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Vent away, Waiting! We get it, and you'll have plenty of reason. We just wanted you to know what was up and to make sure you were in this with your eyes wide open. You get it now. So b**** away. We don't blame you!

And GrowingTree, you think like I do about it. There's no way I would have dragged someone into my mess of a life when I was caring for my mom. Who had the time anyway? All I wanted to do when I did, on the rare occasion, have time to myself, was SLEEP. At the time, even considering a relationship because I might have been lonely, felt like the most selfish thing I could do to someone else and I wasn't willing to go there.
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Well, I've always known that I look deeper into people than most, and don't judge by what I see on the surface or by first encounters. If I judged people by first encounters I would not have a lot of the friends I have today. First encounters are awkward. And I am a lot more patient than most people. I feel I am more understanding because of what I have gone through in my life. I'm sensitive to people who have been hurt a lot in their lives. I don't think I'm normal. I think I'm more caring than the average person. I'm more compassionate. More sympathetic.....to a fault, actually. Anyone else would have left my BF after only a few dates. But I knew he acted the way he did out of nervousness. Once he felt comfortable around me, he was fine and fun to be around. I believe in 2nd and 3rd chances. I don't give up easily. I know a caregivers job is lonely and hard.That's exactly why I am not going to abandon him. He needs me more than ever, now.
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Waiting it sounds like you've made your choice. If neither you nor he wish to have a life to enjoy that's your choice. Good luck.
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I just don't get it why everybody thinks it's such a bad thing to stand by your man. I don't need constant entertainment or lavish vacations or whatever it is that everyone thinks I'm going to be missing by continuing this relationship. I need him as badly as he needs me! But everyone has their own opinion, and just because it isn't your cup of tea doesn't mean everybody should dislike it. My life has never been what I would call eventful. I don't go out and party every weekend. Most of my free time is spent working on my house/property. What I consider a life and what everybody else considers a life are different. Bottom line: HE MAKES ME HAPPY even though I wish we had more time together, I'm happy to get the time that we do have. If I have to wait, I have to wait. The time will pass regardless, so I may as well enjoy some time with him. Like I said, if we don't make it, I will not look for anyone else. But, I know he wants to marry me.
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Waiting no-one is putting you down for your choice. We all are free to live our lives as we choose but read your own question. Does it not say that you are unhappy with the situation? If you were happy with the way things are you wouldn't have asked the question.

I too live simply and spend a lot of time renovating my house and working my land, though I have outside interests as well. Some of my friends think my lifestyle is "quaint", others I'm sure think I'm crazy lol but whatever makes anyone happy.
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"I just don't get it why everybody thinks it's such a bad thing to stand by your man."

Probably for the same reason it's not a good idea to stay on a sinking ship after a certain point.
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I think it's a very good thing to stand by your man. What I have observed to be less successful as a strategy, though, is relying on one who isn't up to being relied on. Which you're not doing, Waiting, I don't mean you. Just continue to stand on your own two feet and you'll be fine - so long as you don't need more from him than he can give.
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CM, yes. That. lol
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Waiting4alife, believe me, I can totally relate to the frustration and your feelings. This disease makes monsters out of people, and the worst part is that it takes so long for them to die. Really, if they went faster, it would be a blessing on the patients as well as the caregivers because this disease kills everyone involved.

Selfish? Well then I am too because I wonder when in the world I am ever going to have my own life back or even if I'll be too old to enjoy it. I'd love to be free to do whatever I want and I also want my loved one to be free because she's certainly not living anymore, just breathing and existing.

If this was my dog I would put it down.
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Exactly! It s MY choice! I totally uderstand that most of you would run like he**. That's fine! That's great! That would be your choice. My choice is to stay, knowing that things may not turn out as I expect or hope. If I can give him some happness in his world of gloom, I'm happy to do it because he makes me happy, too! Yes, what some of you are saying may be true, but so what? Que' serra, serra! Whatever will be, will be!
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Waiting. Its very apparent that you are a very dedicated caring girlfriend. It's also apparent that you may not of heard the saying "if you don't wanna know the answer don't ask the question". I don't mean that in a mean way towards you but maybe some helpful advice while here on this site :).
I wish you enough...
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I'm not expecting miracles. I'm not unaware. I know it's a long road and it ain't gonna be easy. But I refuse to abandon someone I love. Seems like some of you fail to know what real love is.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13.

And he did not set out to hurt me like some are implying. His dad was fine when we first started seeing each other. He is a sincere, loving person who truly is looking for a forever partner in his life.
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I do think I smell some jealousy on the forum. Maybe some of these people wish they had someone special in their life. I also taste bitterness. Maybe some are bitter because they were hurt in a relationship like this and dislike the fact that I am continuing to be in this relationship because theirs didn't work out.
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Do we have to resort to name calling? Tsk, tsk.

I think that you asked a question, during a time of serious frustration, and the majority of answers given supported you ... leaving. That put your back up, in defense, because you LOVE THE GUY .. and being challenged just reinforced what you already knew. You're gonna stay the course and work it out. Yay for you (I say that in all seriousness)!!

