Lost between Husband, Mom and siblings. Any advice?

Follow
Share

Hello, I guess I've reached the burnout stage as I care for my mom for the past several years... I remained single till almost middle age due to my close bond with my mom. She's been living with me and hubby for 6 years now, although I have 3 older siblings that hardly call or email EVER. Mom has a little bit of dementia, incontinence, and sleep disorders. E.g. she wakes me up at 3 am when hungry.
I brought my mom from Europe as my siblings have neglected her for the past decades, since dad died and most of the property was distributed.
So mom depends on me and my overall support, yet does not wish to contribute at all in any financial burden, including her health insurance of $800 per month. She longs for my time and attention, yet misses my siblings, though they have long abandoned her. She keeps her pension for "when she'll return back home".
Sometimes mom wakes up in tears and loud complaints about being homesick and willing to return to Europe. Hubby and I work very hard to make ends meet, yet I work from home and keep her clean, well fed, and protected. She does not speak english, though I have been begging her to take lessons ages ago.
My husband is worried about our life and financial future. He says that mom's 800 dollar insurance will not help much if some serious condition occurred in the future. I understand his concerns, and have to chose this week if mom will stay or go back to a hometown with a sibling that mostly cares for her financial support, yet is not the responsible type to care for her the way I do.
On one hand, I love mom deeply and want her to be safe with me, yet she misses her other kids and grand kids, and does not seem to appreciate hubby and my efforts.
By the way, we are trying to conceive and it is now or never, as my bio clock is ticking really hard.
Please help me. I am lost between the 2 loves of my life, hubby and mom.

Find Care & Housing
11

Answers

Show:
Thank you everyone. FYI, so far my husband has not contributed financially. I work really hard and bear all the responsibilities. He fears of a future condition, and this is why i asked for your advise. I guess it is hard to explain your life story in a single page. I get the message, it will be better and fair for everyone if mom returns to Europe. Thanks again.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Lillyblue
Report

Thank you everyone. My husband is wonderful, yet I am not ungrateful, as I bear the caregiver's responsibilities and all financial expenses for her. She is 93 and siblings neglected her to a point where it was me or nothing. You are all right, yet again, so far my husband has not contributed fonancially. I work really hard and bear all the responsibilities. I guess it is hard to explain your life story in a single page, and regret the very first response on the blog was very harsh on me, while only having half the picture. Thanks anyway.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Lillyblue
Report

You have a good man there. I agree with everyone, let her go home. She is in a strange country and has not acclimated herself to it yet. As she ages she will cling to you more and more. Your husband comes first. You have an opportunity here to have ur life back. There r some on this forum who would jump at that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
Report

IF she has loving care of family back "home"---let her go.

No, maybe their care, in your eyes will not be the stellar care you feel you provide, but a big part of mom's well being is NOT just having someone there 24/7 and an immaculate home--but friends and family to pass time with.

I agree with hubby. 6 years is a long time to be tied to something like this. You need to put him first and show him you're 100% in the marriage.

You don't have the worry of monetarily caring for her as you have a sib who steps in as needed, right? Time for you to share the love, so to speak and let mom have time with other family.

And, expecting mom with dementia to learn a new language is asking the impossible. Maybe you're just a tad too invested in mom's care.

Let her go and see how it goes for 6-12 months. You've never had the chance to be "newlyweds" since mom has been right there all the time. Your hubby must be amazing.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Midkid58
Report

I also want to know how old mom is. I think she needs to go back to her home country. She's obviously not willing to contribute to making her way in the US (if that's where you are). Your husband should be your first priority. Your mom has lived her life and it's time for you to live yours - with your husband and future children. Let mom be taken care of by your siblings and her grandchildren. You've done your time in caring for mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to blannie
Report

Kimber makes a really important point -- your mother won't qualify for US programs.

So your H is really right to worry about financial ruin.

What country is she from? What kind of aid can she get in that country?
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to CTTN55
Report

Send her back home - especially as she ages and needs more care. She won't qualify for US based programs.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Kimber166
Report

Lillyblue: "She's been living with me and hubby for 6 years now"

You've done your time!

"So mom depends on me and my overall support, yet does not wish to contribute at all in any financial burden, including her health insurance of $800 per month."

Selfish! A big reason for you to stop the caregiving.

"...have to chose this week if mom will stay or go back to a hometown with a sibling that mostly cares for her financial support, yet is not the responsible type to care for her the way I do."

If she's in her hometown, she will be speaking her native tongue and will be able to take care of her own healthcare needs? You mentioned having 3 siblings...so what about the other 2?

"...we are trying to conceive and it is now or never, as my bio clock is ticking really hard."

I'm guessing you are approaching 40. It is now or never. If you really want a child, that must become your focus. Don't you think you will end up resenting your mother if you don't have a child because of being her caregiver?
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CTTN55
Report

I understand that you want your mom with you as she is well cared for however we all have to pay our way in life. It's not too much to expect her to chip in to the household expenses.

If your mom does go back to Europe you're going to have to trust that she'll be ok. You'll need to let go and go on with your life with your husband. If your mom ends up staying with you I agree with the above poster who advised against having a baby. I can't imagine anyone being a caregiver to an elderly parent and being pregnant for 9 months and having an infant to care for at the same time. I've been a caregiver and I've been a parent and doing both at the same time with a baby gives me the shivers just thinking about it.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Eyerishlass
Report

Lilly, can we go back a bit please?

You say you didn't marry until comparatively late because you were very closely connected with your mother.

Did you bring her to the States with you on your marriage, or did she follow you some time later?

Hope you won't mind my asking, but could you also please clarify everyone's respective ages? It does make a difference, and I'm finding it hard to guess what you mean by "middle-aged."
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report