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I had to cut him off due to abuse. I am long distance from my Dad and brothers and no one talks to no one. He has a "girlfriend" who comes over every day but she has schizophrenia and has never called me if my dad was in the hospital, so she cannot be relied on to do anything at all. My younger brother, who is supposed to be helping my dad, has always hated me (he says he doesn't remember growing up with me and has no reason to accept me as his sister). My other brother lives many states away and has cut off from the entire family. I do not expect to get inheritance nor do I care. I do care about my alcoholic, dementia father, though, but I constantly feel as though no one would even notify me if he passes because of all their hate. Is there any way to get someone outside the family (police, or ?) to notify me? I wouldn't want months to go by and then find out. He qualifies for a military funeral but not enough people would attend.

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Thanks, everyone!
1. His girlfriend would never have a listed phone number. She is paranoid and changes her number really frequently, and never answers the phone too.
2. You are right, there would be no one to write an obituary except for me, and I'd be glad to do it, but....
3. I'll call the coroner but I doubt they have that as a service.
4. That's a very good (and sneaky! love it!) idea to pay someone to check on him, however he lives in a large retirement community and there's no way to contact those people. Their info is kept very private. Also, they can be quite dysfunctional as they often stay independent for way too long, and you can't trust them not to gossip about it.
Still, its good to have some ideas to mull over.....:-) I love a mystery.
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Feel like I am in the same boat with my Father who will turn 90 soon. Don't think that he would call me if my Mother died. But... I have a relationship with the visiting nurse that checks her out once a month. After she visits she e-mails me to tell me how the visit goes. If she showed up one day and my Mother was found dead she would call or e-mail me. In that way I am lucky. If you could hire someone to do a little thing for you Dad once a month or once every other month that person would report to you because you would be the one paying them. It does not have to cost much. In this economy there are always people trying to make a little money. Just don't let your Dad know you are doing this. Hope this helps.
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One simple thing you could do would be to set up a Google alert for your dad's name and zip code. Then anytime his name would appear in the paper (obituary), you'd get that notification. But that only works if someone writes an obituary for him. Which it sounds like in your family it might not happen. I'd also contact a funeral home in his town and ask those folks if they have any idea about how you could be notified. I'd also call the medical examiner or coroner in his town and ask the same question.
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You can go to legacy and enter an obituary alert that will email you when the death notice is published.
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Try searching for her address using directories you can access via Google.
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He sends all mail back to me. Writing to his girlfriend is a good idea, though, as she is younger than him. But I don't know her apartment number nor how to get it. I know her street address only. (No phone numbers).
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I am so sorry that you are in such a dysfuctional and stressful family situation.

You care about your father, but there seems to be little you can do to put that care into action. Since he has dementia it may not even be possible to reconnect with him at this time. You could send him frequent cards with messages like "I'm thinking of you, Dad, and hoping you are having a good day." It might be comforting to him to realize he has a daughter who cares. Or it might mean nothing to him. But it would be something you could do while he is still living.

You can also send a note to his girlfriend, thanking her for taking care of him, and asking her to please notify you of any major events. She may ignore you, but at least you will have tried.

I hope that you are notified. But if months go by, it doesn't really change anything. Knowing when he dies does not make up for the estrangement that has gone on for years.

I am very sorry for your situation.
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