Follow
Share

How can I make my parents feel more at home rather than feeling like they are a bother? My parents who are in their late 70's had to move in with me and my family because their home was destroyed in a tornado a couple of years back. Since they didn't have homeowners insurance they can't afford another place to live. We were able to convert the back of our house into a small aprtment for them. They still have to share a bathroom with the rest of our family, but we are hoping to add one for them eventually . Now that my Dad has had quadruple bypass surgery and my Mom has her own health issues, I really don't want them living anywhere else. Other than their health issues that have come upon them from getting older they do not act elderly. It has been an adjustment for all of us because we are now a 2 family household. My Dad seems to be alright with their situation especially when he is able to go to the shop and work on his hobbies, but my Mom still complains of not having enough storage space for her stuff and has told me several times that she still feels homeless. She will also clean my part of the house while I'm at work because she feels like she needs to be doing something since I have to go to work. I do let her know that I appreciate her doing this, and I have told her she does not have to clean my house. I have even tried to stay ahead of her in the cleaning process to no avail, we simply have different techniques. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't tell others outside of our family that she doesn't know what I would do without her. I know that they both feel that they were forced into this situation, but it was definetly not something planned and it was the best solution that we could come up with. I would just like to know if there is anything else i could be doing or even that I'm not the only one in this type of situation.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
I hear this from all the seniors all the time, "I don't want to be a bother to my children." Not knowing the total picture for this situation, but I would guess that thought might be in the back of the minds of mom more than dad. Personally, I tried to have my mother live with me and it was more difficult than I have ever imagined. It did not work and we decided it was best for her to move into her own place--she wanted her independence and truthfully keeping that independence allowed her to live a very productive life for at least 10 more years than I had expected. So I would suggest a family meeting to really discuss the situation--it is a group decision not just yours because this what YOU want. If you all decide to live togehter, then decide the duties and times that family can have quiet time (hard to have when all in a small place and the bathroom is one of those spaces that require just that). Talking out these situations is the best medicine for keeping the family happy. Let us know how it turns out.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think you have done an awesome job combining two households. It's very difficult for a woman to give up her home and move in with another. We've always had multiple generations living with us as we were growing up and I saw my mother struggle with sharing duties. Now I have my mother here most of the time with me and I love it. If you are willing to go a little further, you could suggest a cooking and cleaning schedule to divide the work. If you have talked with them already about how to turn it from your home to "our home," make sure you follow through on reasonable suggestions. If my mother was still able to cook like she did 10 years ago, I'd have her cook every meal!! Now, we just share the dinner tasks while we talk, listen to old records or reminisce (she stirs the pots, sets the table, cuts veggies). There are so many people out there who can't do what you have done. Living in one household will always have it's bumps. Just give hugs and kisses daily and always tell them how thankful and happy you are to have her so close to you. I actually kid my siblings and tell them my "evil" plan has final worked; to have mommy all to myself! Hugs!!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

How can you make your mother feel more at home, and like she isn't a bother? First, let her clean your part of the house! If there are aspects you don't find satisfactory, do those over yourself, without her knowing about it.

Second, if they get pension or SS checks, let them pay you some amount monthly. That is good for their dignity and pride. You can put it aside toward adding a bathroom.

Third, brag up your parents' contributions. Mom says you couldn't get along without her? Agree with her! Your friends will know the real message (or you can tell them privately) and who cares what strangers think?

It is natural that you feel a little displaced. But your situation is secure. It is your house. You can afford to let Mom and Dad feel like they are helping out, even when, in fact, they are a bother! You love them, you want them there, so let them take pride in what they can do. While Dad is puttering in the workshop, could you ask him to make a long shelf for your cookbooks? Could you leave instructions for Mom to get dinner started before you get home for work?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Hi, 5gregs, What an awesome thing you have done! I bet your Mom says those things about you needing her because her pride is hurting. You situation is different in that they lost all there stuff to a tornado and didn't have insurance - I wonder if your Mom feels ashamed that they could not recover on their own? Maybe if she gets back some personal pride she will back off? I agree with the expert- a family meeting would be good too. There is no dementia , right? Talk it through with them. And tell them your feelings. I don't think it fair of Mom to make you feel bad so she can feel good if that is what she is doing. Or send her over to 4frantz1997's house- it sounds lovely! (just kidding :0) - love your post Frantz!!)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It's on my mind, too. Again,awesome job! I think seniors feel better when they have chores.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I looked at your page to see where you are living. Do your parents each get Social Security? Would they be able to get into assisted living? At least then, they would be on their own. I know some of those places have 2 bedrooms, that your mom could use for storage.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter