Making siblings aware of Mother's (94) finances. Any advice?

Debbie1956 gosh! Sound of mind covers some broad ground doesn't it? I guess yet another 'saying' comes to mind - no victims just volunteers. I think you can offer to your mom that from now on you are willing to help her within whatever parameters you can and ARE willing to do so and also tell you that from now on, you will talk directly and only to her, about her. If one of your siblings tries to pull you in, then just say 'let's run that by Mom together'. You stop it right there. If everything you do lives in the light of day, no body can accuse you wrongly. Can they accuse you? Oh, yeah! And most likely they will because family members that like to 'triangulate' won't give up that easy. Don't allow yourself to react no matter what they do and be true to yourself. None of us has the 'power' to save the day despite anything. I am sure you have a life, whether it's work, friends, kids, a spouse, etc. Get your focus on that stuff and make your mother's issues 'smaller', taking up less space. If the rest of them want to duke it out, so to speak, you won't have to be in the fray. Also, just a thought, you mention your mom is easily coerced but it sounded to me like she was fairly good at doing that herself to you and about you. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you but it's a pattern.

Ohreally51 I like how insightful your thoughts are. My mother seems to be of sound mind I am sure that is what my siblings argument would be. My mother is 94 and homebound. Very dependent on her kids helping her out. So I believe she can be very easily influenced and coerced. So can you consider that of sound mind? I see a weak feeble woman willing to believe what she is being told. And yes I have backed away to.

Mistyanne7, my comments originally were very close to yours. I have four siblings, a very difficult NPD mother and a very in denial, codependent dad, both in their 80's. With the five of us, it'd be like having five blind men in a room with an elephant and asking each one of them to describe what an elephant looks like and smells like. Every single one would be vastly different. ALL of us have family dynamics. I am fairly no nonsense and want to set aside a ton of emoting to find a viable solution. My mother and my sister (one of them ) could not be farther from that. I am the oldest of the five, the next one is a brother, so the oldest son and in my family being a male equals you know what you are talking about more than if you are a female. Anyway, it could go on and on but most of the time, with most humans, there is a meaning behind a meaning. These things go way back, people are capable of lying to themselves even! I have chosen to back away even though I see a lot of infighting for position and recognition. I don't want or need my parents money either, which is not the case for all of them. My parents did an artful job of pitting siblings against each other and now that they are elderly they are reaping the harvest they sowed. Regardless, I often think of how I want things to be when I am the same age as my mother, which for my will be in 20 years. Not that long! If I am of sound mind, I don't want anyone deciding what's best for me. We have the right, all of us, to make mistakes, live the way we choose and do things the way we want them done. Grown kids are NOT responsible for picking up the pieces of their elderly parents' bad choices either. Setting aside a lot of emoting, decisions have to be made and if someone is of sound mind, the best thing to do is to back off and let them be.

Tell your sibs that they have hurt you to the bone and be done with it. Let your sibs be the control freaks and deal with the problems . It doesn't mean you can't visit your mom. If there are two many layers of the onion to pull back --- stay away from them. Maybe be cordial like dealing with a boss from hell in the best possible way. And that means maybe giving ( or giving up) more than receiving. But at least you can live with yourself. Good luck.

Deb, if I were you, I'd ask the mediator question as a new question, you'll get more "hits". But another thing. Is it just this one sister who twists things, or are several of your siblings aligned with her? Do the rest of them realize the damage she's doing? Can you rally some of your siblings (without her knowing...who is running to tattle tale sis?)and gain some traction for the mediator idea? Otherwise, I guess I'd inform your mom that I really can't have anything more to do with management of her money.

I am just wondering...maybe its a question I should ask. How many people went through a mediator? And how did it go? Did a family member make a disaster of it?

It sounds like at least you & your brother are trying very hard to do what's in your mom's best interest, and unfortunately, you've got at least 1 sister who's goal it it in life to create drama and problems & does not have your mom's best interest at heart. Sadly, mom wants to believe that child over the others & there's not a lot that can be done to change this, unless you can somehow prove to mom that sister is the problem.
At this point you can either wash your hands of it, which sucks, cause you want your mom to have the best, or you cans your reasonable siblings can try to find a way to gain mom's trust and convince her you're looking out for what's best for her, and that's not going to be easy.

