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Someone please help me. My mom has Alzheimers and my one sister cared for her for 2 years. She had a full time job and lives in an enormous house. This past October, my mom began living withbme because my sister reached the end of her rope. I was divorced in 2006 and suffered a nervous breakdown after a failed suicide attempt, where I had flattened twice enroute to the hospital. Because of this, I lost my children. In 2009, we began re-establishing a relationship through much family therapy and time together. Two years ago, I asked my mom for some money so I could move back to the town where my children lived, and she co-signed on some credit cards for me so I could purchase furniture, mattresses and bedding, etc. I rental 3 bedroom condo, where, until my mom moved in, my son and daughter enjoyed visiting. My ex was only willing to "allow" me 50/50 time if I agreed to cease his alimony payments to me...to which I refused for 2 reasons: 1. I simply Gaby afford to NOT have this money (i should mention that I pay $1000 monthly for child support that be used for luxury cars and expensive trips for himself and his new wife, etc), and 2) I simply cannot comprehend having to, essentially, PAY to see my children! THEY wanted to ne withbme....and I wanted to be with THEM.....
That is, until a few months ago. I had started working with a lawyer to go to court to have this increased time with my children approved. Then my mom moved in. She has Alzheimers....and being with her 24/7 is putting such a profound stress on me, personally AND my relationship with Caitlin (age 14) and Brendan (age10) that I find myself shaking uncontrollably 80% of the time. My depression is back....full force. There have been too many incidents to lost, but ill give a few. My mother constantly berates and yells, puts us down, yells my children to "shut the hell up, stupid!", undresses herself, throws objects at me (not the kids), wanders around all night to the point my children no longer sleep in their bedrooms....they sleep on the floor in places "nana can't find us" (ie, under the dining room table, the corner of the sunroom, etc). My mom recently screamed at my daughters friends when they were laughing in another room...and she wouldn't stop....there was just NO diffusing the situation.....
My children return to my ex's house emotionally and physically tired.....with red eyes from crying.
Because of these things (and those are just a few of many)...my ex has told me no judge would increase my time....because it is an abusive household. The thing is....it IS!!! I am so distraught over this. My children recently told me they don't want to be here anymore.
I have lost my children. I have lost my life.
There are so many other things I could mention like my mom screaming at the neighbors, starting a fire, damaging a wall, stomping around (where the neighbors called the Police).....etc. I live in a condo and my neighbors lives are suffering as well! The Condo Association has me on "a warning" to "turn these situations around".
Because my sister had my mom for 2 years, she wont even take my mom for a week so I can try to recoup. I have been told that I stole from my mom because of the credit card bills and this isbmy time to redeem myself. I used every penny to build a home for my children who now refuse to live with me.
I absolutely cannot afford a nursing home or medical help......after my disability check and alimony, I pay my rent and utilities and have approximately $200 leftover for monthly expenditures. Thank god for food stamps, which I receive. My sister has power of attorney over my mom and provides me with $100 per month for her care....but when something like a fire happens, and I have to replace a wall, I'm at a deficit.
Honestly....I don't care about anything other than the fact that I've lost my kids and I won't live without them again.
Somebody.....please help me.

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Your first responsibility is to your children and yourself. Mother needs to be removed for the safety and sanity of your family and for her own safety and well being. However, harsh you feel some of the responses are they are the truth and until you can face the truth nothing will ever change. Your children deserve much more than this and hopefully their Father will see to their safety, until your Mother is removed from their life.

You can call your sister and tell her it is time for other arrangements immediately or the next time Mother explodes call 911 and have her removed to a hospital sitting. When it is time to be released if your sister is not around, please advise the social worker that you are unable to care for your Mother at home and they will make whatever arrangements necessary. Most hospitals do not allow patients of this nature to be released before the social worker determines the home sitting they are returning to.

There should be no guilt involved you have done all you can. It is now time to get control of your life and provide the safe, caring environment you and your children deserve. God bless and best wishes to all of you!
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You can get your kids back by getting yourself out of that toxic environment and getting therapy. You have not completely overcome your past mental health issues. Your kids do not deserve to be in that type of environment. It is the responsibility of a parent to ensure their children are emotional and physically safe. You cannot provide that being with your mother. You have a long road ahead of you and I wish you luck.
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ilveuman, I'm glad you can vent here. It sure sounds like you have a lot to vent about!

