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My father who had been living in MC died a couple of weeks ago. Now most everyone is telling/expecting me to place Mom in AL since "now you don't have to worry about the money running out".


Before a fall in Sep 2018, Mom with MCI and almost no short term memory, lived with me and completed all her ADLs except for washing her hair (arthritis in shoulders is too bad now for her to lift her arms much higher than her ears) and could stay alone for several hours with the monitoring support I have in my house. Immediately after the fall, Mom was basically bed bound and needed a lot of help. She has been recovering from the fall and is doing well with a walker in the house but has not regained her confidence. She wants me to watch her while she walks through the house or to the bathroom. She also suffered additional cognitive decline following the fall so I do not leave her alone anymore except for very brief drop-off/pick-up trips maybe once a week or so. She is much more dependent on me as her "security blanket".


Doctor and PT expects she will fully recover walking ability. No one knows whether cognitive will improve as she physically improves or not. I'm hoping she will but planning as though she will not. I have arranged adult day care 3 days a week (6 hours a day), in home PT 2 days a week, and in home respite care 6-12 hours a weekend so I can attend the grandkid's sporting events and other local events I enjoy. I have an aunt (Mom's younger sister) who is my emergency backup care giver and a brother who is willing to sit with her after work if I need to be elsewhere. Although I am responsible for arranging 24/7 coverage, I am not stuck at home 24/7 and get at least a small break almost every day. My aunt and her daughter (my cousin the registered nurse) are going to take Mom for 10 days this summer so I can enjoy a vacation with the grandkids.


Although Mom certainly qualifies for AL or maybe MC, she is still doing well at my home and prefers to be here where she sees the family coming and going (kids and grandkids visit 1-2 times a week and at least 1-2 great-grandkids visit daily). In fact Mom doesn't care for day care all that much, often telling me she would rather just stay home.


Mom is 87 with a couple of long standing chronic conditions (spinal stenosis, thyroid, pernicious anemia) but no major health problems, so she could easily live another 10-12 years. My grandmother lived more than 4 years after a fall at 81 that rendered her bed bound and she was suffering CHF at the time of the fall. Mom's overall health today is much better than my grandmother's was at 75. The in home care support costs about 30% of AL/MC and even if those costs increase significantly the money should outlast her life expectancy with enough for a good facility the last 2-3 years. Having enough money is important but it's not everything - Mom's quality of care and happiness are important too. I believe I provide a better quality of care than she would experience in AL/MC. Most of her friends have already died and with her short term memory problems she cannot really make new friends that well. The folks at day care like and remember her, but she doesn't remember them very well.


Since she is happy here and I do not feel I am sacrificing my life to provide her care I see no reason to push her into AL. I promised Mom she could live with me as long as we could make it work but have always stated that when she needed true nursing care she would need to move to a facility where I would make sure she has good care (my bad back won't take some care giving tasks for very long). I placed Dad in MC when I believed that was in his best interests and I will place Mom if I need to - but I just don't think we are there yet. Why is everyone (who have never engaged in her care) think I should? My aunt and my brother (who do help with her care) think she is doing well with me too.


If only the peanut gallery would leave me alone!

