Hello everyone, I’m new here and grateful this community exists. My dad is a long-term brain tumor survivor — the tumor surfaced about 25 years ago. Since then, he’s had many hospital visits and, over time, a gradual decline in his cognitive health. Lately, I would describe him as being in the mild stages of dementia. Conversations can be difficult, and sometimes it takes a lot of effort to understand what he’s trying to say.One thing that still comes through very strongly is how connected he is to his work identity. He spent most of his career as a senior project manager in the oil and gas industry, and by many measures he had a very successful professional life. Even now, that part of who he was — his knowledge, experience, and sense of contribution — seems deeply important to him.After a conversation with him recently, it made me realize how much his sense of self-worth is tied to that identity. He hasn’t worked in over 15 years, and I think that loss of purpose has been especially hard on him.I have a background in software engineering, and I’ve been wondering whether there might be a gentle, supportive way to help him reconnect with that part of himself — not to replace human connection, but to help him feel valued and heard. For example, something that allows him to engage in familiar, work-related conversations using names, projects, and contexts from his past.I’m not trying to sell anything, and profit isn’t my motivation. My goal is simply to support my dad’s dignity and sense of value. If it ever helped others in similar situations, that would be a bonus.I would really appreciate insight from:
caregivers who’ve seen what helps (or harms) in situations like thisprofessionals who work with people in early dementiaanyone who’s navigated the balance between comfort, clarity, and confusionWhat should I be especially careful about? What has brought comfort or meaning for the people you care for?Thank you for taking the time to read this. I’m here to listen and learn.— Juan
Make sure your dad can hear. Have him tested NOW. If he needs them, make sure he has the best hearing aids money can buy. This will require tests with an audiologist, and you can find those in private practice or go to Costco, which is where my husband bought his. Hearing aids today are lightweight, fit behind the ear and are not visible, and they have a hairlike plastic tube that extends to a little flexible dome that fits deep into the ear canal. It's easy to forget they're in there!
Old people don't want you to know they can't hear, and they can be good at hiding their hearing loss. Yet being able to hear is one of the best ways to prevent dementia or the advance of dementia once a person has it. The brain needs sensory input to work correctly. There's much research about this and I suggest you look it up.
If my husband, who has dementia, doesn't wear his hearing aids, it's like he's removed from the world. When he puts them on, it's the difference between night and day. He reacts to things better, he smiles more, his eyes are brighter because he's interested in more things. I feel that his cognitive decline has been slowed because he wears them.
In my acquaintance with other spouses of memory care patients, I've learned that when it got to be too much trouble for them to maintain or they lost the hearing aids or they just don't care that much about their spouses anymore, they give up on making sure their spouse can hear. They think it's not important, but IT IS! Some of these same folks think it will help Gramp or Grammy to show them old family pix of their loved ones in hopes it will spark interest in something they once enjoyed. But Grammy can't hear when they point out Uncle Rufus or Cousin Myrtie, and her interest wanders until she falls asleep during the visit.
It remains to be seen whether your dad will remain interested in the work he used to love, but I know for sure that if his hearing isn't good, that battle is lost. The good news is that it is more likely for him to retain interest and cognition in everything if he can hear. I've seen that to be true not only with my husband but with family members and others.
I wish you luck on this journey with your dad.
Find things dad enjoys doing now, with the abilities he currently has. Tossing a ball back and forth requires no communication skills but can keep him amused and engaged for a time. As his cognition skills decrease, these are the types of activities that will replace talking about his former career. It's just the way it goes, unfortunately.
Best of luck to you and to dad.
BUT
You cannot/will not be able to keep it as intact as you wish it to be, and as he wishes it to be. I sympathize, believe me. I spent my life as a Nurse, and it is/was a huge part of who I am. But I am not now qualified to be what I once way. I retired two decades ago. Things have passed me by to be certain. That doesn't mean I am NOT proud of who I was. It is simply to acknowledge that that time is now over for me. Aging is about loss. It is not about happiness. And you cannot assume responsibility for another's happiness.
I will ask you where you father now lives? Is he alone? does he live with you? Does he still walk out into nature, take an interest in things OTHER than what he once knew? And most of all, does he have the opportunity to be with others, no matter whether it is to discuss their memories of their lives as they lived them, or to enjoy a bingo game?
I often think on, as much as my monk-like brother did not want to join the community in his ALF, he DID come to enjoy it, enjoyed cutting roses for the tables daily, walking the grounds, visiting with others, attending an exercise class, a tour, or the movies he had long ago stopped going to.
I would work on getting him involved not necessarily in what he DID, but in life as it is NOW.
I sure do wish you the best of luck and admire your caring heart.
Same with any work related photos. Frame and display proudly.
And, if he has any old "work friends" that are still around - give one a call, and see if they'll call Dad one day (knowing his communication difficulties) and tell him an old favorite work story. The "remember the time this or that happened?" fun stories we all have from work.
You can also Wikipedia his previous employer - print out something about them that would make your Dad proud, and frame that, too. And refer to it often, and ask Dad to tell you a story, about a project mentioned - even if he can't talk much. It would make him happy.