I lost my dad in February. He and my mom lived at an independent living facility. Dad had a strong mind, but his body was tired with many problems. Macular degeneration had taken most of his sight, hearing was gone and walking had gotten very difficult. My mom has moderate dementia, but is physically strong. Dad was amazing taking on everyday, watching out for mom and keeping himself busy. My sister and I came everyday after work changed beds, laundry, cleaning, gave medicine etc. This had been the routine for about 5 Years.
After dad passed, my sister from Florida called and said she would come take care of mom. She lives alone. After the funeral when we talked she had come up with an amount of money she would need to do this. I was taken off guard. My number was smaller, but included three days of the nurse assistant they had because I felt she would need help. She said get rid of the help and give her that money as she is able to take care of mom alone. She had not taken care of our parents prior and had only visited a few times for a short period. Although we asked. Now she wants to help. I brought the nurse back one day a week, I have a house I am letting them live in rent fee.
She also wants my sister and I to alternate weekends and pick mom up on Saturday (with her dog) and have her spend nights with us. We also go over at least 3x a week after work so she can do whatever she wants.
Is she asking for a lot ? Her salary ($2,200 a month), free rent, utilities, food, car, car insurance and fuel are all included. I very much appreciate her with mom, want to be fair and for her to be happy, but I am beginning to feel that I can’t seem to do enough.
I have another aunt, my dad's sister, 88 years old, just developed Alzheimer's, still at the early stage. Fortunately for her, she has 5 children living in various states. One of her daughters is the main caregiver and lives with her in a house rent free that is owned by another daughter. Every few months, another one of her children comes and takes her to go live with them for a few weeks to give the main caregiver a break. My aunt loves it, and talks about visiting her children and grandchildren. She's not confused about living in different places. That actually provides her the mental stimulation she needs.
Seems to me Abell and her sisters are doing a care plan that is similar to those for my mom and aunt. It's not easy, still stressful, but it can work, at least for awhile until things change and they need a new care plan.
Florida sis has a whole lot of help with OP and local sis, but you're all balancing on the head of a pin. One falls off and everything will fall apart.
Right now it seems as if everyone gets along, but that won't be likely as resentments mount and mom gets sicker. All the comings and goings and Florida sis wanting mom and her dog gone on weekends don't bode well. Don't do it.
Mom will be so confused. When an elder is treated like this, with dementia or without, their mind must adjust over and over. That's not so easy, their brains work slower. They could be depressed as a result. Then things get worse. They want things that are at the other house. They cry because they don't recognize where they are when they wake up. Then the next day is Monday and they go back to their own home, but they don't understand why they are there because they've lost track of the days.
It's just not a good idea. Florida sis should go home, and alternate plans for mom where she can have a happy life with some recreation and new friends should be made.
It sounds to me as though Mom is being cared for (if she is well cared for) at a massive bargain. Would you do 24/7 care for an elder for 25,000 a year? Because it is not a salary that any outsider would accept even with living in, because the "living in" part is your being a prisoner to someone with dementia.
I was an RN. I was very well paid. BUT much as I loved that job it was tough to do even at 3 days a week 12 hour shifts and 5 weeks vacation, 12 holidays a week. You have a caregiver, cook, maid, sitter, and etc for Mom at what seems a bargain rate to me.
Next question is, who is paying. Mom has her SS I am certain, but that doesn't cover it.
Does she otherwise have assets going to this care?
And what about when Mom is gone? Will sister simply return to her home and take up her own life or will she be "jobless" and "homeless" and with her mental status shot from 24/7 care?
This is where we on Forum see so many end up.
I wish you all well. If this is working for ALL and can be afforded then Mom is able to stay at home with the loving care and help of her children, something rare and amazing today. My best out to you.
A person with dementia should not be moved around. If you want to do this you and your sister should stay with your mom for the weekends not her stay with you.
This keeps her in her same environment.
(By the way I hope that she or you are reporting her income and that you are including rent and utilities and car as part of the reportable income.)
And it just occurred to me that you are shouldering an unequal share of the load if you are not being compensated for the house, that probably needs to change if you don't want resentment to creep in - from that perspective it's sis #3 who seems to be contributing the least.
Simple as that. No exceptions.
The best of intentions VAPORIZE when the volunteer realizes what he or she has taken on.
Find a lovely residence near by. Use MOM’s financial resources to pay for it.
Visit often.
“Everyone” in a care arrangement will NEVER be “happy”. Look for safe, compassionate care for your mother that does NOT depend on any of her children.
I wish with all my heart that I hadn’t learned this the hard way. Don’t do what I did. Best of luck as you move forward.
NOTHING GOOD WILL COME FROM THIS ARRANGEMENT.
I’m not even touching the subject of money and free living arrangements . That’s a recipe for disaster as different family members will think it’s either too much or too little compensation .
Florida sis can’t expect or dictate what slack OP or other local sis pick up . I’m assuming this is proving to be more work and more isolating than she anticipated . Resentment will creep up big time .
It’s also not good for mom to shuffle back and forth . Mom needs routine . Assess where the mother needs to be , AL or memory care or SNF and place her with her funds or Medicaid .
Make it about the mother’s needs and that it’s too much for the daughters.
Question 2 - rough reckoning, there are 168 hours in a week. Minus say 30 each weekend, minus say 10-12 for the after work visits; but not minus the nurse's days because sister remains the person in charge (what happens if the nurse has to cancel, or there's a decision to be made which is outside her remit, for example). That leaves sister as the responsible caregiver for 126-128 hours a week. Week in, week out. Has anyone given any thought to respite breaks? Is the $2,200 + benefits still looking over-generous?