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They probably mean well and think they are helping you but you are of course right they really shouldn't be making assessments like that without being part of the actual day to day life and care giving. I have to say the fact that your aunt and brother also feel the way you do about her current living situation should speak volumes to all the "well wishers". I would simply say to them, I appreciate your interest and support and while I don't feel like we are there yet when we are I know I can count on your help, thank you. If they are persistent or they have just frustrated you too much to find generosity you can just say "well guess that's why mom put me (or us if your aunt & brother share decision making) in charge" or "guess I'm not like you, I'm still enjoying having mom home with me too much". "I am still providing a higher quality of care at home with brother and aunts help than any facility can give her but when that changes I'll let you know" and then just let in go in one ear and out the other. The only people I might say who's opinions you might want to consider more strongly is your brother and aunt, other than that you don't need to satisfy or impress anyone else just keep doing what you know feels right. You obviously have far more experience and ability with care giving than any of these well meaning people.
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So easy to sit on the sidelines and offer advice without living a day in your shoes. You know what is best and seem to have a true grasp of your living situation. They don’t. If mom is happy and you’re happy, that in itself is a wonderful thing. Don’t second guess yourself....you seem to have this all under control.
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Need help with mom she asked the question and I answered it
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Hey need help with mom how are you doing today.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
No, I don’t have a problem. I was simply saying that some people aren’t trying to help. They interfere. You know how some people do that. Was in no way a slam towards you. Wasn’t ignoring you either. Was making dinner.
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They are trying to act like they know Best because they are trying to help you .
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Sometimes they are. Sometimes not.

In the end, the decisions are hers and should be respected.
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It sounds like you are on top of things. You sound caring, organized and willing to be there for your mom. I’m sure that you get tired but you don’t sound exasperated or burned out. So given that, I say do what makes you happy. You don’t even have to explain your choice to anyone else if you don’t want to.

This situation is between you, your mom and her doctors. Don’t allow anyone else's ignorance about a situation determine how you feel. Don’t allow yourself to be insulted by them. Sure, situations can become unnerving but trust your instincts, asks for help when you need it. Only take advice from those you trust, the rest throw by the wayside. You sound like you’re doing a great job caring for your mom. Take care, hugs!
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People are Always eager to give advice and criticism about raising children for dogs or caregiving
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My wife turned 84 in Feburary and has had PD for 22yrs , we have been married for 58 yrs in August , we made a pact in our early years of marriage that we thought would be as strong as our wedding vows that in sickness and bad health we would take care of one another, "at home as long as we were able" ,. She has been in steady decline for the past 6 months as there's no cure for the terrible disease and I try to make her as comfortable as I can ,
This week i took her to her neurologist and because of recent falls and the beginning of her wandering he recommended NC or 8 hrs a day of in home care other than myself . On and off for the past 5 years I've had people come in for shorter periods of time as long as 4 hrs a day for as many as 4 days a week .

We had made out are wills several years ago and made our eldest daughter executor and poa for both of us. In August of 2016 my wife had to go into rehabilitation for a short period to regain strength after an illness, needless to say she placed her in a MC facility. Totally by surprise instead of bringing her home ,totally decided by her and her sibling. She stayed a month as it was her wish to be home and at that point I thought it would give additional time to recover.
In the state of Michigan there are alternate ways to get some outside help like the county you live in at reduced rates , they do daycare , companion aid, lite house keeping, help with meal planning and preparation and a long list of other amenities. All that is determined according to the needs, charges are then rated according to your means . It's not charity it comes from our taxes , rates start at about $2.00 per hour to $23.00. They also furnish meals on wheels on a donation schedule all the way to $0 if so needed.
The biggest hardship an elder experiences is lonelyness and with growing older most find they outlive their friends so along with a longstanding illness the lonelyness becomes greater.

We live in a society today where the younger generations have much more busy lives and even with the best bringing up they have become preoccupied with their gadgets and it's hard to find time in their busy lives to share their time with an elder.
Which brings us back to the topic of discussion.

It takes a special person to dedicate their time and compassion to caring for a loved one and till someone has walked in your shoes they need to just shut the h--l up, my daughters chose put their mother in a home rather than even listen to her on the phone and now they have her blocked.

Please keep doing what your doing as I know how hard it is but your reward will not be in this world but in eternity, I'm sure your mother would have done the same for you with her last breath😍😍
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In my experience, there are two reasons: 1) People are genuinely concerned and want to help; 2) People don’t want to feel guilty it into helping out in anyway. So the easy way out is just to offer a piece of advice, and their “part” is over. Again, this is only my experience. Keep up the good work! xoxo
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I'm sorry people are being so insensitive. They may mean well or be trying to help, or may be thinking of their own, different situations, or someone they know, but they need to realize that each situation is different. And not offer opinions when not asked.

