Losing patience with My Father at 71. How do I become more understanding?

Danny; Does you dad live with you, or you with him?

I found that I could be patient with my mother for about 2-3 hours, once a week. So that's how often I visited. When she resided in an Independent Living Facility, my visits consisted of taking her to Bed, Bath and Beyond or to get her hair cut or her pants shortened. Then we'd have tea and muffins and discuss anything that was important.

I could be patient for that long and so I limited myself to that length of time.

Danny, don’t beat yourself up emotionally. I used to be a friendly, positive and happy-go-lucky person. I loved Life and everyone remarked on how I embodied my name, “Joy”.

Now after 5 years of 24/7 Care for my bedridden husband and 15 years since his stroke which left him semi-disabled, I am a bitter and sometimes nasty old lady.

Make sure your father keeps up with his doctor’s appointments. 71 isn’t that old. If he is beginning to have cognitive and memory issues, he needs to be tracked for the onset of dementia/Alzheimer’s so both of you will be prepared and know what to expect. It’s a lot easier to deal with when you know what’s happening.

We are human. None of us are perfect. We have moods, good and bad, and stresses that affect us every day. We do the best we can. Those of us who have it well-handled know when things are serious enough to ask for help.

I don’t believe that what you describe is normal for a 71 year old unless he has other health problems.
I do think you should do some reading about things like Parkinson’s, dementia, depression, and other diseases of aging.

With me, it just helped to realize that my father was a different person now, not my young robust parent of the past. My relationship is different now than I had in the past.
You are very young and this is pretty difficult to face when young.

A good friend told me, “You just have to let your Dad be who he is. We can’t change our parents to be who we want them to be.” Barring any medical problems that needed addressed, that brought me peace in my relationship with Dad.

There is a deck of cards called Chat, that has conversational questions that you might try. And maybe only plan one activity at a time so both of you aren’t overwhelmed.
Your love for your father is evident, and he feels that.

i read how he walks into you and my mom does that. when we walk, she will always walk behind me and not next to me. and she uses a walker and she always bumps into me. but she doesn't remember shes doing that - so she keeps doing it. she says oh im so sorry. and i keep telling her mom walk beside me. and my mom waits for me to talk. she almost sits there and waits for the conversation to start. you aren't a bad person, but you do need to figure out how to get past that. i have to remind myself that my mom is ~doing the BEST that she can~ yeah i get annoyed but its just part of my life now. either feel angry or let it go.

I know where u are coming from. At 65 I had no patience. I am a person that hates to shop for groceries and clothes. I rarely go to stores unless I need something. When I do its go in get what I want and out. I rarely browse. So, when someone is slow, I really have to make myself be patient.

I was that way when my Mom started failing as well. We used to be able to visit several shops and run errands and be home by early afternoon. Now, I schedule maybe one or two stops and that's it and we are lucky to be home by dinner. As for slow decisions, my Mom is that way too. Picking out a tea or a drink or a cereal is a monumental decision for her. I've had to learn to be patient and just let her do her thing. She is who she is now and I can't change that. But she is still my Mom and deserving of respect and kindness. She's more like a child than an adult now, and I've had to adjust. Its not easy, but it does make things better.

I think it makes me sad and then the sadness can turn to anger and frustration. I just want her to be the Mom I always knew and that's not possible so I have to adjust to who she is now. Its almost like getting to know a new person all over again.

I also have trouble keeping my patience and temper with my mom. In stores, I give her the cart and go find my own things then come back to her. Sometimes she is still dithering over the same item. She also NEVER understands something when it is explained to her and either I have to go over it several times over several days or I leave her to misunderstand it. There’s no easy fix for me. I get snappish and impatient with her and I don’t like myself when I do, but I also understand it’s human nature and I can’t fix my patience level. When I am at the point where I’m getting snappy; I leave the room, store aisle, or vicinity. I come back when I’m feeling calmer. Don’t feel like you are a bad person. You are imperfect just like everyone else.

I feel your pain, my wife is also like a child in many ways but also has very bad back from falls. At times I loose my temper When all the while I know she cannot help herself. The guilt is almost unbearable at times. I pray constantly for strength and understanding. I will pray for you as well.

Put yourself in his shoes. He doesn't want to be in this condition and have someone care for him. He has lost his independence and is probably angry.... subconsciously. The closest person to him will receive the backlash. It is no picnic for him and he is facing the inevitable. YOU know his heart and his intentions. I can tell you by experience, though, that unless you take care of yourself, you too will become angry and resentful. In the end, you will realize that it was both a privilege and an honor to care for your parent until he passes. I went thorough what you are and much worse. Patience, understanding, compassion, faith and pray got me through it all.

