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All of you seem like no matter what your situation is you find a way to make the best f it. You are such caring wonderful people. I, on the other hand, am wondering if I can keep it up. I'm new to doing 24/7 care for my father in law my husband is here with me but he has multiple injuries. He works so hard and lifts his dad right along with me, does everything I do while he is n extreme pain. He loves his dad very much & would never consider a SNF his dad is too sick for assisted living. I'm so afraid something will happen t my husband. He has 5 brothers and sisters who for various reasons will/can not do full time care or assist in any way other than occasional call or quick visit I just want to go home but I know I can't how do I convince myself that this is my life now and I can't be sad afraid and just get on with this. You're all doing it. Why do I feel like such a selfish person and how can I convince myself this is ok? I love my fil but I just never thought I'd be taking care of him I don't think he ever thought I would be either LOL. Please give me some suggestions. Thanks for any help you can give

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Dt, I think you should reconsider the notion of not putting FIL in a NH. You and your husband should have a tough talk with his sibs and their taking care of dad. Then repeat this phrase from time to time: Never meet troubles halfway. Let them come the full distance, something usually happens before they arrive.
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DIL, Oh, I feel you! You read my own mind! Get help where ever & whenever you can. Pray. Find things to laugh about. Anybody remember laughter? Find it again. It so helps. Good luck to you & keep up the good work. It matters more than you'll ever know. It is a huge undertaking. But, even the seemingly little things, are important and help tremendously. You are doing good and it matters. blou
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Dtrinlaw - I didn't think you were complaining. Our FAMILIES would say that we were complaining. Here on AC (agingcare), it's called Venting. But - when I read your posts, I did not think you were complaining. You were explaining the family dynamics. Like Chicago said, there are lots of helpful books. I bought several of those and not even read 1/3 of any of it! I so much prefer to read my fantasy books to "take me away" from reality. Or I watch funny videos, and tell some posters here about it. If you ever want to see some great short funny YouTube videos, let me know in my Wall, and I will tell you the ones to Google. Lastnight, I was watching the Jeff Gordon prank videos and laughed so loud and hard and long. After I was done with the 2 videos, I noticed how lighthearted I was. I wasn't such a sourpuss/porcupine, etc... sigh....
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We are not all saints. You are the saint. My mother outlived my sister, who was caring for her. I have refused to be drug into my Mother's mess. I am 1500 miles away. Have you read any of the books that are suggested on here? They are pretty good.
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Thank you all so much for answering me you are right I have to learn to take one day at a time and quit worrying about the what if's. I can't give too many identifying details because if in laws read this and figured out it was me there would be problems. My FIL is 92 and has dementia short term memory is not good at all long term is excellent and believe me he's really had an interesting life and can tell you all about it. He also has had a stroke a few years ago and has a weak left side. He was recently admitted to hospice since he's lost a great deal of weight and really doesn't want to eat or drink anymore. My husband has been cooking his favorites from childhood and he's been eating more but it's almost impossible to get him to drink a adequate amount of liquid. I think he's going to get dismissed from hospice because the sisters who have MPOA refuse to make him a no code hospice I going to give it anther go at changing the code status but if they won't budge then I'm unsure if he can stay. I'm 55 and my husband is 60. He has been disabled for years with a Cedric condition and other stuff. I was changing jobs when FIL got sick accepted new job but didn't start yet so I'm no saint I asked for some money since we are loosing my salary so I think family feels we are paying her so she is just an employee and has to do what we say. I am in the medical field & could be making much more than they give but I had to ask for something since now I have to COBRA and have no income. I promise I won't complain any more and can hopefully answer questions for somebody else. Again thank you all
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You take one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. You find little ways to take breaks - stand in the backyard and take deep breaths, take a longer time in the bathroom, enjoy your shower. Wear headphones and listen to music.

Finding other resources is a huge help, too. Look online, call up the Area Agency for Aging or other Eldercare resources in your area. Find a church with older people (like an Episcopal church) - when we found one there were people who were available to help a little by taking Mom to lunch once a month. Talk to your doctor and your FILs doctor and ask them what help is available. Look for homecare aids - some will require lots of hours a week but others don't have a minimum requirement.

If your FIL was a veteran, there may be financial assistance for him.

Know that it isn't selfish to want everything back to normal.

