How do I maintain a relationship with a caregiver who's father rules over him and only lets us see each other once a week?

His dad needs him there to make sure he takes his meds every morning and evening, and to make sure he eats, and just to make sure he isn't doing things he shouldn't. That's not 24/7 care. He's still continent. He still bathes himself, etc. Just is very forgetful and thinks he can still do things that he can't. He does need him there every day, just not all day.

That's right... It is my choice to take advice or not take it. I appreciate everyone's input and I'm explaining to you all why I'm not taking it. I also explained that I know what I'm getting myself into but I have decided to stay with him, anyway. It has been a great help to recieve opinions from people who are in his similar situation. I just don't like people trying to shove it down my throat when I don't take that advice. I appreciate the suggestions and your explainations why, but I have made my decision. Like I said---if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. And I only have myself to blame if it doesn't. I am willing to take that risk because I feel he is worth it. I am the one who has to deal with it if it doesn't work out.

Also, one reason we have a hard time finding time to spend together is that I work full time at a hospital on 2nd shift. He works 1st shift at his job.

Waiting4alife, It's OKAY. I understand where you're coming from. Truly. I chose to stay all these years with my parents, putting up with the abuses. I understand that some posters were fed up with me and wanted me to just pack up and leave. I cannot do that and live with myself and damaging what little spirituality I have left. Because I know this, I do my best not to vent here on AC. People don't want to hear me vent over and over and yet not do anything about my situation. So, I only vent when I can't take it anymore. I either vent or I think of the FINAL solution for my problems. I choose venting. I'm just careful not to overdo it where it reaches a point that people will ignore me because, "Oh, there goes Book again...." It's such a fine line I walk here. I don't take, take, take without also giving. Know what I mean? There are some great threads/discussions here that you might like. They're not as depressing, but funny, humorous. You can also put your spin of the humor of caregiving.... on those specific threads...because readers know that this is for humor.

"You guys take things so seriously. I wasn't trying to offend anyone. You need to let things roll off you instead of making you angry. I apologize to anyone who was offended. I use humor to combat stress, but I've encountered people who don't understand me and my family's type of humor, before. So, I'll can it."

Personally, Waiting, it's not that I was offended. When I read that comment about how you like to push buttons to see how far you can go, my hackles went up immediately and just the thought of someone doing that to me, and getting off on it, pissed me off. I lived with one of those. For 48 years. My mom LOVED pushing some buttons, yes indeed. She never knew when to quit either. She just pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed until all I could think about was killing her if that's what would make her stop and sometimes it got ugly. I literally resorted to death threats to just make her STOP already. She lived to get a rise out of people, see how far she could go. Living with her was a nightmare.

The thought of ever having to confront that kind of behavior from anyone else, ever, for any reason, makes me feel a little queasy and the feelings I get at the mere thought of anyone trying to play me like that is far from warm and fuzzy.

For me, that kind of behavior toward me is anything but funny or humorous and my first instinct in that kind of situation, faced with that kind of person, would be to get as far away as fast as I could...and stay away.

I've described living with my mom as being a tiger in a cage and she the one with the stick, poking away at me. There's nothing amusing about being on the receiving end of that. I find it hard to believe that anyone on the planet would find it funny...

I'd rethink this behavior, Waiting. Seriously.

And I never expected you to take any of this advice, Waiting. I expected you to do exactly what you did...do the big turn around, the 'now I have to defend my man and convince everyone(actually yourself)that he really is Mr. Wonderful' stand when people gave you their honest opinions, which wasn't what you were after. I've seen that kind of mess over and over.

On another forum, some chick talked about how lousy her man treated her, including smacking her around now and again. When everyone agreed, that yeah, he was lousy alright, you should have seen the 360 this woman did. Oh no, he wasn't THAT bad, really. He just got irritated after a hard days work once and awhile. And seriously, she was just pissy when she wrote all that stuff. Oh, it was such a SMALL smack, after all, and if she hadn't...whatever...he wouldn't have done it, and he's not really 'that kind' of guy... Yup. See it all the time. It didn't surprise me to see the same thing here either.

