I have a younger brother who has been on SSI disability for many years, and has never been able to leave his parents' home. He does not have major physical problems, and takes drugs for HBP, diabetes and gout. He may also have psychological issues, but instead of conventional health care he wants a specific type of traditional care that has never been covered by insurance, and which we can not afford otherwise, choosing to make him visit conventional providers instead. Now, more recently, our mother passed away, and our father has suffered multiple strokes in the past few years and is limited in many ways, such as eyesight and hearing. We at best only know of a few people other than my brother able to stay with him on a consistent basis, and fear that getting someone else involved will cost too much. He and dad can not consistently get along; and both are significantly forgetful, which just continues to complicate things among us. My brother can be better *if he lets himself,* but whether he will is questionable. I and my two other brothers are all they have left, and I'm afraid to trust anyone else. Should I just let the disabled brother alone, and hope he finds his own help soon, or kick him out of our house and force him to find it from more-available sources?

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Using "DB" to refer to the disabled brother going forward...

I am dad's primary caregiver, and have taken over his financial affairs; my youngest brother and DB, who is the second child born to our parents, are also involved. I and the youngest work, at sharply different hours.

The home care is now underway, and people show up three or four days a week; some of the staff say his physical capabilities are actually rather good, his blood pressure is super; but there is still the eyesight, for which I still need to make an appt with an ophthalmologist (had to think about that!), and the hearing, for which the devices aren't going to be ready for at least a week.

The hospital, when he was still there, did suggest other places to check about assistance, although many of them involve going to websites, which I have to get someone to show me; DB is an Internet user, as is the youngest. I have papers somewhere which have details.

The veteran's stuff could be an option, although I seem to recall that dad didn't apply for that before because he didn't believe he served long enough; he was only in for about 18 or 19 months in the 1950s. (DB will probably set me straight on this soon)

The Agency on Aging here is in very bad straits; it is extremely backlogged and insufficiently staffed.

As for DB, he's not totally stupid; if he knows he's in danger, we believe he'll act accordingly and not, say, take it out on anyone else. It wouldn't take much effort for him to move elsewhere, but then we'd lose the things he's been doing for us. Until that's figured out, we can give him occasional respites from having to be in the house all day.

Medical help can only go so far; what dad needs is people to be in the same space with him daily. If someone else we know wants to do that, and we do have a woman friend who has come here a few times, they'll be welcomed. But I need to keep track of who-all's coming here; you never know what they might do if left alone in a strange house.
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Frankly, your brother's physical issues aren't that significant to be disabling. I'm not glossing over their seriousness, but many people deal with hypertension, diabetes and gout.

It's not clear what his specific issues are, but I think the more significant factor is that he doesn't seem to be that flexible about medical care (I'd like to see only homeopathic doctors as well but that's well out of my budget) and doesn't get along with your father.

It does seem as well that this brother isn't making the effort to rise above his limitations to the extent he might be able to (since you wrote he could be better "if he lets himself".) I think he's comfortable where he is.

I think the disabled brother needs to grow up and go find a place of his own; section 8 housing might be the answer for him. And if he's actually living with your father in your father's house, I think that's even a better reason for him to get out as your father is the important one at this point.

I assume you've discussed with one of his doctors how much care might be necessary? You could try home care at first while interviewing and researching home care agencies, as well as financial assistance.

Is your father a veteran? If so, check the Veterans Assistance Questions section of this forum ( for guidelines on applying. VA qualification doesn't happen right away though, so you will need some interim financial plans.

There may be a social worker at the hospital where your father has been treated who could help find other sources of financial help for your father, or you could contact your local Area Agency on Aging.

Others here are far more qualified than I to raise Medicaid qualification and related issues, and I'm sure they'll be along to respond.

The hospital social worker could also tell you if the hospital has a stroke support group which would not only provide your father with suggestions on coping techniques but might also have some advice on financial assistance.

I really do think though that finding a way to pay for qualified medical help is a better way than relying on the SSI brother for assistance. He hasn't stepped up to responsibility thus far; there's no indication he ever will. Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I see it.

I think relying on this brother would only be detrimental to your father,
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I'm sorry for your loss of your mother, first of all.

So, here we are: your father has suffered multiple strokes and has a number of mixed impairments; he and your brother are living together in one home; who is currently taking care of your father?
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