But actually what strikes me is that you're only two months in and reality is dawning on your sister. I suggest a rethink, where the whole family should focus on face-saving ways for sister to back down and/or a more sustainable long-term schedule.
Your mother should now be in an environment that's appropriate to her needs; I can't tell if that is memory care, assisted living, or even nursing-home care, which could be covered by Medicaid IF your mother is eligible. In any of these situations, in addition to getting an appropriate level of care, even with dementia your mother will have interaction with others that she's missing if one of you is there most of the time--and it's also going to become increasingly unsafe for her to remain in independent living. Much better to spend the money for your mother to live with the right level of care.
Your sister who wants to make the complicated arrangements and get paid does not have a good idea of what she's getting herself and your mother into! As has been suggested, she probably will fairly quickly decide to quit; she does not have any experience with dementia. And the overall arrangements being suggested are way too complicated and would be very confusing for your mother! You can still visit her daily when she is in a higher level of care, but less time will be spent caregiving and more simply being her daughter. Wherever she is, there will always be demands on you, but more realistic and less overwhelming ones than with those arrangements suggested or those you had for your parents in the past!
Leave the possibly money-grabbing sister out of the care arrangements. Even if she is totally sincere, this isn't going to work. She, and possibly you, may also not know that whoever is paying her is legally required to withhold taxes, unemployment, and workers' comp, cutting her take-home pay and/or costing whoever is paying her more than the wages stated here.
Question for y’all, was mom paying for the il?
$2,200 a month doesn't sound like much for 24/7 care, but Abell and the local sister have a 5 year head start in providing care, which they will continue to do. For all I know each of the in town sisters have "banked" 2,000 - 5,000 hours of pre-provided care over the five years, and will continue to provide 100?? hours a month; so it could be fair enough for Florida sister to provide the first 100++ hours each month free as well. We also don't know much about the finances other than that Abell herself is providing a house that she could presumably rent to a stranger for something ($800-1,600 maybe??).
If I understand correctly, the now live-in sister wants Mom to stay with one of the other two every weekend so she can have the house to herself during her off time. She may have any number of other assumptions that a normal live in caregiver would not. (Can she have her own small business, property, pets, guests, smoke, special food, adult beverages, ....)
I would not expect someone with dementia to adapt well to living in three locations over every two weeks, (the new house, Abell's house, and the other local sister's house). Each location would also require a duplicate setup of any adaptive equipment and elder-proofing.
I would expect live-in sister to burn out and feel taken advantage of. Likewise Abell, who according to the profile works full time and will be covering every other weekend and a few more shifts here and there, while trying to interact with her own kids and grandkids. There is a risk of forming a family rift when one or more reaches their breaking point.
I'd suggest seriously looking into memory care instead. Mom can sleep in the same bed every night. Do it as gracefully as possible, before the sisters stop speaking to one another.
This.
Mom's care needs should be center to the careplan built around her.
I get a tiny whiff that an income is the motivation for the new arrangement..? I may be wrong.
I would look into assisted living for care.
Mom is in independant living, right? Not really independant, but it worked with Dad there.
Without him Mom now needs supervision & assistance. So it seems to me her options are to move into an Assisted Living or Memory Care room or have a live-in caregiver.
Your Sister has volunteered to do this as a paid position.
Could be worth a try? IF this works for everyone: Mom, Sisters & yourself.
Call it plan A.
Assess in 3 months?
Discuss what Plan B will look.
Keep up the assessments & be ready to make changes when needed.
Just checking.. is there a legal POA for financial & health already nominated?
The red flag for me is Florida Sis. Will she be keeping her place to go back to? Or if/when Plan B happens, she will need an alternative home. She should ideally plan for this. The danger is she could try to prolong her live-in job past it's sensible end date to secure her own housing.
Florida sis is now caregiver,
--getting $2,200/month,
--free room and board,
--perks: free car, free gas,
--working 5 days a weeks, including nights (on call)
--with 3 afternoons/evenings off a week
--with help from a nurse one day/week
You and local sister take turns to take mom on weekends. So far correct?
The free room and board don't count because she's a live-in caregiver. She has to be there to work. If you work in an office, you don't pay rent to be in the office to work, right? Same thing applies here. Food doesn't cost that much for one person. Sis and mom eat together right? Can't expect her to buy own food and eat separately.
How many hours do you think your Florida sister spends at home with mom each week? (Remember she's there all day and all night, that's 24 hour day.) Take that figure x 52 weeks then divide by 12 months to get the number of hours per month. My estimate is that each week your Florida sister stay in the house 5 full days less the 3 evenings off, so that's about 100 hours per week, or 433 hours per month.
She's getting $2,200/m so that comes out to $5.08/hour, plus the perks. I'd say you're getting a very good deal here. If mom can, pay her more.
I would recommend you keep Florida sis happy. I would also recommend you keep the nurse just in case when sis gets sick or have to do something, you can ask the nurse to step in.
Good luck.
If mom can afford it, of course sis should have more hired help. You’ve been way involved and are tired too. No reason for you to pick up the slack.
You should NOT pick up mom and have her spend ANY nights with you. That’s likely a manipulation tactic that could end with mom living in your home. By no means should that happen! Mom and sis have their own place. Make sure they stay there.
My first impression of out-of-state sister’s plan is that it still leaves a lot of work for you and helpful sis to continue to do when you and she might be kind of burned out at this point, truth be told. I would be.
ETA: I see from your profile you work full-time and have kids/grandkids in your life. I don’t see how you can do alternating weekends and 1 or 2 weeknights a week on top of work and family commitments without driving yourself into an early grave.
Also, my deepest condolences on the loss of your beloved father.
$2,200 a week? For checking in on mom? Living with mom?
Sorry it is late I just do not understand the situation.