What resources does your mother have besides the house? Are you and your daughter living in her house?
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Your sister only gives you a $100 a month for your mom? My mom can eat that and more in a week. Let alone all the (free from me and my kid care) laundry etc, etc, You need to take your mother to your sister's house. And get your ownself back together, so you can be with your kids. I am seeing this point where I am at now. I am not going to allow my daughter who is very near and dear to her, turn her nuts also. People on the outside don't get it understand it.
A family of six siblings I am the last one, and yes so on the verge. She will probably kill me with the stress of it, before she dies. And will be clueless. What what did I do? I hibernate downstairs to avoid her real nice no windows per say, my kid keeps a wind machine going 24/7 so she isn't hearing her. My kid has to be at bus stop by 6:15 am for school I get up at 5:00 am but mother has no problem waking us up all nite, I am to the point sign her house over, let Medicaid have her house, She was a big stress in my marriage breakup anyway. She's at the point says hateful stuff all the time does nothing but complain so much so NO one else wants to be around her. So I am now to the point Love you MOm but actually the mom I know is no longer here. I seriously doubt if I choose that to go ahead and turn her over She would even know. She calls an ambulance every chance she can get. I hear from day sitter, what should I do? I tell her let her go, I'll pick her up on my way home from work. We have now figured it out., I can have a "relative" friend call and say they are the Dr's office or hosp or ambulance , and tell her the same thing we were told by her real DR's etc. I don't know, I just think I have been doing this so long it has sucked my happy go lucky perosona, on top of my DH having his surgery and becoming Full time disabled, and check this he filed the divorce, WOW, Ok
It is what it is. Thanks for letting me vent Hugs to all
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Sounds like you had major problems before your Mom moved in. Regardless you need to get Mom to a place that she is safe and your kids are safe. If you don't do something you will most likely be asked to move and where will you be then? Right back at the beginning....You need to care for you first...
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Hello to everyone.....I am grateful to anyone taking the time to offer words of support and comfort. I have not read any posts for 2 days....and won't until Sunday. Long story. I will be able to provide more input and words of thanks then....
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Greenday I hope we have been helpful-kept posting it helps just to vent at times-and I hope you know that we all care about you.
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It is definitely time to put your mother in a home. She is not her self and probably won't remember. If your sister has POA drive your mom to her house since she won't help Guilt sucks doesn't do anything productive and eats up the person it affects and seems everyone else is having a Merry old day.. Don't give up your kids Sadly your mom has lived most of her life, You need to live yours with your kids. Im going through the same she's just not at the point at your mom Make sure you explain to your kids it's a disease and not there grandma, me and husband now separated, I seriously doubt my mother would have left her husband for me. God bless take care
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Greenday, so sorry your are having such a difficult time. You really need to have your sister see about a NH. I saw an attorney yesterday to talk about spending down the little bit of money my mother has. My mom is in a rehab hospital but I can't bring her home the care is just too much. Your care is too much for you ; I totally know how depressing and discouraging your situation is. Please take all the advise you have received here as it is great. The rehab my mom is it will help me if and when I have to file for medicaid. Until then it is private pay for us. Very expensive but I have no choice. Please help yourself. Call the Alzheimer's association they may be able to give you some help . You are are in our prayers.
Carol
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Hi Greenday,
Having read your story and the suggestions that have been given, as a pastor as well as a hospital chaplain in a large inner city hospital since 1976 until my recent retirement, I have had some experience with your situation. I have some possible suggestions for you.
First, Your priorities are you and the kids. You have come to the point that you have given all the love and help you can to Mom. We are now at a crossroads where some concrete safe decisions need to be undertaken now. These need to be done not just for your mom, but for you and the kids and restore as much normalcy to the family.
I would suggest that you contact an elder lawyer and your local and state dept. of social services for help. They have a tremendous number of resources to make availble to you and your mom. Her/Your Dr. may be of assistance. Dumping her in a ED Room or on your sister's doorstep are not solutions. They will, backfire and you will be in worst shape than before. You have certainly shown your love and dedication to your mom and want the best for her, but it is now time for others skilled and equipped to meet the demanding needs of mom. You have, in fact done a wonderful job in the caring for her.
To me, she certainly sounds like she needs to be in an assisted living or skilled nursing home experience in the caring of her needs. If she becomes abusive or violent to you or the kids if they are present, you should call 991 for medical assistance. She can be then taken to a hospital and evaluated physically and mentally. If required she, I believe, can be what is called 2PC'd (two doctor's agreeing that she is a danger to herself and/or others.) she then can be held for 72 hours for further evaluation and resolution for her well being.
I hope this helps. Please don't put off getting help. Greener Days are coming.
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Hello Greenday ~ Let me begin by saying I am so sorry for your situation. I can see that you are a wonderful caring person...just trying to work everything out. Trying to do too much!! I do hope that you understand that it is very difficult to try and give advice or help much on these forums..for fear of hurting someone's feelings, etc. But truly if we only say what we think you want to hear ....we will not be helping you. I have read all the posts and I think that all were great but Austin is showing you the direction that you may want to consider, If your sister is not going to help...you have to think of yourself and your chiildren so the best thing may be asking Social Services for advice and share your story...I assume that your mother does not have money for a nursing home. When my mother was alive ...I knew a friend whose family was out of work was receiving some assistance and they received a lot of help and all the depends, and other necessities etc were given to them...she even had a few breaks (to get away for the afternoon) all provided by the programs designed to help the less fortunate. They also had the opportunity to place her in a nursing home but decided to keep her at home. Once they alz patient has reached a certain point I am beginning to think for the patient it is not going to make much difference where they are...they just need to be loved and taken good of. Now that is something to think about. There are now a lot of programs for the aging but I realize though that all states have different programs so you would have to check it out.

