My mom is 78 years old. She moved in with me 16 years ago after my dad passed away. She doesn’t drive, so it made sense at the time. She retired from work and my kids were young, so she helped me take care of my kids and we were best friends.
Fast forward, my kids are now 23 and 18 and my mom's fairly healthy, but she has some health problems. She’s had a couple knee replacements and aneurysm coils placed. She has immune deficiency from chemo that she had many years ago, and she has a heart issue and high blood pressure.
She is very codependent due to her not driving. I have always encouraged her to travel and spend time with friends as the kids got older and didn’t need us as much.
She seems lost. She doesn’t have any hobbies and now our relationship is very strained. She is always depressed and she is always telling me that I’m never home and that I never take her anywhere. In reality, I have taken her on three vacations this year.
We spend every holiday together. I get up and have coffee with her in the morning. We go to family events together and we occasionally go to the grocery store together and other errands. She continues to tell me how this is not enough for her.
I work full-time and I’m divorced, so I have dated and I have friends and I go out with here and there. I’ve always taken care of her when she’s needed it through her knee replacements and when she fell and broke her elbow last year.
Being with her always makes me feel like I'm not enough. She is always telling me how I don’t do things with her. She misses that we’re not best friends and she’s always telling me over and over and over again how I don’t do things with her anymore like go to the zoo and go places. I try to explain to her that my kids are older now and they don’t need all that. I feel selfish when I want to have a social life.
I can foresee that my kids are going to be off living their own lives including college and adult lives and since I’m divorced, I rely on my social life as part of my healthy living. I work out and work full-time and I'm gone all during the day, so I can see where she said that I’m gone a lot, but I do everything.
Anyhow, I feel like she is getting more and more forgetful. She drinks wine every night (probably because of depression) and lately there’s been a couple things that have happened that she doesn’t know how they happened. So, I’m not sure she has drank so much that she’s blacked out and not realized what’s happened, or if she has beginning stages of dementia and now is forgetting lots of things.
The argument that we have over me not being home all the time it is over and over and over again. We were literally on vacation on a cruise with several other family members and she brought it up again after I mentioned maybe going on a girls trip next year after my daughter goes to college. She got so upset that I was not doing enough with her. So we were on a vacation having the same argument, we go out to dinner, she doesn’t talk much, and the only thing she does talk to me about is how I don’t do anything with her.
I recently lost my job of 14 years, so now I have the stress and the pressure of trying to find something that will pay my bills and keep a roof over mine and my mom’s head, as well as send my daughter to college. And my mom continues to have this argument with me, not realizing that I already have a lot of stress in my life.
I was in a five-year relationship that ended due to compatibility. He didn’t have any kids, pets, household responsibilities, and his parents were alive and taking care of each other. My life is full of things that I have to take care of, and it just didn’t work out. I am scared to death to try and date again because I don’t think anybody wants to take on somebody that has all this going on. So I focus on keeping my own mental health by working out, socializing with my friends, and spending time with my family and kids, and doing the balancing. I want to take her to doctor to discuss, but she is furious and refuses.
In a senior community, she'll have plenty of activities and people to spend time with. Since you said she does have friends that she spends time with and does activities with, she can meet additional friends, and invite her current friends to visit her without you needing to drive her to see them. She would probably enjoy being the hostess on her own after all these years of living in what is your house, not hers.
It sounds like she does have depression along with mild cognitive loss. I wonder if you were to call her doctor and express these concerns, if they might be able to get her to come in by calling with a reminder that she is due for a visit, or something like that.
Do not let her isolate you! Do your thing! This will call for some serious strategizing. If she is ever approachable, maybe spin it that she is obviously unhappy with the current arrangement and explore options together. You may need to determine if your mother prefers to improve her situation or hold on to the belief that you are responsible for her happiness. That will help you plan your next step.
Again, I am so sorry for what you went through, that could not have been easy.
As others have mentioned here, she would likely thrive living on her own in a senior living facility, or assisted living, which will adapt to her needs as they evolve. She can find people to socialize with, who, like her, aren't going to work every day.
