgotten. No one likes to be told what to do at any age. People need to feel useful and have a purpose at any age. Give them 2 choices- bath or shower, red or blue shirt. Also try and remember how they used to do things such as using a wash cloth or sponge. So much more cooperation doing things they are used to doing it! Enjoy the adventure with them not against them. Never take anything personally. It's not them, it's the disease! Knowing the rules and laws are useful when dealing with problems in a facility if they don't seem to listen to your concerns. They to learn how to redirect the other person out of her room. The staff need to step into her world, tell her they need him down the hall for something. One of the best things to remember is what did the person do in their past and use that as a tool in their care! Give a mechanic a tool box or make a walker look like a John Deer tractor, or a med cart with a basket for nurse with a basket and candy for pills (they will keep that cart near them). Check out Lannie's web site for great help. www.iatbdementiacare.com I could give a lot more suggestions for care. He was great! the book is very easy to read!

Sorry didn't have time to read all the posts so if I repeat something or miss a point I'm just sharing... I never really like locked doors ever, only for security and "privacy". How can any assisting go on if there are locked doors?
I have been trying to get MIL to socialize since FIL passed she's on the other end of the spectrum. She keeps telling me that they (the men) are hitting on her. I didn't really get it but after the neighbor went to kiss me on the lips....I get it. What I'm trying to say is keep an open mind regardless of your moral conviction. Listen and don't judge. I have found the free support groups in my area to be very helpful. I also took classes on dealing with the Alzheimer patient (I'm certified now). One of the best sections of the class was what is expected of the facility and legally required. It made it so I had all the right buzz words when I talk to staff to motivate them to do their job. I would strongly suggest education over speculation. The free support group pointed me in a lot of good directions (and the people are nice too) Good luck...take care of yourself...stress is a killer...I'm finding out everyday to pick my battles or I'm not going around to fight them anymore.

Just one thing to add. Do not underestimate the sexual abilities of elderly men. I once had a patient in a geriatric unit who was 85. I pulled off his covers one morning and he was naked with a sizeable erection. I quickly threw a blanket over him and he smiled and said. "I haven't had a woman in five years" Also men in these facilities may have access to the little purple pill!!!!

Well, I just wanted to say that having been a director of nursing at a few nursing homes and one assisted living, some of the "rules" are different. In assisted living which is where your mom is, is a tenant-landlord contract. By law, they have to have the ability to lock their "apartment door". That being said, There should be staff present at all times who have keys to the doors for safety purposes. Another thing that is difficult given that your mom has dementia, is that in "her apartment" she can have guests and the staff aren't supposed to interfere unless there is a safety concern. It sounds like the staff is at a cross roads because the understand your concerns, and at the same time have to respect her wishes. I know that with dementia it is a whole new world and you are concerned that she actually doesn't want him there and is too polite to say so. On the other hand it sounds like staff have said that when they try to redirect them, Mom is the one who gets upset and wants him to stay. The simple solution is to find another setting for mom if you feel this one is not meeting her needs. I would also like to remind you that this "sort of thing" may happen again in any other setting. I hope you find the balance of great care, safety, and peace of mind whatever you decide to do.

I'm an immoral atheist (sort of) former fornicator, and I feel a little bad for hvluv2ski. I read the post as being concerned that these two demented people are spending unsupervised time together, and he is going through her closet. What if he was stealing things? What if he suddenly got angry and struck out?

If you and your mother agreed on this issue in the past, she would probably want you to guide her behavior along those same lines now.

Even as a sort-of atheist, I know that a loving God would not condemn your mother if she did "sin", given her mental condition.

You are right to try to protect her, and make sure that she has freedom to make decisions she would be comfortable with.

Dementia is a cruel condition. It may eventually rob your mother of everything, including the principles she once lived by.
Your mother, as a Christian, believes in a merciful God. Though we don't understand God's plan for us, we have faith. Is it possible that God, in his mercy and omniscience has allowed this man to enter your mother's life to provide some level of contentment (or at least distraction) as she declines in her cognitive and physical abilities? Though their relationship may be abhorrent to you and probably would have been to your mother when she was cognitively intact, God has a plan.

That said, your mother's physical safety must be guarded by the people in whom you've trusted her care. There's no reason for a lock on your mother's door. It should be removed. If you have reason to believe that your mother's friend is forcing himself upon her, then obviously, the staff must be more attentive to their relationship.

You should probably seek advice from your minister or others in your church, if you want a Biblical perspective. The advice on a forum of caregivers is not going to satisfy your moral requirement. 'Chill out' is a common theme here and does not address the moral issue that concerns you. If this was my mother, I would look for another facility. This scenario may repeat itself, and there may be other issues with a new facility, but you need to give it a try, for your peace of mind. God bless you and your mother, I'll say a prayer that God leads you as you make this difficult decision.