What I think YOU fail to understand is that the majority of the folks who've responded are either in your boyfriend's position of caring for an elder, or recently gone through a long stint of it. It *should* be pointing out to you just how your boyfriend's mind might be operating (whether he says it aloud or not). I don't think a one of your responders are the least bit jealous. Quite the contrary. I bet they can't even conceive of being in a position to be the kind of giving person it takes to being in a full time, long term relationship. To be in a fully loving relationship takes equality and fairness. One-sided relationships rarely last long enough to talk about, let alone last long enough to remember.

I get that you're feeling blasted by some of the answers. Meh .. ::chuckles:: .. welcome to AgingCare where people are tired, frustrated and .. tired.
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Oh, I know that, LadeeC, lol! Just seeing if I can ruffle some feathers, here. I have a bad habit of trying to push peoples' buttons to see how far I can push them. Things have gotten too serious. Need a laugh now and then. "Meh" is right. Some of these ppl are really stressed and I feel for them. Can't take things on here too seriously. People are tightly wound. Understandable.

And I have been educated from this forum. Got some ideas, like you said, how my BF's mind may (or may not) be operating. Got some ideas on what I may expect to happen in the future.

But what most people don't understand is that my BF is very senstive. He's also very genuine. He's not a game-player. He's serious about our relationship but he is his dad's caregiver. He definitely does not want to lose me. He wants to get married but his hands are tied for the moment.
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Waiting, does bf have an understanding of dementia? Like that you don't reason with people with dementia? It's not good for your future fil to be so isolated; he would be healthier in all ways if he was in adult care even part time. Can bf have a conversation that goes something like Dad, you need to do this because the doctor says so. I've taken good care of you but you need to get more help now than I can give you on my own. We need for you to try this and see how it works. Many of us here have elders who went to adc or al kicking and screaming and they ended up loving it. In our case, it doesn't end the caregiving, it just means that you have a more balanced relationship with your elder. In my case mom's endless "emergencies" were going to kill my brother and me with stress, speeding over icy roads to get to her because she was anxious about something. We presented a united front (I understand he's an only child) but I truly believe that we would have had the resolve to tell her that we would walk away if she didn't do what we knew was best for her. Don't know if this helps. We're not here to tell you how to live your life.
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Waiting, if you read your original post, I'd say you were a tad bit 'tightly wound' yourself. lol

And if we're 'too serious' Waiting, it's because we've had to look some harsh, ugly reality in the face for a long, long time. You don't come out of the trenches feeling frivolous and perky. Your bf won't either, especially as his dad continues to get worse and gets harder to look after and the reality gets uglier, and much sadder. This role will change people for life. I'll never be the same person again after 10+ years of caring for my mom. It's been 2 1/2 months since she died and I'm just now experiencing all of the suppressed emotions I felt for all those years. People in this role must suppress lots of intense, heavy emotions and pain and they must do it to get through the day, every single day. Your man is going to come out of this exhausted and it's going to affect him for awhile. Maybe not to the good either.

The last few days I've simply wanted to be alone and to be left alone. I crave and need solitude. Why? Because so many demands were placed upon me for so many years. Taking care of an alz patient IS a 24/7 job and it's even harder if you're going at it alone. For endless years I could NEVER relax. Why? Because I knew in the back of my mind that even when I was asleep, I had to be alert on some level in case my mom tried to get up, or needed something. And it was always something, around the clock, especially in the last 2-3 years when the alz got really bad. As a result of that, for me personally, I can't even begin to imagine anyone wanting or needing too much out of me right now because frankly, I don't have it to give. I have nothing to give. I don't want to make efforts for anyone, not for a long, long time. Why? Because my mom already got all my effort and it drained me to a husk. Someone else in my life, wanting something, needing something, requiring something? No. Please no. Hell no. I just can't even begin to imagine a relationship right now. To me, it feels like one more chore, one more thing I'd have to DO for SOMEBODY ELSE and I don't want to do squat for anyone else. I don't want someone needing me to do this or do that, or be here at this time, or be there at that time. I don't want to know a damn thing about someone else's unhappiness, or know they're sulking or upset or pissy, if I fail to....do whatever the hell I'm supposed to do for them and didn't because I didn't freaking feel like it.... God no. I can't handle anyone's wants and needs right now. I plan to be selfish for awile. I plan to do nothing but think of myself...for a change...and do for myself...for a change. I'm the most selfish bitch on the planet right now. I couldn't give a tinker's damn about anyone else's wants and needs right now and if they looked to me for satisfaction, I'd feel nothing but resentment.

I know I'm looking at relationships from a skewed vantage point. But that's the point. Care givers leave a little of their sanity behind when their role as care givers is over. I know on some level what good relationships are supposed to be, but personally, I don't have it in me right now to care much about someone else. I need to care about ME for a while, without anyone else in the mix.