Not to upset you but I can understand how the children must be viewing things...and they are confused. Remember how it was when you were little ...how we always felt that we out foxed the adults and how we could so easily pick up on their energy as to whether things were OK or not. I know I always knew the right time to ask for things...how about you? Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for...I feel that for them you are the most important thing and when you are upset it upsets them. I am sure they love you very much..and that is all going to work. I truly do not see how you could take care of small children and also your mother. Just taking care of my mother almost killed me...From my perspective I think you might want to work toward your own vibrant health (taking care of you).

We all want to be supportive of you. If you just want to rant a little with out us offering any advice, etc. Just say the word...and that is OK too. My heart goes out to you because I know that we cannot any of us really know the pain that you are feeling with this stress and then being separated from you children...but try to make the best of seeing them when you can and make it fun for them. I know you can do it...you are a brave one. I admire your courage. Find something exciting to get into!!!! I just said a little prayer for you that things will work out for your highest good. I know that things will work out...Much love and blessings to you brave girl~Bobbi
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Wow ! I think I would take a deep breath outside away from everyone and everything and pray for guidance. I agree that you cannot do this alone. No one can & that is the whole key. You sound like you have been deeply hurt & that is affecting how you act & react to situations. Bear in mind, not all people are out to hurt you, you mom or your children. It sounds like you mother needs more care than you or your sister can provide at this stage in her life. I would seek outside help in the form of a pastor, social worker or adult protective services. Then, be honest with yourself & others, you also need help. And honey, all of us do at different stages in our life. We are not made to islands but a community that loves & helps one another. You need support and people to come along side of you who will help you and support you as you begin to stand on your own feet. You have had the rug pulled out from under you and are trying to get up with no help. Allow others to help you. That means be honest and transparent enough to say you need help & accept it. I would suggest a good church family. A good church can benefit you & and your children. It will help you cope with your mom & even deal with the exhusband. Don't beat yourself up, life has a way of doing that to us sometimes. Choose life & not death, good & not bad & soon you will be making those postive baby steps to put you on the road to health & success. Best wishes to you. Things are going to get better.
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The statement that an elders savings etc are for their care as they age is the right answer and people have to get their minds around it-in the past families lived together and the grandparents helped with the grandchildren and as they ages their kids and grandchildren took them on but elders did not live long enought years to get dementia -this is a different world today. I am seeing a horrible situation where the elders have stinking lives because one daughter wants to save the house-both parents belong in a nursing home.
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I would take austin's advice. Take her to an er and give them your sister's number. And that way it will be out of your hands and into her's. I really think she needs to be in a nh. If our dad ever gets like that or has alz/dem. I just don't think my nerves could take that. He is a very strong willed man and a big one at that me and my sister could not handle him. I'm sorry but it would be nh city for him. I wish you all the luck with your mom and kids!!! Love and hugs stormyyyy
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I would take your mother back to your sister's house and leave her there. If your sister hassles you, get a restraining order. Don't worry about the money your mother gave you...as a gift to help you. You need to be left alone to gather your own life together. Seriously, do not try to fix this situation by your self. Having to deal with giving your mother drugs to control her behavior is not as easy as it sounds, there are side effects that can be worse than the way she is acting now...she needs to be given professional help and you should let your sister do this...she is in charge of the money, therefore she can be in charge of the treatment your mother needs. At this time, you have to love yourself more than anyone else...make yourself first, fight for yourself and your well being. We will be here to cheer you on! HUGS....now get packing, get your mom back to your sisters ASAP.