I agree with cluing people in before a visit. You might tell them or write them a note or text beforehand with something along the lines of, "Mom is doing well, and is glad she is still here with me, but I've had some people who visited recently asking if I'm moving her to a facility, which I'm not. They've said this in front of mom, which is very upsetting. I'm asking visitors to please not mention anything like that that might upset her, and I thank you in advance for understanding."

Hugs to you, and I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad as well. Prayers for you and your mom.
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Hmm. You say you can let the comments of the "peanut gallery" roll off your back, but it hurts you that their insensitive comments upset your mother and trigger anxiety in her. And that IS a problem!

Is there any way to nip this in the bud, so to speak? To keep it from happening? Do people drop in without warning, or do you know they are coming to visit; do they call first? If the latter, maybe when they call you could clue them in that certain topics are off limits brcause they uset your mom.

I had to do this with certain visitors to my ALZ lady. There was one gal who would come over and just bring up complaints and miseries and sad stories that would upset Miss E to no end, and to no good purpose. I told her if she did it again she would have to leave. She forgot once and I stood up and said, "Thanks for visiting, it was nice to see you, come again," and showed her out. Worked like a charm.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Good for you! If you told her topics were off limits she should respect that.
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You just tell that "peanut gallery" of yours to shut the F up!! What a great write up on how much you have things under control, how you know EXACTLY what your plan is, how you have support in place to help out, how........EVERYTHING. It has been proven that people live MUCH longer and have a better quality of life at home with a loved one rather then in AL.

Why is it that people who have never been doing what is being done have so much to say on how to properly do it???? (I sound like Dr. Seuss)
People need to just take care of their own lives, rather then think they can give advice to others.
Hey, that's an idea. Why don't you give them some advice about their family/finances/education/work decisions IMMEDIATELY when they say a comment to you? Maybe that response will give them a taste of their own medicine and shut them up with a SMILE on their face;)
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Love it!
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Sorry you have to put up with all the peanut gallery!  Some think they have to fix you or Mom because Dad died, and they preach instead of listening or being supportive.  Sounds like you understand and handled it pretty well.  Maybe a few cards in your pocket for them, like, 'It's all taken care of.  No advice needed."  Glad you can vent here.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
I like it!!
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Thank you all for your support. I have learned a lot from this forum over the years. My mother took care of my grandparents and because I am her youngest child, I realized I would still be working when she would need help. So we discussed that my help in her old age would be different - I probably couldn't actually help with her housework but I could hire a cleaning lady. We always planned that Mom would come to live with me so we discussed "terms" decades before she moved in.

I can cope with the peanut gallery, particularly after I began to expect what was coming. What stirs my anger several times every day is the impact it has had on my mother. Mom asks me to sit down a minute because she wants to talk with me, usually as I'm picking up the dishes after sharing a meal or tucking her in for a nap or bed. Then she says something like "they think I should move out" or "I want to stay here". I tell her I'm glad she wants to stay because I really want her to stay too and she seems relieved but because of her short term memory problems we repeat this conversation again. I finally wrote her a note she can re-read and that seems to have helped. I wasn't sure I should write a note at first because I was afraid it would keep reminding her of a conversation I wish she would forget. Now every time we start getting her ready for day care, she asks if I am coming too and then wants absolute conformation she is coming back.

I hate seeing her anxiety over this nonsense! I think her limited mobility and greater dependence combined with my father's death and hearing some of the peanut gallery's comments is driving her unease and I cannot seem to reassure her enough. She has a doctor's appointment next week and I'm thinking of asking if there's some mild anti-anxiety medication that could help for a few weeks.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Do you think the people at daycare could be upsetting her? Are any of the other people about to enter a facility and tell her that she should go too?
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Sign them up. Sign them all up.
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You have been an AC member here for a long time, and it seems you have learned a lot about effective caregiving along the way, Good for you for putting such a great plan of care together for both you and your Mom, she is so Lucky to have you! And also that you had the forthought to lovingly discuss a longterm game plan with her, kudos to you, as it so important to know our strengths as well as our weakneses.