71 is too young for these types of problems! He should visit a doctor, if he has not been diagnosed with something that would explain these issues. But I know this doesn't answer your question. Give yourself mental a time-out when you feel yourself becoming resentful. Focus on your breathing or actually take a time out, sit him on a bench and take a short walk.

What is your dad's ailment? You don’t note that in your profile. I assume he has either Parkinson's or dementia of some kind. My husband is close to 71 and what you describe is not normal for that age. You may want to take him to see a geriatric specialist if there is one in your area. But as far as your attitude...the hardest thing is to build your character and know that he doesn’t mean to be irritating. When it happens, say to yourself some sort of mantra that helps. For instance, "he can’t help it, but I love him". As far as having to repeat yourself, has he had his hearing checked? Hearing loss is implicated in dementia. Also be sure you are facing him when you talk, get his attention and then talk. Also slow down...I can’t believe how fast younger people talk now days. It’s very frustrating when I call a business and the person rattles off their opening remarks like a speeding bullet. Ridiculous. Also, get yourself some support with a counselor for a few sessions ...who can help give you coping skills.

What you describe is actually pretty normal. I went through the same thing with my own father who had dementia.

The best thing you can do is to just accept it and try to develop a sense of humor about it.

Find the patience you clearly lack.

Danny, how often do you see your father? If you see him once a month or less, he might not seem like the person you remember. You may be thinking of the 50 year old father you once had who walked faster, make quicker decisions etc. We tend to notice changes more when we don’t see someone on a regular basis. But if you see him frequently and these behaviors are a total and sudden change from what he normally was, he needs to see his physician. You could make the appointment and accompany him.

Chances are he actually has something wrong that is causing his behavior such as early or moderate stage dementia, Alzheimer's, etc. My father is 89 and is in moderate stage dementia according to his physician. A simple test done by any good family physician can tell whether his issues are related to a cognitive decline such as dementia. I understand and to some degree, I empathize with you as I have to catch myself before I act out impatiently with my elderly dad. Regardless of whatever is going on, ask yourself this question: If the roles were reversed, how would you want him to treat you, talk to you, assist you with finding what may be causing his behavior? Someday, you may be old too, but becoming old doesn't mean you should be treated as if you are an annoyance to your own daughter.

#1. Don't ever feel like a bad person. We all have anger issues about numerous things.

What worked for me when I was assisting my dad was to first use the word "assisting" and never "taking care of" him.

Next, think back to when you were 8 yrs old (approx) and your father would lose his patience with you because you were stubborn and wanted to do things your own way.

Hold that thought in your head the next time you lose patience with your father. Yes, I had to do that too. In the middle of attempting to tell him how to do something - I realized things were the same, only reversed. In mid-sentence I changed to, "try it your way Pop. If it doesn't work, please let me know and together we will find a better way for you to do it." This gave him back his independence and also opened the door for him to ask for help. I never had another problem with him in the 7.5 years I assisted him after my mother passed.

If you have to remind him that you are now both adults - that's okay too. I was so blessed to know my father in a totally different capacity and it was a gift from heaven for both of us.

Dannyboy21,
I think it helps to be more patient and understanding if you know what's going on and what is causing the behavior. If what you are seeing with your dad looks unusual, then, I'd get it checked out. Even though he's not that old, he could have a condition that he is not aware of or he may not have the ability or good judgment to check it out. Who handles his doctor appointments? I might do a little checking to make sure that his doctor knows what you are seeing, so they can get him proper diagnosis and treatment, if something is off.

Do you know for sure that he's getting his meds, proper diet, hygiene, bills paid, etc.? When my LO started odd behavior, I wasn't sure what was wrong. I got so frustrated. Later, it was revealed that other things were going on too. I wish I had known, because I thought she was rude, lazy or inconsiderate.

I feel your pain. My mom is 85 and lives alone. While I am very busy with my own life, I make time to see her often. Whether it is for doctor's appointments or just taking her to lunch, it is something I do because I know she longs for my presence even though she has friends where she lives. She walk extremely slow because her legs and feet are swollen most of the time and she can't pick her feet up to move like she used to. I also have to repeat myself over and over but I know that is due to her hearing and sometimes her inability to comprehend what I say. She is trying so hard to keep up with how she used to be that her focus is on trying to keep up with me. I deal with this by trying to be and talk about the positive things going on. Your father wants to be with you. You are his security and what makes him feel safe. Maybe that is why he is slow and needs your help in making decisions. ????

71 is too young for what you describe. He needs to be ckd by neurologist. Do it now to get the medication that can help him or diagnosis for you to understand why he isn't the way he used to be. My spouse started w not remembering things he'd normaly know. Took him to his reg. Dr. Did MRI & said just getting old. Can't see anything else. Then he started repeating things so off to neurologist who tested him verbally & was cognitive impairment then next year visit was alzheimers. Not saying that is what your dad has but specialist are trained in seeing differently & give test to detect. Also I must talk more distinct as each word I speak now takes more time for him to get the meaning. Less words are better. I too felt silence needed talk but just you being there brings him happiness. Start preserving his legacy by asking him questions of his life & record it. Where did he sleep as toddler, his favorite toy, sports he played in school, how he met your mom? You'll wish you had done that when it's too late.

Well I'm caring for my 79 year old father who other than good morning and maybe remembering the good old days there is zero communication. In the two years since my mom passed his anger is eating him alive. He takes it out on me is civil to the rest of my siblings. If find yourself getting in a mood walk away collect your self and come back level headed. Your fortune that your father speaks to you and is willing to walk with you. My dad tunes me out with the blaring loud t.v. Good luck

Good Morning All,
Just a note: I find that speaking slower and more distinctly,  is very helpful to those whose mind does not 'catch' everything quite so quickly as it used to.  Facing a person, even us middle aged people, is helpful in the hearing of a phrase or sentence.  Cognition only comes if you can hear the words clearly. 
My Mom asked the same question several times, within minutes.  I was never sure if she forgot the answer or if she was searching to get the answer that she wanted............ It was hard for her, too, to accept that things would never be the same again,
Have a Great Day and God Bless You ALL!

It’s wonderful that you want to spend time with your dad. I’m in the same boat. I’ve learned to say “STOP” to the perfect vision in my head of my dad and I enjoying conversations, dinners out, coffee on the porch etc. What I envision is not what is reasonable at this stage. Since my mom’s passing 7 months ago, he’s confused, agitated, irrational, angry, and he doesn’t want to engage in conversation without an argument. He sits alone all day, smokes cigarettes and watches tv. I cook all his meals, do his laundry, make sure he takes his meds, make all of his appointments, clean his apartment, grocery shop, pay his bills, and if I “suggest” we go out someplace, he gets annoyed. So, my advice is to keep your visits short and productive, don’t take it personally, and let go of the vision of how you “think” it should be. For my own sanity, I just say to myself, “STOP” because I know that the way I’d like our relationship to go is not Possible.....and I leave.

You’re not alone. I’ve been going through it since 2007 when my mom passed away. He served in the Marine Corps so everything has to be perfect. He’s been doing his own thing taking care of himself until last Nov, his health took a dive out of the blue. He just turned 85 and now I’m taking care of him. He wears adult underwear and trust me without patience and an awesome husband, I would not be able to get through this. I have to keep reminding myself my dad is no longer the strong man he used to be. Everything has slowed down and I just have to keep asking God to get me through each day. Read articles about aging parents it will help. I ended up in the hospital from stress. Don’t wait until you get sick. Do something now and just keep loving your dad unconditionally. God Bless.

I am 71 myself and take care of my 94 year old mother. I understand it from both sides because my 40 yr old son lives with me. At times I feel he is impatient with me and at times I get impatient with my mom. I just need to stop, regroup and figure out what it is that makes me impatient. If it is that she is taking too much time to say something I just have to take a couple deep breaths and chill. If it is a task that is taking too long I ask if she needs help (I try to let her do as much as she is capable of). There are times when my son gets impatient with me and if I start to get my feelings hurt I remind myself of my mom. I think too that as you get older you will gain more patience, or perhaps it comes with practice. For the most part (some exceptions, of course) old(er) people are not trying to upset you but to keep some semblance of the control they had as a younger person. Good luck and spend as much time talking about the past as you can. I lost my dad when I was 16 and missed so much. That is also why I try to keep my cool with my mom.

I think a walk for you & a walk for your dad are different things - he seems to be taking a 'perambulation' which is a slow meandering stroll with stops to smell the 'roses' - by roses I mean he sniffs flowers, looks in the bakery window, waves to the postman etc while he goes from point A to point B - this is the pace he wants to go at so stop trying to exercise with him but smell a few roses yourself -

When you change your expectations you may find that you are not as impatient with him & may notice things that a busy life stops you from seeing

hey dannyboy, I feel like I know that pain... Here are a few things I have done that have helped me...

