Is there really a loving relationship when someone demands 24/7 care?

Follow
Share

This is a situation that has worried me about my mom. My grandmother always tells my mom she doesn't want to go into a nursing home. She won't even consider the option of my mom's brother and his wife taking her (his older kids have indicated it is depressing) and I think she feels her DIL won't be too welcoming and I feel she stays with my mom when honestly she could go back home to her husband (has arthritis but could help) and give mom a break.
My mom lets her play with her emotions and has problems with anemia and is severally visually impaired and has some back and renal problems. When mom started helping my grandmother, she was not this sick but she is getting older and this has been going on off and on for years. My grandmother does have signficant health problems and has to recover after sugeries but I feel she should also see the shape my mom is in.
My mom was a stay at home mom and dad works, so she doesn't have a job to worry about (outside the home -- to be honest, she would probably work less if she had a job). I just feel she is emotionally, physically and mentally drained and I don't think anyone else in the family really gives a da&*.
I feel that my grandparents are shelfish and as long as their needs are met, then so be it.
I just cannot see how any parent who claims to have an ounce of love for a child can demand they never be put in a nursing home and insist on 24/7 care from ANY child, no longer one that is not in good health. It is NOT like taking care of a baby (yes, I have had said to me that she changed my mom's diapers when mom was 2 and fed her so mom OWES her). There is a huge difference in caregiving for an elderly person than a baby.
My mom needs to keep a happy face because if she is not chipper, grandmother gets ticked feeling she is being treated "injustly."
I have voiced my concern/opinion and needless to say I get nowhere or my mom gets defensive and mad at me saying, "I won't change a thing."
I just don't see how this is love. I hope to heavens, I never "love" my child this way.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
31

Answers

Show:
All I can say is learn from this experience and I know you are. Nothing will change as long as your Mom continues to tolerate the situation. I don't think we, the children of this aging population, that medical advancements allow them and us to live so long, owe anyone just because they took care of us as children. I've read this many times before on this site and it's just a big guilt trip they throw on us. I know I will NEVER do my children what my parents have done to me in terms of being responsible for them 24/7.It's constant and exhausting. My Dad is now in a nursing home because he fell so many times. I refused to let him go back and live with my Mom who at the time had just had hip surgery. He needed 24 hour care and an 85 year old wife wasn't going to be able to help him. He would have pulled her down too, the next time he fell. I didn't fall for the guilt trip. And I won't when it's her turn to need more help. Sorry, I've given so much at this point, I can do no more. I wanted my life back, and slowly it's coming around. My Mom understands the situation. I wish your Mom could be strong.

Maybe you could start to do the homework for her and go visit some nursing homes in the area and leave the brochures on the kitchen table or counter. Just an idea honey. Stay strong!
xo

-SS
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Tit for Tat, Kathy1. My kids see everything I am doing for my parents. I'll definitely will reap what I sow.They are learning more than they know. But I would never have them do for me the way my parents have dumped everything on me. Never.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I went back and re-read the original post because after reading Kathy11's post, I was certain that I must have missed something since she suggested Bumblebee take over all caregiving, housekeeping, etc. to give her mom a break. Wow. Just wow. She is living in this mess 24/7 too and never indicated in her post that she wasn't already helping out.
Okay, after reading the original post again here is my suggestion: you indicated your grandmother has other family (you mentioned an uncle, his wife, older cousins). You also mentioned "grandparents" so I am assuming your grandfather is still alive. I'm going to be the first poster to go out on a limb here and suggest these other family members get off their butt and give your mom AND you both a break. It is not just your grandparents who are shelfish but your entire dang extended family!
So before you end up caregiving for two people (your grandmother and your mom when she collapses under the stress), start playing hardball with these "family" members. Consider what your health is going to be like if this continues. Will it make people upset and mad? You bet. Will you be any worse off than you are now? Probably not. Also, if grandmother sees that one child is willing to take her in and the other one is not - that may open her eyes to an entirely new world she has evidently chosen to ignore. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Sweetheart, you tell of all the pressures on your Mom, but not how you are helping her. Your Mom isn't going to change, nor is your Grandmother. You need to take care of the caregiver. I am talking solid time off, you take care of grandmom. You do the laundry. You clean the house. You will be amazed at how relief from the 24/7 grind will allow your Mom to step back and evaluate her situation. Now that is love.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

ooohhh...sorry, Kathy1, I disagree with that advise. While sounds good in theory, giving the Mom a break, Bumblebee might end up sucked up into this cycle of caregiving and it perpetuates into another generation. Think about that one.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

"oohh Selfish sibling, Is life only about you and your needs? The cycle of caregiving is an expression of one's deepest love. It is giving of oneself to help another. To set boundaries is the hard part. Remember you reap what you sow''

Kathy11, I wonder if you have any experience with the road that SelfishS is traveling right now? Yes, you do reap what you sow, and she will reap much credit for what she is doing. That was a pretty harsh comment you made. You have to be in her shoes to know what it's like. Mine is easy compared to hers.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

I am currently working on getting mom in a nursing home. She wouldn't be so hard to take care of but for her whacked up personality quirks. I might have 20 to 30 years left of my life . I need to improve my health and state of mind so that I will be healthy when I hit my 70s and 80s. I wouldn't mind my daughter taking care of me short term say after I had an illness and would recover but I don't want to suck the life out of her by using her up 24/7 . She deserves to have a life of her own.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

ooohh Selfish sibling, Is life only about you and your needs? The cycle of caregiving is an expression of one's deepest love. It is giving of oneself to help another. To set boundaries is the hard part. Remember you reap what you sow.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I have taken care of all of my parents needs for the last three years. I cleaned out a home that had 55 years of junk in every corner. Got the house sold, moved them into my home and take care of everything for them. It appears that my parents feel at this age, that their needs and heath issues come before any other concerns. I have read a lot on this site the last three years and I know this, I will never ask my son and daughter-in-law to take total responsibility for me. My parents are demanding and demeaning - I hate that the relationship that we have is now one of resentment and anger. I certainly wanted the last years we had together to be filled with love and joy. The memories that their grandson, great grand children and I will have of their last years won't be pleasant ones
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Sylvia - you vent away! I hope you feel better.I have one of those brothers too!!! My brother hadn't been here for 2.5 years, shows up, and my mother is all over him, saying how tired he must be from traveling (like he flew the plane or something), and how hard he works! (I think I just puked a little....), telling me I should be nice to him! Give me a break! They are the guest when they come, and we are the slaves.

And as for Kathy1 and her righteous comments, not someone we even need to acknowledge here. Not worth the keystrokes.

Have a good day, everyone! Bumblebee, how r u doing???

xo
-SS
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.