I'm losing my strength to deal with end of life with lung cancer and Alzheimer's. Why does this have to happen?

My second husband was in a hospice for two weeks. He had mild vascular dementia for several years, but had had a major stroke and was unable to eat. We had agreed on no feeding tube years before, so after leaving the hospital he went to a stand alone hospice facility, and it was excellent. Yes, it is hard watching someone you love slowly starve to death, but he never said he was hungry, just thirsty. And that was primarily dry mouth, he really wasn't swallowing anything, but he did get mouth care from the hospice personnel. The final three days he was in a coma, but received morphine sublingualy. I think the morphine is more for the family as he gave no indication of being in pain. His children have cut off contact with me because "I killed him," but I would want the same for myself under those conditions. I now watch my own children struggling to care for their demanding father (my first husband) in memory care and can tell they wish he could go as easily as their stepfather did.

I went through this with my mother, it was hard. I am lucky I have 5 other siblings, but it was equally hard on each of us. You'll get through this, it is a very hard life lesson we all must face one day. It was a blessing when Mom final gave up, she was a tough woman. She hung on to the very last breath. You'll feel some relief and a lot of grief for about a week. then slowly but surely you'll realize she isn't suffering any longer
God's Speed.

I have been slowly dying ever since I watched my father die back in 2004 and I had to help my mother adjust to the loss of a 50 year mate. I was in my late 40s then. Now I am watching my 93 year old mother in law (who lives with me) and my 82 year old mother who is still working (but shouldn't be) and trying to assist them in living during their remaining time on the earth. I often wonder which of all of us will be buried first. You are not alone. I know this sounds shallow, but if you have a gentle restorative yoga class near you, for some reason it really helps you to find peace. Try it.

Try cutting up very small slices of ginger root and adding that to her water. It will ease the nausea. Why is this happening? That's the 64 million dollar question, but if she is someplace safe and is being cared for, you can rest assured you have done your part. Losing strength at the end of her life is your body's way of releasing all the stress (cortisol) it was under and it can now relax. God must want her in heaven, so let her go. What a wonderful time of year to be with the Lord. God speed!

Dear Sumiller, I don't have the answer but want to send love and prayers your way. I hear that with dementia they don't understand the process and can't let go. Your presence may mean more to your Mom than you will ever know. If it's not too much, can you keep us updated? You'll be in my thoughts. So very sad for you.

All I can do is add to the compassion already shown on this forum. Life IS unfair, and for your mother to have to suffer from cancer and Alzheimer's at the same time is horrible. I'm glad that you have hospice to help. My mom had developed cancer and she had dementia but not AD and not a severe as many. Still, it was terrible to watch. Our hearts are with you and while no one has exactly the same experiences, we do have many things in common. Know that we're thinking of you.
Carol

Dying slowly is a tough deal for every family. I am so sorry that your mother is uncomfortable and unable to eat, and that communication with her is difficult, if not impossible, but you would have been told by now that the nausea is also typical of very late stage Alzheimer's and the tough admission to make is that her cancer could be a blessing in disguise through bringing about a faster end. I apologise if that sounds harsh - I have experience of close family and friends who were terrified of dying in hospital, attached to tubes. Both wanted the fast exit, and got it. So you have to leave your grief at home and bring a serene and comforting self to the hospice, where the best medicine for your mother is your effort to keep her distracted in the current moment with pleasant things that she can touch and smell or taste, and feel the comfort of your hand caressing hers. Palliative care (end-of-life) care has different rules from the harsher "treat and cure" care of general hospitals, so all should be done to make your mother comfortable and mitigate her symptoms. If she panics, as many Alzheimer's patients do, mild tranquillisers may help a lot. You will have to be patient, and self-controlled, so don't forget to distract yourself when you are at home, go out to the cinema, visit friends who will keep your spirits and mental strength up, not sympathise with you. And plan now for her funeral to make it a good send-off..