I set up a dedicated TV screen which has a HDMI-device which allows me to play content on that TV. This meant that I could have it cycle through a few screens - reminding my Mom that I would pick her up at 2pm on Thu for the dentist, or what time she should go down to the dining room for lunch or dinner. I also had a page that I called "Things We Have Been Talking About" and there I would put questions that she had recently asked and what the answers were that I gave her. This allowed her to re-read this info, and answer the question (which of course had come up in her mind again), without her having to ask the question or me to re-answer it. This was a huge help!

In terms of frustrating things that she would do - I tried to change how I reacted. My Mom has some standard rant/complaints that can get annoying, hearing them over and over again (Prince Harry's red hair, men with facial hair, men wearing baseball caps, women with 'crazy' curly hair, etc etc). I will never get my Mom to stop sharing her annoyance at these things, so I have "game-ified" it, so that I give myself a mental point for each rant. So instead of feeling my blood pressure rise as I have to listen to an all too-familiar rant, inside I am happy ("woohoo, 1 point for Prince Harry!!"). :)

Bottom line is to see if there is some way to change your emotional response, as that is the part you have control over.

And one last thought - is there any way that you can ask for help or reduce other responsibilities that you have? When I used to be with my Mom all day, and also trying to work an 8 hour day at the same time (on my laptop), I was quicker to get frustrated. I went on leave a few months ago, and now my only "job" is to help my Mom, and I have much more patience. I know that I am very lucky in this - but thought it was worth mentioning - maybe you need to ask for some help to reduce other burdens, to leave you "lighter" when you are with your Dad.

All you can do is your best. If you lose your patience, you are not "bad" you are just human, like the rest of us. Lots of luck to you, and know that you are not alone.

I'm about your same age, and while I'm not a family caregiver right now, I've sometimes had those same feelings of frustration/anger when it comes to my grandmother, who I love to BITS. She 91 and lives in England most of the year, and has been coming for visits--she's moving back here in October to live with my parents. I've been a professional caregiver and have worked with the elderly for over 14 years--I have SO much patience for the seniors I've worked with. Walking super slow with one of them- that's fine! I have to repeat myself a gazillion times- no problem! So why do I find myself getting irritated when my wonderful, loving, supportive, amazing grandmother walks slowly or has difficulty understanding me?

I think, for me, the anger/irritation/frustration boils down to FEAR. I'm afraid of what these changes mean. These changes mean she's getting old and will die. I will lose her. Seeing a loved one age reminds us of our own mortality.

I wonder if some of these feelings you've been having are also rooted in fear?

Do you know if there is a Family Caregiver Support Program near you? Many states have a program that supports family caregivers in their role of helping a loved one--this help can really vary, but might include respite care (a professional caregiver coming to give you a break, or helping pay for your dad to attend an adult day program). Some programs might even help with some counseling, so you could see someone to help you work through some of these feelings you've been having. A counselor may be able to help you work through finding a way to accepting things and feeling better.

I care for my ill husband and also have two healthy teen age sons. I still relate to this post! I have a lot of caregiver guilt since I lose a lot of patience. Every day! When that happens, I must take a break ASAP. Even if I just take a bath for 20 minutes. I also write which helps. I can not share this with anyone but this forum since they do not understand. I thought I was alone until I read this post so thank you for validating my feelings! No one understands caregivers, but caregivers! Hugs to all!

It takes much effort to be able to navigate as a caregiver. Not everyone can learn to adapt. I myself work so hard to prepare for a good visit but it often falls apart within an hour. My dad will not change...he is who he has become, and there are coping tools out there to help, but it really comes down to you. Physical limitations, memory issues, it is out of his control. Trying to understand his limitations is the first step...put yourself in his shoes. I have been in both sides. I watched my elderly dad care for my mom - doing his best but failing as he had no patience and believed my mom was not trying hard enough. Now it is him who has physical and dementia issues, and I am now going through what he went through as a caregiver. It’s a steep learning curve for me. But it is not his learning curve....just mine. I wish you much patience and understanding. You will grow tremendously from it in many ways....if you choose to work hard at it. I myself fail all the time, but I have also come a long way. And I make sure I am ok foremost.

Please trust and listen to my post !! Instead of looking at your dad as being 71 and difficult to deal with at times, you need to realize he is nearing the end of his life and there will come a day when you wish you could still take a walk with him. For me it really helped thinking about that time as being a blessing and when I would deal with my parents at the end of their lives, I would think of every single day as possibly being the last time I would ever get to spend with them. Do you think you would get frustrated if you knew today was the last time you would ever get to spend with him? It really helped me looking at life a little different, because it's easy to take the time for granted when the truth is it really could be your last walk with your dad. I just don't want you having to live with guilt once he is gone. For me, it was less than a month where I went from walking with my dad to watching him not even be able to get out of a chair to wondering if today was the day he would die, so please take this to heart !!