If your living arrangement is comfortable for both of you, and she will continue living with you, you need to set ground rules! You need clear, and defined privacy boundaries! I suggest you have a very serious discussion, not heated, not argumentative, but with give and take and real listening from you both, let her know you are spending as much time as you are willing with her, and if she needs more attention, social interaction, she needs to find it elsewhere. Offer to help her find suitable social activities and engage with friends, if she has them.
it’s natural that as stress and challenges enter your life you will feel at burnout and be tired and over stressed
time for her to go into assisted living
your environment is now getting toxic
speak to her doctor/care people about how it can be arranged then after you get the info it’s time for hard chat
you are not around to provide char with care she needs and it’s time fir her to go into a nice place where she will have company all the time and also staff around incase she needs anything
it’s not negotiable - that’s what you organise
time now to concentrate on yourself a bit
assure her you will visit often but she will. Ave added be bit of having company around her
end of day the time you so end together will then be quality time as you won’t be as stressed
be prepared for objections
but remember you are doing what’s best not only fir yourself but fur her as well
best wishes and I hope you get time to concentrate on yourself now
You need to make some new rules. The first is no alcohol in the house, or at least nothing strong. Low alcohol ginger beer is about 3 percent alcohol, wine is about 12 percent. The second is using Uber. The third is she goes on a group holiday tour on her own, your holiday is also on your own. The next is that you go with her to look at local senior living places.
What else can you think of?
The mum gave her best years helping to raise her grandchildren, and she didn't build up her own life for when they grew up and left. The daughter needs to have her life now that the children have left and cannot be tied to her mum.
This enmeshment was good for both of them while the children were small, but it's not good for either one now. It isn't fulfilling their needs and it's time for a new way of living.
Change is always hard.
My sense is that the bottom line is that:
* Your mom will continue to 'blame' you as she has no one else to point the finger at. You are her target.
- It is up to you to mindfully 'shift' how you respond, internally and externally, when she 'does this' - which will likely increase as she ages.
How do you shift?
1. Be aware of how you feel in the moment when she 'attacks' / blames you.
2. Realize she is frustrated and depressed - she doesn't mean it (show compassion - by not responding.
3. Do not argue with her or try to say "but I do xxx ..." "I took you on three vacations and did xxx" - this will not help you or her (although the justifying certainly is warranted and perhaps hard to not fall back on). It won't help the current situation; it will further ignite it (due to how she feels about herself).
4. Be aware, before these conversations occur, how you want to respond, i.e.,
you could:
a. step away for a moment to gain your composure
b. say: I hear you mom (then stop talking)
c. Re-Direct the conversation (ignore insults or jabs / blaming you)
da. Realize you cannot continue to do this work alone - and it is a 24/7 job
db. Get others in there: pay caregivers or get volunteers in to be with her.
... she won't like it or want others. She wants YOU. However, you need to do what is in YOUR BEST INTEREST (and hers) and at this point, it is you getting some down time / a respite, and getting others in to entertain / re-focus her somehow (be it going through a family album, photos in a magazine, talking about movies, books, gardening...
There comes a point when you need to take control and that time is now.
* She can resist all she wants. She still goes to the MD. You tell her you're taking her out for lunch or something she'll want to do and then go to that appt.
- Expect she will be mad / frustrated. She is SCARED.
* Realize that you need to set (new) boundaries which will be challenging / hard for both of you since it seems like you haven't done this yet ... and she only wants what is familiar / comfortable to her YOU.
- You do not take her 'feedback' personally and you expect it to happen. She won't be a happy camper. With volunteer(s) or paid caregiver, she may learn to like them ... after getting used to them being around - and you not.
The last and perhaps most important question for you now:
it is time to move her to a facility?
Ind living or assisted living?
I should say "It is time..."
You deserve and need a life of your own - you've done so much for your mom. You need time to enjoy your own life.
Things will only change when you do. Set boundaries. Prepare for push-back. Realize that as time moves on, the situation will be more difficult due to her aging, losing memory, falling/physical changes.
You have friends / a social life. Good for you.
"Use" your friends for the support you need. Tell them what support you need (vs their advice as to what to do).
If I were you, I'd take a sheet of paper and have two columns (or three)
1st Column: the need, i.e., how to handle these situations with mom? (Be specific) 2nd Column: how you might handle it... 3rd Column: her likely response... then another page ... how you will handle her response.
The idea here is to think what you want to do ... and be prepared on how to handle - as best you can. You need a plan of action.
Do give yourself timeouts. None of this is easy.
When she blames you, know she loves you and is miserable and scared.
This is the part of her that is acting out / talking to you.
Here's a hug,
Gena / Touch Matters
If she's solidly resistant and just keeps whining, then this may be depression, cognitive loss, alcohol dependence, or some combination thereof. Have her see her doctor. Are you present when she's drinking, so you know that it's not excessive, or is she doing it on her own so you might not be aware that it's actually too much?
If she can't handle any of that, then it's time to start looking at senior apartments or AL/MC facilities because she needs more help that you are able to provide while working full-time.
So what to do? Your mom needs help putting together her own social life. Does your town have a senior center? Sometimes they provide transportation. Does she really have NO interests? Would she like to volunteer at a school, library, hospital? Could she take an exercise or yoga class somewhere? There are also a ton of groups that meet on zoom. An older woman I know just joined a jigsaw puzzle club.