You can't even begin to imagine the crazy fun house that a care givers mind becomes, and you damn sure can't imagine what darkness actually lurks in people that have grown up with and lived with a narcissist...especially the ones like your man that never escaped them.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I guess knowing first hand what a number dealing with a controlling, narcissistic type can do to someone. And most male serial killers have controlling, narcissistic mothers. No, I'm not saying your man is destined to start going on killing sprees. lol Most of us retain the vast majority of our sanity. But even so, take on someone like your man, with his background and the mental confusion and anxiety this guy must feel at never having left the nest at what, 50-something? Oh God, never. Not even if he was the nicest guy on the planet. Envy you, Waiting? No. I thank God I'm not you. But don't sweat it. As long as you don't have too many wants, needs or expectations, or are willing to swallow them on a daily basis, you should be happy in this relationship. Yes, standing by your man is such a noble concept...
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Two things...first of all, your screen name on this forum says a LOT about you. So you're waiting4alife huh? Yeah, that sounds like someone who's happy. Secondly, if your boyfriend wants to marry you (which you've stated repeatedly), what's stopping him? Get your blood tests, go down to the county courthouse and make it official. Why not? You've already been married, so a second wedding doesn't have to be a big deal. You're clearly into the idea. If not marriage, why not engagement? Push him a little in that direction and see what kind of reaction you get. If you're both so committed to each other, then take it to the next level. Daddy doesn't even have to know. It can be a secret between you two. Get his strong commitment to you on paper. Then you'll have some legal rights that you don't have now. That's in your (and your daughter's) self interest.
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Blannie...yeah...all of that... I was thinking the same thing.
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Wanted to ruffle some feathers, huh? Ok. Good to know.
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I have a life. I'm waiting 4 a different life. I'm not puuting my own life on hold for it, though. I'm still living. Enjoying spending time with my daugter,etc. i'm just enjoying this life until it's time to enjoy my life with my BF.
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"I have a bad habit of trying to push peoples' buttons to see how far I can push them."

Why would you want to do that? Are you kidding? That kind of behavior can be hazardous to your heath. I wouldn't advise it.
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"Just seeing if I can ruffle some feathers, here. I have a bad habit of trying to push peoples' buttons to see how far I can push them". Unbelievable! I will no longer follow this as you're just playing some sort of sick game.
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Yup, I was tightly wound, that day. Doesn't everybody have days where nothing is going right and things that don't normally bother you really bother you? As I've said b4, that was the kind of day I was having. Plus, I had PMS! That was mostly my hormones talking.

Well, I talked to some of his family members and they say his parents were not controlling and were not trying to make him stay. He was free to go whenever he wanted. He decided to stay because his mother had cancer and he wanted to take care of her.. Apparently, his dad has just recently, within the last 3 or 4 years, gotten like that.

BF had been seeing a lady for 2 years b4 his mom died (how is it that he can have a relationship while caring for his mom and working his full-time engineering job?) and continued to see her for a year afterward. But she was a religious freak and, to put it in his words--if the church's doors were open she was there. He went to church with her on Sundays, but she wanted him to go 2 or 3 times during the week, too. He didn't want to, but she kept pushing and pushing and wouldn't leave it alone. As the relationship continued she got more and more demanding of him. He was going to marry her, but he broke it off. Now, I know I've been pretty demanding of him, at times, and he hasn't protested, so she must have been extremely demanding for him to break it off with her. He's a pretty tolerant guy.

Now, he is caring for his dad and once again in a relationship for almost 3 years..Must be a pretty good guy to be able to do that. A keeper, in my book.

Oh, and he is not commited to taking care of his dad once he needs 24-hour care. When that happens, he is going to a 24-hour care facility. He says he's not into bathing him and changing his diapers. He says he can't do it. It would be too hard, emotionally, for him. And I think it would leave his dad with some dignity to have someone other than his son doing that for him.
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Just trying to lighten things up. It's so gloomy in here....
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You guys take things so seriously. I wasn't trying to offend anyone. You need to let things roll off you instead of making you angry. I apologize to anyone who was offended. I use humor to combat stress, but I've encountered people who don't understand me and my family's type of humor, before. So, I'll can it.
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Nice try but if, as you say, daddy doesn't need care 24/7, why can't BF spend more time with you? Your last 3 posts are just an effort to keep us decent caring people sucked into your little game. Please know, that we have been or are caregivers and we're too savvy to play your games. Once this thread hits my email it's gone. Did you know your IP address can be easily traced right down to who you are and where you live? That technology has been available to those who know how for more than ten years.
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In real life, when you have made a wrong impression with people, that wrong impression remains permanently. It's like the boy who cried wolf. One day, when you need serious advice, no one will seriously comment. You reap what you sow. If you wanted to bring levity into this site, you're doing it the wrong way. MOST of our caregiving is not that humorous when it comes to caregiving. If you want levity, search for other topics/discussions on this site where everyone knows is for fun and fooling around. You truly don't want to "cry wolf" because one day when you need advice, no one will stick their neck out to answer. I wish you well with your relationship with bf and his father.
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Waiting, wish you well. You asked for advice. We gave you our best. Take it or not. Don't try to justify. Find yourself a therspist or counselor to talk this out with.
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No, my last 3 posts are simply explaining what I recently discovered.
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