Lost & hopeless 20 yr old. Please help.

Samaaa, your dad needs to take her to a doctor, not the hospital ER. Making an appointment with a doctor and keeping that same doctor for all future appointments is important to her current and future care and diagnosis. It's called continuity of care. This means her doctor will know her and her health issues really well and she will get better care this way. Nothing will "fall through the cracks". An ER is more like a temporary triage situation: intake, fix problem, go home (if possible). She won't have the same doc twice and they may not have the medical specialist she needs at the ER or hospital. This is true of your own healthcare. Always try to see the same doctor. Always move on to a specialist if you don't see improvement or get answers. Remember that you are your own best advocate. Have a wellness check every year if your plan allows it for free or minimum co-pay so that a doctor can see what your "baseline" health measures are because everyone is different. Let us know how it goes with your fam.

Samaaa, I too am sorry for the stress, anxiety and sadness you're experiencing. I want you to know it's not permanent. The virus thing isn't permanent and your home life situation is not permanent. However, I can understand how it feels like you've been in it forever and it's never going to change. Sometimes taking tiny steps to start to work on a big problem relieves some of the anxiety and provides hope. There are several issues going on at the same time in your family. Is it possible your mom is drinking more than anyone realizes so that this may be the reason for her increased odd behavior? Your mom could have Korsakoff Syndrome or ARBD (alcohol-related brain damage). Or, she could have an undiagnosed UTI, which is treatable with antibiotics. But your dad is the hinge pin in getting her to the doctor or into treatment. Insisting. So that if she doesn't go to the doctor he will kick her out. She won't cooperate if she knows there are no consequences and your dad is the only one who can create the incentives. If he's not willing to do this, nothing will change, she will just get worse and it will inevitably compromise his health as well.

Is your dad willing to consider an alternative living arrangement for your sister? Like a supervised group home or LTC facility? Does she receive SSDI? He could start by contacting your county's social services (through the Dept of Health and Human Services) to find out if she qualifies for any sort of in-home care or if she's a Medicaid candidate which would pay for her to live in a facility. If your dad is not willing to do either of these things, you should move out because it signals that he's not willing to consider the most probable solutions. He should also consider that he is co-dependent with your mom's alcoholism and also an enabler. You don't need to join him in this dysfunction. You must not. So, do a little research on the above and have a discussion with just him to see if he's willing. Then you will know what your next steps will be. May you have peace and hope in your heart that things can change for the better.

Sorry - you say your sister 'often beats on' your mother. And your father is the only person in the family with the physical strength to restrain your sister.

But. But. But.

Your father is out at work most of the time.
If your father is having to use physical strength to contain your sister's behaviour, then your sister is not getting the right support in the right environment.
And I'm not surprised your mother has broken down. Has she been your sister's primary caregiver for as long as you can remember?

It is your *sister* and your *father* who need better answers. What is being done to address your sister's care and support needs? Who else is involved?

 I could start by sharing my "I don't know what to do" phases, as caregiver for my husband w/ dementia. I'm 77 yrs. old, the " I don't know what to do" has no age rule. Enough about me. This is about U!  You found something to do by reaching out to this site.  First step!  All of us offering suggestions or advice to help you. Based on our varied experiences even if it's taken long times. Yes, it is your fathers responsibility legally and morally but that is not revelant now. 
With his work, your sisters issues and all other circumstances he is fortunate with a son wanting to help.  Arm yourself dear one with information. 
" Knowledge is power"!  There is a plethora of information on this site and many others on line. Learn as much as you can in time you can afford and ASAP to know what you are dealing with re: your mothers issues. Symptoms,
what to do , how to do it. Etc. Please do stay in touch here. A great place to
rant , & ask questions. It's good to be able to communicate w/ people that understand , don't judge or criticize.  You are unique and special  

Frist of all if your mom has dementia and it sounds like she does . her logic center of her brain is no-longer working right, her short term memory will no longer function. You will have to live in her world and be kind and patient, Dr. Phil has created an on-line Doctors on Demand site. Also Area on Aging may have some answers. You may need to hide car keys or fix her car so it doesn't work etc. You need to understand that your Dad is responsible for getting your mom help. I know that having a sister with issues is more than you should have to deal with . I respect that you are taking on the job of finding help. That shows great character and that you are a good person. If you have other family who can help I would call them. Your moms condition is going to aggravate your sisters condition. If you can separate them it would be better. Right now with this Covid19, families and close friends need to step up and help each other. Take all safety precautions. and educate yourself on dementia. Keep calling, wrighting etc., until someone hears you. You are in my prayers.

Samaaa,

My heart is broken for you. I am so very sorry for all that you are dealing with, both individually and as a family. It sounds overwhelming and I can’t begin to imagine what your days are like. First, let me commend you for going to college. Are you attending St Pete College? I ask because they have a Student Assistance Counseling Program that provides counseling and support for students in need so that you can ultimately be a successful student. Most colleges and universities have similar programs. In Pinellas county, there are a few other options as well. The first is PEHMS. 727-545-6477. Their 24-hr mental health line is 727-541-4628. Check out their website. They even have a mobile crisis response team. Another contact is NAMI. 727-826-0807. Also consider contacting TheHopeLine. You can check out their website as well. They are professionals and can mentor you with solid, real world advice.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find the resources you need. Ultimately, it’s your dad that will have to seek help for your mom but I’m hoping some of these suggestions can offer assistance, not just for your mom but for you and your family as well. You already know, but I want to remind you to not hesitate to call 911 if you ever feel that you or your family are not safe.

Now for some old lady advice: I grew up in a bad situation too. The best thing I did was to get out, to emancipate myself from what was going on at home. I felt like it was a matter of survival, and it was. I know that’s easier said than done but perhaps you can go away to school. There are a few colleges in the country that are tuition free and pride themselves in a work-study curriculum, including room and board. Another option is the military, maybe even the Coast Guard. Just food for thought.

Please stay safe. It may be tough to access solid resources during the pandemic but don’t give up. You are worth it. Please keep us updated with how you are doing.

Um. I think it's your Dad who needs to talk to someone who can help. Don't you?

If he's working every day, trying to look after your sister (how old is she, older or younger than you?), and now having to support your mother too - no, it's just not going to work. And what happens if he breaks down?

What does he says about how he sees this going? Can you talk the situation through with him?

Psychiatric help and therapy are also available online. These days all insurance and Hospitals have some sort of Tele-doc app. I am going to suggest that, much like in an airplane, you need to put your mask on before helping others. You are in a highly stressful situation, and Corona is a pile on. Please reach out to a therapist for yourself and look to see if you can do the same for your mom.
BTW, many doctors and hospitals are cancelling non urgent visits and encouraging Tele visits instead. I just had my lab work follow up with my regular PCP via an app session - it was just as effective.

This is far more than any of us here can fix for you. If you have a counselor at school or a trusted professor/teacher ask them for help. You can also text “HELLO” to 741741. This is a crises textline. Good luck. I hope you find someone who can help straighten this out for you. .