Your town/county might have an agency that specializes in senior matters and they could provide additional suggestions. Because 78 is not that old and there is still time to turn things around.
But also your mom sounds like she is a little depressed. I know people have different opinions, but a low dose anti depressant helped my mom a lot. A very tiny dose but it was enough to help her find that extra bit of energy to be willing to try new things.
Your mom sounds as though she is really stuck. Good for you for continuing to maintain healthy boundaries and expectations. And although you can try to help her, at the end of the day we are all responsible for our own happiness. Best wishes for you.
You are right, I didn't rightfully express in my original post my gratitude for the childcare. It was a mutual agreement as she worked 6 days a week at the time my father passed. I helped her organized the finances, get her townhouse ready to sell (barely any equity) and got her moved in with me as she lived 35 miles away and it was too much going back and forth with little ones and a job. She was thrilled to retired and not be a work horse any longer. She also had a pretty good social life, she made friends with a lot of neighbors, joined garden clubs, went to many area luncheons with other senior friends, she traveled with friends and spent many summers at my brothers (in another state) watching his small boys (same age as my kids) Her preference was to spend time with grandkids. She did this while being best friends with me and doing things with me. Now that I lost my job and I see more of her daily routine and suspect depression as well as read through all these great responses, I am trying to figure out how to get her more involved in area things so she can find some happiness. Other helpful information in response to your response, she is on anti depressants already which is what I want to discuss with the doctor as well as her drinking too much alcohol. Yes, I get her the wine but when I don't she sees "red" and gets the neighbor or my kids to get it for her. They look at me like the bad guy if I don't get it for her.
She won't use uber or her smart phone for anything but Facebook and she really doesn't even know how to use Facebook. I use to push her to use technology like shopping online, uber, instacart and thought she was just refusing and wouldn't do it. Now, I believe differently, I think she can't really figure out how to do it based on her deterioration.
Life has progressed for both us with the kids growing up, her aging progression and my divorce and own discovery journey. I believe I spend a lot of time with her and try to make her feel loved but the expectation is unreasonable for where we all are. I view this now after all these responses and my own research as not just boundaries that I am setting but also how I can help her. THANK YOU so much for your response and perspective. Wish me luck in this journey.
She has made you her surrogate spouse and you need to find a way to separate from her clinginess, it is far to established for her to do it on her own.
Maybe reminding her that coming home to anyone biotching at you for not being enough only drives a wedge and makes you want to spend even less time with that person.
She obviously had expectations of what life would look like after the children fledged, she was wrong and now she needs to change those expectations, because you are not her spouse and you have a full life that does include her but, the harping could very easily change that.
Be honest, set and keep boundaries, you don't have to kick her to the curb but, I would kick the listening to nothing but complaining to the curb today. I told my mom, whom nothing was ever good enough, if you don't like how often I am available I will step aside completely and you can find someone good enough for you. Stopped the griping at me, because she knew I would do what I said I would.
Best of luck, you can find a solution to make this work for both of you.
Teach her how to use Uber.
1. Mom lives with you and has for 16 years. Ever since Dad died. You moved her in and allowed her to make your home her home, and to be completely dependent on you.
Did you ALSO get a caregiver contract done? Shared living cost contract? Privacy needs and etc. worked out at any point? That would have been crucial from the get go.
2. Mom is 78, and while once, at the beginning she was well enough to help with the kids, she now is not well. She is A) S/P aneursym. B) s/p cancer C) Immuno-insufficieny disordered D) s/p bilateral knee OR. Add to these "heart issues", "depression" , "fall prone".
She is needy, dependent, bored.
You have gone from daughter to friend to caregiver.
And now there is self-medicating.
Over one and one half decades this is the trajectory.
And this is what you must consider now as you consider what you want for your own life. Because in all this time, in the progression, Mom is only 78. She may have 20 years of life left. Do you think, given the road map in front of you, that you will survive that?
This current enmeshment has gone on for so long, and your mom expects that it will go on the rest of her life. That is her expectation. Meanwhile you are in bed dreaming of dating and having a life when you retire. You paths are diverging and no one is speaking about it.
Time for you and mom to go for family therapy. You are not happy. Neither is she. She would likely THRIVE in ALF and should certainly have savings for it. She would have things provided she needs and she would have plenty of socialization. More certainly than my brother even cared to handle; he spent 75% of his time hiding away in his room with his car books to get a bit of peace.
Time to look at where you are now.
The past is the past and it has landed you here.
Time to see a good Social Worker in private practice counseling on life transitions or a good experienced therapist who deals with aging issues. None of the online nonsense.
YOU BOTH NEED honest discussion TOGETHER with a mediator.
I sure wish you the best of luck. This is a WHOLE LOT to sort through and iron out.