I am thinking that "those people" who are criticizing your caregiving are exatly those who have disposed of their parents into Nursing homes and the like, long before trying every alternative option to keep them at home and they are either jealous of you abilities, or are feeling guilty that they didn't do as great a job as you are doing, plus your love and devotion to your parents may be something that they recognize that they are lacking, but then again, everyone's caregiving situation is different.

As others have mentioned, a few quick "comebacks" like "it is working quite well for the both of us right now", and "as long as my Mom is healthy and happy, and I can comfortably care for her with my great support system that I have in place, then I will continue to do so", snd "it works for us", then I should carry on and not give their snide comments any merit. It really is none of their business.

Fantastic job btw! You should teach courses on keeping seniors at home longer!
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
True, Stacy.

Just accept people where they are. Shoe support instead of always insisting that they need to place a parent in a facility. Or trying to make them feel like they are an oddball if they don’t.
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Ahh, those that don't do always know better. Because they just don't get it.
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Those who are on the sidelines and are NOT in active caregiving are no doubt always willing to put "their 2 cents in." However, it isn't worth even a nickel because they're not in the caregiving role. God bless you.



The heart of a caregiver is a rare element on earth

They define the true meaning and value of God’s worth



The soul of a caregiver is precious and pure

Their spirits are heavenly, of that I am sure



The selfless compassion and love that they share

Provides relief, joy, and comfort just knowing they’re there



Their efforts often unnoticed, full of strength and emotion

Bring peace to the heavens with angelic devotion



Many nights they are restless, their minds filled with unease

Because they devote their lives to tend to others’ needs



There is none more deserving than one with the caregiver ability

They show peace, love, and mercy and give our loved ones dignity



Caregiver, a special place in heaven is waiting for you

There is a special place inside my heart that is reserved for you, too



Thank you for everything, all of it, and more

I pray someone so kind is there for you when you knock on God’s door



~You are loved and respected and cherished

And I wouldn’t have known what to do without you
In memory of Earl T. Huff, Sr. & Dedicated to: The Isadora, Spring Hill, FL
poetry poem Careverse
by Ryann Huff
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Sweet reply, Llama 💗
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I can see why you feel so fed up with this, particularly as it appears to have happened over and over again. Just one other way to take it is that these people have been important enough in your life and your mother’s life to contact you with interest and concern for both of you. It’s not what you want, but getting angry with them isn’t helping you or your mother. Alienating them may not be in your best long-term interests - your mother enjoys her visitors! ‘We’re doing fine at the moment, but that may be something to think about eventually – not for now’ is totally accurate and less stressful all round. You are doing a great job, just keep your head together.
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Hugs! & Kudos for following your heart.

its in their name (our name) and we mean no harm. “Care”. Care for yourself before burnout or something worse. You’ve read these horror stories here and how we all reach out to help. In a nutshell that’s it.

Enjoy it it while you can & god bless!!!
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Lizhappens Mar 2019
Oh goodness gracious. When I read your title line my brain totally skipped the word
-non-. UGG. Sorry. I thought your talking about other caregivers trying to give you advice that were driving you batty. Goodness I have to be more awake reading!