Debbie1956 - with a family dynamic that involves a tattle-tail who has to run behind mommy's skirts to get everybody else in trouble all the time, I don't know what you can do until somebody asserts themselves over her. Her behavior isn't going to change at this point in her life, so start planning FOR her to behave this way instead of expecting her not to. At some point, she has to lose her ability to put the brakes on everything.

A mediator is supposed to reduce anguish, not add to it. My mom did the same thing to me over her house, and I don't have any siblings. Her sisters told her I'd dump her on the street. And probably a lot of the paranoid delusions told her that too.

I would love to get a mediator but I am afraid if I suggest that my sister will run to her and again twist it and tell her how I am trying to get the mediator to take over her life. My brother and I have discussed getting a mediator don't want to put my mom through more mental anguish. My brother offered to buy the house full value to alleviate some of her fear of being low on money. She could live there for as long as she could. It was turned against him. The point of talking to the siblings was to not cause my mother stress. But what was the intent of the siblings telling her I did that. Did that make my mothers life better?

I know it's really hard & breaks your heart to see your mom go thru this, and all you want to do is fix it and give her a wonderful life. I would suggest, if you can & if she'll accept it, you sit with her face to face and talk thru your concerns, and even her money issue and make gentle suggestions as to what you think would make her life better (accept her decisions about what she wants to do - even if it's not what you would choose).
And apologize to her for not coming to her first, she needs to know that you didn't intend to hurt her or go behind her back.
Then and only if she's agreeable, see if you, her & your siblings can go over all of what needs to happen to make your mom's life better - I know it's way harder when they probably all have their own agendas, and may not be receptive. If everyone is local, face to face is best, if not Skype or conference call, let everyone have a chance to voice themselves, if you can. You may even need a mediator or therapist for this - just to give you a disinterested 3rd party with no real stake in the outcome.
Remembering at the end of the day, what your mom wants/needs is the most important part of this whole process.

I do understand your point of view. From what I have seen my friends elderly parents do when they start to worry about money. They start cutting back on things they need. Prescriptions, heat, repairs....ect. It was the neighbor that came over and told her chimney was about to fall down. He was afraid it would fall on his house. She has two furnaces in her house one is broken been broken for years. In the winter she heats up her kitchen with the stove. Her alarm system needs repairs...she uses it nightly....She doesn't want to spend the money to get it fixed. Of all my friends I have not seen any of them not get together with their siblings and discuss what would be needed to be done. It seems kind of odd when my sisters want her will changed in favor of what they want . They are having her pay lawyers to do that. Then they stand back and let her make decisions on not repairing her house. It seems kind of fishey to me.

While I do think your heart may have been in the right place, I look at this a bit from your mother's point of view. First, she's a grown woman who's used to running her own finances and household (doesn't matter if she does it differently from how you would her way is her business).
Second, especially in older generations, people generally don't want their financial dirty laundry spread around and maybe in her mind even gossiped about. In the past you've led her to believe she has the money she needs and this may look to her like you've not been honest - not to say that her perception is correct there, it's just how she could see it.
She's an adult and by her kids going behind her back and talking about her money/health/lifestyle, whatever, and attempting to "resolve" her issues without her full knowledge and support just infantilezers her.
Personally, unless she has advanced dementia, she should be the 1st person you discuss this with, not the last.
It's really hard on the elderly to go from being independent & in charge of their lives and decisions to all of the sudden their kids (even if they are adults) coming in and trying to take over & "fix" things.
I promise I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I do think you were really only trying to do the best you could & really want to help.
Just please for your mom's sake try to remember that she needs to have as much control as possible and she needs to know I advance of of others about her problems or concerns. Shielding her might just cause more stress for her because it can make her then worry what else is going on or are her kids "plotting" against her.

Well what I have read is interesting. My mother has completely taken myself and a sibling off of everything for no reason. The baby girl {55 yrs old} and her meth head daughter have been everything. Mom is still at home I am not allowed there, they must protect her ??? what?? Mom and I have been best friends forever just lately has this all happened. The baby calls police if I go to see her??? Protecting her of course. There is no reason this has happened but it has ripped my heart right out. I am not allowed to talk or see my mother for no reason. I have consulted couple lawyers but retainers run from $3,000 - $5,000. My sister and I don't have that kind of money but this is a strong case. I have contacted Elder Abuse due to the complete control of everything even isolating her from all family, friends and neighbors. They are useless saying mom is fine, everything is ok. NO ITS NOT. Oh ya, baby sista just got out of 2 weeks in jail for shooting at her boyfriend in a drug, drunken fit. She spent 2 weeks in jail but mom bonded her and hired her a lawyer. So it is what it is, mom has no use for me or my sister, her health is not good but I am not even allowed to see her. This has been escalating fro, 2 1/2 yrs ago.