Exactly, Bookluvr. Honestly, I'm not trying to tick people off. Last thing I want to do! What's the diff between me staying with the caregiver and the caregiver staying with their loved one? 6 of one, half dozen of the other. Both are true devotion.

Obviously, he has talked to his family about his feelings for me because he has told several of them that he wants to marry me. They have indicated this to me. Even his 83 year old aunt! Everybody who knows him tells me what a good guy he is...honest, trustworthy, etc. And I know this from personal experience.

He has moved some of his stuff to my house. He talks of the future all the time, with me being in it. No, he has not gotten me an engagement ring, yet. But he did give me a heart pendent with both of our birthstones in the middle of it. That counts for something. He will show me the chinese horoscopes, on the restaurant placemats, that tell who you are compatable with. According to it we are not the best together, but he assures me it is ok because it also says his parents aren't compatable and they loved each other very much and had a wonderful marriage together. That and a thousand other things he says and does make me know that it will happen, eventually.

A vent is just that....a vent! I vent to my BF all the time about work, etc. He knows I'm just venting and that I don't expect him to fix it, just lend an ear so I can unload. But I won't do it anymore on here.

Just dropped back in. Is this the stupidest thread ever or what? Not being rude, but I'm starting to believe some people have too much time on their hands.

My BF has never hit me. He has never so much as raised his voice to me. That is no comparison, whatsoever, to me and my BF. He wouldn't hurt a fly! Sorry you wanted to kill your mother. Surely, I'm not as bad as her for only trying to produce humor just one time, and I hope you don't want to kill me. I said I would not do that anymore.

I don't have to defend my BF. He speaks for himself. As I said, everyone who knows him tells me what a good guy he is. But nobody I know has ever been in a relationship where they don't get angry at some point and vent. But he is SO the opposite of my ex, which is such a blessing!

And I'm not denying that the situation is....difficult?...unusual?...whatever you want to call it....not normal. But.....I'M NOT LEAVING HIM! PERIOD!!!!

It is pretty ridiculous, isn't it, Jessiebelle? Never dreamed it would come to this, but I'm not backing down. I'm standing up for what I believe in. But some people can't/won't accept that. So....I guess I'm beng ridiculous, too....or stubborn. What I should do is just wash my hands of it. My attitude is live and let live and don't shove your beliefs down peoples' throat. Tell them your thoughts and let them decide what's best for them. And if necessary, agree to disagree.

I didn't mean to imply that your bf hit you, Waiting. Different circumstances, same reaction. I find those reactions interesting.

I personally couldn't care less if you stay with this guy or not and don't think anyone else does either. Your choices only affect you and yours.

Just understand that some people won't consider it funny if you try and get a rise out of them on a regular basis because that's some habit you've got. That's all. You say you won't do that anymore. That's a very good thing, imo.

Do what you have to do, Waiting, what your gut tells you to do. If you think you've found the Holy Grail in this man, so be it. All that matters is what YOU believe, not what we think.

So daddyo won't let you see BF more than once a week yet BF isn't caring for daddyo 24/7 so he has a lot of time to play.. You are a once a week, ahem "stress release". Wonder how many other "stress release" women he has on the go. Unless you're with him 24/7 you will never know.

You're going to stand your ground, go for it and quit whining about the getting together once a week. You can change things and only you. If you choose not to, tis up to you. It's a free country if you hadn't noticed. Get a pair of big girl panties, suck it up or get out but for god's sake stop with the whining and trying to justify yourself. It's getting so old. Seems like you're here just to pick fights for some reason. Good luck with that because it doesn't matter to anyone here. We're used to dealing with people who have psychological issues.

Oh, so now he's cheating on me. LMAO!!!!! I know...pay backs, haha! You got me! Good one!

Not picking fights, giving logical, truthful responses to untrue accusations. Obviously, some people on here just don't get it and never will. You all have your own psychological issues. Yes, I do believe caregiving takes your sanity. It is very evident here.

Standing.....sheesh! Give it rest, already!

God love you life, you do what your heart tell you, not others, you do what's right, an close your heart to wrong. Because what you let in, can be hard at times to get out.

You keep reading your Bible, that's the truth, not church an not people.

2 Corinthians 2:14

Stay strong, an keep fighting 4life, an Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not harping on anything, Waiting. I commented on something brought up in this thread twice. Just doing what you're doing...giving responses and opinions.

And I fully admit and acknowledge my psychological issues. I discuss them quite often around here. ;)

Thank you, GrowingTree. I am also one of those "WWJD?" people. And WWJ want me to do, people. I don't think he would want me to abandon him when he needs me more than ever. The conversation BF and I had last night has answered a lot of my questions and confirmed what I already knew. He wants me in his life permanently.

Actions speak louder than words, Waiting. Let us know when you see some. I hope to God this all turns out just like you want it to, for your sake. I mean that. I hope every single one of us in this thread is dead wrong.

No, I believe you hope it will fail so you can have the pleasure of saying, "I told you so!" This whole thread has screamed those words. I can read between lines.

Sorry, I shouldn't have grouped everyone as a whole. Some of these people gave very good advice and were very helpful in a polite way. They took the time to explain their situation and how they are going about dealing with the issues.I thank them!

Wrong. I wouldn't get one iota of pleasure out of saying those words. And I wouldn't stoop to that anyway, at least, not about that. That would be kicking you when you were down and turning me into my mother.

Now, if my favorite equestrian sport horse team wins over your team, I'm going to 'I told you so' all over the place...

"I'm not backing down. I'm standing up for what I believe in" so why ask the question in the first place? You're obviously very happy playing second fiddle forever and as long as you're happy that's all that matters.

Exactly.....

Ash, I believe I've said this before, And I know this conradicts what I said in my initial question. But I realize that some of what People in here have been saying is possibly true. If I were to break it off with him my life would not change much except to not have a date on Saturday night. I also said that if I did break it off I would not seek another. So....I may as well enjoy my Saturday nights wit him. I have not put my life on hold, waiting with my breath held. I understand there's a possibility it might not. And I'm prepared for that if it doesn't. Yes, NOW I am happy. Becasue I have accepted the fact that it could be like this for a few more years until he finally is free to marry me. In the meantime I still enjoy life and I'm trying not to put all my eggs in one basket. I still get out with friends, do things with my daughter, work, take care of my house and property....just like I would be if I wasn't still seeing him. 2nd fiddle? Maybe. Ruining my life because of it? Not at all! Life goes on. BF, or no BF. Like I said, this is contradictory, but I have realized that this is how I must see it. And that's fine.

We're all on the same page then. And really, distance can be a good thing. I mean, how else are you going to spend some good quality time, in fact, entire days and nights when you're off work, with that hot new lover who gives you all you're lacking now? hee hee

Just kidding! :D

Yes, yes, waiting for your man is certainly noble... I think I'd take some excitement instead at this point. lol

Here's the deal. I think that your BF needs some help. He is at the point where he needs to transition from being a son to actually being a caregiver of his father and taking more of a parental or managerial role in this situation as opposed to allowing his father to rule the house. Your BF's dad has dementia and from the sounds of it, he is probably stage 5 or early stage 6. There are 7 stages, btw, so he's fairly far along the arc of the disease, which is fatal and progressive in all cases. Incidentally, I don't know when the father was diagnosed, but the vast majority of patients diagnose over the age of 84 succumb to the disease on average within 6 years of diagnosis. It could be longer or shorter, dementia is incredibly individual. Right now, your BF's dad can be left alone for a few hours, sort of, but he has gotten into mischief multiple times. He is paranoid and refuses outside help - both of these are symptoms of this disease which should be ignored by his caregiver in regards to making decisions about care. The paranoia and refusal of outside help are based on two things: 1. Fear of losing control and 2. agitation caused by the brain damage the father is experiencing. Hopefully, your BF has already got his father's medical and financial Power of Attorney. If not, he really needs to get these documents NOW or your BF is going to be in a huge mess as his father's disease progresses. If your BF has the POA documents, then it is HIS decision, not his fathers, as to if there will be caregivers in the house and even as to where his father resides and the fact is, in a short amount of time, there will have to be caregivers in the house because the father is going to require 24x7 care. The father really should not be left alone at all at this point because he might do something like decide to heat up some soup, put it on the stove, forget about it and burn the house down. He has already had a number of close calls such as the roof incident. So, realistically, the father needs someone to prevent him from causing harm to himself or others. Later on he will start wandering at night and your BF cannot stay up 24x7x7. It's physically impossible. So, the fact is, your BF needs to make a change in how he is managing the situation and recognize that HE is now the person who is in charge of his father and his father's home. This is a difficult transition to make. I know, because I had to do this with my mother. I am also an only child, but unlike your BF, I separated myself from my parents, had a career and got married. I don't have children, but I do know how to manage and parent my parents. When my mom developed dementia, she refused to have help in the house and the house got filthy and laundry piled up for 3 months at which point, as POA, I stepped in and made some much needed changes. My dad is still alive, btw, but he would do anything NOT to anger mom because she would yell at him for hours, also, he is in early stages of dementia. Me, I don't care if mom is mad at me. I let what she says go in one ear and out the other. I do care about her and my dad's health and safety. I care about doing what is right to make sure that my parents have the care they need and live in a clean and sanitary environment. So, I hired a housekeeping service to clean the house and then I hired a caregiver for my mother. I lied to both of my parents and told them that she was a laundress. (LOL!) At that point, mom was piling her clothes around the house and the "laundresses" job was to wash clothes and sheets and also to hang the clean clothes mom had put in piles back up. I also spent an entire day with the "laundress" cleaning out my parents closets. We got rid of old clothes and simplified things. I donated some 30+ bags of old clothes to the Goodwill. Mom was mad as hell about the housekeepers and laundress. I told mom I was her POA and that was how things were going to be from now on and I didn't care if she liked it or not. I also told her she was being an ingrate when I had set up everything so that she was being waited on hand and foot and that anyone else would be thrilled to have this help. I put my foot down and ignored all her protestations. She would call me on the phone and tell me off and all I would say is "Ok." Of course, the thing was, the housekeepers and caregiver worked for me, not her, so mom couldn't fire any of them and I told them this in front of mom. So mom would call me and try to get me to fire them and I'd listen to what she said and say "OK." but, of course, I wasn't about to fire anyone. Really, I found it amusing at times and annoying at other times, but recognizing that mom has dementia, I would talk to her like I was listening to her concerns and of course, just continue on with things setup the way I wanted them. By the next day mom would have forgotten about talking to me about firing everyone.

As it turned out, my decision to step in and take control was timely because a two weeks later, we learned my father had cancer and needed surgery. At that point I explained to my dad who the "laundress" really was and we started having in daily caregivers 5 days a week. In a month, when dad went into the hospital I increased the schedule to 24x7. In my mother's case, the dementia has progressed fairly rapidly. Just a year ago she was early stage 6, now she seems to be in early stage 7.

Anyway, my point in all of this is that your BF seems to be stuck, where he has not made the transition to take control of and manage or parent his father. Your BF really needs to make this transition because, in an extreme case, if his father managed to hurt himself and wound up in the hospital ER and the doctors found out he had been diagnosed with dementia and your BF had left him home alone, then as mandatory reporters, the doctors would be forced to call in Adult Protective Services and your BF could go to jail for elder abuse and/or neglect and his father could be taken away from him and your BF would have no say as to his father's care. The court would appoint a guardian and that person would be the father's medical and financial POA and your husband would be shut out. In addition, because the time when 24x7 care will be needed is rapidly approaching because dementia/Alzheimers is a progressive fatal illness with no effective treatment or cure, your BF needs to get his father used to having caregivers around because either there will have to be caregivers or his father will have to go into a memory care facility. Those are the ONLY two realistic options. My recommendation is that your BF start with one or two days per week right now and use an excuse such as the caregiver is a "laundress" just like I did. Of course, the laundress will not only do laundry and make beds, she will prepare breakfast and lunch for dad, keep him company and make sure he is safe. Hire a caregiver from a company that specializes in caregivers for people with dementia. Your BF can meet her BEFORE she meets his dad and clue her in on the ruse he is using to explain why she is at the house. Caregivers who are experienced with caring for dementia patients understand how things are and will go along with this. I think that your BF will find that at first dad will be irate and complain and try to fire the caregiver, but after a few weeks, he will become attached to the caregiver and will even be upset if the caregiver is changed out.

