We have been seeing each other a little over 2 years and nothing has changed since day on. In fact, it may have gotten worse. In the beginning we saw each other twice a week. Now, only once, or even every other week. I want to see him more often, but I know the stress he is under, and I feel like I'm nagging and causing him more stress if I complain. We live 30 minutes from each other so it is not easy to just come by on a daily basis for a short visit.
His dad is very demanding and wants him there 24/7. At first, it was just a selfish thing, now it has turned into that his dad is getting dementia and almost can't be left alone for long periods of time. I try to be understanding, but it's hard sometimes. Here's the clincher--he has never left home because his parents have always been very posessive of him. His mother didn't want him to date, or marry, or leave their house. He did everything for his mother. Took her grocery shopping, clothes shopping, doctor appointments, etc. She died about 11 years ago and he continued to live there to take care of his dad, who is 95.
My BF did go to college and did work as an engineer for several years until they closed down the company he worked for. Since then he has worked part time jobs while taking care of his dad.
His dad refuses to have outside help come in so that my BF can get a break and we can have more time together. He also refuses to go to senior day care centers or assisted living facility. He constantly cuts my BF down. I think he does this to lower his confidence so that he will believe that he needs his dad to survive and he won't leave.
My BF tells me he would've gone off the deep end if it wasn't for me. But, I feel like I'm nothing more than his once a week stress-releaser, and nothing more. I know nothing will change until his dad passes. I wasted the best years of my life in a very bad marriage. I'm 46 and not getting any younger. My BF is 51 and he still hasn't had a life of his own. His dad could live another 10 years.
Am I wrong for not wanting to wait until I'm almost 60 to start my life together with him? I know if I broke it off with him it would send him over the edge, and for that i would feel terribly guilty. I love him very much and i just want to be with him. The way things are now, I feel like we have an on-again-off-again relationship because we see each other so seldom.
I know this sounds more like an advice for the love-lorn letter, but I am desperate, here. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated. Thanks, in advance.
Just kidding! :D
Yes, yes, waiting for your man is certainly noble... I think I'd take some excitement instead at this point. lol
Now, if my favorite equestrian sport horse team wins over your team, I'm going to 'I told you so' all over the place...
And I fully admit and acknowledge my psychological issues. I discuss them quite often around here. ;)
You keep reading your Bible, that's the truth, not church an not people.
2 Corinthians 2:14
Stay strong, an keep fighting 4life, an Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not picking fights, giving logical, truthful responses to untrue accusations. Obviously, some people on here just don't get it and never will. You all have your own psychological issues. Yes, I do believe caregiving takes your sanity. It is very evident here.
Standing.....sheesh! Give it rest, already!
You're going to stand your ground, go for it and quit whining about the getting together once a week. You can change things and only you. If you choose not to, tis up to you. It's a free country if you hadn't noticed. Get a pair of big girl panties, suck it up or get out but for god's sake stop with the whining and trying to justify yourself. It's getting so old. Seems like you're here just to pick fights for some reason. Good luck with that because it doesn't matter to anyone here. We're used to dealing with people who have psychological issues.
I personally couldn't care less if you stay with this guy or not and don't think anyone else does either. Your choices only affect you and yours.
Just understand that some people won't consider it funny if you try and get a rise out of them on a regular basis because that's some habit you've got. That's all. You say you won't do that anymore. That's a very good thing, imo.
Do what you have to do, Waiting, what your gut tells you to do. If you think you've found the Holy Grail in this man, so be it. All that matters is what YOU believe, not what we think.
I don't have to defend my BF. He speaks for himself. As I said, everyone who knows him tells me what a good guy he is. But nobody I know has ever been in a relationship where they don't get angry at some point and vent. But he is SO the opposite of my ex, which is such a blessing!
Obviously, he has talked to his family about his feelings for me because he has told several of them that he wants to marry me. They have indicated this to me. Even his 83 year old aunt! Everybody who knows him tells me what a good guy he is...honest, trustworthy, etc. And I know this from personal experience.
He has moved some of his stuff to my house. He talks of the future all the time, with me being in it. No, he has not gotten me an engagement ring, yet. But he did give me a heart pendent with both of our birthstones in the middle of it. That counts for something. He will show me the chinese horoscopes, on the restaurant placemats, that tell who you are compatable with. According to it we are not the best together, but he assures me it is ok because it also says his parents aren't compatable and they loved each other very much and had a wonderful marriage together. That and a thousand other things he says and does make me know that it will happen, eventually.
A vent is just that....a vent! I vent to my BF all the time about work, etc. He knows I'm just venting and that I don't expect him to fix it, just lend an ear so I can unload. But I won't do it anymore on here.
On another forum, some chick talked about how lousy her man treated her, including smacking her around now and again. When everyone agreed, that yeah, he was lousy alright, you should have seen the 360 this woman did. Oh no, he wasn't THAT bad, really. He just got irritated after a hard days work once and awhile. And seriously, she was just pissy when she wrote all that stuff. Oh, it was such a SMALL smack, after all, and if she hadn't...whatever...he wouldn't have done it, and he's not really 'that kind' of guy... Yup. See it all the time. It didn't surprise me to see the same thing here either.
Personally, Waiting, it's not that I was offended. When I read that comment about how you like to push buttons to see how far you can go, my hackles went up immediately and just the thought of someone doing that to me, and getting off on it, pissed me off. I lived with one of those. For 48 years. My mom LOVED pushing some buttons, yes indeed. She never knew when to quit either. She just pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed until all I could think about was killing her if that's what would make her stop and sometimes it got ugly. I literally resorted to death threats to just make her STOP already. She lived to get a rise out of people, see how far she could go. Living with her was a nightmare.
The thought of ever having to confront that kind of behavior from anyone else, ever, for any reason, makes me feel a little queasy and the feelings I get at the mere thought of anyone trying to play me like that is far from warm and fuzzy.
For me, that kind of behavior toward me is anything but funny or humorous and my first instinct in that kind of situation, faced with that kind of person, would be to get as far away as fast as I could...and stay away.
I've described living with my mom as being a tiger in a cage and she the one with the stick, poking away at me. There's nothing amusing about being on the receiving end of that. I find it hard to believe that anyone on the planet would find it funny...
I'd rethink this behavior, Waiting. Seriously.