What can I do to make my Father understand that going outside in his robe is inappropriate? - AgingCare.com

What can I do to make my Father understand that going outside in his robe is inappropriate?

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I "caught" my 92 year old dad outside in the parking lot of his apt. building feeding the squirrels peanuts; he was wearing his bathrobe (he had underwear on underneath). His was also talking to 2 young girls from his apt. building (about 5 and 7 years old). He even offered them chocolates. I "accompanied" him back to his apt.; he gave the girls chocolates and one of them even asked him if she could come in the pet the cat and he said yes. This behaviour is definitely inappropriate and could even lead to criminal charges, if this "kindness" is wrongly interpreted. I tried to explain it to him but he just doesn't listen. I have told him hundreds of times not to go out in his robe because people can think that he is nude underneath. He says, don't worry, I just have my robe in the apt.... and then this happens. Help !

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Everbody is spot -on, dad needs a structured facility, no more " independent"

Do you have DPOA & MPOA, if not will dad sign off on those? If not, then you have no choice but get a guardianship. With dads behavior towards the girls, you can get an emergency placement for him to be a ward of the state which could be the best way to get him into a facility. What I'd be very very concerned about is that dad has been doing this before (candy to kids, pet my cat) and at some point cops will be called and dad held as a pedophile, if that happens getting him into a NH will be very difficult as most will not have residents with any felony record. At 92 whatever behavior he is doing is going to escalate as his dementia does. Please today start looking for either NAELA elder law or a guardianship attorney.
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How can you make your father understand? You aren't going to be able to. This is not at all about your failure to reason with him correctly. It is about his inability to reason, to apply normal social filters, and to control impulses.

This is very sad, and emotionally draining, but your father needs more supervision. Not because he is bad, not because he is old, but because there is apparently damage in his brain that he can't help and you can't fix.

Start with a medical evaluation and be prepared to make changes based on what you find out.

My heart goes out to you and to your father. Hugs to you both!
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Your profile states that your dad is living in Independent Living? Or is it that he's living independently? If he hasn't been deen by a geriatric neurologist who is familiar with working up fementia patients, you need to get him to one.

Many yeats ago, i worked at a day camp. One of the members of the adjacent beach club loved to come ov dr and watch the children play. All was fine until we realized that he was quite openly jerking off under his swim trunks. He was a fine, elderly man, had worked as a lawyer if i recall. Please get your father into care before something scary like this happens.
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Sadly, I agree that your father has lost the ability to determine what's appropriate and what's not, and given the specific instance you described, that could result in his being arrested and/or incarcerated in a facility that might not give him the help or care he needs.

Unfortunately I think you have to move to a higher level of care when he's not in contact with a young vulnerable population.

I wish you strength on this next phase of your journey.
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I will add that you will NEVER be able to teach, re-teach, or reason with your dad about appropriate/not appropriate. His ability to learn is gone. You can harp yourself hoarse, but it will not stick with him.

You are going to have to protect him from himself and the world. Have him see a neurologist and get him a cognitive evaluation done. Don't ask dad if it's OK. Don't ask him if he wants to go. Schedule the appointments and take him there. This information and imaging may be a rear-end saver in more ways that one.

Ultimately if he is having cognitive loss for any reason at all, you have to change his living situation so that he will be safe 24/7/365. If he can't understand to wear clothes outside, he will need to be in a secure place where he can't accidentally get outside and wander around. Where my mom is, they have a secure patio and garden area, so you can go outside, but you're not going to go off and talk to little girls in your bathrobe.

Don't let Dad reason it all away. Don't fool yourself that it's not that bad. Don't let family or friends talk you out of it because he's still up & around. They will say things like "Surely it's not all that bad is it? I just talked to him." and you'll find yourself down the road with a MUCH bigger and difficult mess to deal with.

The hardest part for me on my journey with my mom (among MANY MANY MANY hard parts) was accepting reality and doing something about it. That first time was so painful and hard on me emotionally. By now though, I'm an old pro at change.

This site will help you with every issue that comes along. The people on this site will help you when you are at wit's end and ready to walk out on everything.
This site will help you plan ahead and keep planning until there's nothing left to plan.

We are here for you. You can do this.
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This is troubling behavior. It can escalate. My friend's dad has parkinsons dementia and became very inappropriate with his college age grandaughter, even urinated on her purse. He had been a gentleman all his life. Dementia affects impulse control.
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Going outside in his robe is not so bad, but staying outside and offering little girls candy while dressed in his robe sounds terrible. Maybe he should be living in senior IL or AL where there are no children about. His social skills seem to have been forgotten.
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Yikes - that's very scary for everyone involved. If those little girls talk to their parents, your dad could be arrested and facing charges. It sounds like he's definitely got some dementia or Alzheimers that is affecting his thought processes. He needs to be in a supervised situation, where he's not around small children by himself. Where were those girls' parents???

You need to take immediate action to get your dad supervision or this could end up badly for your dad.
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Just checked your profile, Dad is living at Independent Living? Next is "Assisted Living?"
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Give your number to a few neighbors. Ask them to call if they see a problem with your Dad. Meanwhile, take care of business. You don't want to neglect doing the right thing to take care of Dad, because when nothing is done in time, neighbors will be left to find him and have to call 911, say, for example, if he falls, wanders off, or gets scratched by that friendly squirrel. This advice to family is given in Remembrance of my 90 y.o. neighbor who actually trained the squirrels. Years later, we find an old peanut while digging up the garden. While protecting his dignity, pleas get your Dad some help. I would start with daily housekeeper visits.
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