Once again I don't have much to add; everyone has said it already-but I can humbly add what I believe to be true.
We are not just a body which can fail and even seem to turn on us, and we are not just a mind which can seemingly or literally let us down too, we are also a spirit and no matter what is happening to our minds or bodies this is still true too.
I believe that many times it is when we can't see that the mind or body is able to comprehend or engage that the spirit is doing a great work in secret. I believe many times, if we look past what we can see with our eyes, we will see the possibility that God is with that person's spirit helping them to do the healing or letting go needed so they can go to eternity in peace. Sometimes we can ask God to give us eyes to see and He will give us peace knowing that even at the very worst times our loved one is not alone within themselves but surrounded by the Spirit and Angels and God is actually doing a very HOLY work out of compassion.
I know this comforts Christians because we are more familiar, hopefully, with the ideas of a human spirit and of the Holy Spirit and the unseen spiritual realm. God be with you and give you both peace. Amen

Another thing, you have to let her know that it's ok to go, that you'll be okay after she passes. A friend told me that recently. She said her mom hung on and hung on, and got last rites several times, and finally, the priest told her to tell her mom that she would be ok after she passed. Her mom passed that night. Sometimes a parent hangs on for us.

I'm not sure why they can't just gradually increase the pain medicine dosage to help her slip away. That seems like the humane thing to do in this situation and many others. Just sit with her when you can, hum some soothing songs, and know that God never gives us more than we can handle. God is always right there with you, and now is the time to turn it all over to Him. If you're not religious, just ask God to help your mom, and to help you, too. There is no "right" way to pray. talk to Him like you're talking to a friend. Some times just rubbing her hand and giving her gentle kisses on her forehead could be really soothing. The important thing is that she knows you are there, and she feels love.

Please talk to the Social Worker or the Chaplain that is available to you through Hospice.
Please talk to the Nurse from Hospice as well.
They can assure you that she is not in pain but if you feel she is this is a concern that they can address. (and if she is in pain that needs to be taken care of)
Express your concerns and how you feel.
It is normal to feel exhausted, drained, helpless, frustrated and any other feeling imaginable.
If your Mom is anything like my Husband was the last several months, sleeping most of the time this is sleep that she needs.
I read a very interesting "pamphlet" that I found on line it was from a Hospice website that I found. The pamphlet is called "Crossing the Creek" and it was interesting reading as it put a different aspect on some things for me.

You need to take care of yourself. I would strongly suggest you learn how to meditate and read up on mindfulness. It will renew your strength.

Be glad about the wonderful hospice team that you have for her. They do keep the patient out of pain and comfortable though it may not appear that way to us. Just seeing our loved ones this way is mentally very painful to us. My Mom went through a decline that lasted over a year and a half before she passed on last Winter.It was very rough and I developed some health problems myself going through this. I am in only child and have no relatives nearbybut my husband, and not much of a big support group people always seem to have. Sometimes I think the whole awful process was more painful to me than it was to her as I took care of her 24/7 for that time in my home, but I did have a great hospice team to help. I try each day to remember things the way they were before that rough time....that it was only a short time in a very long and interesting life my Mom had. Please know that hospice is taking the best care of your Mom and that she is not feeling pain. Do remember to take care of yourself at this time, though that is not always easy to do. She would want you to stay strong and be good to yourself. You are a good caregiver to her. {{{HUGS}}}, Katie.

my mom is doing the same thing.. & she has dementia i do not know what to do to but i have tried things like giving her doses of vitamins make sure she get fiber too i use meta mucel i do not want her to die either it is a long story but almost a month she has not ate much in hospital &nursing home too but i try well good luck !!!!!!!!

I am so sorry you and your mom are going through this horrible process. The only thing I'd think they might be able to do was to work on the nausea part of it. Are they giving her meds to help with that? That's the only thing I think might get a tiny bit better. Hugs...it's very hard.

There is one blessing with late stage Alzheimer's which my mother has. They do not worry. They don't go through the psychological processes people without this disease go though. Just keep her as comfortable as possible, love her and do contact friends and local support groups to deal with your grief.

what can you do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. what you can do is contact friends and support groups. I lost my father to cancer when he was 68 years old after 2 years of surgeries and chemo.

It is unfair! Cancer is never fair. And for your mother to have the other impairments that complicate comforting her is doubly unfair. I don't blame you for feeling absolutely outraged that this is happening.

Be glad she is in a hospice house. They know better than anyone how to minimize suffering. Keep encouraging them to keep your mom more comfortable.

My heart goes out to you both. Do your best, and don't worry about being strong enough -- just keep loving her.