We had this problem with my Dad in his first facility. The doors were NOT able to be locked from the inside....only the outside. If there were issues, the room doors were kept locked during the day time hrs. My Dad was befriended by a female resident who was very overtly sexual. The staff, once they knew how it was upsetting my mother, kept close tabs on them, and if they saw inappropriate behavior going on, they separated the two. My Dad started to believe he was married to this woman and it was horribly upsetting for my mother to see and hear.. He is now in another facility and while HE is not involved in such behavior, it is being observed with other residents and it is appearing that the staff don't work very hard at diverting those involved. It must be a common thing in these facilities...and especially when one understands what happens to behaviors with dementia. If your Mom is uncomfortable with the behaviors from this gentleman, then, of course, you must help her to feel safe and have the staff understand what kinds of social friendship she would be OK with in this regard, so they and you can protect her. IF they are not willing to do this, there are private homes (at least in Tucson Arizona where Dad is!) that take in only women or only men and perhaps if a change is needed this is what you should look for. I am also a Christian woman, and I completely understand yours and your Mother's viewpoints/beliefs in this regard and they DO need to be supported. I would also wonder about searching for a Christian based facility?? I know they are hard to find. Also dementia units in private homes for those who wander are hard to find, but if your mom does not have that tendency to wander, it is worth looking at. My Dad has been in 3 facilities since Jan 2013. If there are issues with this one, I will be considering keeping him at home with help in the home myself....so my mother and I can have more control and knowledge of what is happening. But having observed care in 3 facilities, there are things not to be liked in all of them. Staff that are hired, aside from professional lpns and rns.....will have some who are only there for the $$ and are lazy and do not want to interact with the elderly demented residents and there will be others who care a great deal. They will or may not remember to treat your family member the way you discuss they would like to be treated. I also have seen among all Dad's 3 places, that most residents have no visitors and that staff seem somewhat unsure of how to deal with families who come to visit and meet their needs. So keep up your concerns and monitoring. I do not think any doors should be able to be locked from inside anywhere.....and I would certainly complain about that notion even to the state agencies if needed. This is such a difficult stage of life to navigate. My own heart aches daily for my dad and then also for my Mom, who so misses him at home with her and has her own dementia brewing slowly too.

when my husband was n nh he flirted with help encourged it as it made him feel alive and there was no harm in it.

I understand and appreciate your concern. I am sure this probably happens more than the outside world realizes. I would talk to the director of the facility and if there wasn't a resolution, then I would speak to Adult Protective Services.

As long as I can I will keep my Mother home with me. If you can, Dear, get your Mom moved to a better facility. If that is not possible, maybe a Chaplain can come or arrange for some women to come and visit with Mom and share her beliefs? I bet she is lonely. No condemnation. Stick to your values! Your Momma taught you right!

My dad lives in AL and also has dementia. He has become close friends with a woman that also lives there. They often frequent one another's apartment to watch TV or just visit. Fortunately, I have not see any indication of improper conduct.

If the gentleman your mom has befriended lives in the same facility, I suggest you try to open communications with his family. This give you additional eyes to monitor the situation.

I know you want to protect your mom and are worried she may be taken advantage of in her current reduced mental state. In addition, I worry that my dad's lady may start accusing my dad of things he didn't do or perhaps he misunderstood a signal and she get's upset (even with a kiss) which would cause him to get upset. The protection works in both directions.

But I also might mention, older men often need a little help (ie. purple pill). It may be that you are worried without cause.

Again, my suggestion is to talk to the become friends with the gentleman's family and work jointly to protect both your parents.

Typically, in most Assisted Living facilities (mine included), there are locks on the doors, as ALF's are supposed to promote independence and privacy, even on a Memory Care Unit. Nursing homes are usually the facilities that cannot and do not have locks on the doors. I would say, as may above have also said, if you get no response or everyone seems apathetic to your concerns, start looking for other facilities. You say you have no other options; are there no other facilities in the area? Speak with the Social Worker for other options in the area. Lastly, if you still get no response, call in the Ombudsman--that'll make the facility take you a little more seriously.

First of all, chill out! It's not like she is going to get pregnant or an STD because at this late stage it is a non-issue. She is in a time in her mind when she was attractive, sexually active, and responsive. My advice is to leave them alone, let them have their privacy, and any petting going on, as I am sure he cannot sustain an erection, will do both of them good. This goes on all the time in nursing homes, and it is usually encouraged when both patients are willing. I know you cannot stand the fact your senior, senile mother is having "sex" (which really isn't sex, sex), but relax and let her have her last days as enjoyable as she thinks she is having.

My mother is also in a secured unit and bedroom doors do lock. The entire staff carries keys. They do this to give residents privacy. Some of the more advanced patients constantly walk into other residents' rooms and disturb them. It can be very upsetting to have an unwanted guest constantly walking into your room and going through your things.

I would recommend that you set up a meeting with the director of the unit and whoever else needs to be there and explain your position. I understand your position and theirs. You are concerned about your mom getting into a situation she can't handle. If the facility just can't meet you halfway on this, then start looking into other facilities that are more closely matched to what you want for your mom. Good luck. I am hearing more and more about residents pairing off in ALZ units and AL.