We moved to Switzerand to help my Husbands aging father. He had lost sight in one eye from a fall, has edema, a frozen right shoulder, swollen feet up to his knees. His father in a video (to entice us to come here) said he wanted to live with us, share in the expense and sell his dilapidated house. He make my husband his POA and we rented our house here (with extra bedroom and bath to accomodate his dad). We rented our house in the states, move a few pallets of belongings here and moved into our house. One week after we were here the father announces he will not be moving in with us. My husband is an in remission cancer patient, 100% disabled, I am 73, and we have a 21 yr old adult disabled child. We have been here 2+ years catering to this father. He has a service that comes in the morning to wash his feet and put on compression hose. In the evening WE go to his house to remove them. His house is a pigs sty. His heat is a wood burning stove that our son frequently stocks wood for. He is condescending to my husband and tells him how he cannot manage his life. He is crude, selfish and really put us in a bind. He has one male friend that visits him and brings him a beer or a cigar. The father has been married to a Thai woman who does not live there and is just waiting for him to die to see what she can get. It's a horrible situation. I found an architect who wants to buy the property. Selling this pig sty would allow the father to live in assisted living, in a clean, healthy environment where he would has regular meals and medical care. He refuses to sell this dump. My husband says he would feel guilty to have his father evaluated by authorities because he still has "free will". This will not end good, I know it. Were it my father, I would have long ago called someone to evaluate his situation because it is deplorable, unsafe and unhealthy. He still pays his bills, and will shop for food if someone takes him. How long do we wait? When is the RIGHT TIME? We are at our wits end.
You are an in-law, not a daughter, so you have no say. Acknowledge that blood runs thicker than water. Take back your normal life.
Other questions you need to get answers to include how long did your father-in-law pay taxes into the Swiss system? What do those monies now entitle him to as a pensioner?
I urge you to make the best of your time there. Switzerland has excellent schools (for your son) as well as health care and a very high standard of living/quality of life including for people who are disabled. Now that you live there and are part of a Swiss family, ask about your rights and what services are available to you.
If FIL does go into AL, then you still would have no help in your new home with the monthly bills, right? I just wonder if your husband has some expectation regarding his dad keeping the house that you are not aware of. I might have a frank discussion about it.
Also, I'd get info on how likely it is that an agency would intervene with FIL. Does his doctor think that he's fine to live alone?
I'd encourage husband to get a legal consult as well, so he knows what is expected of him as the POA.
I understand your dad wanting to care for his father but you're his wife and are fed up. You wrote that "we" are at our wits end. Does that "we" include your husband?
Your husband is concerned about his dad's free will. What about your free will?
To answer your question, you wait until you are at your wits end. If you're not there to care for his father who will do it? If you're not there will he have to move into an assisted living facility?
Is your husband aware of how unhappy you are?