My mother's youngest sister melted my face off when I suggested that mom was becoming older and some changes would have to happen to let her live in her house longer. Like a ramp to the door. Help getting her to appointments and errands. She actually told me it wasn't my place to get involved in these matters and that the good Lord would just take care of it. Nefertiti wasn't the only Queen of de-nial. Since I held power of attorney, and now am the legal guardian of my mom, that aunt's opinion means exactly diddly to me.

If you don't have a legally recognized oversight role for your mom, like power of attorney or court granted custody, there are no laws preventing anyone from taking decision making and access to info away from you. The siblings who do hold those roles are accountable to the court for her situation. Without these formal designations, things can get weird & ugly fast. Nobody can "self-appoint" as guardian/custodian/attorney-in-fact. Forms, notarization, and sometimes court is involved. It's quite rude to exclude you from the conversation, but it might be a blessing in disguise.

Being a joint account holder or authorized signer on mom's account does NOT equate to having power of attorney or guardianship and overriding mom's wishes for her money.

Personally, I would drop this like a hot rock and let the control freaks have it. Just enjoy your mom and what you are able to do with her.

If any specific sibling is removed from accounts, that sibling needs to tell the others to make sure any decisions made can be legally defended in court should the need arise. Medical and financial decisions can carry over after the parent dies. Whomever is in charge at the time is the one who must account for whatever took place. So remind them of the personal liability that is a part of this process. Tell them you can not afford to pay for any irresponsible decisions on their part. If it's a joint decision, everyone contributes and shares in the positives and negatives. Otherwise let them know it is truely their decision and it needs to be one they can live with. In the meantime try to keep a relationship with your mom. I like the technique of saying you are going to dinner and will call back later.

So sorry. They shouldn't involve Mom. She just wants the rest of her life calm. Its kind of cruel.

Thank You everyone. A lot of great comments and a lot to think about. AS for my family we were very close at one time. I was there helping my mother a lot at one time. But to many events like this have happened over the years. The way I saw it it is like this family is going through a divorce but instead of kids being in the middle we put my mother in the middle. So I stepped away for awhile. It seemed like things were settling down. As far as my mothers finances she seems to be living a lot longer than anyone expected. Repairs have come up on the house that no one was expecting. As in the past my brother and I are above financially secure. Not that anyone of them are broke. As in the past my brother and I are looked at to bail people out but are not allowed to ask about their finances. And then when we do it is how dare we question them. The email was just meant to say things may be needed in the future and we need to plan something. They ran to my mother with it which put more of a strain on my relationship with my mother.

Hi, your free stay let it stay that way. Your mom has given you a pass just to be her child nothing more if I was you I would take it. when it come to the rest of the family they are not the air you breath so love them (the ones that love you) or leave them(for the ones that treat unfairly). Life is to short to let something you did with a good heart rule the rest of your life.

Boy, the greedin families. First, if house is sold for her care and Medicaid is expected to pay for her care, you better get a good price for it. I know its hard but just let the dirt settle. Let them handle her finances and care. I see nothing wrong in what you did. But someone must be feeling guilty.

I am the middle child in our family and I became the DPOA for my mother at my request (to her). I had paid all her bills for years and years so to me it only seemed right that I took that position. I was also her caregiver for 8 years and my fathers prior to that. I took care of them basically 24/7 even though I had an older sibling that lived with us, but did nothing for them since she worked during the day.

Well my becoming DPOA opened a very large can of worms and my sibling became very angry with me, even though I had told her twice that I was going to ask Mom to appoint me. Our youngest sibling did not care and it was fine.

I tell you all this because NOTHING I DID WAS RIGHT OR GOOD ENOUGH FOR OLDER SIBLING! I got zero help from her but 1000% in gripes and complaints.
I do not know how you stated your email to your siblings but sending the email was perfectly fine. You were concerned so you made a statement to everyone that Mom's money was running low. They however interpreted it as complaining or sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Mom was embarrassed because someone called her and told her what you had done trying to throw you under the bus.

