We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on. In fact, it may have gotten worse. In the beginning we saw each other twice a week. Now, only once, or even every other week. I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain. We live 30 minutes from each other so it is not easy to just come by on a daily basis for a short visit.
His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing, now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time. I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes. Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95.
My BF did go to college and did work as an engineer for several years until they closed down the company he worked for. Since then he has worked part time jobs while taking care of his dad.
His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility. He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave.
My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more. I know nothing will change until his dad passes. I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage. I'm 46 and not getting any younger. My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years.
Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him? I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge, and for that i would feel terribly guilty. I love him very much and i just want to be with him. The way things are now, I feel like we have an on-again-off-again relationship because we see each other so seldom.
I know this sounds more like an advice for the love-lorn letter, but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks, in advance.
Well, I talked to some of his family members and they say his parents were not controlling and were not trying to make him stay. He was free to go whenever he wanted. He decided to stay because his mother had cancer and he wanted to take care of her.. Apparently, his dad has just recently, within the last 3 or 4 years, gotten like that.
BF had been seeing a lady for 2 years b4 his mom died (how is it that he can have a relationship while caring for his mom and working his full-time engineering job?) and continued to see her for a year afterward. But she was a religious freak and, to put it in his words--if the church's doors were open she was there. He went to church with her on Sundays, but she wanted him to go 2 or 3 times during the week, too. He didn't want to, but she kept pushing and pushing and wouldn't leave it alone. As the relationship continued she got more and more demanding of him. He was going to marry her, but he broke it off. Now, I know I've been pretty demanding of him, at times, and he hasn't protested, so she must have been extremely demanding for him to break it off with her. He's a pretty tolerant guy.
Now, he is caring for his dad and once again in a relationship for almost 3 years..Must be a pretty good guy to be able to do that. A keeper, in my book.
Oh, and he is not commited to taking care of his dad once he needs 24-hour care. When that happens, he is going to a 24-hour care facility. He says he's not into bathing him and changing his diapers. He says he can't do it. It would be too hard, emotionally, for him. And I think it would leave his dad with some dignity to have someone other than his son doing that for him.
Why would you want to do that? Are you kidding? That kind of behavior can be hazardous to your heath. I wouldn't advise it.
And if we're 'too serious' Waiting, it's because we've had to look some harsh, ugly reality in the face for a long, long time. You don't come out of the trenches feeling frivolous and perky. Your bf won't either, especially as his dad continues to get worse and gets harder to look after and the reality gets uglier, and much sadder. This role will change people for life. I'll never be the same person again after 10+ years of caring for my mom. It's been 2 1/2 months since she died and I'm just now experiencing all of the suppressed emotions I felt for all those years. People in this role must suppress lots of intense, heavy emotions and pain and they must do it to get through the day, every single day. Your man is going to come out of this exhausted and it's going to affect him for awhile. Maybe not to the good either.
The last few days I've simply wanted to be alone and to be left alone. I crave and need solitude. Why? Because so many demands were placed upon me for so many years. Taking care of an alz patient IS a 24/7 job and it's even harder if you're going at it alone. For endless years I could NEVER relax. Why? Because I knew in the back of my mind that even when I was asleep, I had to be alert on some level in case my mom tried to get up, or needed something. And it was always something, around the clock, especially in the last 2-3 years when the alz got really bad. As a result of that, for me personally, I can't even begin to imagine anyone wanting or needing too much out of me right now because frankly, I don't have it to give. I have nothing to give. I don't want to make efforts for anyone, not for a long, long time. Why? Because my mom already got all my effort and it drained me to a husk. Someone else in my life, wanting something, needing something, requiring something? No. Please no. Hell no. I just can't even begin to imagine a relationship right now. To me, it feels like one more chore, one more thing I'd have to DO for SOMEBODY ELSE and I don't want to do squat for anyone else. I don't want someone needing me to do this or do that, or be here at this time, or be there at that time. I don't want to know a damn thing about someone else's unhappiness, or know they're sulking or upset or pissy, if I fail to....do whatever the hell I'm supposed to do for them and didn't because I didn't freaking feel like it.... God no. I can't handle anyone's wants and needs right now. I plan to be selfish for awile. I plan to do nothing but think of myself...for a change...and do for myself...for a change. I'm the most selfish bitch on the planet right now. I couldn't give a tinker's damn about anyone else's wants and needs right now and if they looked to me for satisfaction, I'd feel nothing but resentment.
I know I'm looking at relationships from a skewed vantage point. But that's the point. Care givers leave a little of their sanity behind when their role as care givers is over. I know on some level what good relationships are supposed to be, but personally, I don't have it in me right now to care much about someone else. I need to care about ME for a while, without anyone else in the mix.