Your BF needs to learn how to "talk dementia" and that means, not to take the insults and verbal attacks personally. He needs to learn to keep his voice low and speak slowly so as not to add to his fathers agitation, to not move around a lot or be dramatic around his father as these can escalate agitation and your BF also needs to have a safety plan because his father may try to hit him or a caregiver. The usual safety plan is to have a cellphone on him at all times and if his dad becomes violent, lock himself in the bathroom and call 911. Your BF should make sure that all weapons are removed from the house. There have been cases where dementia patients had hallucinations and got ahold of weapons and attempted to kill (and in some cases actually killed) their own family members. In addition, your BF needs to take his dad to the doctor and ask for medication for agitation for his dad.

I believe that if you can help your BF to make this necessary transition, then he will, have more free time. I don't know if it will change your relationship or not, but I do know that your BF clearly needs some guidance as to how to be a better caregiver to a dementia patient. You cannot, as a caregiver of a dementia patient, allow the inmate to run the asylum...which is what your BF is currently doing. All too soon, your BF's father will progress in his dementia and things will get far worse than they are now. Changes can happen as fast as overnight. This is why it is so imperative that your BF make this transition now. I wish him the best in this painful and difficult journey. There is another message board for Alzheimer's patient's family on the internet that would be of help to him, so I hope he googles Alzheimer's Association and goes to the message board for caregivers.

I also want to give you a couple of links that may be of assistance to you both in understanding exactly what your BF is up against. One link is to the document called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller:

smashwords/books/view/210580

This link explains the stages of Alzheimers/dementia:
http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_stages_of_alzheimers.asp

Oh man, Moxie, you really have a great plan here, for us all. Thank you!

ba8alou, Thank you! Dad thought mom would NEVER accept caregivers, but it turned out all of his fears were flat out wrong! I used a method called "benign dominance" which means you impose your will on someone else without them realizing what you are doing - at least at first. For dad, having a laundress was a necessity because he needed clean clothes, has never done laundry in his life/doesn't know how and mom no longer had any idea as to how to do laundry. I live an hour and a half away, so there was no way I could do my parents laundry all the time. I knew that caregivers do laundry for those they are caring for. It was the perfect excuse to do what needed to be done. Three weeks into having caregivers, all objections had ceased. Dad told me he could now see that in order for them to continue to live at home, they had to have caregivers. Once in a while I would get a complaint from mom because the company would send a new caregiver and mom would be disappointed the "friend" she was expecting didn't come. But new caregivers soon become "old friends."

He can hire a caregiver and get a backbone with his Dad. I think this is a really big red flag. I have caregivers for my Mom & she always says "I'm not going to talk to her." I tell her fine and leave.

Waiting4alife, I am against an independent woman cohabitating with a future husband (even with an engagement ring).

Engagement rings (diamond 1/4 to 1/3 carat solitaire decent E or F clarity) in a solid 14K gold ring setting can be bought new or gently used (estate) on EBay for $200 to $500 depending the gold content. The "engagement" is a time of planning.

Why can't you both get engaged? The Heck with the prospective Father in Law! Do the "old fashioned" thing: get engaged!!!!!!! Plan for a happy marriage together!

A "forgetful" prospective father in law cannot change his will (and if he did, it could successfuly be challenged in probate court). A legitimate probate attorney would warn your prospective father in law against changing beneficiary (if prospective father in law is medically Dx with dementia, probate court would consider his actions questionable).

Get courage in your heart. Plan for a solid, happy future with your fiance. Get engaged. Women can propose in 2014.