You say "they" are spending time as her house helping her. Do you ever spend time there, helping out? Unless you live hours away, you need to be physically helping especially when she becomes ill and can no longer be by herself. Being a caregiver is the hardest and most tiring job in the world, especially if Mom has dementia or Alzheimer's. Caregivers need physical help and relief from all those other siblings on a regular basis.

It is a real shame that at a time in life when we all need to stick together as a family and all pull together for the good of the ill person....we all seemed to fall apart and get our feelings hurt and try to hurt the other person rather than show love, peace and harmony.

The act of sending out the email was not wrong, however your siblings wanted to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Your Mom does not need to be caught up in the middle of the children's arguments....she is supposed to be the ill one!

Just a note: My older sibling did not straighten up until after our Mom died. What a shame that Mom only saw meanness from her until the day she died.

I have no real advice, but lots of experience with this issue. It seems none of my siblings cared to be involved with Mom's care even to commit to one day per month, which I asked of them so Mom had something to look forward to. That is, until the end of her road, they decided to get what they could or now get involved after she is admitted to nursing care. After her passing last March, one of my siblings has started wanting bank and ALL financial records from me. He says he has a legal entitlement to them, so I told him to go forward without my help then. Why should I go out of my way when they wouldn't go out of theirs for the 20+ years I cared for our mother? Darn shame how people react to certain situation, in my never-to-be-humble opinion.

I don't think that you were wrong in sending the email. However, I think you need to protect yourself by having an estate attorney. Especially since you and your sibs don't talk.

gettingoldsucks, so you do no "hands on" caregiving? Your sibling does that? It's great that they're getting paid, but instead of just thinking of paying yourself out at the end, think of your sibling who has given up their life to take care of your mother.

Doesn't matter if you're paying them $$(as you stated), you should be paying them, I bet it's still less than the cost of paying a stranger. And the years they give up they don't get back.

They're also not working(well they are but not in the typical sense) so when your mom passes they won't be able to just go back into the job market. So they need to be taken care after your mom passes.

Sorry, I don't consider someone who just manages the finances as a caregiver, that's a financial manager.

I would be willing to bet the siblings of the OP resent her lack of a role other than playing banker.

You didn't mention your mother's age or mental capacity, but it sounds as if she is 'with it'. Even mild dementia in a person can still be considered and yet still share information in simpler terms. I don't know the family dynamics but I think what you describe is as old as Cain and Abel! I have four siblings and they cannot agree with me or each other on almost anything. My husband and his brother were co executors, co POA's, everything. But BIL lived nearby and also flat told us he had not prepared for his retirement and didn't think of the money mom had has hers alone. We felt differently and that was the root of all issues we had with him, aside from the fact that he HAS to be in control no matter what. I guess I would recommend in the future not going behind your mom's back and keep her int he loop IF you even want to be involved. There got to be a lot of triangulation with my mother in law; she'd complain about BIL, want us to 'help', we would ask her flat out if she wanted us to talk to the brother, etc. and then he'd come back and work her and she'd change her mind. She was very elderly and in a nursing home, had some mental issues that were slight and exacerbated by ongoing UTI's but fully capable of making up her own mind. We decided to let it go. Things were not handled the way my husband would have and hence her life was not the quality of life that she might have had. But we respected the fact that she was ultimately the decision maker and that she had a knack for triangulation! As for my parents, with three more siblings even than my husband has and knowing all the personalities and history I am staying OUT of it. Lots of reasons that would only take up space here! Anyway, I am sure you meant well but if you want to avoid future issues like this - and you SAID you should not have been surprised! - go directly to your mother and talk to her first and then the siblings. Even better, try to get everyone on the phone or in the same room together. Personally I know how that would go for me (!) but that's why I am leaving things in four other (questionably in some cases!) capable hands. Stop and examine your own motivations too, really and be brutally honest with yourself. It might help.