my peev about non-caregivers, and caregivers who are not caring (i’m not talking about burnout, I’m talking about those who are in it for the money) is the assumption of how little our loved ones are still present just because they’re old or even when they have dementia. They’re not always “gone” and what is left i see that they’re truly trying to hang on. I love that poem About the crabby old woman where she wants you to still see her. That is just so true. Breaks my heart. God bless you for loving your mother so much. There needs to be more people like you.
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I believe it's a generational thing , life today is so busy with selfish indeavers that comprehension of someone doing something kind or nice for somebody else other than themselves never comes to mind.
They are truly exposing themselves and are showing their true selves, I'm experiencing the same problem and it's just not worth the effort to even respond, I chose to just ignore them
Only you know what you're capable of, I think you're doing a great job, keep up the good work 😍
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Please ignore the peanut gallery! for whatever reason we have become a society that thinks we not only know everything but that our opinions are the only ones that hold any merit. As long as your mother is happy and you are able to continue the care she needs ‘and you want to’ then it is your decision not aunts or cousins. I am sure they are well meaning but you need to do what is best for your mom and you. Good luck and continue to enjoy your momma. Mine lives with me and will be 95 this summer, I am truly Blessed
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I was told to start looking for a place for my mom when she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. The doctor told me, my brother told me, and a support group told me to. I didn't. I always figure I will do that if and when I need to, so why waste the energy. I managed to keep my mom in her home by going every morning and getting her showered, dressed, fed and plied with snacks for the day. She did fine. She broke her pelvis at 88 and recovered well. She stayed in her own home until she was 90 1/2. She spent the last two weeks at the hospital and in hospice after a fall, another broken pelvis, and for some reason, she could no longer eat. She would foam at the mouth. It didn't help that the nursing staff fed her a grilled cheese sandwich, chocolate pudding and chocolate milk after I told them she was lactose intolerant. Do what you think is best for your mom. I did and don't regret it at all.
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Short answer, because they feel guilty they would not be willing to do what you are doing. Ignore them.
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Nettijo Mar 2019
👍🏻
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You're doing a great job with your Mom and have a wonderful support system in place! She is truly blessed to have a multi-generational family that comes to visit so regularly!

As for those people who, possibly with the best of intentions, try to tell you how to run your lives, you also seem to be handling them just fine as well. You can tell them anything from, "Thank you, we're doing just fine, " to, "That's really none of your bloody business," depending on whether they really mean to be helpful and supportive or actually become invasive and insensitive.

Sometimes people with the best of intentions can be the hardest to deal with. I think they think their concern gives them special privileges to push the boundaries of propriety. Like CMouse said above, you need 101 ready answers for when they take you by surprise. Maybe write some down and practice saying them (even the outrageous ones!) to give yourself permission to use them when the need arises.

Meanwhile, blessings to you and your Mom. How fortunate you are to have one another! 💕
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Anything that’s really difficult to do is ALWAYS easier before finding yourself called upon to do it.
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I imagine they're seeing the toll that care taking has taken on you, and they're trying to look out for you. They also may feel bad that they aren't helping more, or don't know how to because you're doing the heavy lifting.
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I think you have it all together. You have help and you have made sure you get time to yourself. I agree with you. Mom does better with you at this point.
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A lot of this is coming during condolence phone calls and I haven't said as much as I might like because Mom is here in the house and can hear it all. The person who initially brought this up was in person at the house in my mother's presence. Spoke as though Mom wasn't even here. I promptly showed him the door with a "don't bother to visit us again" on the way out. It upset Mom even though I told her that _person_ didn't have any voice at all in where she lives. I've been telling others "I just don't see how that's any of your business". I guess I was just shocked at first; never occurred to me that people would see Dad's death as an "opportunity" to place Mom.
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In my experience the vast majority who haven't been-there-done-that just assume that all old people who aren't independent belong in nursing homes, in fact I know that people were taken aback and thought I was very strange when they found out that I wasn't employed and that my "job" was taking care of my mother.
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debbye Mar 2019
I have found this to be true, also. I've had several comments on my posts that maybe it's time to put mom in a facility. My sister believes she should be in one. I live with her and have not been as successful as the original poster in lining up outside help. But I know in my heart that putting her in a facility is not the right thing to do. When I can no longer take care of her, different story, but not now. People who make these comments have no idea what someone's situation is or what they would do in the same situation.
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