You can't even begin to imagine the crazy fun house that a care givers mind becomes, and you damn sure can't imagine what darkness actually lurks in people that have grown up with and lived with a narcissist...especially the ones like your man that never escaped them.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess knowing first hand what a number dealing with a controlling, narcissistic type can do to someone. And most male serial killers have controlling, narcissistic mothers. No, I'm not saying your man is destined to start going on killing sprees. lol Most of us retain the vast majority of our sanity. But even so, take on someone like your man, with his background and the mental confusion and anxiety this guy must feel at never having left the nest at what, 50-something? Oh God, never. Not even if he was the nicest guy on the planet. Envy you, Waiting? No. I thank God I'm not you. But don't sweat it. As long as you don't have too many wants, needs or expectations, or are willing to swallow them on a daily basis, you should be happy in this relationship. Yes, standing by your man is such a noble concept...
And I have been educated from this forum. Got some ideas, like you said, how my BF's mind may (or may not) be operating. Got some ideas on what I may expect to happen in the future.
But what most people don't understand is that my BF is very senstive. He's also very genuine. He's not a game-player. He's serious about our relationship but he is his dad's caregiver. He definitely does not want to lose me. He wants to get married but his hands are tied for the moment.
I think that you asked a question, during a time of serious frustration, and the majority of answers given supported you ... leaving. That put your back up, in defense, because you LOVE THE GUY .. and being challenged just reinforced what you already knew. You're gonna stay the course and work it out. Yay for you (I say that in all seriousness)!!
What I think YOU fail to understand is that the majority of the folks who've responded are either in your boyfriend's position of caring for an elder, or recently gone through a long stint of it. It *should* be pointing out to you just how your boyfriend's mind might be operating (whether he says it aloud or not). I don't think a one of your responders are the least bit jealous. Quite the contrary. I bet they can't even conceive of being in a position to be the kind of giving person it takes to being in a full time, long term relationship. To be in a fully loving relationship takes equality and fairness. One-sided relationships rarely last long enough to talk about, let alone last long enough to remember.
I get that you're feeling blasted by some of the answers. Meh .. ::chuckles:: .. welcome to AgingCare where people are tired, frustrated and .. tired.
1 Corinthians 13:4-13.
And he did not set out to hurt me like some are implying. His dad was fine when we first started seeing each other. He is a sincere, loving person who truly is looking for a forever partner in his life.
I wish you enough...
Selfish? Well then I am too because I wonder when in the world I am ever going to have my own life back or even if I'll be too old to enjoy it. I'd love to be free to do whatever I want and I also want my loved one to be free because she's certainly not living anymore, just breathing and existing.
If this was my dog I would put it down.
Probably for the same reason it's not a good idea to stay on a sinking ship after a certain point.
I too live simply and spend a lot of time renovating my house and working my land, though I have outside interests as well. Some of my friends think my lifestyle is "quaint", others I'm sure think I'm crazy lol but whatever makes anyone happy.
And GrowingTree, you think like I do about it. There's no way I would have dragged someone into my mess of a life when I was caring for my mom. Who had the time anyway? All I wanted to do when I did, on the rare occasion, have time to myself, was SLEEP. At the time, even considering a relationship because I might have been lonely, felt like the most selfish thing I could do to someone else and I wasn't willing to go there.
As I said. His dad is 95. He has lived his life. He had a wife and family. They did things together. Took vacations together, etc, etc. He is just basically waiting to die. Why does he not think his son deserves the same things he had in life? Why can't he let go of him? It is so unfair! I understand some of it is fear. Maybe all of it is fear. But he knows his son would still be there for him when he could. He has been told that. Sometimes trying to reason with a person with dementia is like talking to a brick wall!
I almost wish my BF didn't have such a good heart. He takes everything his dad says personally, even though I have told him that it is the dementia speaking, not his dad.
Ok, just venting again. Probably not the best place to do it. Yes, I know BF needs to stand up to dad. Yes, I know his dad will always be first....I know....I know.
God bless an keep you strong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing is when the new fight starts for me I'm not alone, I never have been. I grew strong in what I believe before it was needed, I didn't wait for the last minute to use it I had built it up (Faith) long before the big battle began. I to will sleep for a couple of weeks, but then I'll start my new chapter, I'm not looking forward to it, as I said day at a time. But ones the pain subsides, with God's help I can do all things, an I will. But for now I'm giving this battle 110%. So don't worry, tomorrow is not today. You don't know what's about to happen next, so why worry, you'll be amazed the doors that will open when you start down that next road that life puts you on, I know I'm not!
God bless you and keep you strong.