It is now at the point where my mom needs to come live with us. She needs help managing medications, hygiene , nutrition, etc. We will gladly take her in, though I have a major concern.
She is very, very negative. Pretty much doesn’t like anyone and her new target is my husband. She says he gives her dirty looks when no one is looking and is sarcastic, etc. She has never really cared for him, though she knows he is a wonderful husband and father. The Alzheimer’s has made her feelings worse. She has told off many people in her family already (we have just a handful of people now) and I’m afraid he is next. She and I had a big talk about it, but it’s still an issue. I don’t know if she forgot the conversation or is still just on a mission.
Her sister passed away from dementia a few years ago and almost ruined the marriage between her son and daughter in law. I don’t want that and I can’t handle the stress of constantly defending. My husband has geared himself up for interacting with her and is trying to remind himself that she isn’t in her right mind. When she is low, then it gets very very bad.
I feel sick. I almost wonder if I should just move in with her and care for her in her own home (which is a hoarder home). She always worries that she’s a burden, but the only time she is, is when she’s I cooperative and mean. Other than that, I will gladly help clean and feed her and spend time with her.
I dont want this to be a be a burden for my husband and kids....though they are very kind and would help.
She doesnt want to come here...1) it’s not her home 2) overwhelming to try to find things to pack (though I would help) 3) doesn’t like my husband and 4) can’t handle leaving the house and car rides.
On top of it..she lives with my sister who is quite ill and can no longer care for her. I never imagined this being such a mess.
Your mother is one person. There is also your sister (who absolutely needs to be relieved of caregiving), you, your husband and your children. The "wants" of one person should not outweigh the wellbeing of multiple other persons.
Is there really no way you could put her in a facility? What does she expect to happen? Does she realize your sister's health issues?
I just dont know.
heres the thing about moving my mom into a facility. ...she’s not quite there yet. I don’t think? I mean, she knows exactly who we are and where she is. She never knows the date, but understands this time in her life. She can’t manage money, medicine or hygiene...or nutrition. She does imagine things (such as my husband being mean to her when no one is looking, or the neighbors spying on them in the backyard)...besides that..she is very aware. There’s no way we could put her in a home while she realizes what’s going on.
At what point do people usually have loved ones go Into full tome care?
However, your last comment about your sister being very ill must be addressed. Just because she can’t come to your house, doesn’t mesn your mom can stay with your sister it sounds like your sister needs help.
What can you do to help her? Have you looked for alternative housing?
She has Alz and is mean and uncooperative and negative. She is not going to be any better than she is at this moment, and will get worse.
She will not remember your talks.
You have a husband and kids. As someone who has had parental units with Alz in my home, with my kids, I would not EVER do it again. And these were people I loved deeply, who loved my kids deeply. Who were positive and helpful and kind and happy. Alz changed them into people that I had to protect my kids from.
You feel sick. That is your body telling you this is not a good idea.
There are ways to get placement even if she doesn’t have the resources. It isn’t easy and you will struggle through it, but in the end, you will have a life and memories with your family and your health.
If you move her in or you, what... leave your family? to move in with her, you all lose those things.
And she is no better off because the problem is the disease, not her living situation. You cannot take away the Alz. I know you wish you could. I know it feels like if you can just take care of her, it will be better for her. But it won’t. And you are taking a great risk of hurting your family deeply in the process.
Helping her means making sure she has proper care in a place that can handle her needs. Loving her means visiting, bringing flowers and laughing with her or hugging her when she is sad. It is hard not to confuse the two when a desperate situation is calling for a solution.
But don’t back yourself into a corner you cannot get out of. I know it seems hard now, but you cannot imagine how hard it is to move someone once you have moved them in. I can hear the worry in your post, and I am very sorry you are in this situation.
From my heart to yours, the best thing to do is keep a clear head. Try this... solve the problem as if you were helping a friend decide. Or as if you lived on the moon and could not possibly be in a direct care role.
There is hope in this. But, you will have to let go of guilt and fear of her anger and worry of what “others” may think. (Hint: “others” are usually one or two very vocal people who are a pain in the butt, but no help. Or there are no “others”. We just think someone may think ill of us.) This is not easy, but you can do it.
If she has Alz, I promise you... someone, somewhere is going to think ill of how you handle things, no matter what you do. You need to thicken your skin and soldier on doing what is right... but not just for your mom. Right for your mom means safe and cared for.
But, your first obligation is to your husband and your kids. You are THEIR mom. You need to be with them and raise them and love them. If your attention is given to doing the work of a one-woman nursing facility, those are the things that get dropped. This kind of care requires that the important gets dropped for the urgent every time.
Again, I say this with kindness and empathy. I just am further down the stretch of road you are just beginning to travel down and hope my experience can help you see the forest rather than get mired down in the trees.
From what you describe she doesn't sound likely to go along with anything you plan. I'm not sure how you'd get her into a facility. You can get social services involved so that you're not the "bad guy". Also, it is very easy to go broke providing care for LOs. Please don't do that either. Medicaid will provide everything she needs. Wishing you peace in your heart whatever the outcome.