I lost mom on May 30 after she had an unexpected massive heart attack on the morning of the 29th. She had been in assisted living since August of 2013.
Mom used to complain about the food and want me to bring her sweet treats instead. I did that but I always told her she needed to eat meals. I would get so angry sometimes.
She used to start calling me every evening-several times. This always upset me because she'd start as soon as she knew I was getting out of work.
I would get over to see her at least a couple of times a week but on the evening of the 28th I was supposed to have gone to see her and didn't. I had stopped to get a neighbors dogs back into their yard when I saw them running down the street. I was hot and tired and mom had called several times. When I called her we talked awhile and she said she'd see me the next day. She was so sweet. I never talked to her again. She had the heart attack the next morning.
I feel so guilty for not getting over there that night. She wanted some eye drops that she never got. I feel like I should have never gotten frustrated at her for the some of the things that I did.
I have been "I should have -ing" in my head all summer long. I wish so badly that I could tell her how much I miss her and that I am sorry for all the times I was short with her on the phone. (It wasn't ALL the time, but quite often)
I know that most of you are here because you still have people you're caring for so I hope you don't mind me asking -how do you get over this? Do I think about all of the good things I did? Mom moved across the country and lived with me since 1989. We went on vacations together and did all kinds of fun things....until she couldn't anymore. So, I know I was a good daughter but I just can't seem to forgive myself for the last year. She was unhappy at the asst. living and I know she wanted to come home, but it just wasn't safe for her to be there alone anymore while I was at work. She was always afraid if I ever left the house in the evenings too. I did my best to care for her. I did good, right?? I feel so d*mned guilty for not being there. :(