I feel like I'm losing my mind. Any help?

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I have been taking care of my mom for about four yrs. now, and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I stopped working about 2yrs ago, I have now gone through all my life savings my bank account is now in the negative, my 401k is gone, I just got my car repoed. I also have lupus and remoutoid arthritis, so my health is no so great. Having said all that I would be OK if she wasn't so mean to me, and run me like I'm her slave, if I don't jump right away she will just scream until I do whatever she wants. She is in her right mind so she know exactly what she's doing. She has lied on me before and told people at the hospital that I hit but she said her medicine made her do it and she doesn't remember, but whenever she gets mad she says she is going to tell people that I'm mean to her. I'm kinda at the end of my rope I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Whenever I say she needs to go somewhere longterm she tells what a horrible person I am, and I only care about myself. I don't want to send her away but I don't know what else to do.

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Michelle's, I can empathize. My mom is still managing and I don't care for her full time but I'm the only one she sees or helps her and worse, the only one she will do anything with or allow my limited help. She is controlling and stubborn. I Learned from this site and luckily haven't had and won't spend any of my money for moms care, I still work. I spend vacation days helping mom when I can and I WANT TO CONTROL what is best in my mind for her...unfortunately it's not how she sees it or what she wants...without her permission or desire to change, I'm helpless and its a bitter pill, but I accept it. You will have to put some some care pLans in place for her by seeking resources to help mom...then you wil have to step back and care for you and your future. Yes it is starting over it and starting from nothing...but one day at a time and it will be freeing for you in the long run. Get started on your new life forward!
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We do unfortunately fall into patterns, and I have enabled her to act the way she does. I know I'm also a control freak so that doesn't help, I want to fix everything and make everything better. I just need to learn I can't fix someone that doesn't want it. I just have to know that I did everything I could, but I think I will always feel guilty no matter what happens.
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This is from an Aging Care article on coping with Narcissistic Parents:


Coping on your own

An elderly narcissist is unlikely to change their behavior. Psychologists agree that NPD is notoriously difficult to treat, even in young, physically healthy people.

Thomas admits that caring for a narcissist isn't easy and is likely to, "challenge one to the core of their being," and offers some strategies to help caregivers cope with narcissistic family members:

1.Do as much as you can to maintain a social life of some sort.
2.Seek professional help from a counselor or psychologist.
3.Set personal limits on how much abuse you are willing to take, and stick to them.
It's also important to remember that a relationship with a narcissist is, effectively, a one-way street. Narcissists are so caught up in themselves that they have a limited ability to love other people.

Truly accepting this reality will help a caregiver to acknowledge their role as a protector and provider for someone who lacks the ability to reciprocate with feelings of love, appreciation, or even tolerance.

Resnick and Thomas both urge caregivers to take responsibility for choosing their personal emotional state. You can't control the narcissist—you can only control yourself.
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Michelle, no blame here. We all fall into patterns of behavior. They can be really tough to change.

If your mom goes into long term care and stops eating, that a choice that she as an adult makes. My mil did that after heart surgery. Wouldn't do the rehab. Refused medication for depression. My husband had walked away the year before when she threatened to report him for abuse (he told her that with copd, you really should quit smoking). Her other two sons stepped up to manage her care and got the docs to back off further intervention "because if our mom wants to die, we have to let her die".

Adults make choices.

Your mom can make hers. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated any longer. You said in another post that you were seeking a way to get paid for her care. Don't. That's not a long term career path. She's 59? She could live another 35 years. Think about that.

Have you investigated what long term care is available? Often, Medicaid funds small care homes which are less nh - like and more personal. How much socialization does your mom get in her/your current living situation?

And the next time she screams at you? IMMEDIATELY, stop what you're doing, from all emotion from your face, turn and walk away. Out of the room or out of the house. Wait 5 minutes. Then go back like nothing happened, very sweetly. If she screams again, repeat. In a calm moment, explain to her that her rude behavior is no longer acceptable to you. And mean it.

You deserve better than this. Your mom ought to be thanking her lucky stars that she has such a fine daughter. Shame on her!
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I didn't think anyone was blaming me. I have taken care of my mom for the most part since I was 16 and she was diagnosed with lupus, and couldn't hardly get out of bed. I got a job went to night school instead of real school. So my point is I have always put her first so shes used to always being first. No matter what was happening with me she always came first.
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AAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH I AM NOT BLAMING YOU!!!!

Michelle, it is not your fault. You did NOT create your mother's personality.

But that is no reason to encourage it, either. Listen, at the moment I suspect you're feeling so down and so helpless that you probably are really, truly stuck. It's very hard to see a way forward when you're exhausted and depressed, as well as ill. Why don't you give your local social services a call and ask them to come out to review your mother's living arrangements? I've found our ones really helpful; but even if yours can't help you much they might well know organisations local to you that can. Good luck, and keep posting.
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I know I do need to take blame for my part in creating the monster. I just don't know how I would ever get over the guilt. I guess that's what I need hell with.
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Michelle, it is not in your mother's best interests for you to enable her pattern of behaviour.

Suppose you don't die. Suppose you just get sicker, and more depressed, and less able to cope. What quality of care do you see yourself being able to provide for her? What will happen to both of your standard of living as long as you're trapped in this web of manipulation and can't get your working life back on track?

If you are serious about doing what is best for your mother, then get real. You go down, she goes down. It's that simple.

And I'm sorry for joking with you on your other post. If I'd known what you were going through I wouldn't have. Apologies.
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Your mom has the mind of a pro manipulator and she has you deep in the FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt. A therapist could help you get beyond all of this, but you have to want to.
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Unfortunately she is her worst enemy, she has the mind of adult but the behavior of a child, and she will do whatever she has to do, to get her way, and at the end of the day she is still my mom and I have to do what is in the best interest for her. I really want her to go to long term care but I know what she will do, and I would never be able to live with myself. I'm hoping with some of the programs out there I can at least get some help so maybe I can start working again.
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