I have given my all for 5+ years in order to keep my mother in her home, at the expense of my business, my life, and my friendships. What can I do to make sure that I am better compensated at the end?

You can draw up a contract so that you and your sis are compensated now to help your Mom. There are examples on line. Be specific about what the compensation covers. Be aware that if she pays you two on a regular basis that there are tax and Medicaid implications. However, if your Mom is a veteran (or her spouse was), they can arrange for you to be paid as her in-home caregiver if she needs help with mobility and most ADLs.
If you make changes to her will, be ready for lots of flack from the absentee sibs after the will is read. I have cautioned my mom against making changes to her will just for this reason. It is bad enough to do all this for her then have to deal with greedy family afterward.
PS: do not pay out of pocket for her care...she should be paying for her own personal expenses.
Good luck.

Even if mom is in the middle stages of dementia she still may be capable of making the decision on distribution of her estate. Contact an eldercare attorney and find out what if anything can be done.

Joanne1234. When I first read your post it sounded more like greed to me. Then I re-read it and I can see where you are coming from. If you are looking at this from more of a financial side than a loving side that is so different. I guess I am looking at this more from the loving side as I am old enough to be your grandmother. Yes, it is hard and I like you have lost all of these things too. I think this is probably harder on a younger person as for giving up all of these thing. I don't have anyone and cannot even afford help for my husband. We try and take each day we are given and do the best we can. Please keep up your spirits and it will work out. With the Alz you can't look too far ahead and when something does
happen and you look back you will thankful you could do what you could do. You have a long time ahead of you yet to re-build the things you have lost. Please be patient.

I know what you mean, I am younger too(32) I gave up everything. I am moms sole caregiver. Others siblings haven't made contact in over a yr. At first, I did feel guilt of wanting to be compensated in the end. However, almost having a nervous breakdown dealing with mom 24/7 and seeing how siblings was having a good time with there lives. Made me think.... I do deserve something. I am not here taking care of mom because of my wants. I am here cause she belongs at home and she needs the love and dedication from a least on child. Mom was in a better way with the dementia at the time. She knew what worthless other kids she had. She changed her will and added my name to the deed of the house. I honestly don't want to live in her neighborhood. But that is her way of compensating me in the end. There is no money just the house. She would want the home to stay in the family and I will make sure of that. Siblings would sell for a fast profit. In the begining of me helping mom, my siblings agreed that mom would pay me a little to help her (less than minmium wage) . So mom and I wrote up a contract and both signed it. As my caregiving required 24/7 care my mother could no longer afford to pay me. I stopped getting paid. So I took the original contract and figure out hr rate and multiply x 24hrs x 7day a week. Each month I figure up what I should have gotten paid. I keep a running tally each month and mom and I sign it. Right now mom owes me over 6 figures and climbing. Even though moms dementia is worse now, none of her drs will claim her incompentant. I was told by an attorney that even though I believe mom is mental incapable now, as long as a doctor don't sign off on it there is nothing siblings can do..... I know its not the best answer, but thats how I dealt with it!! good luck!!

I feel your pain. I was the daughter close to home for my father with Alzheimers. My sister lived 600 miles away. We both gave money, thousands for my father's care so he could stay in his home so aides could care for him when I couldn't, paid his bills etc. I ended up bringing him to my home to live since he lived 40 miles from me. I went to an attorney and had a lien placed on his property for the care I gave him so I wouldn't lose my shirt in the end. I documented all the care I was giving him, mileage, paying his bills, paying aides etc. When his property was sold at auction, I got paid back. My sister did the same thing and she got her money back too.
If you and your sister are doing the majority of the care, please look into this with a lawyer because it was the best thing I ever did.

Back to the original question. If your mom has private resources to divide at her death, those same resources can be used to pay for her care. That care would include paying caregivers whether they are family or not. If you were not there her care would be in excess of 75k per year. An elder care lawyer can assist you in drafting a caregiver contract and be sure the numbers reflect your mom's care and her best interest. Like Lilli wrote, her will is not the place to do this. All said, if your siblings have not already suggested this, it is unlikely they will be happy. Some of the backlash, you have lived rent free and not had to work, my sister is robbing my mom blind (translation there goes my inheritance. I completely understand your frustrations and believe a 3rd party (Mom's lawyer) to look at the situation and talk about fair is the best approach. Siblings will not agree on fair. I am not really sure why there can't be a loving side and a financial side to these situations. But it certainly seems that many parents do not see any need to reimburse their offspring for the time and sacrifices made on their behalf, yet it is all about equality and fairness when it comes to the will.