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PS Greenday, you dont know what your Mom gets for income you mentioned. She must get SS at the very least and IF thats low its probably $800 a month and you are only getting $100? Also, IF your mom truely has no money, she will qualify for FREE care. Good Luck
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Greenday, first of all, give yourself credit for trying and then organize this situation. #1, make sure you are okay. Then, Get your Mom to a neuro and onto medication for her agression (depakote sprinkles are what my Mom went on) and she will be a different person. You should be getting $100 a day, not a month. IF your sister )POA) will not pay you, then tell her to find someone who will do it for $100 a month.
You can live with a calmed down Mother and get paid to do it. No one owes us an inheritence, her money is for her care and you will be doing the care. You also can put her in a Nursing Home regardless, they will take all her money and she will be taken care of. My Mom is in late stages alzheimers and she will be with me forever, but in a case like yours, I do agree you need help or to place her. You Mom does not mean to yell, her mind is like a tornado of confusion and she is lost and scared, she needs medication before it gets worse and she leaves your house and takes off. One thing at a time, you, her, and deal with your sister. Your POA sister might be her Health Care Proxy person also, and if so, its up to her to solve this issue. Seems like she had your mom during the easier time of the disease and then shipped her off to you. You can have a caretakers contract made up for you to get paid from your Moms estate, or pension or SS, but you ALSO need to HIRE someone so YOU have a few days off a week. No one cal do it alone without help and even if you dont want to get paid, you need days off, especially in your state of mind .Breathe Deep, you can do this, baby steps...
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Please take the advise of 195Austin. I can not add anything to it. What I will say is you need to do this NOW for your own well being and the safety of your mother. I would also suggest, if you haven't already, sit down with your kids and explain why your mother acted as she did in front of them. She did not realize that her behavior was wrong.

I wish you and your family all the best. But, Please do this now. You are sitting on a ticking time bomb.
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Call social services and tell them you are planning on taking her to an ER because she is out of control and give them your sister's name and phone no. and let her deal with getting her into a nursing home-you are not responsible for paying for placement-your sister has POA so she has to work with a social worker to get her into a nursing home-unless your mother has assests she will be put on medicaide pending while your sister does the application and she will be approved or have to spend down her money until being accepted-every nursing home have social workers to do this and they will fast because the NH will want to get the money as fast as they can for her care. I would listen to Eddie he is very wise and gives good advice. I have had much experience-my husband was disabled for 16 years before he passed away and know how difficult doing the paperwork for medicaide is-you sister has control of your mother's money so she can pay for the lawyer-he or she will ask for a retainer-mine did -and charged me for 5 hrs. so this staff probly could have done it in 2 hrs. tops while I tried to do it on my own and worked on it every day for 2 weeks and only got started the social worker help me a little when I broke down crying in her office-she should have done it all. Please let us know how things go because many other are facing what you are going through and your experience will help others. Please do not accept all the work for fixing this-be glad your sister is POA and it is not fair of her to put it all on you when she knew how hard it would it would for you. You will get through this with help from professionals and the group here and you will be a stronger person afterwards and will feel able to take on the task of seeing your children more and getting your life back on track and before you know it you will be helping others.
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G:

