Is there really a loving relationship when someone demands 24/7 care?
This is a situation that has worried me about my mom. My grandmother always tells my mom she doesn't want to go into a nursing home. She won't even consider the option of my mom's brother and his wife taking her (his older kids have indicated it is depressing) and I think she feels her DIL won't be too welcoming and I feel she stays with my mom when honestly she could go back home to her husband (has arthritis but could help) and give mom a break.
My mom lets her play with her emotions and has problems with anemia and is severally visually impaired and has some back and renal problems. When mom started helping my grandmother, she was not this sick but she is getting older and this has been going on off and on for years. My grandmother does have signficant health problems and has to recover after sugeries but I feel she should also see the shape my mom is in.
My mom was a stay at home mom and dad works, so she doesn't have a job to worry about (outside the home -- to be honest, she would probably work less if she had a job). I just feel she is emotionally, physically and mentally drained and I don't think anyone else in the family really gives a da&*.
I feel that my grandparents are shelfish and as long as their needs are met, then so be it.
I just cannot see how any parent who claims to have an ounce of love for a child can demand they never be put in a nursing home and insist on 24/7 care from ANY child, no longer one that is not in good health. It is NOT like taking care of a baby (yes, I have had said to me that she changed my mom's diapers when mom was 2 and fed her so mom OWES her). There is a huge difference in caregiving for an elderly person than a baby.
My mom needs to keep a happy face because if she is not chipper, grandmother gets ticked feeling she is being treated "injustly."
I have voiced my concern/opinion and needless to say I get nowhere or my mom gets defensive and mad at me saying, "I won't change a thing."
I just don't see how this is love. I hope to heavens, I never "love" my child this way.
Maybe you could start to do the homework for her and go visit some nursing homes in the area and leave the brochures on the kitchen table or counter. Just an idea honey. Stay strong!
xo
-SS
Okay, after reading the original post again here is my suggestion: you indicated your grandmother has other family (you mentioned an uncle, his wife, older cousins). You also mentioned "grandparents" so I am assuming your grandfather is still alive. I'm going to be the first poster to go out on a limb here and suggest these other family members get off their butt and give your mom AND you both a break. It is not just your grandparents who are shelfish but your entire dang extended family!
So before you end up caregiving for two people (your grandmother and your mom when she collapses under the stress), start playing hardball with these "family" members. Consider what your health is going to be like if this continues. Will it make people upset and mad? You bet. Will you be any worse off than you are now? Probably not. Also, if grandmother sees that one child is willing to take her in and the other one is not - that may open her eyes to an entirely new world she has evidently chosen to ignore. Good luck.
Kathy11, I wonder if you have any experience with the road that SelfishS is traveling right now? Yes, you do reap what you sow, and she will reap much credit for what she is doing. That was a pretty harsh comment you made. You have to be in her shoes to know what it's like. Mine is easy compared to hers.
And as for Kathy1 and her righteous comments, not someone we even need to acknowledge here. Not worth the keystrokes.
Have a good day, everyone! Bumblebee, how r u doing???
xo
-SS
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