I'm not sure it's a matter of love or greed as much as it is a matter of survival.

If you've given up everything to care for a loved one, you don't want to be kicked out on the street when they pass before their body is even cold. (It's happened to a friend of mine.)

Don't let others play the "greed card" on you! This is also about taking care of yourself!

I figure, what do you need to live on for 6 months to a year while you get back on your own feet?

Oh Joanne1234, you poor thing. You need a caregivers contract and retroactive pay! Dont ever touch her Will, go to a lawyer asap and get it done the right way. You may already own her house is you have been living with her and caring this long. This is not one oz of greed, you are giving up your life for your Mom. (so am I ) Your Moms house needs to be sold, and all her money will be paid to her care, including YOU. Why should you do all of this and if she passes away, its then all divided equally when the siblings are not helping equally? Also your Mom pays for the lawyer, not you, and if you are trustee, etc, you can do this all yourself. Obviously you are POA and Trustee, your Mom picked the right one, best of luck to you and get this done asap, you can even hire in so you can have Time for you.

Luvmom, you are right on with your last comment!!!
My day of reckoning was when I was operated on and was supposed to bedrest. I had throat surgery and wasn't supposed to talk!Both siblings knew of my surgery but none lended a hand. I even asked. I was shot down, they were too busy. So, I managed to take care of mom, straining to talk and dealing with pain from not taking pain meds(I was afraid I would fall asleep and she would wander away or get hurt) I set myself up for a longer recovery period cause I couldn't rest! Well that was the wake up call that I needed. I did need compensated for caring for mom. Thats basically when siblings and I had our "outs". I had every right to be peed off. They only cared when I spent "moms" money to fix up house. Siblings have tried there darnest to get me in trouble with threats and trying to turn me into protective services. But I keep track of everything! So nothing they can do!!
I sometimes look in the mirror and think to myself, who am I??? The person I was and who I am now are so different. My marriage is barely surviving. I have no friends no family, just me mom and hubby and kids. My hubby and I enjoyed doing things. We no longer have that extra money or the time away from mom. Yeah, I do get a little respite from mom once in a while at local PCH. However, when she goes there I usually have a full plate of errands, housework. I never get that "ME" time I used to have. My kids are starting to act out(especially the teenager). Our kids want to spend more time at there "other" parents homes more than ours. I don't blame them. We don't do anything together anymore. I have my mom my #1 priority above all.
Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs out there. I thought when I first started looking after mom it was going to be just like anyother home health job I did!!! Boy, was I in for a surprize!!! There is no 9-5 shift with weekends and holidays off!! Mom needs 24/7 care. No more hanging out and having a few drinks with friends, or going on an all day shopping spree!!!! Caregiving is "priceless" how can one actually put an hourly wage on stress your body takes mentally and physically along with the caregiving??
I don't care at this point was others think of me, especially siblings. I know what goes on here in this home. I only answer to god if my intentions are not in the purest form taking care of mom. I enjoy spending those good days with mom, those are memories I will always remember. My siblings are the ones missing out on mom.
Joanne you do what you feel in your heart you need to do!!!! Don't worry about others!! Remember if they were in your shoes they would probably want the same thing about compensating. You need to pat yourself on the back for the sacrifice you made to be selfless enough to drop everything in your life for your mom. Your a good person!! Hang in there!

Well, Joanne, you can take your mother's S.S. checks and put her in a personal care home, assisted living, using her money ( all legal). Since you have a POA, I don't see why you cannnot do this. You don't say HOW OLD your mother is, but some day, she will pass on. At that point the POA will expire, and her Will's directives will take over. What exactly are you waiting for? Approval from your siblings? Do what you have to do.

p.s. There is no "compensation" for caregiving. You either do it or you don't. Hopefully, the Will will be compensation enough.