And come on here and vent or look for someone you can give a little piece of advice to. Everyone here is wonderful.
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I have to wonder why hubby's 5 siblings don't pitch in more often. It's perfectly acceptable to ask them to help out once in a while. Visit for a few hours so you and your husband can get away or have dad over to their house for dinner once a week so you two can be alone. It's not right that the burden is solely on you and your husband.

And like jeannegibbs said, it's not easy. My dad has since passed away but I cared for him for 5 years in my home until I couldn't do it anymore and he went into a nursing home via the hospital. However, I had promised him over the years that I would never put him in a nursing home. That was a mistake to promise that. I had no idea what I was in for and how difficult, next to impossible really, the situation would become.

"Burden" has such a bad connotation to it but in my opinion caregiving was a very heavy burden and it grew heavier day by day, month by month, year by year. I don't know what kind of injuries your husband has and I know his heart is in the right place but it's ok to feel that caring for his dad is too overwhelming. Because it IS overwhelming. And if those siblings of his don't pitch in they don't get a say in what your husband decides is best for his dad. No contribution, no say.

I don't know if you've had a chance to read over some of the previous posts on this site but there are many similar to yours. Caring for an aging inlaw. I would suggest that you read them. Caregiving for an inlaw can be very, very hard on a marriage and it might help to read how other people in your specific circumstance have dealt with it.

I hope you keep coming back and letting us know how you're doing.

You're allowed to be sad and afraid. We've all been sad and afraid. Please don't berate yourself for the feelings that you have, they're perfectly normal.
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Dtrinlaw, you don't really have much info - like the age of your FIL (father-in-law), or the rough ages of you and hubby. It doesn't really matter. I was just curious. When I was age 23, my mom was diagnosed with dementia. She was wandering, bringing home things not bought (from the stores), and angry violent person. Father had to do early retirement. When he did, my dad called around and found programs that would help mom. Mom was enrolled for the govt paid caregivers who came once a week for 4 hours to watch and bathe mom, light housekeeping, etc... But father asked if they could use that 4 hours and spread it into 4 - 1hour visits so that they came 4 times a week to shower mom. He got mom first in the meals-on-wheels. Then he got himself included by arguing that he was mom's fulltime caregiver and didn't have time to cook his lunch, etc... There was a federal program that did a progressive study of dementia. He enrolled mom in it. In return, they provided a caregiver every week for one hour (now mom had 5 days a week of bathing) and Free limited supplies (pampers, wipes, gloves, etc...) Also, if you used up your supplies, you can buy these for such a great discount than you get at a store.

It's going to be very very difficult for you and your hubby - especially since he has injuries. You may end up caring for 2 people. I hope you can be like my father and start calling around. Find what programs apply to your hubby and/or FIL. If your FIL has money, why don't you use some of that money for a paid caregiver to come once in a while to relieve you and hubby?

And I will admit to you this... I have always had a bad temper. Father and I clash a lot. I'm trying my best to control my temper or impatience. But it's hard because he's an opinionated, demanding, always-right man who believes us females know nothing and therefore should shut up. I just live by day to day. If I look into the future, i get depress and ... I don't want to see my future. So, I just live by each day as it comes. Family is not going to do anything. It's not their problem. It's ours - since we have the elderly. If you click on my profile you will see that I'm talking from experience about the siblings. You take care, and find some Other help before your hubby hurts him.
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It's not easy!!

But you do have other options. Call your local elder affairs office, they will help you get info about day care, home care all assistance available to your FIL..

His needs will be met in a NH..they are professionals and you and your sick husband are not responsible to meet all his needs.. You can still visit him and over see his needs without it killing you..
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I live in northern Indiana.O-Boy do we have the snow.From the snow drifting we had 3 feet or more of snow in our drive way to the garage.We got so much snow we have no where else to throw it.We don't own a snow blower.We do it all by hand with a sheval.My wife & I went out to remove the snow.After a hour of removing the snow we still had much more to remove.I looked at my wife and said,I don't think I can do anymore of this I'm woreout.My wife replied to me saying this,
God never gives you too much more then you can handle.The strange thing is we don't go to church.We believe in god don't get me wrong.We know John:316 that's about as far as I got .We was just never the church type of people I guess lol.Anyway,hearing my wife telling me that I was shocked & amazed.You know what?We got the drive way done lol.
So,there's your answer how we do it.
Because,God don't ever give us too much more then we can handle.
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