You haven't lost your children and they don't love you any less. Until you take responsibility for the toxicity that clearly starts and ends with you, there won't be any light at the end of the tunnel and everyone around you will suffer. ... BTW, your mom seems to be the only one fighting you back. Why is that?
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Thank you all so very much.....thank you....just knowing there are loving, caring would out there who understand is such a relief........ps, its 3:03 am, and I've been up with my mom twice tonight......I'm so exhausted! I'm sure you all know.....
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greenday, since you sister is POA for mom, tell her it's time for a nursing home or whatever. She's burnt out, and understandably so, and it sounds like your mother has gone downhill since she lived with your sister, so it's not logical that you have mom for another 2 years etc. Also, I wouldn't let anyone lay guilt on you about the money your mom gave/loaned or whatever you either. As POA, there is NO way of knowing for sure just what your sister did with mom's money, so unless she can swear on a stack of Bibles that she NEVER took money from mom, then forget that nonsense too. You tell your sister that you don't know how in the world she had your mom for 2 years, but you just CAN NOT do this anymore. Your circumstances are totally different than your sister's were. She can't expect you to pick up where she left off.
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I want to thank you both for your responses. Dreamweaver: you were so kind, it made me tear up! I do appreciate it.
Jeannegibbs: I'm just having a difficult time jumping from your kindness to your words that seem to berate me. Things like "what were you thinking.....you thought you could handle her? wow." are hurtful words, but I'll try to explain. My sister has an enormous house--three levels--and though my mom was living there, I don't think that in the 2 years she DID live there, my sister ever spent a few hours (let alone 24 hours) straight with my mom. Being that she lives 2 hours away, I was there for parties and occassional overnights....and had NO idea of the extent regarding my mother's care. I knew she had her aggitated moments....but did NOT know to what degree they occurred. Again, please just know that your other words were so helpful, and I DO understand that you are trying to help.

We have no money for help. I have no idea what my mother gets from the State, and do not know if there are any alternatives available. But I WILL look into it.

Thank you both so very much for the suggestions......you remain in my thoughts, as well!
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You are obviously a strong person, a survivor. You came back from a nervous breakdown and a suicide attempt. You got your life straightened out to the point where your children enjoyed being with you. You should be proud of your accomplishments.

Your sister came to "the end of her rope" trying to care for your mother with dementia. So mother came to live with you. WHAT WERE YOU AND YOUR SISTER THINKING?!! This poor person with dementia is beyond the point where she can live in a private home with one caretaker, and you thought you could/should handle her? Wow. I can't imagine what made you think this could work, but now everyone knows beyond a doubt that it cannot work. This is not because you are flawed or your mother is evil. It is because your mother is very sick and even though you are brave and strong, her care is beyond you.

So, the first thing that has to happen is to get mother into a professional care setting, where people are trained to deal with her outbursts, and no one has to deal with her for more than one working shift at a time.

I'm afraid if I were your ex-spouse I would not allow the children to visit you in your home with Mother there. I would insist on visits elsewhere, and no overnights. I can't imagine a judge allowing children to stay where they have to sleep under a table to hide from someone in the house. And yet you can be a good parent. You deserve to have extended contact with your children, and they deserve to have you in their life, in a safe, nonabusive environment.

Of course you can't afford professional care for Mother. It is not your responsibility to pay your mother's way. As POA your sister needs to figure out the finances here. Can Mother afford professional care out of her own assets/income? If not, Sister has to get the ball rolling and get Mother qualified for aid, such as Medicaid. I hope Sister will be cooperative about this. If not, get Social Services involved. It is absolutely not appropriate for your mother to be living with you.

The first thing that HAS to happen is to correct the bad mistake of bringing Mother in to live with you. Your sister couldn't handle it and neither should you be expected to. You deserve better.

The same strength and courage you've shown in the past will see you through this nightmare. You can once again turn your life around and be a healthy, loving, nurturing mother. You can also be a loving daughter, to a mother who is in a setting that can better handle her current impairments.

Please come back and tell us what you are doing and how it is working out for you. I sincerely care.
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Its the hardest thing i have ever had to do in my life, I also take care of my mom who has moderate dementia. In my humble opinion its time to look into NH or AL. If your mom is abusive then its a danger to you your kids and to her.Call elder services in you r area and ask them for help explain whats happening with your mom.If she has money that should pay for her to go into a NH or AL, its not for your sister. If not then your sister can apply for medicaid, she has POA right? Your in a tough situation talk to your sister about mom going into a place. If that doesnt work call elderly services for help. I know how hard it is I'm taking care of my mom and shes not violent, yet. God Bless
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