My sister plays all sorts of games with my clueless mother. She told her that she couldn't communicate with me about my mom's health issues because I had her blocked on email and Facebook!!! Outright Lies!! My sister in fact blocked me several years ago on Facebook, and I have never blocked her on email or FB. So now, a week after I told my mom that was another of my sister's big lies, suddenly I am being cc'd on emails my sister sends to my two brothers. Just like magic!! It never ends...waiting for the day I never have to deal with her again. She has totally made a miserable situation out of something that should have been four siblings lovingly contributing to the care of their widowed mom. Instead it is a dogfight all the way. So senseless - well there is sense to it. $$$$$$ My sister is seeing dollar signs and is just so greedy she is beside herself.

Debbie, it sounds like you did the right thing and are doing your best to keep your siblings informed about your mother's finances. They chose to react in a negative way and are using that as an excuse to take financial access and control away from you.
My situation is that my sister, the very least trustworthy member of our family, has 100% control over our mother's ~ million dollar estate. She does not communicate anything to any of us 3 siblings about our mom's finances, and my mother is totally clueless about all things financial. So my sister pays all my mom's bills online using access to her accounts. While I was there visiting a couple months ago, my mom's land line got cut off. When she asked my sister about it, she found she hadn't paid the bill, for how long I don't know! It was sitting on her coffee table she told my mom. She also only paid $100 on my mom's $600 credit card bill. My mom had told her to pay off her credit card balance every month. When she asked my sister about that, she got some lame excuse. Coincidentally, my sister and her parasitic boyfriend had just returned from a trip to NY. My conclusion is that my sister is short-paying (or not paying) my mom's bills and dipping in to her accounts to supplement her travel expenses. But my mother and sister keep it all in their own little world and nobody else has any information about my mom's financial matters - period. That includes her will, annuities, bank accounts, insurance proceeds, etc. My sociopathic sister is the only one privy to this information. If I even ask a question about any of it, I get labeled "greedy", even though they all know my husband and I have assets at least triple what my mom has. So, in other words, my husband and I aren't sitting in a bird's nest with our beaks wide open waiting for any worms to fall in our mouths like they are. My sister wants things just the way they are - her 100% in control and possibly hijacking our potential inheritance out from under us. I haven't been able to figure out how to go about remedying this situation, but would like any suggestions you all may have. Debbie, in a way you are fortunate that you mom is running out of money. Nothing for your siblings to fight over, except how will you all pay for her care going forward. Watch them scatter when that day comes!!

I communicate almost 100% by emails when it comes to anything that involves my mom. I handle all her financials, including bank accounts, paying all her bills, we pay a sibling a good amount of $$ per month for taking care of mom and watching her 24/7. My mom does have rentals and that money is 100% used for her care. Once a year I update all my sibblings with a quicken financial yearly report of all accounts and I tell them if they need to see the back up for any of the accounts, my doors are opened and they are welcome to review Mom's financial binder. I've been doing this since my Dad passed away and although it was very stressful to start up and getting it place. After a few years of my siblings seeing the yearly reports they know that I'm taking care of everything and doing it by the book.. When there is questions or problem with the rentals I shoot all of them an email get all there opions and advice and work with what I think is best for me to handle since I'm the one with all the trouble. AND NO I DO NOT PAY MY self for doing this. But I do feel that one day when my Mom time on earth come to an end. I feel that I should pay myself something. After all I do spend a lot of time and gas taking care of the rentals and not to mention the stress just paying her bills. I know my siblings are happy with what they see me doing. Because none of them want to take over. I have had very stressful situations with my mom's 3 family house and had to make big decisions on hiring contractors to fix things in the home. And not to mention VERY STRESSFUL situations with bad tenants. Where I would ask for help from my siblings by email and they all basically just said for me to do what ever it take to fix the problems. That mom has money to pay for it. Well at least I have all that writing in a email that I saved into a folder. Just in case later on they think they can get one over on me. Thanks for reading me vent alittle and at the same time I hope this helps someone out there too.

Also, e-mail communications can be used in support of a position, especially one in which one person it handling all the care w/o support of the other siblings. E-mails provide documentation of siblings who are asked to participate but decline to do so.

Metoo,

Good insights into family dynamics. The point you made about the effect of squabbling siblings on parents is well taken. It's unfortunate that in such situations the sibs can't rise above their personal goals and pull together for the larger good, which is the care of the parent.

Also good advice on e-mails. A whole new area of law has developed dealing with online and electronic communications, especially in business (and in politics, as Hillary knows well), as well as retention policies of firms as to their e-mail communications.

Emails can be proof of what you have said, and may be used against you...be aware.