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There could be many reasons for this as others have stated. Just tell daughter how you feel and leave it at that. Try not to judge her because we never know what the other person is going through.
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Reply to MammaDrama
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Garlic, do you remember that we have recently had a thread from a carer who was upset that her sister came unannounced? Sister insisted that she had the right to visit mother whenever she felt like it. People have different ideas about what’s right and proper. Some have an internal clock that says ‘time’s up for x’, some don’t. (And some have different clocks, like my DH and me for quite a list of things, from washing up to time in bed.) You might feel a lot happier if you tell yourself that your wife’s daughter knows and trusts that you are caring for mother, and relies on you to say ‘time’s up’. If she comes when you ask, there is no need to feel hurt. Just organise things the way that works for both of you.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Do you know why she isn’t visiting? She may have a good reason. You could ask her. But if she doesn’t want to discuss it I would let it go.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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If daughter is choosing not to be present, I don't know that you can change her heart. I've seen a LOT of physically absent loved ones: The I-don't-have-time crowd and the I-don't-have-gas-money-to-get-there crowd (next thing you know they're on a cruise, drink in hand, and putting it all on Facebook!). Try not saying anything for a while and see if daughter asks for an update? She just might do so. As others have said, I agree it's quite possible daughter has a deeply personal reason why she's not visiting and that's not really ours to question. Could be a dysfunctional parent/child relationship - even if it never openly looked that way.
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Reply to Mysteryshopper
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THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR INPUT...I GOT SO MANY GOOD IDEAS ..I PARTICULARLY THOUGHT .."ANYONOMOUS' WAS ON THE MARK.. DEFINITLY
WILL TRY IT
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Reply to garlic123
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Anyonymous1 Feb 16, 2020
Its possibly because I am that daughter. But from a physically and psychologically abusive and estranged family background. I don't know whether that matches your circumstances or not however. But in my case expectations were set rather than any polite or considerate cry for help. So I have turned my back on them.
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What has the relationship between the two of them been like? If it has been a lifelong bad one, the daughter is not likely to suddenly (after many years of little to no contact) then decide to start visiting frequently when dementia is in full swing.
Some of this I think can be down to how parents and step parents have treated their children. You do have to wonder why the children don't want to visit their parents and it begs questions as to how they were raised. Is the daughter being inherently selfish for no reason or has she been mistreated in the past? I suspect the latter to be honest and it might be a case of bruised and broken family bonds caused by the parents and a case of what goes around comes around.

But if the relationship has been a good one and the daughter has not been mistreated, maybe approach her for a nice sit down conversation and talk about your worries of the situation. Don't judge or put any pressure on or imply you expect her to attend as that will make her run a mile. Rather express your worries and desires for help and how you are needing her help. It is likely she will be more sympathetic if it is a cry for help than an insistence of expectation of her to be there more often.
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Reply to Anyonymous1
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Can you work out a schedule that would work for everyone?
Often as caregivers we have a lot going on and we keep a schedule.
If there is a particular day and time that is best for you can you ask if she will come on that day and time for a visit. Continuity is good as far as a schedule goes and if you can always count on her to visit on Wednesday at 3:30 for 2 hours maybe you can run out and get a few things done while she is there. And even better if you know she will be there on Wednesday maybe ask if she can pick up a few things at the store before she comes. A gallon of milk, a dozen eggs nothing like a huge shopping list but a few essentials. Or splurge and ask her to stop at the coffee shop and pick up a few cups of coffee, make a banana bread that morning and just sit and have a nice visit.
I think people may be "afraid" to visit or just drop by because they may catch you at a time when you are changing your loved one, or getting them in a shower or bath.
Also with a set schedule the person visiting can plan a time that works for them in their schedule. As non caregivers we often go about our lives and do the everyday stuff and we "forget" about calling a best friend, visiting "Aunt Sophie", or even sitting down and writing a note to a friend.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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I know how hurtful this must be for you. I’m very sorry. As others have pointed out, however, it’s not unusual. There are many different reasons for the lack of visiting and participation from our family members. Many people sincerely have a difficult time dealing with a loved one’s decline. Dementia can be especially gut wrenching. Other people are busy living their lives and aren’t very generous with their time. For others, the family dynamics play a role. I think all you can do is let her know that she is missed and loved by her mother. In situations like this, I would send a card with a handwritten note. That way she can mull it over in her own way without feeling confronted. Be prepared, though, that she may not respond and you might have to let this go. I understand that is easier said than done but you have your hands full caring for your wife already. Don’t be bothered with someone that won’t bother with you, whether they are related or not.
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Reply to anonymous1010889
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I like Willie's idea. I always was thinking about visiting Mrs. S on the street behind me. But the days went by. I am big on, I can do that tomorrow. Well, the lady passed last week. Now I feel bad. I do better having a set time and place. So, maybe that is what needs to be done.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You might try setting up a regularly scheduled day, maybe for a meal once or twice a month. Order takeout, and keep the conversation light.
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Reply to cwillie
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You could give some one-time guidance like Alva suggested, but I would not keep pursuing her over it. She's made it known where she stands and more information, education or suggestions won't matter...she's an adult. She knows. So sorry.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Sit down and speak with her. Tell her that you are uncomfortable asking her to come. Ask her if she is hesitant to come on her own for some reason; perhaps she feels she is coming at inconvenient time. Tell her how much the loved one loves seeing her, and let her know that she is welcome any time. Tell her that because you are uncomfortable and feel as though you are "at her to come over" you will not be asking her to come, but rather encouraging her to come whenever she likes, just give you a ring and a bit of notice.
I would give that a few months.
Then if she does NOT Come I would sit down with her once more and say "THAT didn't work, and your Mom is so missing you". Can we make an arrangement of some sort that you will visit once a week, twice a week, three times a week" on certain days or not.
It is a matter of being kind, and being positive, instead of blaming. Blame will make her avoid the house for certain. Sometimes, indeed there is nothing you can do about this. But this would make you know you gave it the good college try.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You will find a great many posts here from people whose family never visits.

More details would help, do you live in the same community? If not, how far apart are you?

Family dynamics are pretty entrenched by the time someone is 88 years old. I am guessing the daughter is in her 50's or 60's with a family career and life of her own. At least I fit the profile above, add in a premature grandchild and fulltime university studies and I have very little free time for myself let alone anyone else.

My former mil used to complain that no one ever visited her, yet when she was able, she never took the lead to call, or visit. She expected me to pack up 2-3 kids and travel half a day to go see her in a 2 bedroom condo with no room for kids to run around, instead of her coming to visit us, where the kids had all their toys, activities and friends. 25 years later, it would take a call before I would go visit her.

So how do you deal with her? You can choose not to call and she will not visit, or you can call and remind her that her Mum would live to see her.
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Reply to Tothill
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